Is sperm donation unfair on the children?

[Allopinionswelcome1]

I'm really interested in people's opinions on this generally, as I'm 38 and considering the sperm donor route, but I'm also really keen to do the right thing and not screw up my kid!

There is a bit of research showing that children of sperm donors can be upset and confused by their origins, which used to worry me. However this research is usually on adults who were born 20-40 years ago, when it was considered shameful and was often hushed up, they sometimes 'found out' when they were teenagers (sometimes mid-argument), or if they were told early on were treated like freak among classmates. They also will never be able to find out who their donors are or whether they have any half siblings, because sperm donation used to be anonymous.

These days those things aren't so much of an issue.
a) it's not particularly unusual (there are two in my nephew's class).
b) You get to know more about donors and their extended family than I've ever known about any guy I dated (e.g. that their maternal grandmother started wearing reading glasses aged 46). You get essays and personality tests, and adult pics and child pics and art they have created, and voice recordings...
c) The child can find out about their donor at 18, and can meet half siblings earlier than that through the donor sibling registry - so there's not so much of the mystery growing up.

In terms of family, I have 3 sisters living walking distance away, who have 4 kids between them and hopefully more on the way, and we see each other at least twice a week. My mum is in the same town and is always over at our houses. So they would have a big family, 3 lovely role models in my BILs and loads and loads of love.

So I'm wondering whether there is still a view that sperm donation is unfair on the child, and if so why?

This is a genuinely open question - I'm not particularly interested in defending a particular point of view, just to hear what the different views are.

There is no such thing as a perfect family.

I wouldn’t let these disadvantages stop you going ahead.

It's no different than having a baby with a man and him walking away.

So what makes you happy. Kids are great.

I personally wouldn't choose to do it. I used to think it was absolutely fine but DH is adopted and seeing how he has been affected by the absence of his biological parents has changed my mind. His adoptive parents are lovely and he has met both his birth parents now and has a good relationship with them, but he's nevertheless regularly in tears about what he has missed growing up and how he wishes he was from a "normal" family (especially when we watch Long Lost Family).

I know there are a lot of kids brought up in worse circumstances (abusive fathers etc) and children who are the product of one night stands who never know their fathers, but to me it seems a bit different if you get pregnant by accident and then have to make the best of a bad situation vs. choosing to have a child via sperm donor.

If I hadn't ended up with DH I think I'd maybe consider fostering alone (assuming this is permitted - I haven't looked into it) but I don't think I'd consider having a baby via sperm donation now.

It's no different than having a baby with a man and him walking away

True, but I wouldn't choose this situation, and I'd feel sad for the child if it happened. Obviously if it does happen though, you make the best of it.

@AllyMcBeagle
but he's nevertheless regularly in tears about what he has missed growing up

What is it that he feels he missed? The experience of being brought up by biological parents? Wider bio family?

My DD is from sperm donation, so obviously I thought about it and decided it sounded like a good idea. When you say You get to know more about donors and their extended family than I've ever known about any guy I dated (e.g. that their maternal grandmother started wearing reading glasses aged 46). You get essays and personality tests, and adult pics and child pics and art they have created, and voice recordings - well, we didn't go for any of that. We knew a couple of relevant medical details, and we have a nice message he left for her/us, which explains that he and his wife had fertility trouble and so needed help too. I liked that.

I think adoption is a different situation and I'm not sure I would compare the two.

I also think it's important to be honest about these things with a child, so it's no great mystery to them.

I think it’s unfair on two levels:

1- the child will never understand where half their dna/ character traits come from
2- I don’t think it’s ideal for a child to be raised by a single parent...now of course life happens, I myself was raised from the age of 8 by my just my dad but I wouldn’t choose this harder route

If the child is loved and is given a happy young life by one parent that's more than a lot of children get with two parents.

The fact that he/she is very much wanted makes all the difference.

I don't see how sperm donation can be compared to a child being given up for adoption....That's a whole different set of dynamics.

I think having a dad is very important to a child - that stability of having both parents, having a father figure in its life etc. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have grown up without my dad. I see the relationship my two sons have with their dad and it’s wonderful, their life is truly enriched by him and if they didn’t have him in their life then I would feel they were missing out on something very special.

