Is sperm donation unfair on the children?

[Allopinionswelcome1]

I'm really interested in people's opinions on this generally, as I'm 38 and considering the sperm donor route, but I'm also really keen to do the right thing and not screw up my kid!

There is a bit of research showing that children of sperm donors can be upset and confused by their origins, which used to worry me. However this research is usually on adults who were born 20-40 years ago, when it was considered shameful and was often hushed up, they sometimes 'found out' when they were teenagers (sometimes mid-argument), or if they were told early on were treated like freak among classmates. They also will never be able to find out who their donors are or whether they have any half siblings, because sperm donation used to be anonymous.

These days those things aren't so much of an issue.
a) it's not particularly unusual (there are two in my nephew's class).
b) You get to know more about donors and their extended family than I've ever known about any guy I dated (e.g. that their maternal grandmother started wearing reading glasses aged 46). You get essays and personality tests, and adult pics and child pics and art they have created, and voice recordings...
c) The child can find out about their donor at 18, and can meet half siblings earlier than that through the donor sibling registry - so there's not so much of the mystery growing up.

In terms of family, I have 3 sisters living walking distance away, who have 4 kids between them and hopefully more on the way, and we see each other at least twice a week. My mum is in the same town and is always over at our houses. So they would have a big family, 3 lovely role models in my BILs and loads and loads of love.

So I'm wondering whether there is still a view that sperm donation is unfair on the child, and if so why?

This is a genuinely open question - I'm not particularly interested in defending a particular point of view, just to hear what the different views are.

I am NC with my dad. Having a biological father doesn't guarantee a good childhood.

There are many ways for a child to have good male role models in their life. I see nothing wrong in a single person using a sperm donar.

Hey, happy news for all of you people who think it's sad for children to miss out on a father cos they were conceived through donor sperm - my (female) partner, who is my DD's biological mum, was in church today. An elderly gentleman looked at our daughter and commented approvingly 'you're a lucky man!'

So, there we go, my DD has a 'father figure,' if only through misidentification.

LRD

I personally wouldn't want to join myself with a stranger and therefore wouldn't consider it.

Sorry I've not totally read this thread but I'm not sure there's a comment by anyone conceived by donor sperm??
Yes, people who've sadly lost fathers or who've been abandoned by wankers who aren't up to the job, but it's a different thing to know you were planned, wanted and your mother moved heaven and earth to have you.

Research actually shows that children conceived via donor sperm do just as well as children in nuclear families.

The problems with single parents tend to occur when they didn't plan to be single.

Excellent post by Coldilox. Agree with everything she said. Here's my rambling twopence-worth...

I'm single parent to a very happy, secure donor-conceived 5 yr old. I did a lot of reading around the issues, just like you're doing OP, and found similar to you...potential issues (for the child) seem to be around how the conception is talked about, or not, the secrecy around it, finding out from someone else rather than parents, a big announcement on their 18th birthday, etc. etc. So the sad/angry accounts I read about tended to be from older people, born at a time when there was less acceptance and far more secrecy, and therefore implied shame, around it. Parents of donor-conceived children nowadays are often more open about it and often use donors who are open to being contacted by the child if they choose to after turning 18. And if it's talked about in an open and positive way, there's no reason for the child to feel they are any 'less' or lacking in some way purely because of how they were conceived.

In my case, we have a book about a single mum who didn't have a man in her life and so had help from a donor and a doctor to have a baby and I've been reading this since my son was about 6 months old, so he's always just known that he has a donor, not a daddy. It really is a non-issue in our house. I can only recall two times when he's asked why he doesn't have a Daddy, both when he was two years old and I guess he was beginning to realise that most of his friends had one. Not all though...and that's key...he has a friend who has two mummies, another who also has a donor, another whose daddy doesn't live with them...he knows that families are all different shapes and sizes. We have books about that too.

I was also a foster carer, so know a lot of adoptive families. I honestly don't think adoption and donor conception are at all comparable. Neither do I think that being abandoned by a feckless father and donor conception are comparable. Single mothers by choice make a conscious decision to parent alone, and this is a positive decision...so choosing to have a child with a man you love who then leaves you is also not comparable to having a donor conceived child on your own. The issues/feelings/challenges any of these situations can raise are completely different to any issues that might arise for a donor conceived child.

In answer to your worry re screwing your potential donor-conceived kid up, well, there are a million and one ways to do that...I can honestly say that using a sperm donor is way down my list of 'how have I screwed my kid up'. About 872 places below the amount of ipad he's watched and ice-cream he's eaten today, for example...

It's really good to hear some really honest opinions, and I especially appreciate the people who have taken the time to disagree sensitively and really explain their position.

I understand that people are offended by others saying it's wrong but, to be fair, I invited that and want to hear it. As much as I really really want kids and not having them would be heartbreaking for me - I just can't pretend it's 100% unproblematic for them.

The uncomfortable truth is that they will have feelings about their origins and they probably won't always be positive, and knowing as much as possible will help me mitigate it, if I do go down that route.

