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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To regret having my baby when I did

60 replies

Cleo2628 · 02/09/2018 21:33

I love my baby more than anything. She’s 10 months old and I love her more than I can explain. But I wish I could somehow have her in 5 years time instead.

I’m 24 and all my friends are out living the best life (currently all on holiday together) going to festivals, living in London together etc. My baby will only breastfeed to sleep (I’ve tried everything) so I can’t even have a night off. I’ve had a couple of days out with my friends though.

Have no career to go back to and can only go back part time but can’t find a job that’s good enough pay that it’s worth my time. Feel like I’ve messed my life up - I have a degree in fashion but couldn’t get a job in the industry after years of failed attempts.

I’m extremely lonely - my DH is away Sunday night to Friday evening for work, sometimes he does 6 day weeks as well. So I’m on my own just me & the baby the majority of the time.

I go to baby groups but only have made one friend over the past 10 months because I am usually the youngest Mum there & no one seems to want to hang out.

I know I should be grateful for what I have & I am - but I am just down a lot. I don’t have any energy. I find motherhood so hard & I am exhausted.

OP posts:
TravelAndAdventure · 03/09/2018 18:36

I had my first at 23 and felt like you do. The only good thing was that there wasn't really social media then (2006) apart from MySpace so I didn't really get everyone's lives shoved down my throat. I used to get invited out clubbing though, and have to turn it down as baby had reflux/no babysitter etc. It was hard! None of my friends had babies, my closest ones are just pregnant now and I'm 35!

I took a big gamble back then and went for a well paid job and got it (interview was when my son was 6 weeks old, first time away from him and my boobs leaked all the way through the interview!)

He's now coming up to 12 years old and starting secondary school. We also have a 9 year old and life is good. Have been to various holidays, great places in the States, plus gigs etc. I love seeing things through my children's eyes.

I also have to tell you that although most of my friends spent their 20s travelling and at festivals, they are the first to tell you that they don't recollect that much due to doing drugs and they don't look back at it very fondly. They envy me now, I never could have imagined that it would end up that way.

Cakefairy1978 · 03/09/2018 20:52

I was 35 when 1st was born and 37 when 2nd was born. I went out had fun blah blah but I'm utterly exhausted. My sister started her family in her 20s and eldest is 16. Sometimes I'm so jealous. Your time will come I promise. You'll gave your life back when your friends start a family. You'll be laughing when you can have a lie in and they're moaning of exhaustion. Honestly, don't stress. Speak to your hv about groups for younger mum's. There will be some. It's lovely irrespective of age sweetie but please speak to your hv and go out for walks to break the say up xxx

CityFarmer · 03/09/2018 21:44

I think it's probably less of an age issue, more that those close to you/friends are on a different path at the moment. If you'd all been having kids together, the age would be irrelevant iyswim.
I was almost 21 when i had my first. Year later all my Friends went travelling, i was invited but didnt go, didnt think it was the best thing to do with a small daughter. I do get what you mean. Now ive finished with young babies, theyre all just settling down, I'll have my time to do travelling while they're still doing school runs ;)
There's no correct age to do these things

CityFarmer · 03/09/2018 21:46

...also my fellow parents at school are average 15 years older than me. So again get where you're coming from, but dont let that be a barrier to getting along with them

Mishappening · 03/09/2018 21:52

There is no right time to have a baby.

You are very young - you have many years ahead of you to pick up your career, or take up a new one.

The baby is here now, and clearly very loved - enjoy that just now and take delight in all the good times to come as a mother. There will be plenty of time for other things later.

I changed career when I was 50. Do not feel that life is passing you by - the secret of a successful life is to enjoy what you have when you have it or you live a life of regrets.....and that is a waste.

Graphista · 03/09/2018 22:42

This too shall pass.

It IS exhausting having a baby at ANY age. There are pros and cons to all ages of which you become a mum for the first time.

Ask your hv if there are baby groups near you with a younger membership?

Look into what it would take to go back to work (always worth doing regardless of the finances unless it's actually leaving you much worse off of you didn't. If you're basing it on childcare costing more than you alone would earn remember the childcare costs are half dads responsibility too).

Find other things to do where you might meet other parents.

Keep in mind, that it actually really won't be long at all until your child becomes less dependent on you and you can go out of a night, away for weekends etc and even when your child turns 18 you'll still only be 41/42 which is plenty young enough to do all kinds of things.

As wishingitwasfriday says, also don't fall for the false presentations people make on SM. It's entirely possible some of those seemingly "living it up" would love to be in your position.

I didn't have dd until I was nearly 30, but only those closest to exh and I knew that we'd been trying for a family for almost 7 years by that point. A combination of illness, mc/ectopic pregnancy, several surgeries, exh being deployed meant that we didn't become parents as soon as we planned. Meanwhile, those who didn't know us as well, as far as they were concerned we were just a young married couple enjoying ourselves, going away on holidays, long weekends, nights out etc if SM had been around then I wouldn't have been posting my heartache, worries that I'd never be a mum, I'd have been coping by making out all was fine.

I was absolutely exhausted when dd was this age, wondered at times if I'd done the right thing having her when I did (I was still one of the younger first time mum's in my social group) even though if I'd delayed chances are it would have been even more difficult. I had only one other close friend who was also a mother. At times it felt like I'd never escape the endless round of feeding/changing nappies/bathing/laundry etc

I've friends in my close friendship group who if you went on their SM you'd think were child free by choice, living it up having great careers, holidays, nights out etc - because we're close I know that actually they'd have loved to be parents but for various reasons it's not been possible for them (Ivf & other fertility treatments actually have relatively low success rates, adoption isn't for everyone and even those that want to adopt aren't always successful). You rarely know the full story unless you're really close to people.

Weirdly due to life circumstances I've ended up living somewhere where I'm now older than most of dds friends mum's so I'm seen totally differently here!

Things change/evolve. As your child gets older not only is there more they can do (which is great fun) but you can do more too.

If you're in Kent and he's working in/around London why isn't he coming home? Many London commuters live in Kent and go home most nights.

But don't worry it will always either be or feel like now. That's why I said "this too shall pass" all stages of life. Good and bad, don't last forever. So while it can be heartening to think you'll have more independence in the near future, don't forget to enjoy now! This baby won't be this age again.

ElainaElephant · 03/09/2018 22:54

I'm at the other end. I had my first at 24, my second soon after.

Its great! I am mid 40s, and have total freedom to do what I want when I want, where some of my friends are focused on school runs.

I would not change places for the world.

PasstheStarmix · 03/09/2018 22:56

Honestly op I’m so tired doing it now I’m my thirties that sometimes I wish I’d done it in my twenties. Women bounce back much faster when they’re younger and have more energy. I’m so tired now that I’m dreading how I’ll feel if I go on to have another. It gets worse every decade.

PasstheStarmix · 03/09/2018 22:57

in

Hopoindown31 · 03/09/2018 23:05

You can live your best life when you are in your 50's and have more money that is what my folks are doing and loving it!

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