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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU TTC when I don’t enjoy babysitting

65 replies

India1819 · 01/09/2018 10:09

I am currently babysitting my two nephews, overnight last night, today and tonight.

I would never admit this in RL, but I don’t enjoy it. Like at all. I have zero interest in playing with them and find the whole time a chore, counting down until they go home and I can do something enjoyable.

They run round screaming, touching and banging into my stuff. One also has communication issues (suspected autism) so is more challenging. The other is just a typical bouncy boy.

I’m sure my lack of patience and interest makes me a terrible person. I have friends who love spending time with their nieces and nephews and I don’t understand why I don’t. I care for them as in I wouldn’t want them to be hurt but I don’t even know if I love them, which I know is dispicible. I never think to go see them. It’s only if my SIL/BIL initiate. (DH Bro and wife)

My DH and I are currently TTC and basically my feelings worry me. I want a baby but what if I don’t love it? And it’ll be a toddler then a child one day...what if I still have no interest in playing. What is wrong with me? Am I not meant to be a mum?

OP posts:

Paie · 01/09/2018 10:11

I really struggle to like other people's children, never liked babysitting unless they were in bed still don't but have 2 gorgeous DC of my own now and it's completely different

HPLikecraft · 01/09/2018 10:13

I don't like looking after other people's children.
My own are fab, though!

DieAntword · 01/09/2018 10:13

Some days I totally count the hours til bedtime, but if you never enjoy them can you imagine coping with it for 10 years or so?

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 10:16

Its different when it's your own, honestly!

I have 2 small kids and nieces and nephews the same age. I love them all but I don't enjoy looking after them. Other people's kids always seem like much harder work than your own

minisoksmakehardwork · 01/09/2018 10:17

I'm happy to look after other people's children and adore my own for the most part. I have friends who don't want their own children but are happy to be auntie/uncle etc.

Having your own children is completely different to looking after someone else's.

But bear in mind, lots of people think they can parent better than everyone else when they haven't got their own children.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 01/09/2018 10:19

I never enjoyed looking after children - not even the ones I was particularly fond of - but I was still desperate to be a mum and, as others have said, it is so different when the child is your own.

KitandPup · 01/09/2018 10:20

I secretly can't stand other people's children

As hard as it can be at times, having DD is the best thing I have ever done and has honestly, without wanting to sound like a walking cliche, made be a better person.

Honeslty, don't sweat it. It's very common to feel like this but no one talks about it. Same with the instant rush of love when they are born that everyone talks about. Didn't happen to me. I was so worried and didn't admit it to anyone. But learned on here that that is common too x

KitandPup · 01/09/2018 10:21

So what I mean is you will still live yours unconditionally (but maybe not as soon as they are born).

Trills · 01/09/2018 10:23

It's a good idea to think about why you think you want a child.

Not to just assume that it will all magically work itself out.

Not everyone who has children thinks that they made the right choice.

Havaina · 01/09/2018 10:25

Meh, I don't love my husband's nephews and nieces. Definitely don't base your decision on them!

I love my nieces and nephews though. Do you have any of your own? Blood is often thicker than water.

Santaclarita · 01/09/2018 10:25

I don't have kids, but it will be different with your own.

AppleKatie · 01/09/2018 10:28

I used to love other people’s kids.

Then I had mine.

Now I love mine and have to plaster on a fake smile for other people’s. That probably makes me a terrible person but it’s true.

(I’ve never told anyone that in RL!)

MsHopey · 01/09/2018 10:30

I hate every body else's kids.
You can't tell them off properly, you haven't raised them so they have different actions and expectations than you.
I love my DS more than anything else in the world. I waited 7 years with DH before trying because I was worried i wasn't maternal, or loving enough.
They're both the best thing that ever happened to me and i should have done it sooner.
Pregnant with DC2 now. It's amazing.

peachgreen · 01/09/2018 10:30

It is different, but looking after your own is still relentless and exhausting. But so worth it.

LeeRoar · 01/09/2018 10:32

Before I had my DS I was not a baby person, and truthfully I'm still not a baby person. I love every little bit of him which makes me WANT to make the effort to do the silly voices, baby groups, sing songs etc. So as strange as it is it's true when people say "It'll be different when it's your own,"

kaytee87 · 01/09/2018 10:33

Have you really looked at the reasons you want a baby?

BlueBug45 · 01/09/2018 10:38

I have friends who love spending time with their nieces and nephews and I don’t understand why I don’t

Could it be because your nephews are simply difficult to deal with?

Some kids are much easier to deal with than others regardless of their age, while others are easier at some ages.

All kids like all adults have different individual personalities.

