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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my DD's boyfriend

64 replies

Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 08:39

My beautiful, intelligent, feisty 23 yearly DD has been in a relationship with a bloke (I believe he's 27) on and off for about three years. I've never met him.
He hits her, she takes drugs when she's with him (which he supplies and she pays for in ways I don't want to think about), he threatens her, breaks her stuff. Generally a nasty piece of work.
She doesn't live with me, she chose to go and live with her dad when she was 15. Unfortunately, she never got on with my current exH, who was abusive to me. Her dad was also abusive.
It's a mess, but since I split with current exH, and she split with this bloke, I thought our relationship was slowly emerging from the mess and we were getting on well. I was spending more time with her. I've always told her how much I love her, and I'm here for her. But she's got back with him. She says I'm not there for her "at least he makes an effort to see me" . All through August I've been trying to contact her to meet for lunch, a coffee, whatever but she started seeing him again early summer. So she's blanking me again. But I'm at fault for not making an effort.
I know it's him. It's classic control and EA. I was gutted when I found out she was seeing him again. I don't know if her dad k ows, he's been paying for counselling for her to unravel the mess this man has created and now he's back.
She's so lovely and caring and funny but she's a shell when he's around.
I want him to just fuck off out of her life and leave her alone. "BUT I LOVE HIM" she wails. Aaaaaargh!
Sorry. Massive rant.

OP posts:
dworky · 03/09/2018 09:50

FFS Stop blaming women for male violence.

You are part of the problem. It's incredibly difficult to get out of an abusive relationship and judgemental attitudes like this prevent victims seeking help!

ParkheadParadise · 03/09/2018 09:56

dworky
Well said, totally agree with you.

totallywired · 03/09/2018 10:04

I don't think anyone is blaming women for male violence dworky , but whatever the reasons choosing a man over your child will be hugely damaging and it seems the op's daughter is understandably very angry with her. I think it will be very difficult to overcome this, as adults we do need to accept responsibility for our decisions and it may help if the op were able to unequivocally apologize to her daughter, without ifs and buts. The daughter was left with a choice of two households with abusive men. Clearly as the op says she was 'fucked up' but as a child the daughter was at the mercy of adults, of course the men were to blame for the abuse, but no one was willing to protect the daughter and it will take time and effort for her to forgive that.

Mugglemom · 03/09/2018 10:06

You're literally blaming the OP for having been a victim of abuse herself.

How is that not victim blaming?

LakieLady · 03/09/2018 10:13

There's no point in berating someone for past choices that can't be undone. It's unkind, too.

All I can suggest OP, is that you make sure your daughter knows she can always rely on your support if/when she feels ready to change things. Maybe give her the number for WA too, just in case.

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 10:15

Oh I have apologised, properly and sincerely. I really meant when I said how sorry I am for not hearing her voice. I have learnt a lot from MN! She is a very angry person, like her dad (not blaming- his dad beat him up too..the cycle continues).
I love her and just hope somehow I can help her get out of this shitty relationship with the dick of a boyfriend. There is no blame from me.

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 03/09/2018 10:16

My dd was in an abusive relationship when she was 17. Her father and I are in a loving, equal relationship. Abuse was not the norm yet for a while it was my dd's norm. Those of you priding yourselves on the fact that this will never happen to your daughters, I hope you are right.

Op - I wish you and your dd the very best.

totallywired · 03/09/2018 10:17

I am not blaming her for being a victim of abuse, but for choosing to keep her child in that situation. I can tell you as a child you will receive the message that no one cares about your well being, hence the daughter's anger with her mother. If the op wants a good relationship with her daughter she needs to broach the subject and accept her responsibility for keeping her daughter in an abusive household, obviously NOT for the abuse itself.

NadiaLeon · 03/09/2018 10:19

Accept you made mistakes and your daughter is an adult who will follow her own path.
Abuse is generational.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 10:19

“Those of you priding yourselves on the fact that this will never happen to your daughters, I hope you are right.”

This. My dad was loved, supported, bright, confident, independent.....if it could happen to her it could happen to anyone.

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 03/09/2018 10:20

totally wired I'm working on this. She deserved better.

OP posts:
KnotsInMay · 03/09/2018 10:23

OP, sorry you are in such a distressing situation.

Have you told your Dd that you are aware that the abusive relationships you were in will have had an impact on her? I know you were abused as a child and were in abusuve relationships, so you did not have the capacity to protect your Dd, but have you acknowledged this to her?

She may find it painful to see you on your journey to strength, and seeing you bring up younger siblings in a healthier family than she had,

Write her a letter, and maybe suggest doing the Freedom Programme together?

ParkheadParadise · 03/09/2018 10:24

Those of you priding yourselves on the fact that this will never happen to your daughters, I hope you are right

Agree with this, nobody knows how their child's life will turn out.

Notagainagainagain · 03/09/2018 10:25

Sure but we know statistics about the point of leaving an abusive partner being the riskiest time. Maybe OP was too afraid. Maybe she was worried about her dd having contact with her ex alone if she separated. Where as in the family unit she could be a buffer. We don’t know. But the point is she not come onto discuss that but how to now help her dd. OP has says she wished she’d done things differently and is sorry for that. Let’s give her a break now.

StrangeLookingParasite · 03/09/2018 10:25

There's no point in berating someone for past choices that can't be undone. It's unkind, too.

Yes to this.

Notagainagainagain · 03/09/2018 10:26

Sorry above post was to wired

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 10:27

My dad is free of her abuser now- but I am still shocked by how much I hate him. I think I could probably kill him, seriously. I didn’t know I could feel like this.

totallywired · 03/09/2018 10:28

Dhalandchips Flowers sounds like you have have had an awful time. I don't mean to have a go I'm just thinking about how things seem from your daughter's pov. You can't do anything about her bf other than be there for her and the best way to be there for her is to mend your relationship, which I think it absolutely doable.

Those of you priding yourselves on the fact that this will never happen to your daughters, I hope you are right. I haven't read a single post where anyone is priding themselves on the fact that this will never happen to there daughters. Total strawman.

ParkheadParadise · 03/09/2018 10:31

BertrandRussell
I can totally relate to how you feel.
I didn't think it was possible to have such hatred in me.

redshoeblueshoe · 03/09/2018 10:36

I agree with Knotsinmay, maybe suggest doing the Freedom Programme together

shallichangemyname · 03/09/2018 10:37

Call 101 and ask for your daughter to be given Clare's Law (this means telling her his DA/DV history if he has one - sometimes it acts as an eye opener, other times the person just carries on, excuses the behaviour and says "I love him", but at least you will have tried).

Italiangreyhound · 03/09/2018 10:37

Very sad. For once I have no advice, but I hope you will find a way to help her. Thanks

speakout · 03/09/2018 10:41

totallywired

Totally agree.

And I don't actually think the OP is realising that her daughter is a victim of something that the OP has done.

But I'm at fault for not making an effort.

This sarcastic comment in the original post speaks volumes.

whataboutbob · 03/09/2018 10:43

Speaking from a daughter’s perspective, counselling helped me to see that I didn’t feel I deserved a better life than my mother and therefore sabotaged myself on various issues. Our issues were not domestic violence though. I only realised that after she died though. Maybe your daughter feels something similar? Actively reassuring her that you have a better life than you did and are no longer a victim could empower her to be stronger and make better choices. Obviously YANBU to hate the guy.

PavlovaFaith · 03/09/2018 10:44

I'm so disappointed to read so many comments blaming the OP! Abusers destroy their victims. OP was a victim too. She wasn't making choices, she was being pulled apart.

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