To regret having my baby when I did

[Cleo2628]

I love my baby more than anything. She’s 10 months old and I love her more than I can explain. But I wish I could somehow have her in 5 years time instead.

I’m 24 and all my friends are out living the best life (currently all on holiday together) going to festivals, living in London together etc. My baby will only breastfeed to sleep (I’ve tried everything) so I can’t even have a night off. I’ve had a couple of days out with my friends though.

Have no career to go back to and can only go back part time but can’t find a job that’s good enough pay that it’s worth my time. Feel like I’ve messed my life up - I have a degree in fashion but couldn’t get a job in the industry after years of failed attempts.

I’m extremely lonely - my DH is away Sunday night to Friday evening for work, sometimes he does 6 day weeks as well. So I’m on my own just me & the baby the majority of the time.

I go to baby groups but only have made one friend over the past 10 months because I am usually the youngest Mum there & no one seems to want to hang out.

I know I should be grateful for what I have & I am - but I am just down a lot. I don’t have any energy. I find motherhood so hard & I am exhausted.

Honestly, if you're exhausted now then waiting until you are older would not have helped. I didn't have my son until late 30s and I often wish that I'd done it sooner as I'm just exhausted.

Hi I feel for you. My husband works away. I had a 22 month and a newborn and didn't see anyone for days it was awful. At least you're getting out. Once she starts nursery I think
you will feel much betterx

YANBU for how you feel, it must be hard without him there for most of the time and friends do drift when priorities are different.

Keep at it with the baby groups, and definitely try different ones You've not gone to in your area, new people fresh faces - maybe you'll click with someone.

Hope you've got family support, OP, too - parents/siblings ?

I hate all this 'living my best life' crap. It's another way to knock people down. You are living your life, that's it. Your friends are living their lives and you have no idea if they secretly wish they were settled down with a baby.
When the time comes, do try and go back to work. The longer you leave it the worse it gets. Get a job and get some experience behind you. You have a fashion degree, could you do personal shopping? Maybe set up your own business?
I do wish you all the best, but try not to look at the lives of other people. They are rarely as fabulous as they look.
Try and enjoy your baby, it takes time to make new friends. Keep going to the groups, they are good for both you and the baby.

Hang on in there op. I had my first dd at 26 before all my friends. I also felt jealous of their lives and wished I had hung on.
But you know what, DD is nearly 7 now, DS a little younger and we are having an awesome time - we sleep, we go on fun holidays, we are free of the worst of childcare costs, I work full time again. those friends I was jealous of all Have newborns and are struggling with the common loss of identity and jealously of other lives and now they are jealous of what I'm doing while they wrestle tiny kids!
All I'm saying is whenever you do it it feels tough , no easier when you're older really. You'll be through the worst with DD before you know it and you guys will be doing fun stuff (and sleeping)

Hmm it's tricky. It's difficult at any age really - swings and roundabouts I suppose. I had mine at 31 and 32 and wish I'd started a decade sooner. My siblings, who all had theirs in their late teens and early 20s are all past the baby and young child stage, don't have childcare worries and are all steaming ahead in their chosen careers whereas my career has stalled so much I don't think it will ever get moving again and we have absolutely no money.

for you, OP, that all sounds really tough. My DD is 7 months and I can't imagine how hard it is not having your DH around during the week. I'm 35, most of my friends don't have babies yet or are older than me so well past the baby stage. It's difficult feeling you're missing out, for sure.
The life of a parent is so different from when you're child free. It takes time for everything in that new life to fall into place. The work issue is particularly challenging for so many of us.

Have you considered starting a fashion blog? Even if it's something just for you, it might give you a bit of your own identity back, and could lead to new friendships and opportunities?

This is exactly how I felt when I had my first baby at 22. It wasn’t planned and I struggled massively with watching everyone else living their lives and I so desperately craved that freedom back.
For me it got much easier as my baby grew up. The first couple of years felt suffocating but time passes so quickly. The months of breastfeeding and sleepless nights soon become a distant memory. It’s easy to feel like this is your life forever but honestly it does get easier

Being a mum is tough at any age.

Focus on what you do have , not what you dont have. People are rarely happy when they focus on what they dont have.

I had my first at 15.
I totally missed out on my childhood. I've never been on holiday with friends, or went out and got drunk. When she was 3 I got a job in a factory every Friday we would spend the shift talking about what we were going to do at the weekend and spend our wages on.
I was the only one who was spending the weekend in the park and saving up for new shoes for dd. It was hard.
Baby groups were a life saver for me I'm still friends with people I met 26 years ago
It does get better.
I've actually got a 23year age gap between my Dd's so now I'm back where I started 😂😂

Hey

It’s really tough being a mama for the first time, there is no perfect age to do it. I think the way you are feeling is very normal and most mums have felt it no matter how old they were.

Re making friends I found this hard in the baby groups as everyone is ‘faking it until they make it’ and saying motherhood is a piece of cake/ most amazing thing ever. I found it hard to build genuine supportive friendships. I started being honest with some chosen ladies about how I was really feeling (in my case anxious and suffering from pnd) I found I made genuine connections which were really supportive.

Do you have family nearby? I would advise you to make an appointment with your GP and explain how you are feeling. There is tons of help and support out there.

