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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my DD's boyfriend

64 replies

Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 08:39

My beautiful, intelligent, feisty 23 yearly DD has been in a relationship with a bloke (I believe he's 27) on and off for about three years. I've never met him.
He hits her, she takes drugs when she's with him (which he supplies and she pays for in ways I don't want to think about), he threatens her, breaks her stuff. Generally a nasty piece of work.
She doesn't live with me, she chose to go and live with her dad when she was 15. Unfortunately, she never got on with my current exH, who was abusive to me. Her dad was also abusive.
It's a mess, but since I split with current exH, and she split with this bloke, I thought our relationship was slowly emerging from the mess and we were getting on well. I was spending more time with her. I've always told her how much I love her, and I'm here for her. But she's got back with him. She says I'm not there for her "at least he makes an effort to see me" . All through August I've been trying to contact her to meet for lunch, a coffee, whatever but she started seeing him again early summer. So she's blanking me again. But I'm at fault for not making an effort.
I know it's him. It's classic control and EA. I was gutted when I found out she was seeing him again. I don't know if her dad k ows, he's been paying for counselling for her to unravel the mess this man has created and now he's back.
She's so lovely and caring and funny but she's a shell when he's around.
I want him to just fuck off out of her life and leave her alone. "BUT I LOVE HIM" she wails. Aaaaaargh!
Sorry. Massive rant.

OP posts:
serbska · 03/09/2018 08:41

It’s a mess. Yes, yes it is.

All she knows is abusive men. Very sad.

Branleuse · 03/09/2018 08:42

Sounds really difficult. How long were you in that abusive relationship for? How much of the abuse dynamics did she see?

I do hope you can salvage your relationship

MissusGeneHunt · 03/09/2018 08:43

It may be worth you calling Women's Aid, for some support for YOU, on how to support her...? I'm so sorry for you and her. Please get some help, it's an incredibly toxic scenario. Flowers

Winosaurus · 03/09/2018 08:46

I’ll be blunt, it sounds like she’s learned this from you and her dad. It doesn’t like you have been there for her in the past as you chose your abusive ExH over her.
The only way you can begin to help her is to prove you’re there for her. Words are worthless unless you follow them up with actions. Actually visit her, call her regularly, offer her financial help in case she’s sticking around because he’s financially controlling her.
Show her by example what it is like to live happily without an abusive partner. Do the freedom programme and find out why you have picked these men in the past and allowed them to affect your daughter’s life and view of men.
Fix yourself first and then you can try to help fix your daughter.

Aw12345 · 03/09/2018 08:47

Sorry to hear of the situation :-( I agree to call Women's Aid and get advice for how to be as supportive as possible Flowers xx

PJBanana · 03/09/2018 08:48

How sad.

I really hope that you and your DD can get your relationship on the right track again soon. Agree with Missus’ suggestion of speaking to Women’s Aid.

As someone who was in a relationship with a violent, abusive drug dealer from age 17-19, she needs to see how toxic the situation is for herself. My parents, grandparents and friends all told me how awful he was the whole time I was with him. Nothing anybody said could help, and it just pushed me further towards him. Sadly, she needs to want to leave him. Hopefully she will see sense soon.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/09/2018 08:53

"I’ll be blunt, it sounds like she’s learned this from you and her dad. It doesn’t like you have been there for her in the past as you chose your abusive ExH over her."

Sadly, it seems that this ^^ is her normal.

I hope that anyone who is in an abusive realtionship and has children reads this and learns from it. The impact of a mother staying with her abusive partner has far reaching effects on the children.

Mrsmadevans · 03/09/2018 09:03

OP l am so sad for you and your DD but l have learned lately that at 23 your/my DDS are adults and as such are in charge of their lives and will decide for themselves the way they want their life to pan out. Be there for her when she wants you Flowers

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 09:05

winosaurus this is exactly what I was thinking. I'm trying very hard not to beat myself up too much about it, I've come out of some hard core counselling myself too which has helped me find 'me' but yes, I do blame myself for making some shit decisions. I hadn't thought of contacting women's aid, or thought if the freedom project. I want to do right by her as best I can now. She's such a lovely person and it's killing me seeing her making similar mistakes.

