To regret having my baby when I did

[Cleo2628]

I love my baby more than anything. She’s 10 months old and I love her more than I can explain. But I wish I could somehow have her in 5 years time instead.

I’m 24 and all my friends are out living the best life (currently all on holiday together) going to festivals, living in London together etc. My baby will only breastfeed to sleep (I’ve tried everything) so I can’t even have a night off. I’ve had a couple of days out with my friends though.

Have no career to go back to and can only go back part time but can’t find a job that’s good enough pay that it’s worth my time. Feel like I’ve messed my life up - I have a degree in fashion but couldn’t get a job in the industry after years of failed attempts.

I’m extremely lonely - my DH is away Sunday night to Friday evening for work, sometimes he does 6 day weeks as well. So I’m on my own just me & the baby the majority of the time.

I go to baby groups but only have made one friend over the past 10 months because I am usually the youngest Mum there & no one seems to want to hang out.

I know I should be grateful for what I have & I am - but I am just down a lot. I don’t have any energy. I find motherhood so hard & I am exhausted.

Living your best life is going to look different for everyone, though. Is what your friends are doing your idea of the best life, OP? If it is, develop a new best life for you and your DD/DH - what would that look like? Is your DH looking for work nearer home?

My DH worked away when DD was small and it is hard, nice but slightly disruptive to have them home and then lonely when they go away.

Thank you for your kind replies everyone 🧡 I feel a lot better now.

I am new to this so not sure how to tag people to reply! But to answer some questions -

• I live in Kent (don’t wanna get too specific! )
• my DH works in a job that means he works in various places in/around London. (Again - don’t wanna get too specific!) we can’t afford to live in London anymore due to space and decided to move here because my parents live here. And yes I do get some help from my mum which does help

Going to try & keep my head up, keep searching for a job & focus on a career later.

Think I was feeling particularly down tonight as I keep seeing pictures of all my friends pop up on holiday together & I’m feeling very left out. Perhaps I should delete Instagram!

Keep thinking I may have PND but maybe it is just lonliness due to being on my own mostly with DH away for work and friends off together? I take my hat off to single mums! I can’t imagine that - at least I have weekend help from DH!

In all seriousness, don’t do this to yourself. There’s no knowing that spending the next decade on your career and social life would have made you any happier or more successful - especially in a hard to crack industry like fashion. Whereas you know you love your baby now. Your clubbing career friends very likely don’t think for a second you have any regrets - they’ll see the adorable pictures of you and your baby and go all mushy and think how lucky you are and want to settle down and have their own. But they won’t, yet, if they’re not ready. Just like you could have carried on being young and unencumbered, but you chose to have a baby. You were ready. You are ready.

It’s all just timing anyhow - your child will grow up, your time will be your own again, before you know it they’ll have left home and had children of their own - and you won’t even be 50, which is no age now never mind in 20 years time when no doubt we’ll all be expecting to work until we’re 80 and live past 100. You’ll have your time to be you again, and there’s a lot to be said for having that time when you’re older and wiser and know what you want, surely.

I pretty much pissed away my 20s feeling anxious and fretful and directionless. Having a baby at 32 was the making of me, I know who I am now and I wish I’d done it a decade earlier and not wasted my time. I still anticipate having a lot of personal enjoyment and success in my life once she starts growing into her own, and I’ll be a lot older than you love

Don’t ever compare your life to others, you only know what they want you to know and there’s always more to it, both sweet and bitter, than can ever be told.

You are doing a really rough thing - no wonder you are feeling like this. Anyone would. You need to figure out what practical things might be changeable in the future (near or distant) to make it feel more liveable.

For one thing, your baby will change. I found 6-11 months a pretty hellish time, in that it's the time a baby isn't a docile newborn, but is also unable to express a lot of its wants. I do believe it gets much, much easier from then on!

I recently moved to an area where I am usually the oldest mum, and I'm 33. I feel weird about it too. The grandparents make a beeline for me, and they are nice, but I feel strange about that too! So I do get why age is an issue, but it's not right you're feeling left out because of it. Are there any online groups where you could scope out mums more your age? Round here I've found that if I go to the nearest baby groups, I am 'old,' but if I go to one only slightly further away, I fit in much more.

The loneliness is rubbish, but just remember - you are a heroine. You are raising a baby with a partner who's often not there, and you are keeping it together. So keep telling yourself that. And fuck the people who think you should be 'grateful'!

It sounds tough, but I think having a baby just is. That’s not at all meant to take anything away from your experience as loneliness and exhaustion is awful. I know in my area there are some Facebook groups for mums and on there a few people who are new to the area asked to meet up with mums of the same age. There were some v keen replies, many people feel isolated these days.

