Is sperm donation unfair on the children?

[Allopinionswelcome1]

I'm really interested in people's opinions on this generally, as I'm 38 and considering the sperm donor route, but I'm also really keen to do the right thing and not screw up my kid!

There is a bit of research showing that children of sperm donors can be upset and confused by their origins, which used to worry me. However this research is usually on adults who were born 20-40 years ago, when it was considered shameful and was often hushed up, they sometimes 'found out' when they were teenagers (sometimes mid-argument), or if they were told early on were treated like freak among classmates. They also will never be able to find out who their donors are or whether they have any half siblings, because sperm donation used to be anonymous.

These days those things aren't so much of an issue.
a) it's not particularly unusual (there are two in my nephew's class).
b) You get to know more about donors and their extended family than I've ever known about any guy I dated (e.g. that their maternal grandmother started wearing reading glasses aged 46). You get essays and personality tests, and adult pics and child pics and art they have created, and voice recordings...
c) The child can find out about their donor at 18, and can meet half siblings earlier than that through the donor sibling registry - so there's not so much of the mystery growing up.

In terms of family, I have 3 sisters living walking distance away, who have 4 kids between them and hopefully more on the way, and we see each other at least twice a week. My mum is in the same town and is always over at our houses. So they would have a big family, 3 lovely role models in my BILs and loads and loads of love.

So I'm wondering whether there is still a view that sperm donation is unfair on the child, and if so why?

This is a genuinely open question - I'm not particularly interested in defending a particular point of view, just to hear what the different views are.

Kids can be raised perfectly happily without their biological father or any male father figure. They just need one functioning parent to love and care for them. My DH died when our two kids were babies, so neither of them has any memory of him at all.
They both say they didn’t feel anything was lacking in their childhoods, and are rather apologetic about not “missing” their dad, especially if I’m having a bad day with grieving his loss.

Babdoc

Standbyyour thank you.

@Standbyyourmammaryglands
I feel your playing devils advocate a little and maybe your actually more against it than you think.
I guess I wanted to make it clear that I'm genuinely interested in hearing the pros and cons, and not just seeking validation for a decision I've already made.
The few friends I have mentioned it too (only a couple) are very much of the 'don't worry, it's all fine' school of thought, whereas I feel more comfortable once I've over-thought everything to death. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who does this :)

But it is really good to hear people's positive stories too.

@whattheheck5 (and others of the overthinking ilk), if you have any suggestions for reading material or there were any sites/books/resources that helped, they would be gratefully received.

Allopinions, off the top of my head, I remember reading the following books:
Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates
Choosing Single Motherhood
Knock Yourself Up

All American, so not always 100% relevant to the UK in terms of the process. I remember enjoying Knock Yourself Up, it's quite entertaining. The Mommies, Daddies one was a bit dry I think but much more in depth questioning than Knock Yourself Up. Can't remember what I thought of Choosing Single Motherhood...sorry, read them over 6 years ago, I guess. But anyway, regardless of what I thought about them, I think any reading around the subject will be beneficial for clarifying your own thoughts around using donor sperm.

Can't say I have have read anything in particular that was helpful to me in making my decision but I didn't particular search. There suggestions up thread. What I have found helpful was/is attending Donor Conception Network conferences. There are speakers there including donor conceived teenagers and adults, geneticists, parents and siblings of donor conceived children. You do not have to have a donor conceived child or be a parent etc to attend. But I would book early if you were thinking of going. There are also workshops for people in your position who are trying to decide.
www.dcnetwork.org/
Please get back to me if you have anymore questions?

I did this at age 38 and it was the best decision I ever made.

I am in contact with my donor and he is awesome. I'm in a facebook group with all the other families and it works really well. All of the kids are thriving as far as I can tell and we all regularly chat about all sorts of things.

My daughter is extremely well adjusted and doesn't wish for a Dad when asked about it. She knows that families come in all shapes and sizes and because everyone around her treats the situation as completely normal... she doesn't blink an eye at it. It has never been a secret and I have never felt like anyone has judged me nor have I ever come across anyone who thinks I did the wrong thing.

Funnily enough... the thing I hear most often is "I wish I had have done something like that".

