To hate my DD's boyfriend

[Dhalandchips]

My beautiful, intelligent, feisty 23 yearly DD has been in a relationship with a bloke (I believe he's 27) on and off for about three years. I've never met him.
He hits her, she takes drugs when she's with him (which he supplies and she pays for in ways I don't want to think about), he threatens her, breaks her stuff. Generally a nasty piece of work.
She doesn't live with me, she chose to go and live with her dad when she was 15. Unfortunately, she never got on with my current exH, who was abusive to me. Her dad was also abusive.
It's a mess, but since I split with current exH, and she split with this bloke, I thought our relationship was slowly emerging from the mess and we were getting on well. I was spending more time with her. I've always told her how much I love her, and I'm here for her. But she's got back with him. She says I'm not there for her "at least he makes an effort to see me" . All through August I've been trying to contact her to meet for lunch, a coffee, whatever but she started seeing him again early summer. So she's blanking me again. But I'm at fault for not making an effort.
I know it's him. It's classic control and EA. I was gutted when I found out she was seeing him again. I don't know if her dad k ows, he's been paying for counselling for her to unravel the mess this man has created and now he's back.
She's so lovely and caring and funny but she's a shell when he's around.
I want him to just fuck off out of her life and leave her alone. "BUT I LOVE HIM" she wails. Aaaaaargh!
Sorry. Massive rant.

Hang on in there OP. You're doing the right things now and eventually she will realise that and will be up for repairing your relationship.

And it's a lesson learned - you won't prioritise a bloke over your younger DCs I'm sure. These cycles can be broken.

Many abusers are victims themselves.

Where does the buck stop exactly?

I too have been abused- raped and beaten.

My abuser was also abused as a child - does than mean he is to be pitied rather than blamed?

You made bad choices and she is paying the price. - @speakout

That's nasty. No one ever chooses to be with an abusive partner, and they often don't show their true colours until the other person is well and truly hooked.

Please educate yourself with regards to DV and stop victim blaming.

@speakout, My abuser was also abused as a child - does than mean he is to be pitied rather than blamed?

But the OP did not abuse her child. Suffering from abuse and abusing another person are totally different.

"I want him to just fuck off out of her life and leave her alone. "

But having been in two abusive relationships yourself, you know that that isn't how it works.

She is surely no more able to leave than you were?

Mugglemom

The OP was complicit in the abuse of her child.

She failed to keep her child safe, she did not safeguard her, she neglected her.

If social services had been involved the daughter would have been removed from the OPs care- as she was not keeping her safe.

You made bad choices and she is paying the price.

Her father made bad choices. Her mother's husband made bad choices. Her boyfriend is making bad choices.

And there are two women in the middle of it all, trying to deal with it. Much easier to attack the victims, right?

So the daughter's anger towards her mother is misplaced?

I think it is totally justified.

The OP placed her own love life over her child.

What does that feel like for the daughter?

I went through hell with my daughter. She spent 3 years with a narcissist. I would worry that she would end up dead. I had full blown arguments with her, and couldn't make her see sense. She is from a loving home, so no abuse/violence issues, yet she chose to stay with her BF. One day, out of the blue, my daughter declared, she was done with him and realised she deserved more. We had a long talk and what emerged, was that my daughter had no confidence in herself, and wrongly assumed that no-one would want her. It's been 8 months now and not once has she messaged him. He still tries to woo her back but she ignores him and won't respond, even to say get lost. My daughter is now more confident in herself and will approach me for advice, has landed her dream job and is in a much happier place. There's not much you can do to stop your daughter, I know, I've been there. Just wait it out and be there for her when she chooses to walk away.

Your poor daughter but also poor you. I think the above poster who suggested calling women’s aid is right: I think that would help both you and her. And reminding your daughter you are always there for her when she needs you.

It’s easier said than done but please try to not beat yourself up too much. Of course your daughter has witnessed the abuse over the years from both of your husbands and that is no doubt her “normal” but it was your normal for years too. When you are the victim of EA, sexual abuse and coercive control, even beatings, you can’t often see that it’s not ok especially in the beginning. It can take years to realise. It took me about 10 years to realise myself and my 2 children saw their dad’s behaviour as normal too. It took me another 2 years to leave. All we can do is keep battling to eradicate it so the cycle ends here and now.

NobodysChild
Well done to your dd. Glad things are working out for her.

There is so much shit on this thread, it's unbelievable.

1] It is NOT op's fault that she was a victim of DV, in any way
2] It is NOT as easy to leave as some would say
3] The daughter is being controlled, which is part of the reason why she isn't able to meet up with her mum ... the controlling bastard won't let her
4] I am sure op protected her daughter as much as she could, and she obviously id leave her abusive partners. These things don't happen overnight
5] Many of you are bullying her, and are as bad as her abusive ex's
6] Op is falling over herself to apologise to some of you and justify, and she doesn't need to do that
7] Of course it is victim blaming to blame op for this.

Not one of those blaming op has held either of her abusive ex partners to account for what her daughter is living through, and you are also not holding her daughter's abusive partner to account. Happy to blame a woman for man's violence.

WELL DONE on being part of the problem.

You’re right differentname it’s horrible and disappointing to read what certain other posters have said. And not the least bit helpful to the OP.

I hadn't thought of us doing the freedom project together, I think that's a brilliant idea. Of course I know it's not as straightforward as me telling her to leave him: since I split with ex, my friends (from whom I was isolated) have said they knew at the beginning he wasn't good for me but I was blinkered by his charm, 'care' for me, his 'rescuing me' etc. I lost a lot and I am slowly rebuilding my life. She has to want to leave him but his hold over her is powerful, as well as drug fuelled. I actually agree with speak out that I'm at least partly responsible for DD's anger, she is angry about a lot of things. When things were better, when she wasn't seeing him, we talked a lot. I acknowledged her anger, I listened carefully to what she had to say about everything. She said she appreciated hearing me say that I had got things so wrong. We were getting somewhere. Then she started seeing him again.