Op, this was me 21 years ago. It’s so hard having a baby when all your friends are partying, travelling, on the first stage of their exciting career etc. I persevered with baby groups and eventually made a couple of good friends who were my lifeline, it took a while though. I had another baby 5 years later by which time it was much easier to make “mum” friends of my age. 21 years on, I have a good career, nice holidays and relaxing weekends whilst my old friends are grappling with toddlers, school runs and the rest. I promise you that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and wish you and your baby the very best.

Cleo I do feel for you, I really do. I'm the opposite though. I had my daughter aged 39 and wish I'd had a baby earlier, but couldn't as I hadn't met the right person and plus I had fertility problems. I'm now 42 with a 3 year old, am a single mum, and I must admit I find it very tiring. If I'd been in my 20s, I know I'd have had a lot more energy and would have enjoyed the whole experience a lot more. My advice is to not think that your life is somehow over because you have a child. It must be difficult with your DH working away, but do you have any family or friends who can babysit sometimes so you can go out and enjoy yourself? Your baby is still very young and you're breastfeeding so at the moment it is difficult to get time to yourself as your baby is totally reliant on you, but in time, when your baby gets older it will get a lot easier and you will be able to get away and go out and enjoy yourself. I don't know enough about your situation, but I say that there is no reason why you can't still have a career. You have a degree which is a good start! Also, when your child is 18 and an adult, you will be 42, which is the age I am at now. That is still relatively young and they do say that life begins at 40! I will be approaching 60 by the time my daughter is 18 and would much rather be in my early 40s! Does your husband and family know how you are feeling?

OP I'm 34 and having my first, none of my closest friends have children and I'm not sure any will soon, some I know won't at all or can't. You could've waited ten years and still be the only one of your circle to do it. It must be hard with DP away a lot, even if part time work wouldn't be building a career it would be an identity outside of home and you might meet people there with children too

Play the long game OP, most of the people I know had their children later in life and I am quietly sniggering behind my hand enjoying the fact that I am relatively young and no longer tied down by small children and babysitters. I had my eldest at your age and now he is flying the nest and I still have the energy to focus on doing fun stuff/have weekends away. I am free and youngish and no longer running behind toddlers like the majority of my acquaintances plus I have more money to 'live my best life' and the experience to do a really good job of it. I love that my children aren't millions of years younger than me and we get on really well. I couldn't imagine in a million years doing it now not when I was younger and flexibly minded, from my position it looks like having children in your later 30's is incredibly hard work in a different way to having them young. Looking back there is no chance I would have done it the other way round. Just very lucky I didn't have FB to make me examine my decision in such detail when I did!

Oh, and - I keep getting people asking me 'why didn't you wait a few years'. So that pressure is definitely still there!

Check out the Mush App letsmush.com/. Might help you connect with other younger mums (not sure if it covers your area but worth a look?) Also, do you have a children’s centre near you? They often have groups specifically for younger mums. Hope things get better for you - it’s so tough being a mum at times!

I had DD at 21, and I have felt like you do at times, but I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel now she's two and I'm going. back to university. It will get better, and it does get easier. PM me if you'd like to chat, I know it's lonely

@Cleo2628

It WILL get better. Your daughter will grow into a cute little toddler/infant soon who you can have lots of new adventures with, and you can still do loads of things with her; holidays, days out, trips to theatres, cinemas, restaurants etc...

What's puzzling me a bit is you didn't have her til 23, so did you not do some partying, and festival-going, and young-people type stuff before that?

If not, what were you doing?

I'm also in my twenties with 2(shit!) now. In twenty years, when we have well and truly turfed our kids out of the door, we will be in our forties! How amazing is that!

Keep going with the baby groups. Don't let feeling young stop you from interacting with older Mums, all my 'Mum' friends are older than me, my closest Mum friend is 40.

I've started a business, as I was feeling a bit lost career wise. It's not what I want to do long term but it's doing well and hopefully in a few years I can sell it for a wodge of money and we can use that to get on the property ladder and invest into a business I'm more interested in/go and do a proper degree(Art grad here 😂)

I had my first at 37 and in retrospect I wish I’d done it 10 years earlier. My friends who had babies in their 20s are now off at festivals and on holidays. Just this week I’ve had invitations to girls holidays in Greece and Croatia, and while they’ll be off having a ball I’ll be ferrying my kids round to clubs and play dates, and worrying about school trips and packed lunches.

The first year with a baby is the hardest. You’re doing all the right things. Keep going to the groups. After a while you’ll have been there longer and the old cliques will leave as their kids start school, and new people will join, wanting to make friends. I spent about a year going to a church club and struggling to make any impact, then suddenly I was one of the regulars and helping out with craft sessions and helping others settle in. And get a part time job or volunteer, even if it barely covers the cost of childcare. Try merchandising, or personal shopper, or anything still related to fashion if you’d still like to work in that industry. Any relevant experience is better than none.

This will pass, but it’s a bugger at the time, especially when you’re probably not sleeping properly and don’t have a partner to fall back on during the week.