BillywigSting · 01/09/2018 10:44

I generally can't stand other people's children. So much so that I didn't want children at all.

There are one or two exceptions and they tend to be exceptionally well behaved, tiny babies or very intelligent and can hold a reasonably interesting conversation.

My own dc though is the light of my life, was a result of a contraception fail and dp wanting kids, with promises to be 100% supportive either way (which he has lived up to in every way)

It's totally different with your own child.

It's still boring and relentless sometimes but you love them so much it sort of doesn't matter as much. And things that are utterly dry with regards to other kids are completely fascinating with your own.

I find as well that I'm quite strict with my very bouncy boy, and despite being a total helion he knows he's not allowed to literally bounce off the walls, touch certain things or generally be destructive. You don't have that sort of control over other people's children, which might be a somewhat controversial thing to say, but I think it makes a difference.

When he's a bit too energetic we either go to the park/soft play or he gets turfed into the garden. I have never before been so grateful for a decent sized garden as I am after having him.

Lucyccfc · 01/09/2018 10:46

I didn't like other people's children before I had my own and I still don't like other people's children.

I love my DS and he is my world

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 01/09/2018 10:56

Don't stress

There's no rule you have to like other people's children even if they are related it's totally different from your own

There are still days that are boring and you secretly debate (not seriously) putting the kids on eBay but it's worth it I promise

My argument is that I am a 39 yr old woman ...if I genuinely enjoyed perpetual hours of watching kids play in a park , pretending to be a dinosaur in the garden , or discussing the intricacies of whether a whale shark or a lion would win in a fight (lion obviously) it would be really odd

So it's normal to get a bit bored on some days

Don't worry honestly

TwoShades1 · 01/09/2018 10:57

This is my main worry too! I do enjoy my step children but they don’t live with us full time and I’ve found it’s gotten much easier as they have gotten older. At 7 and 9 you can have a proper conversation and they ask proper questions and can entertain themselves quite well when necessary. I did have doubts in the early days (met DP when his youngest was 2.5) and it was quite hard going at times as they needed a lot of looking after (showering, taking to the toilet, getting them dressed, helping with food). I’m absolutely praying that it’s true and it’s different when it’s your own.

JynxaSmoochum · 01/09/2018 11:00

It's much nicer telling off your own children

Seriously, your own children are different. You know them intimately from birth. It doesn't stop them being irritating, but you understand their motivations better (maybe not always) You get to work on where your boundaries are (not fool proof ) There is the joy of all the best bits too. Other children, you don't see the whole of them. Some you see the best of... some you don't... Some are just more likable young human beings than others.

I'm playful with mine, but in a light spontaneous way. I don't like playing WITH them as they want me to do it like this, and I'm doing it like that and it usually goes horribly wrong. I'm an adult, I'm not supposed to find great joy in playing teddy's tea party. My brain has changed since my days of living the fantasy for myself. Mine are getting big enough for board games and following rules and that's better. They still get what they need from me.

You're not terrible. Sometimes the allure of having children is pretty inexplicable. Plenty of people quickly find their rose-tinted glasses knocked off!

highheelsandbobblehats · 01/09/2018 11:29

Gettingbackonmyfeet. There are too many variables there. Is the fight in water or on land? Because that will impact the ability of one of them. The whale shark could just open its mouth. Bye bye Lion. But the lion could do a surprise attack from behind. Oh this does need detail.

OP. I was a nanny and nursery nurse pre children so I liked it (most of the time). But some children you just don't gel with. I nannied one little boy that I couldn't stand. Mostly because of his complete lack of respect for authority (and enabling parents, I didn't stay long).

With your own, you build that bond from when they are tiny. They adore you in return and you want to be with them (mostly). It is different.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 01/09/2018 11:32

Some kids are really annoying. I love mine but I find some others quite troublesome.

Also, everyone has ages they prefer. I find 1-2 really awkward because they're mobile but not really old enough to not run into walls or understand anything

highheelsandbobblehats · 01/09/2018 11:33

Also. Despite being in childcare previously, I've never enjoyed playing WITH children insofar as imaginative games. I find it dull and repetitive. I'd much rather climb trees and climbing frames with them, build things from Lego, bricks and train tracks or play board games with them. I loved playing dolls etc when I was a kid, but only ever on my own. With children, I prefer things to have a purpose. Just the way I'm wired. It's okay to not like doing those things. With your nephews, can you find some common ground that you all enjoy? When my son's and I play Lego, they like to be imaginative together and play with the cars and figures. I'll happily sit with them and be involved in their chat, but I'm busy building a truck or a jail or something.

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