I do believe it's all in the attitude. You need to treat it as a very normal thing... which it seems to be these days!

Hello Allopinionswelcome1, jumping in as I've just started a very similar thread and been alerted to yours!

My questions are largely very similar though I also wondered, having read negative testimonies from donor children, if anyone has any experience of coparenting or if this is something you have also looked at? There seem to be quite a lot of websites now where you can find another single person with whom to have a child, but obviously that brings its own set of issues.

Any thoughts/ experiences out there?

What I do find interesting (and crazy) is how the donor route is still seen as more taboo than making a reckless/irresponsible relationship choice or having a one-night stand

So true. I still have friends suggesting I should just have a one night stand, lie about my contraception and run!

I am in this situation partly due to having left my brief and disastrous marriage because my husband hit me, and was emotionally abusive. As my mum said when I was grappling with the decision, I could have stayed with him and had a child who could watch as we destroyed each other then split, likely triggering an international custody battle as he was from the US.

That would have given me the child I wanted, but in a relationship that would have damaged all of us, child included.

I feel like that is not a better choice than having a child by a donor, yet some people seem to be suggesting that it would be!?

His adoptive parents are lovely but they don't have that much in common with him. He has lots in common with his birth mum (both in terms of personality and they are the spitting image of each other) but she didn't raise him so they don't have that history together. His birth mum went on to have other children and, again, whilst they get on well with DH they don't have those bonds of growing up together, shared memories etc.

As an adoptive mother this just completely shattered my heart. I hope my daughter doesn’t feel the same way about us when she grows up.

I have a 7 year old from a sperm donor. My son has always known his history and he is not suffering emotionally and socially. Go for it. I would strongly advice you to look at the DCN network website which gives lots of information as well as testimony from parents and children. It also has local support group for women looking to go this routes which are very useful.

I am the product of a sperm donation. Brought up by a mum and dad, with several siblings from the same background. We didn't find out til we were in our late 20s, by accident really. We're all fine and happy, don't think any of us have any worries about it beyond mild curiousity. Don't listen to the people saying it's a concern that your child wouldn't know about half their DNA, or that it's 'weird' (helpful response...) - it has worked out well for my family with no issues and I would consider doing the same if my situation warranted it. Good luck :)

Just read through the thread and as far as I can see, I'm the only adult here who has actually experienced it. Obviously a different perspective to parents of children conceived in this way, of whom there seem to be several. Happy to answer any questions anyone may have (although pretty unimpressed with the people saying they would feel weird that their parents had never met, or that their mother may not have liked their father... who cares? I'd rather exist than not, and whether my Mum might have fancied my sperm donor has literally never occurred to me as something to worry about!)

Hello Hotpinkparade, very interested to hear more about your experience. And reassuring that you don't feel weird about your parents never being in a relationship - I can understand why a few people have posted that they wouldn't want to 'join' themselves to a man they didn't know but frankly that's what a lot of people who conceive on a one night stand or in a brief relationship do in effect.

Do you know your sperm donor/their identity? Have you had issues related to your sense of identity? Do you feel close to and part of the rest of your mother's family? (I have read some testimonies from donor kids that have said they don't, which must be heartbreaking for them. My family is extremely close and my brother would certainly assume a paternal type role, which I'm hoping would mitigate that issue).

Thank you very much in advance!

Sorry Hotpinkparade, just saw your second post and not the first, I have seen more about your family situation now. I presume from what you say that you do feel close to your family? Are your siblings from the same sperm donor?

Thanks again.

As an adoptive mother this just completely shattered my heart. I hope my daughter doesn’t feel the same way about us when she grows up.

I'm sorry Shartilina. He is very grateful for what his parents (for clarity - I mean his adoptive parents here) have done for him as am I. I think it could be a fair amount to do with his parents' personalities though; they are lovely people but not necessarily the most demonstrative in terms of affection and he always felt like he was a disappointment to his father in particular for various reasons. He thinks his father wanted a more typical boy who he could take on fishing trips and other 'manly pursuits' etc. but DH is a sweet, sensitive soul and was a very sulky, introverted and shy child who did not want to do those types of things. He did not grow up to be a high earner or have a prestigious job either and I think his father is very focussed on status. His father has never said he was proud of DH and when DH told him he was dating me (a lawyer) he said he should be more realistic! So if DH had happened to be adopted by people who were more similar personality-wise things might have been easier I guess...

