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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting date to my house while dc are in bed

87 replies

TreesAr3Green · 01/09/2018 15:55

Totally prepared to be told aibu here.

Been seeing a guy for 5 weeks, have no intention of introducing him to my dc any time soon. We were meant to be going out tonight however my childcare has fallen through. Would I be totally unreasonable to suggest he came to my house to watch a film or something one dc are in bed?

OP posts:
standbyyourmammaryglands · 01/09/2018 19:04

Dropping a kid at a play date is much riskier than having someone you’ve been seeing for more than a month over while you are there

I think you’ve missed the point. Although I completely disagree, This isn’t whether he could be a paedophile ( although you never know! They don’t come with signage!)

It’s more to do with op safety. In some circumstances an invitation in to the house signals, to some not all, that a shag is on the cards. I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to threaten to call the police if they didn’t leave after getting too pushy.

I really wouldn’t want to do that with my kids in the house. Op could be putting herself and her kids in a vulnerable situation.

Eatmycheese · 01/09/2018 19:06

No. Definitely not at this stage.

PorkFlute · 01/09/2018 19:15

I’m not missing the point I just disagree. The op may want to be mindful of her own safety ie let someone she trusts know what her plans are. But there is much more potential for your child to be put in situations you’d rather they weren’t when you leave them at someone’s house who you don’t know well.

standbyyourmammaryglands · 01/09/2018 19:36

It really isn’t an either or situation.

This specific thread is about inviting a date in while kids are there. It does t really matter now as op has decided not to.

standbyyourmammaryglands · 01/09/2018 19:38

The op may want to be mindful of her own safety ie let someone she trusts know what her plans are

Have you ever been in a situation where a man wouldn’t get out of your house? It’s actually really horrible and it doesn’t matter if some one knows he is there as what can they actually do about it at that moment in time.

BlueJava · 01/09/2018 19:42

I'd defo invite him in. But me and OH met, slept together and then stayed a couple (now 20 years +) on the first night we met :)

PorkFlute · 01/09/2018 20:09

Well what can anyone do if you are trapped in their house? Or their car? Nothing in life is risk free.
But it’s not like she’s taking someone in off the street. She’s known him over a month.

standbyyourmammaryglands · 01/09/2018 20:51

Probably try and minimise the risk by not having a bloke she has only known five weeks in her house while her kids are there.

Which she isn’t. Good on her.

PorkFlute · 01/09/2018 21:04

Even better just don’t even see anyone at all to be on the safe side. But send you kid to be unsupervised by you with complete strangers on a play date. That’s completely safe.

standbyyourmammaryglands · 01/09/2018 21:11

I’ve nevet done that pork Confused

standbyyourmammaryglands · 01/09/2018 21:11

Never**

PorkFlute · 01/09/2018 21:13

So do you vet everyone who enters your kids friends houses or just not let them go?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 01/09/2018 21:20

@bridetobe2017

Oops. I didn't get the memo 😬 I introduced my boyfriend (now fiancé) to my child, on our first date 😬
*
*
HmmHmmHmm

RedAndGreenSeen · 01/09/2018 21:20

Hi OP. I'd advise against it. Its really confusing - and even disturbing - for the child to find his mother with another man a stranger in his house, even if its "watching TV" (kids aren't stupid - they get the vibe immediatley). Also, even if they didn't "bump" into him I agree with other posters about protecting your family and family space in relation to a new man you don't really know. Wait until its really serious IMO - kids don't like new men coming in and out of their lives. They really don't.

Please try and find another way to begin your relationships. I know its hard as a single parent but if he likes you he'll just have to accept that.

standbyyourmammaryglands · 01/09/2018 21:22

That’s not the situation the op was asking about though Is it? Confused

We’re Not talking about a play date

This is about a woman inviting a bloke over that she hardly knows while her kids were there.

She was unsure about it as it obviously didn’t sit right. She decided against it. Good for her.

Really isn’t about a play date ...

Notmorewashing · 01/09/2018 21:24

No way they need to be protected in their home

PorkFlute · 01/09/2018 21:27

I know it’s not about a play date I’m just saying it’s weird that it seems to be common for people on here to leave their kids at friends houses with people they barely know/visitors they don’t know at all yet watching tv with a man the op has been seeing for over a month while she is present is a no no for some reason.

IfNotNowThenWhen1 · 01/09/2018 21:33

Not if you have only known him 5 weeks. He doesn't need to come to your house, where your kids live. Also this : It breeds familiarity too quick. Dates go out the window in favour of a bottle of wine sat in yours with the kids in bed.
No rush, keep your home just for you and kids for now.
Down the line, once you are more sure of him, fine.
Aside from the basic safeguarding aspect, don't let a man gets his feet under the table too quick. Make sure he will make the effort, take you out etc. Things can get domestic mighty quickly ime, and you may regret that.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2018 21:49

Can you genuinely not see the difference pork of a child going to a friends house, to this?

LatteLover12 · 01/09/2018 22:09

I did this. As a single mum with little/no support I had no other options.

I probably didn’t do it as soon as 5 weeks but it can’t have been much longer. I waited almost a year before introducing DP to the children but we saw each other regularly without them.

It worked well & we've been together for almost 4 years now.

You’ve just got to trust your instincts. There were one or two men I went on dates with who I wouldn’t have given my postcode never mind invited them round! 😂

PorkFlute · 02/09/2018 00:40

Of course it’s different. I think it’s infinitely safer to have a bf over for a film than leave your child alone with practical strangers.

PorkFlute · 02/09/2018 00:47

For eg my ds has a September birthday and when he started school we invited the boys in his class to a party. All but one parent dropped and ran and most had never met me and the only exchange we had had was them rsvping to the invitation by text. My mum and dad were also round to help out with the party that no parent had met. How is that acceptably safe (and it is the norm) but inviting your bf round to watch a film while you are there isn’t?

plumcat · 02/09/2018 01:14

Go with your guy.. if you feel it's too early and you aren't going to be comfortable, just be honest. There's always next time :)

standbyyourmammaryglands · 02/09/2018 08:16

pork honestly I think your purposely missing the point - possibly to ease your own conscious? If having blokes over while your dc is in bed works for you fine. But for others they don’t want to.

It’s nothing to do with a play date. Why your obsessed with the comparison I don’t know- it’s weird.

It’s nothing to do with the kids safety, no one is accusing him of being a peadophile. It’s the OP safety people are considering. .

There was a lady on here maybe a year ago that had been raped in her own home after inviting a man in.

I’ve had issues of ejecting men out of my home when they got to heavy. Like actually refusing to leave and then getting nasty to the point I had to threaten to call the police. These were not first time dates. I guess they didn’t want to just watch a film..

I wouldn’t ever want to be in that position with my kids in the house to make matters worse.

Like I said if your happy to have men in your house while your dc are there, great, good for you. Others don’t.

standbyyourmammaryglands · 02/09/2018 08:18

Wasn’t the OP boyfriend though was it? Confused

Your just making stuff up now..

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