Xxx

I’m in my 30s and will be at least 36, most likely older, when I start a family. I definitely wish I’d started a decade ago. A friend who had hers at 25 and really felt like she was missing out is now getting her life back and she’s only 36. Another friend who is 34 and has a teenager and a nearly 10 year old is going back to uni. My friend’s Mum had 4 kids by 26 and they’d all flown the nest when she was in her early 40s and has had the most amazing life since. I’m probably going to be looking after little ones in my forties and have to put my career on hold. You’ve still got lots of amazing time ahead of you, I promise!

Comparison is the thief of joy OP.

I was young when I got married and had my kids too, and I still am. At times it was hard being the grown up while my sister who is only a year younger than me was off travelling, having cocktails with the girls, can do whatever she wants with her time. But I know she is desperate to settle down, she looks at me and sees that I've married a man that I love and have 3 lovely kids.
She can feel lonely at times and worried about the future, I find it hard to get any time to myself - the grass is always greener on the other side, as they say! I'm sure your friends will pair off and become more settled soon enough.

Having a young baby is hard work! Make sure you're kind to yourself. Try different mums and tots groups, there's loads on in churches and village halls and things, if you wanted to you could be at a different one every day.

"Living your best life" is a social media con. It's just a tiny, heavily filtered, photogenic part of a day that probably had plenty of dull and crappy parts to it. Don't let what you see fool you.

As the saying goes "Comparison is the thief of joy".

There is little point in regretting when you had your baby as it is done now. To spend this time focusing on what others are doing is a waste of precious time that you can't get back. You can go to festivals and on holidays in a few years as your children get older. Being as young as you are means that you will have loads of time to have a decent career, if that's what you want, without it being interrupted just when things are taking off.

Having a baby is hard, whenever you do it. Sounds like you could do with some more support. Have you tried different groups in different areas? Took me ages to find one where anyone would speak to me, but I persisted and made some of the best friends I ever had.

Be kind to yourself xx

I was a young mum (21 and 2nd at 24). I know the feeling well, I used to be so jealous when I saw friend out etc.

Now though I am mid thirties , my school run days are behind me, I can leave the kids for a few hours to go for a meal with no baby sitter and my kids are old enough to really have fun with ! Holidays are ace now. My point is I have my life back , I actually hate that saying , but I can't think of another way to put it.
Most of my friends are only just starting to think about kids now... many looking at me wishing they had started sooner.
My point is there are pro's and con's to both but I am glad I didn't wait till my thirties even though it was hard at the beginning .

Don't forget that working is a way to meet people, make friends and be invited to social events. Even if it's not a brilliant job or one you've dreamed of (whose is?) it will still offer you that. So could be a little beacon of hope on the horizon?

I felt the same at 19 but your time will come. Keep going with the baby groups. New people will join all the time and you'll find people you click with eventually even if they are older. How about setting up your own group and make it how you want to

I think it’s human to have regrets. I regret pissing about my whole 20s instead of getting myself in a stable financial position for my 30s. I don’t regret having kids now though because if I waited another 10 years it would have been more difficult fertility wise.

Anyway, you’ll have plenty of time for traveling and fun over the years, it’s not something you can only do in your 20s. Motherhood is hard, exhausting, but when yours is 18 you’ll be in your 40s with plenty of life left in you. If everything goes to plan my last kid will leave home when I’m in my 60s. I must be mad. Mad as a hatter. Must have inhaled a vial of mercury or something.

Where do you live OP? I have a baby and am always looking to make new friends

I was 22 when I had my first and felt similar. Was also in a poor position financially.
Now she’s 15 and I am absolutely living having my life and independence back while the friends I envied then are still changing nappies. I am also starting out in s new career
There’s no right time. My dcs live having a younger mum despite the early struggles ( non of which they remember)

I had DD at nearly 42. I hadn't planned it like this, but years of infertiltity meant that it didn't happen sooner. I'm 59 now, and I see friends of mine at a similar age whose children are now completely independent. The friends travel a lot and do so many things we are unable to do yet.

I found it very isolating at first as I didn't know anyone with small children. I also found it very hard to adjust to parenthood having been an adult for more than half of my life before DD came along. The first toddler group I went to was very cliquey, but the second one wasn't. I'm still friends with a couple of mums that I met there.

It must be really hard now, when your friends are all off doing the amazing carefree hard-living stuff.

However ... it ain't that amazing IMHO. I much, much prefer doing festivals now with DD 9 than I did when I was child free at your current age.

My pals who were child free when I'd already had mine are now all grapling with newborns and toddlers.... lovely relaxed holidays and nights out are years away.

Your time will come again, and way quicker than you realised. When your child starts school, hey presto, 30+ potential new friends amongst the parents :) baby groups are... ok but not a patch on the later childhood friendship opps.

Your DP's working pattern sounds really tough on you. Could they get somehing closer to home even if it meant a pay cut?

Basically there is no wrong and there is no right
This is about how you feel about yourself
Get up, realise you’re a great person, you love your child, as my old ma used to say DO NOT worry about the future. It will be ok.

Is your DP working in the same place all the time? If so why not all move there so you can be together as a family? The way you're doing things now really does sound tough.

I had my DD younger than you are now and I had a few of those moments. However, I looked at what I had and realised this was better than girls holidays and nights out. 10 years on those friends I was envious of are only just having babies and I do not envy them! I'm glad I had my baby young because although I'm not old I definitely wouldn't want to have newborns at this age.