I was your age when I had my eldest (very unplanned) and I did miss out on things etc. However on balance I have a few good friends that now 20+ years on haven't been able to have DC and now won't be which is very sad for them (they wanted them very much once they hit 30)

Grass is always greener!

My youngest is still a teen so plan to do some living in a few years time.

10 months is still very, very tiny. I remember when DS1 was that age and wasn’t sleeping, having a baby had taken a toll on our marriage, and I was trying to sort out returning to work, for what seemed like a pittance. I was 27 when he was born and I felt a lot like you. It doesn’t help that I look younger than I am, so I did/do feel judged! I returned to an admin job, I had turned down a promotion whilst pregnant (I knew the job wouldn’t have been compatible with family life) then when I did go back to work I went to lunch with one of my colleagues who asked me why on Earth i’d bothered getting a degree if I was just going to “go part time in an admin job”...

It got better, DS2 is now 6 months old and I’ve been promoted twice in the last year to a more specialised role which makes the most of my skills. I spent the best part of 2 years wondering if I should have started a family later, but I know that doing so I wouldn’t have had DS1 who is now an amazing 3.5 year old. I had a horrendous miscarriage before falling pregnant with DS2 as well, which made me appreciate my life, as it is now, a bit more.

I had my DD at barley 20, OP, though I've been a single mum from the word go. I felt just the same as you once upon a time. But guess what? It gets so, so much easier. I promise it does! And I can assure you in a few years time, those friends you're envious of right now will be very envious of you! Swings and roundabouts. There are pros and cons no matter what age you have kids.

I actually think having a baby young was weirdly the best thing I ever did. My career is really starting to take off and I have an amazing 11 year old DD who is independent and can be left alone for a bit now. No more issues with childcare, etc. I have a fantastic social life having knuckled down with the baby groups and met some wonderful friends. More than anything - I have ENERGY! I average 8 hours sleep a night and wake up fresh faced and raring to go every morning. The only time I've felt truly tired as a parent was the initial newborn stage as a BF mum, and even then, DD was always pretty easy!

I wouldn't swap my life with any other. I watch my old school friends just starting out family life in their early to mid thirties now and all I can think is OH HELL NO! I'm only 31 and I definitely have that 'the world is my motherfucking oyster!' mentality going on

for you. Step away from Shitstagram and let 'em get on with it. Keep going with the baby groups. Think about what you'd like to do job-wise and see what's out there. And give your DD lots of snuggles 'cause the wee monsters grow up far too quickly and before you know it, they're rolling their eyes at you and finding you 'SOOOOOOO embarrassing!'

I had my first at 20 and I remember texting my mate to see what she was up to while my baby was screaming her head off and she was off out nightclubbing.

16 years on I am so glad I had her when I did. We have had so many adventures together. Whilst most of my friends children are still young and even babies.

wishingitwasfriday
Really? Hmmm... Think that' s what the op needs? bad day yourself?

I had my first baby at the same age as you op. I was really lucky and made an amazing group of friends at a breastfeeding group - we are still close 16 years and many more kids on!
I did lose a lot of my old school friends as I couldn't join in with the city breaks they'd arrange so everyone could meet up. Now they have their own dc, I do wonder if they understand why it wasn't possible for me to always join them.
When term starts again and baby groups are back on, make it your mission to find some friends with dc of similar ages. On your days off, invite them to your house or out to a coffee shop or soft play - the more you fill your days and the more adult company you have, the more you will enjoy your days.

I'd second the mush app. I find that people are friendly at baby groups but it's hard to actually make close friends and a lot of people are just looking for an activity to do with their baby rather than making friends.

On mush people are always posting about wanting new friends and suggesting small group activities where it's easier to get to know people than at baby groups.

If it's any consolation I'm 10 years older than you and wish I'd had my daughter years ago! But then it wouldn't be her, it would be a different baby and I wouldn't swap my perfect little one for anything.

I really sympathise with you in the sense that the world has changed so much in the last 30 years - there are so many ways to have fun now and show off about it too. I think many people look at social media and feel they aren't having as much fun as other people. It can torment you in all honesty.

I'd give yourself a break from IG and Facebook. Focus on making some real life connections and just be nice to yourself because I can see your situation must be lonely at times. You will still have lots of fun and adventures ahead of you, I promise.

I had my oldest DD at 22 .. at the time it felt like I missed out alot and I felt left behind, but now?

She's 22 and we hang out together, festivals, concerts etc. Family holidays are amazing without having to worry about small children and I'm retraining in my career. I'm 44 and most of my friends who are the same age who have babies/toddlers admit to being jealous.

I have SHITLOADS of energy and look decades younger. Not a boast but we are ALWAYS asked if we are sisters.

The negative is having your clothes nicked all the time!

I’m 25 with a baby and my husband is home to sleep for a few hours and back at work. If you need someone to chat to I’m really happy to be friends.