Asking my neighbour and his visiting lady friend not to shag so loudly at 1am and 5am - aibu to ask you to help me word it?

[lilyheather1]

I'll start this by mentioning that I have zero issue with having this conversation with my neighbour, I don't embarrass easily, but I don't know how to bring it up and get across my frustrations without creating neighbourly tension between us.

So a bit of a back story, a few weeks ago I posted on here about my male neighbour who is occasionally visited by a lady friend, say two nights week. On those nights, they shag SO LOUDLY! If it was just creaking, it would be more livable but we can hear EVERYTHING, moans, dirty talk and the rest, and I'm beginning to feel like an involuntary participant in their late night sessions. The kind people of MN suggested we shout through the wall so they knew just how thin they were, we tried this by shouting "It's so loud!!" but it made zero difference and they then woke us again at 5am.

My DH works in an industry where he works 9 - 5.30 Mon-Fri and often works 14 hour shifts on the weekends too. as such, he NEEDS to sleep far more than I do and I am incredibly pissed off on his behalf.

Don't get me wrong, I think sex is great too, but I think it's so disrespectful to not even try to alter your volume if you're going to go at it in the early hours when you know most people will be asleep.

I'm going to knock on his door tonight and have a word, but I don't know how to say "please stop shagging so loudly" without getting visibly pissed off. I'd like us to have a civil neighbourly relationship and want to make the chat as non-accusatory as I can, whilst still getting across how loud (and frankly fairly grim) it is. How would you word it?

I'll leave mentioning how often his dog barks for another day....

Shout "YEAH BOY! STICK IT IN HER ASSHOLE!!" at the top of you voice, while they are in full swing.

You need to broadcast a loud play list from your house.
Lionel Ritchie - All Night Long
Feel free to add people!!

Try hinting from the other angle. Say something like was the noise awful when I dropped an oven tray last night? Try to make it about noises carrying between the houses and not just about noisy sex

Don't know how you're going to do this. It could be embarrassing... How about putting in some soundproofing?

I won't be embarrassed, I couldn't care less whether I embarrass him. His house is rented and so if the noise continues I will be sure to speak to his lettings agency about them putting in sound proofing, at which point they will also be aware that he is in breach of the excessive noise clause in his contract.

I think I’d make a bit of a joke about it. Something along the lines of, ‘hi neighbour, I’m ever so glad you’re off enjoying yourself with your lady friend, but so you think you could take to shagging in the kitchen so me and dh can get some sleep’ all done over the garden fence with a laugh

If you can hear him shagging, he certainly would have heard you shouting about it being overly loud last time. He knows you can hear and doesn’t give a fuck. I’d go straight to the letting agent.

"Hey neighbor, so pleased to hear you and your lady friend are getting on so well; but do you think I could perhaps hear a little less of it between the hours of midnight and 6am? Grateful though I am that you would be comfortable enough to share that with me, I'm not sure I wouldn't rather be sleeping. But you two carry on without me ...Quietly. Ta muchly!"

If you are not embarrassed I'd just go with 'sorry but the excessive noise late at night and early morning is disrupting our sleep and causing us issues - if you don't make an effort to reduce it I'll have no choice but to take it further'

I remember as teenage hearing a neighbour and cracking up laughing. I didn't hear them again. Mock them!!

Tell him you are being disturbed on a regular basis throughout the week by noise coming from his house at night. You would like to remain on good terms with all your neighbours. However, if they continue to disturb you, you will contact their letting agent agent and make a complaint.

If he is reasonable and genuine, he will apologise and be more considerate. If not, follow through with your threat.

Download some loud "applause" sounds, and play them when the shagging session ends. Maybe he'll get the message.

Are you sure there is a lady friend involved and he's not just watching porn? I really couldn't be arsed shagging at 1 then again at 5 in the morning - how do they function all day??? Back to point of thread - Yeah start off lighthearted....BUT he knows you can hear and that might be the point...a bit of sexual exhibitionism. So if it continues I would e-mail his letting agency explaining that it is not only keeping you awake but hugely inappropriate, you have tried to speak to him about it and as far as you are concerned he is now doing it deliberately and you will contacting the council, police etc. They will have to officially tell him to stop it and then he doesn't have the excuse that you didn't tell him.

Record it and have the recording on standby if he suggests you're exaggerating.

Laughing loudly through the wall will definitely put them off.

I agree with @iknowimcoming - don’t pussyfoot around and drop hints like other people have suggested, that’ll do bugger all.

I’d leave off the ‘I’ll have to take it further for now’ as that might just serve to breed illwill before he’s been able to address the issue.

Play ‘Fuck her gently’ by Tenacious D every time they start. Or ‘It’s a small world after all’ on repeat until they go insane.

As you’re not easily embarrassed , tell him simply
Hi Neighbour , your loud sex noises are waking us up , and frankly , I don’t want to have to listen to the racket
Please keep it quiet , or I’ll have no choice but to contact the landlord and ask him get some soundproofing put in

Go and ring his doorbell when you can hear him. Either be an adult and wait for him to answer the door and speak to him about it. Or run away and just keep going and ringing the bell every time, he'll soon get the hint.

Thank you all for your suggestions, I think you're right, short and to the point seems to be the most popular course of action. I'm horrendous for waffling when I speak and so I'll be sure to cut that out when I have the conversation tonight. :)

Iknowiamcoming is a very appropriate user name for the thread!!

I wouod treat it like you wouod treat any issues with noise from a neigbourgs. Let’s say like someone playing the piano.
You need to TALK to him rather than using PA techniques.

Go and see him and tell him you struggle with the noise coming from his side during the night. That it woke you up early in the am and stopped you from falling asleep in the evening. Which is an issue for your DH.
Ask him to keep the noise down so you can get the rest you need.
If he asks when/what, give him the times and days.

What I wouldn’t do is make it about him having sex because it’s too easy to say ‘but you can’t stop me having sex!’
It has to be about the noise level iyswim

It’s not because it’s sex that he can do as much noise as he wants.

Either just go round and tell him to keep late night noise down, or you will escalate, or bang on adjoining wall loudly when it’s happening.

To all those suggesting "report to landlord/letting agent" what would you do if the house was privately owned out of interest? Presumably report to noise team at council? So why a different approach for a renter?

Bang on the wall really loudly with a hard object (no pun intended, good old wooden broom handle) and yell shut up while they are doing it. If they don't stop you do need to speak to him. If you get on you can be jokey, but if you don't know him or don't get on, be pleasant but quite formal. I might mention the dog as well.
If you own your property be wary of writing. When you come to sell you have to declare neighbour disputes. You can phone landlord/agent in first instance.