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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/09/2018 12:31

There is a hierarchy. Humans are more important than animals.

MadgeMidgerson · 02/09/2018 12:42

This thread gets weirder and weirder

now we have bickering over what are the exact parameters of the grief have starchy for the benefit of autistic people

Here it is:

Goldfish: 20 minutes
Cats : 7 weeks (9 if tortoiseshell)
Dogs: 1 month for every year of life unless a member of the kennel club in which case eternal
Dead pop stars: 1 week unless they were the first famous person you fancied in which case 8 days
A parent, beloved: 2 weeks
A parent, hated: 2 days grieving and 4 weeks grudging

HTH

MadgeMidgerson · 02/09/2018 12:43

Have starchy = hierarchy

I quite forgot the deepest grief of all: running out of shampoo before conditioner in the shower - take all the time you need babe, it’s the friggin WORST

LeporidaeDomesticus · 02/09/2018 12:49

@MadgeMidgerson - HTH
Useful as that list is, you’ve forgotten rabbits, particularly if they live in the house. A quick calculation would be x2 eternal.

All life is precious. No life is intrinsically more or less precious than any other. Love is the way people measure these things. Hierarchy smierarchy.

Birdsgottafly · 02/09/2018 12:52

""Cats : 7 weeks (9 if tortoiseshell)""

I lost my little Tortoiseshell Girl in May, I've been thinking about her lately, because in September, she would start to sleep under the covers with me.

Likewise there have been a few Family events which have been a lot nicer now my Mother is no longer around, but I think about my Cat, more.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 02/09/2018 13:01

. Losing an animal while sad is not as significant a life event as losing a human relative or friend.

Well that would depend.

Goldfish is definitely less deserving that great auntie Audrey but auntie who has dementia and has been at deaths door for as long as anyone can remember sadly ranks lower than Rover the chocolate lab who we had since he was a puppy and who took over when the children left for university.

Complicated, no? Just as well people don’t follow rules made up by a random on the internet but trust their own feelings.

Lizzie48 · 02/09/2018 13:11

The list should have guinea-pigs on it as well. I was devastated at the age of 7 when my pet guinea-pig died. They're very affectionate little creatures.

MadgeMidgerson · 02/09/2018 13:14

only those animals mentioned on the list are on the list, sorry. That includes horses, unfortunately.

I don’t make the rules I just report on the parameters of the hierarchy of grief ™️

Moussemoose · 02/09/2018 13:18

Several points:

Siamese cats go higher up the list than tortoises cats.

Demented Great Aunt vs goldfish = the great aunt dying may not cause as much grief but it is a 'life event'. It changes people's role in the family as the generations shift.

Rover is a dog = who cares, less poo to avoid.

All life is precious - yes the life of the pig I just ate was very precious and I'm glad it was sacrificed for my sausage.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 02/09/2018 13:18

Don’t know about Guinea pigs, they are smelly.

Then again great auntie Audrey did smell of gin and cigarettes so I suppose it evens things out.

Moussemoose · 02/09/2018 13:18

Well it will smell if it's dead.....

MadgeMidgerson · 02/09/2018 13:19

No substitutions!

Needsleepneedsleep · 02/09/2018 13:20

This thread is getting out of hand. Some utterly vile comments on here.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 02/09/2018 13:20

As for poo, Mouse auntie did have the occasional accident, so that puts Rover back on the lead.

RoboticSealpup · 02/09/2018 13:22

YANBU. The woman is an asshole for making the ridiculous comparison between the person who basically gave your life and brought you into this world... and her bloody pet.

RoboticSealpup · 02/09/2018 13:24

Jesus, I only read the first page before posting. WTF is up with this thread? You realise it was started by a person who found her mum dead?

Lizzie48 · 02/09/2018 13:30

I hope the OP is okay, she's probably hidden it by now. I hope so really, some very unpleasant comments on here.

BrendasUmbrella · 02/09/2018 13:39

In all honesty I was more upset when my dog died than when my mother did. Maybe your colleague doesn't have a close relationship or any relationship with her mother and she invests love in her pets instead.

When my narc abusive mother died this summer, my response was "Oh, ok." Nothing in my daily life was affected. It was a relief that she was gone. When my dog died I was a wreck for two weeks. I burst into tears in public.

This "human life is superior" stuff is rubbish. Someone in the world just died while I was typing this. Shall we all stop and cry? It's all about what's personal to you.

Moussemoose · 02/09/2018 13:42

Human life just is superior. We EAT animals this shows how little we value their lives. The law in the U.K. and internationally places significantly more value on human life.

If you love your goldfish more than your mum that's up to you but it is not the norm within this society or any society so don't make out that it is a reasonable thing to say.

PeakPants · 02/09/2018 14:42

Human life just is superior. We EAT animals this shows how little we value their lives. The law in the U.K. and internationally places significantly more value on human life

That shows that we don't value their lives, but not that human life is naturally superior.
Plus some animals eat humans. Does that prove something about value too?

GreenMeerkat · 02/09/2018 14:48

YADNBU. I lost my dog a couple of years ago and it was devastating. However it wouldn't even come close to the grief I'd feel if I'd lost my mum or one of my children. Or any member of my family or a close friend.

My cousin lost her husband the same day i lost the dog, in very tragic circumstances. I wouldn't DREAM of comparing the two.

Fortunately for her, she mustn't have experienced the loss of a close family member so doesn't understand. I think she was just being careless.

Moussemoose · 02/09/2018 15:00

Exactly we as a society place little value on the lives of animals therefore the norm within society is that human life is more important.

Philosophically you may feel this is wrong but your belief is outside the bounds of this society and any other human society I can think of.

Human life is valued while the lives of animals are dismissed you might not like this, you might not agree with it but within our society this is the case. Therefore, to make a comment outside the bounds of what is considered reasonable by society is rude and upsetting.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 02/09/2018 15:36

Some animals eat humans. Animals eat other animals. It's called the food chain.

Gottagetmoving · 02/09/2018 15:54

If someone close to me died and a colleague, or anyone made such a blood stupid comment, I wouldn't be angry or offended or upset because I would think they were absolutely pathetic and not worthy of giving it another thought.
The world is full of fruit loops...they exist...don't give them the power to ruin your day or upset you.

maxthemartian · 02/09/2018 16:00

What's all this "outside the bounds of society" business?
It's someone having a different opinion to you, not eating human babies ffs.