I know some men are arse holes, they walk away, the child is better off without then etc etc but this is the minority im sure and that at the other ends of the spectrum are wonderful child-father relationships.

I have a friend who had a child with a man who flitted when she announced she was pregnant. The child is now 2.5 years and she is often in tears over the situation, she says she feels so guilty that her child has to grow up without a dad and she can’t bear to think of the days when he’s going to start asking why he hasn’t got a daddy like everyone else.

I can completely understand why women who want a baby works choose this route, but there is a real life child that is going to be born into a situation that they didn’t ask for and the emotional implications of that situation can be very difficult on them I imagine as they have been denied a father.

There’s a difference to a child growing up without a father because he wasn’t interested or because he passed away (just two examples off the top of my head) and children who grow up without a father because the mother made that choice for them by using donor sperm. The first situation is out of the mother’s control but the second one isn’t.

There’s no right or wrong answer at all, it’s a very valid choice for a lot of women but it’s not something I could imagine myself doing.

However, if it’s something you really wish to do then good luck and I hope you get the baby you want. Life can be too short for what-ifs

I would post on the donor conception board. You'll get a lot more informed responses OP

""and can meet half siblings earlier than that through the donor sibling registry""

That's the bit that might concern me. There would be an influence that is completely out of your control.

I've seen Adopted and Fostered children be completely messed up when they have tracked down half-siblings, it's changed the course of their life. Likewise children living with just their Mum and they've tracked their Bio-Dad's Family.

But, I would have went down any route to have children, so probably would have gone with sperm donation and moved away.

There’s a difference to a child growing up without a father because he wasn’t interested or because he passed away (just two examples off the top of my head) and children who grow up without a father because the mother made that choice for them by using donor sperm. The first situation is out of the mother’s control but the second one isn’t.

I see the relationship my two sons have with their dad and it’s wonderful, their life is truly enriched by him and if they didn’t have him in their life then I would feel they were missing out on something very special.

These bits are the main source of my anxiety really - I don't want to cause my children suffering knowingly/deliberately or to miss out on something amazing.

It did get me thinking about my own family situation - my dad was in the 'not interested' category, didn't particularly want kids, angered easily, and it was always nicer when he wasn't around. To all intents and purposes my mum was a single mother (although they were together throughout my childhood). My mum did have control over this as she decided to have kids with him, and his personality type means it was a given he would behave like this.

I had counselling about my relationship with my dad, so yes I did suffer, but would I prefer not to have been born? No way! I have great relationships with other family members including all my sisters - and in fact used to feel really sorry for people who didn't have 3 sisters (i.e. the vast majority of the population). It was only when I was a teenager that I realised a lot of people were happy with their own family situation and probably not at all jealous - maybe they even pitied me for not having a brother?

What is it that he feels he missed? The experience of being brought up by biological parents? Wider bio family?

I think he spent his life before he met both his birth parents feeling "incomplete" and wondering where he's from. This isn't any kind of criticism of his adoptive parents - I think it's a natural feeling to want to know your biological heritage on both sides and to have a connection with your birth parents. I was with him when he finally tracked his birth dad (he had already found his birth mum before we got together) and I remember all the anguish and unanswered questions he had up to that point about who his father was.

Now he's in touch with everyone I think it's mainly the experience of being raised by his birth parents that he feels he has missed out on. His adoptive parents are lovely but they don't have that much in common with him. He has lots in common with his birth mum (both in terms of personality and they are the spitting image of each other) but she didn't raise him so they don't have that history together. His birth mum went on to have other children and, again, whilst they get on well with DH they don't have those bonds of growing up together, shared memories etc.

It's not the same as having a baby via sperm donation obviously because the child would grow up with a "full" connection (ie genetic and growing up with) their mother. But I think there are some parallels because I think they might have a similar "incomplete" feeling about not knowing who their birth dad is for years, and even if they get to meet the sperm donor dad once they are an adult it won't really be the same as having had their dad around when they were growing up. Also, you have the issues about the fact that they won't have a father figure in their life at all, unless you meet someone later on, and I would guess that could be especially detrimental if the child is a boy.