OP posts:
speakout · 03/09/2018 09:11

You made bad choices and she is paying the price.

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 09:15

I do try calling her but she doesn't answer, I use the method of communication she's currently preferring ; WhatsApp, messenger, whatever. I have taken her food shopping when she's skint. I can't give her much cash as I'm skint myself! I am trying to be there physically. But I arrange to meet her and she cancels at the last minute or she just doesn't turn up (it's complicated by the fact I live in the next town, work and have two smaller DC's) I try and arrange a date but she doesn't answer. I have occasionally sent money electronically but it just gets eaten up by her overdraft. Her dad has bailed her out several times (he earns considerably more than me).
I'm going to contact WA now

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 09:16

I do make bad choices. I'm far from perfect. But I'm trying now.

OP posts:
CrystalBlaze · 03/09/2018 09:20

I don't feel like the OP needs a kicking here.

I think previous advice about contacting WA is good. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you and hopefully she will see life doesn't have to be like this.

speakout · 03/09/2018 09:20

No one is perfect.

We don't need to be perfect to be a good parent.

But we do need to prioritise our children over our boyfriends, which you failed to do.

speakout · 03/09/2018 09:22

I'm sorry but the OP has failed her daughter badly, and now she is bleating on here

But I'm at fault for not making an effort.

Accepting that she is at fault here is the first step.

Dljlr · 03/09/2018 09:27

Some lovely victim blaming going on here 👏

Best thing you can do op is to continue to reassure your daughter that you're here for her, and that you'll support her without any judgement or conditions. Your own experiences of abusive relationships probably equips you better than most to know the right things to do and say. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 09:29

Thanks for your support bleat out. I was initially having a rant about the boyfriend, and yes, I'm accepting of my poor decision making in the past. I'm so much stronger now I'm out of the abusive relationship where I was gaslighted, manipulated, controlled etc. I thought he was my saviour from my previous abusive ex. How wrong I was. So yes, I fucked up and I'm now trying my best to fix the fuck ups.

OP posts:
speakout · 03/09/2018 09:29

The victim is the daughter.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/09/2018 09:30

"Some lovely victim blaming going on here"

It is what it is Dljlr
There is no denying that this is what her daughter views as normal. I'm not perfect either, and no doubt my DD will hate some aspects of the way I have brough her up.

ParkheadParadise · 03/09/2018 09:36

I've been there Dhalandchips
It was an nightmare. All you can do is be there for her.

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 09:38

Ok, I know I have fucked up. Fwiw, my dad beat my mum up, so I'm fucked up too. I'm going to contact WA and look for a freedom programme. I can't stop my DD from seeing this guy, but I'll just carry on trying to be there for her. Thanks for the positive comments folks.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 09:39

My daughter grew up in a loving non abusive relationship. She ended up with a man who emotionally and physically abused her.

Leave the OP alone.

OP- can I suggest you have a look at The Freedom Project website? I found it very helpful.

Quangot · 03/09/2018 09:39

The OP can't undo the past so there's no point making finger-wagging posts. She wants to know what would be most productive in the future.

OP, your DD is an adult and will make her own decisions. She will hopefully realise sooner rather than later what a nasty boyfriend she has. This won't happen until her self-esteem improves.

One thing you can do now is to tell her she deserves much better.

You could also ask what her ideal life would be in 10 or 20 years time, without mentioning the boyfriend. Hopefully she may realise her real hopes diverge significantly from her boyfriend's.

Would she like to have children one day? Could you ask if she has thought about what kind of father she would like them to have?

speakout · 03/09/2018 09:39

This reply has been deleted

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Ledkr · 03/09/2018 09:40

I can't express to you enough how much you need to hang in there.
I was a victim of extreme DA when I was 16-19 and ended up with two babies as well.
My mum didn't have been less helpful after two initial incidents which she was privy to.
I remember leaving him when I was pg with the 2nd baby and went to stay with her (and her new family Sad) but was made to feel so unwelcome I went back.
My friends also got fed up with me coming and going back to him too.
It was my step mother who said "you can keep coming to me as many times as you like and I will always support you until one day you decide enough is enough"
This finally gave me the power to get away and I've never forgotten it.

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