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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 02/09/2018 16:07

In our society the law is framed in such a way that human life is regarded as superior to animal life. People on the thread have been arguing that they think animal life is equal to human life and to say that to some grieving their dead mother is reasonable.

My point is that in our society it is not reasonable to say that as society is framed in such a way that human life is significantly more important than the life of an animal. Therefore to compare your grief over a goldfish with the grief someone feels at the loss of a parent is 'outside the norms' or bounds of our society.

You are entitled to your opinion but to express your grief at a dead pet to someone who has lost a parent is, in our society, insensitive and just plain wrong.

Artichoke18 · 02/09/2018 16:10

You realise it was started by a person who found her mum dead?
I think this bears repeating. Have a look at yourself, some of you.

SunnyInGrimsby · 02/09/2018 19:24

@GunpowderGelatine
OP invited members of this forum to comment on whether she had been unreasonable in response to a colleague who compared the death of her cat to the death of OP’s mother.

The fact that she asked this question shows that she feels she may have over reacted in her response.

Many posters have explained that they have indeed grieved more for a pet than a parent. It is not our place to judge the depth of someone’s grief as `wrong’ or peculiar, as some posters have done.

OP came to this forum with a genuine query which has been energetically debated. My feeling was that to harshly dismiss a colleague’s grief for their pet was possibly a little unkind – but it is hard to get a full picture as we don’t know this unfortunate colleague’s tone or her back story. As there had been no run-ins between them before it is likely this person was grief stricken herself and clumsily trying to engage and seek or give sympathy.

I grieved more for the death of my dog than my late mother to whom I wasn’t particularly close but would actually never have compared the death of my dog to the death of a family member openly to anyone as I know this might not go down well.

If the OP’s colleague had been a close family member or friend I can understand it might be more upsetting but as there was no malice involved and this person was a near stranger I can’t understand why long term offence was caused. But if OP was offended, she was and you can’t deny what you feel.

I respect that your opinion differs from mine but I am bewildered why you need to report my post and to use abusive language while doing so. I also note that Mumsnet has not acceded to your request and that my earlier comment still stands.

My condolences to OP and to all of us who have lost loved ones – whether human or animal.

CountFosco · 02/09/2018 19:35

Your colleague was being stupid and ignorant. She can get a new pet and will no doubt grieve for that in a few years as well. It is not the same as losing a parent that cannot be replaced. Even if you don't have a close relationship with your parents their death will take far more processing than that of a pet and your grief, whether for them or the relationship you wish you had, will last for far longer.

I can't believe people can't distinguish between the complexity of a human relationship and the simplicity of the onesided love of a pet.

ferrier · 02/09/2018 19:42

I would never have said it.
But the truth is I know I am going to grieve more when my pet dies than when my mum dies. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. I've lived with my pet for 10 years now. I see my mum probably once every 4 months or so.
As a pp said, you can't measure grief. It's not a competition. Someone grieving a pet's death may well be in just as bad a place as someone grieving a relative's death.

SurfingOwl · 02/09/2018 19:45

Grief is not a competition and I say that as someone who has lost pets and relatives, as well as my own daughter.

ferrier · 02/09/2018 19:48

Human life just is superior. We EAT animals this shows how little we value their lives.

All human life? I can think of plenty of humans who are inferior to my pet. And I can assure you there is no way I'll be eating him.

SpottingTheZebras · 02/09/2018 19:52

Human life just is superior. We EAT animals this shows how little we value their lives.

And some humans eat each other! Confused

Given a chance, a large number of animals will eat us and not think twice about it. Eating is part of survival; it has nothing to do with being superior. Would you like to be unarmed and encounter a hungry polar bear in its own environment? Would you still believe you are superior? The likelihood is the bear would already be eating you before you had a chance to think.

GunpowderGelatine · 02/09/2018 19:53

There may not be a defined hierarchy of grief, but I'm pretty sure that 99% of the time, to humans, the death of another human is worse than that of an animal.

Moussemoose · 02/09/2018 20:01

Yes all human life. That is what human rights are all about. The death of Hitler or Stalin is more significant than the death of a dog. Every time.

Humanity and human life needs to be regarded as special. As soon as you start linking it to goldfish you may as well abandon any idea of a moral hierarchy.

Animal life does not and should not equate to human life.

Sunflowersforever · 02/09/2018 20:04

There is a growing argument that keeping pets is a cruel and unnecessary human indulgence. It's having a toy that moves.

Separation from mothers at six weeks, being neutered, tails cut and so on.