Good on you for thinking about this though whatever you decide I think if I was in a similar situation I could have easily gone for sperm donation thinking it would be fine without properly thinking through the consequences for the child.

I've seen Adopted and Fostered children be completely messed up when they have tracked down half-siblings, it's changed the course of their life.
Hmm, I hadn't thought of that - most of the stories I've seen involve quite young kids whose parents have introduced them... (Without wanting to make too many assumptions though, I would have thought that the siblings of adopted/foster kids have much more chaotic lives and more likely to be troublesome influences, due to the circumstances of abuse and neglect that very often leads to adoption?)

I would post on the donor conception board. You'll get a lot more informed responses OP
Thanks, I did look there first but it seemed quite quiet and very pro donor conception (understandably - but I wanted to get a sense of general opinion on the topic by those not necessarily doing it, and to hear uncomfortable truths - AIBU can always guarantee that!).

@AllyMcBeagle
Thanks for your response :) I appreciate it.

I don't know if you've come across Deborah Frances-White's comedy show about tracking down her birth family? It seems like a similar story to your DH's, and is really touching and funny and deals with all the feelings about lost opportunities and what ifs. I've pasted the links below if you are interested.

Part one: vimeo.com/79095095
Part two: vimeo.com/79794006

I think you are right that it would be easier with a girl. I did talk to a family friend a while ago who is in her late 20s so was the child of a single mother and sperm donor when it was still taboo - she said she never felt the lack of a father, which she reckons is because she wasn't actively rejected (not like adoption where parents make a choice to give a child up, or like a father choosing to leave the family after the child is born). She has an amazing relationship with her mum (who is awesome) and 4 godfathers, so that probably helps! And I fully appreciate that others in the same situation could think about it differently.

It’s just the same as egg donation, which I actually looked at as it can reduce the cost on IVF. Funny enough though my DH wasn’t that comfortable with it but it wouldn’t have bothered me.

Your doing an good thing.

Also you don’t know if the sperm is going to a fatherless family. My cousin is a lesbian and she and her wife had a sperm doner which resulted in one gorgeous boy in a very happy family. Your sperm could go to a family where the man isn’t able to produce it.

It really isn’t just for single ladies

The idea of sperm donation is repugnant to me. Far better to have a child with a man you know even if you don't stay together.

The only reason a man donates sperm is to make money. What sort of a man is that?

Feel similarly about egg donation.

Either have a baby through the normal route or don't have one. There are other things to do in life.

I’d feel strange knowing I was the product of two people who had never even met never mind had any sort of relationship.

Lovely trolling Rebecca

My son has azoospermia and along with his wife opted for iui with donor sperm. In Canada it’s illegal for donors to be paid and they are required to do ongoing medical tests for years after donating.
The little girl is adorable and very loved and cherished.
No one knows how she will react when she finds out her dad has a malfunctioning part that prevented him being a biodad.
Teenage years are hard no matter what.

I know siblings who only found out that they were donor conceived in their 30s. One was fairly unbothered and one took it badly. Now, through AncestryDNA, they’re tracking down loads of half siblings. They even found one half sibling who didn’t know he was donor conceived. Imagine finding out like that! They also found the donor father, who was apparently quite a prolific donor in the 80s. God knows how many children he has out there.

So, I think it’s OK as long as you’re honest, in an age appropriate way, from a young age.

greenlands - the difference is that your granddaughter still grew up with a father in her life. Okay he may not be her biological father but she still grew up with a man in her life that she could call daddy and who I’m sure has a wonderful relationship with.

In OPs circumstances the child will never have a father.

I’m glad your son and his wife were able to have their daughter

@Rebecca36 in lots of countries e.g. UK, Denmark sperm donors receive very minimal payments which basically cover travel expenses.

Well, she may have a stepfather of OP ever gets married in the future but that’s not the same as growing up from birth and having a dad from the start to build the relationship with.

A couple using sperm to have a baby together is different to a woman using it to have a baby alone.