He still definitely thinks of his adoptive parents as his parents though and knows that the adoption was the right thing in his situation. I think now that I'm pregnant which happened very quickly it has hit home just how little effort can take to become a biological father if there are no fertility issues and he also knows his birth father fucked off when he found out about that his birth mum was pregnant, so that has made him appreciate what his parents did even more. I think he just feels that there is something missing between him and his parents and rightly or wrongly puts it down to the lack of genetic similarities and so doesn't think he can ever overcome it to form a more complete bond with them which is what he really longs for. He feels that the bit of the bond that is missing with his parents is there when he sees his bio parents, but he can never have a complete bond with them either because he didn't know them until he was a grown up.

Anyway, sorry for the massive derail as the above doesn't really relate to sperm donation. I think my initial point was that having children where they will not grow up with both of their biological parents can cause complications which I hadn't appreciated until I met DH. I feel like it's one thing if you end up with a child in this situation accidentally (maybe 'accidentally' is the wrong word, but I am thinking of single mothers who end up pregnant and the father leaves, situations where one parent dies or situations where the child has been put up in adoption and would be in care otherwise) because then you have to make most of a bad situation, but I would not now choose to use sperm donation (or egg donation come to think of it) to voluntary bring a child with those additional emotional complications into the world.

Hi expatia :) I feel very much part of my extended family on both sides, yes. My aunts/uncles/grandparents knew our background all along (long before we did) and never made us feel any different. Our family contains a few second marriages / half siblings / step siblings / adoptions anyway, which probably helps as no one is fixated on blood ties being particularly important.

Slightly unclear on whether my siblings are from the same donor or not. My parents seemed to think yes but weren’t certain, and I haven’t pushed for details because it’s not important enough to me. We have grown up together and are so interconnected that it really makes no difference now.

In terms of identity, finding this out has only enhanced my feeling of being part of a strong, loving, interesting family. I love the fact that we all adore each other despite not a lot of blood being shared. It feels more meaningful somehow than just being stuck with DNA relatives who you may or may not get on with.

I’m listening to the iPM programme recommended above right now and it’s clarified a feeling I had before - that people who feel deeply unsettled by this kind of revelation and have a deep need to find their sperm donor are perhaps people who were unhappy in their family or felt detached from their parents already. The news of their parentage gave them somewhere to put that feeling. My siblings and I were lucky enough to grow up feeling very secure and loved (obviously with our fair share of rows etc, but nothing major) and so when we found it, it didn’t really shake us or change things. So we were lucky I think that our parents made our family feel so certain and secure that none of us want to consider ourselves to be anyone else’s children. One of my parents is adopted, and they feel much the same as far as I can tell.

Thank you Hotpinkparade, I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and experience. From what you say it does very much seem dependent on the individual family/relationships and how it's handled. You sound like you have a wonderful family and your answers are very reassuring. Thanks again!

a sperm donor is just that: somebody who did donate sperm. He is not a parent! As for DNA I do not know who my real father is, it doesn't stop me thinking that my step father is my father or him loving his grand-son as if they shared DNA. Family is much more than blood.

I tend to think it's unfair on the sperm donor if the resulting children contact him and expect some involvement in their lives.

Hi Expatia! Sorry, only just seen this!

I have considered co-parenting but I worry about how that would all pan out - what if the kid wants more/less from the relationship than the co-parent wanted to give? What if they moved away or were just disinterested? Or on the other end of the spectrum fought for shared custody? I decided that there wasn't anyone I felt I knew well enough to take that risk, and also that having no dad is hugely preferable to being rejected.

I have considered asking my gay friend to be a donor, i.e. he would provide the sperm and be known to the kid but not play any kind of dad role - a godparent relationship maybe. Tbh I'm still considering it but I've 90% made up my mind to go down the donor route.

Sorry to hear about your situation and glad you found the courage to leave. It must have been a hard thing to do.