Op , you've no way of predicting the future, same as anyone else . If you want any a child and this is the best option available to you and you can support the child go for it.
No one would be starting a family if they tore apart what may or may not happen in the future.

Best of luck to you.

I didn't think I would be castigated for stating my opinion.

However, to keep it short, yes I do think sperm donation is unfair on any children conceived.

I've just asked my children (9 and 11)what they feel and they say that they don't care. And although they've always known that they can contact their donor, they have no interest at the moment. Obviously that may change as they get older.

But, @rebecca36, you stated an opinion based on a pretty fundamental lack of knowledge, and you made that lack of knowledge central to what you said. Donors in the UK aren't paid - and that's true in many places. It's fair to criticise you when you weigh in on a subject you've clearly no understanding of.

More unfair than not being born?

Of course not.

So if it is right for you OP, carry on.

I think it would add a layer of emotion that your child will have to work through and may leave unanswered questions for them so in that sense perhaps isn't ideal, but I don't think it's enough to outweigh having the child. Plenty of children deal with difficult emotions often caused by their parents, that doesn't mean they wish their parents had never had them.

I think you're right to give it proper consideration but I wouldn't let it put you off

The only reason a man donates sperm is to make money.

You're talking bollocks darling.

MalachiOrchi, BigPinkOrchid, and Coldilox - thank you :)

Rebecca, you are entitled to your opinion, however I have to admit it holds less weight than others, partly because of the other things you said in your post - firstly that it's ok to have a child with a man you know then break up (which in my opinion is far more morally dubious than sperm donation) and secondly because you believe donors do it for the money when in this country they don't get paid at all (just expenses) and to get approved they have to jump through hundreds of hoops, undergo loads of blood tests, answer thousands of questions, have their 'sample' in quarantine for months before they are even considered, then abstain for 3 days before each donation. What kind of a man is that? A very patient and altruistic one it seems to me!

OP I'm told the workshops that the DCN run can be very helpful in exploring lots of these questions, which it's great that you're considering. Whatever you choose, I wish you all the luck in the world

My DD and DS were conceived with donor sperm. They have two parents, myself and my female partner, but children raised by single parents aren't automatically disadvantaged as far as I'm concerned. You can't miss a relationship you haven't had, and there could be close aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends in the picture.

OP, please don't let it put you off, if you feel you can give your child a loving environment in which to grow up.

And our donor was not paid apart from travel expenses, and the DC can trace him if they wish at 18.

Cheers @Allopinionswelcome1, I haven't seen that and I don't think DH has either so we'll check it out

Me and my wife used a donor, we have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. Our children know they had a donor, at 18 if they wish they can find out who that donor was, and I expect they will want to know.
No family is perfect, no family is ‘normal’ because ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist.
Do what is best for you, and your circumstances. Not sure AIBUnisnthe best place to gather opinions for this!

I understand that people are offended by others saying it's wrong but, to be fair, I invited that and want to hear it. As much as I really really want kids and not having them would be heartbreaking for me - I just can't pretend it's 100% unproblematic for them

Yes you did invite comment but some of the responses are offensive and ignorant to those who have personal experience and have amazingly happy stable children. I feel your playing devils advocate a little and maybe your actually more against it than you think.

When you donate sperm or eggs it’s for the benefit of other people so I don’t think this is a good idea for you as your already way too involved.

Yes Rebbeca we already know your ignorant views. Luckily not every one thinks like you!

Bigpink what a great post and I take my hat off to you. My cousin has similar books and her little chap is a star

Donors don’t get paid in this country - they get reasonable expenses, we know ours would have received a maximum of £. £50 per donation ( once it cleared tests) had and commites to 6 months some very intrusive testing etc. It’s not something done for the money in the U.K.

Allopinion huge apologies! I misread your first post as if you were wanting to donate sperm

Gah! Apologies once again but I still stand by what I say

I have a child born as a result of donation. I spent years before deciding if I should go ahead with it or not. Like you OP I was primarily worried about the impact it might have on my child.
I have always been completely upfront with him. He is now 8.
I can see that having a father figure around would be good for my son and me as well. It can be tough being a single mother. My son loves it when there are other dads around. But it is more than that. He says to me from time to time 'I wish I had a dad' and I discuss this with him. We have a wonderful close and loving relationship. My son can be a handful but he is exceedingly affectionate and quite mature in the way he expresses his feelings. If I had the choice again would I use a sperm donor .......yes. I think if you are aware as I was, and am, that it may not be the ideal it is a good thing. It is a big decision. I saw a counsellor for sometime before, during and after my son's birth and that was really worthwhile. I hope that my input is of some help.

My DD has two parents but only one of us is related to her genetically. Otherwise she wouldn't exist.
I went to a talk by a psychologist at the clinic before she was conceived and she quoted studies that it's lying followed by a big reveal years later that does damage. If you tell the children the truth from the start —. your mother(s) didn't have the right cells to make a baby so a kind stranger gave us some, and we used them to make you — the outcomes are much better.