Some might grieve for the pet, maybe the pet not so much for their master.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/aug/01/should-we-stop-keeping-pets-why-more-and-more-ethicists-say-yes

NotUmbongoUnchained · 02/09/2018 20:11

Of course keeping pets is indulgent. How can anyone think otherwise. You own something for your pleasure or purpose. Bit like my ancestral slaves. Only the pets are treated better.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 02/09/2018 23:15

Wow mousemoose I’ve read some utter shit on MN but you take the Biscuit

TerfsUp · 03/09/2018 05:41

I agree, Fluffypinkpyjamas.

HopelessWanderer · 03/09/2018 05:48

It's difficult as some people do have really strong bonds with pets, so it can be traumatic. Some people see pets as an extension of themselves, or see the pet like a child. So I can see where the notion comes from.

Having lost a relative I can't say if it's comparable, as I've not had pets since a child.

HunnidBands · 03/09/2018 05:56

Here, @Moussemoose, have a Biscuit who the actual fuck made you the arbiter of which species ‘rules’. You sound like an ignorant idiot

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/09/2018 05:57

It has been my observation that child-free pet owners become incredibly attached to their pets - every child-free pet owner that I know of seems borderline obsessed with their pet - markedly more so than people with children who, sure, love their pets, but just not to the same level.

So I can well imagine that they would be devastated when their pet dies.

Anyone with any cop on at all however, wouldn't compare it to the death of a human parent or child - out loud - to someone who has just experienced that loss. Even if they genuinely think the two are equal.

HunnidBands · 03/09/2018 05:58

By the way, that ‘moral hierarchy’ you keep banging on about and the idea that humans are ‘special’ and ‘superior’? You do realise that humans made that shit up, right?

Donthugmeimscared · 03/09/2018 06:20

Yanbu I lost my dad when he was in his 40s he just collapsed in front of me and that was that. I was 19 and even now 16 years on it hurts. I found at the time very few people I worked with seemed to understand why I was upset. I even had one person say "At least you had a dad!!" I honestly had to hold back from hitting him as he just didn't get it. I think maybe that's the thing though some people haven't experienced loss of a close family member or sudden loss and just really don't get it so compare to what they do know. I'm not sure but comparing a parent to a pet is just so wrong. Sorry for your loss op.

Sunflowersforever · 03/09/2018 06:42

Wow. Ganging up on @Moussemoose much?

Humans control everything on the planet, and very few species get to live independently from that. Might not like it, but in terms of evolution then humans have absolute superiority. It's that evolutionary superiority that is allowing you to keep other animals as pets and suppress their self determination. Not very morally superior from us, really. Bit cruel.

A meteorite might change all this.

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 03/09/2018 07:39

By he way, that ‘moral hierarchy’ you keep banging on about and the idea that humans are ‘special’ and ‘superior’? You do realise that humans made that shit up, right?

Well yeah, humans made all the shit up. Architecture, engineering, philosophy, medicine, laws, politics, psychology, a million other things and oh, veterinary science...

Because we are the superior species. You can have a bond with a pet the same as with a human but it's not an equal relationship. You own them. They are a possession of yours. You can give them away, breed from them and sell their offspring, have them put to sleep if they're ill, aggressive, or can't find anyone else to look after them. They can't leave you if they want to (cats might wander I suppose but if you find them, you bring them back).

They have no control over any of that at all. And can't tell you what they think of it.

Moussemoose · 03/09/2018 08:08

@HunnidBands
who the actual fuck made you the arbiter of which species ‘rules’. You sound like an ignorant idiot

Well thank you for your clear and well thought out response. I will attempt to respond but it's difficult when you make such clear and cogent points....

I'm not talking about 'rules' I'm talking about the rule of law. The laws that govern the society you live in. The laws about which species rules are made by humans in places like Parliament.

I'm referring to human rights. Where the rights of humans are prioritised over the rights of animals. If I am an 'ignorant idiot' then I will be in the same company as the ECHR.

In human societies - like the one we live in -human life is valued at a significantly higher level than animal life. These 'rules' are what is called 'the law'.

Socially, most people value human life significantly more than animal life.

Most people would consider humanity superior although you are making a valiant case against that point.

hiddeneverything · 03/09/2018 08:10

YANBU and you are allowed to react like that. So sorry for your loss xxx

babysharksmummy · 03/09/2018 08:15

I would be so offended if someone said that to me. Don't think you overreacted at all. Only on MN would I hear anyone say otherwise. Immediate family deaths are, for the most people, the most traumatic events you can imagine. Losing a pet doesn't compare.
Bet she calls herself a 'pawrent' and gets a mother's day card from her pets...
So sorry for your loss

WeightorWhite · 03/09/2018 10:05

@HunnidBands I thing that @Moussemoose makes a fair statement with this

Most people would consider humanity superior although you are making a valiant case against that point.