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AIBU?

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Original poster

Colleague compares pet death to relative

568 replies

ItsNotTheSame · 01/09/2018 01:17

So long story short... my mum passed away a few months ago. Very sudden & unexpected, happened at home when she was alone and she was found there. Paramedics pronounced her dead on the scene. No chance to say goodbye obviously very shocking and caused me a lot of issues with anxiety and depression etc since while trying to come to terms with this. She was only in her early 50s and no illnesses before this as far as we knew.

Anyway, I’m back at work and have been for a couple of months now. My colleague has recently had a family pet put to sleep due to illness. Was working with said colleague when she made a comment to me along the lines of how upset she was and said I must know how she feels as it’s the same as my mum.

This really annoyed me and I told her in no uncertain terms that this is not the same and I walked away feeling angry / upset. I now feel a bit bad that maybe I’ve over reacted and been over sensitive. So opinions please.... Aibu?

OP posts:
StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 12:37

^Maybe she didn't know what to say to you and before she knew it she'd said something stupid.
When my dd died a lot of people I knew avoided me because they didn't know what to say^

Sorry for your loss Flowers. You're right that people often don't know what to say but this isn't what happened here.

OPs Mum died a few months ago and OP has been back at work for a while. Colleagues pet has died and colleague is saying 'i'm upset and you know how I feel as your Mum died'.

Very different situation to someone 'saying the wrong thing' when they see a recently bereaved person.

Maelstrop · 01/09/2018 12:44

Someone on a pet forum said it, really. She said yes, I love my fur babies (why is there no puke emoticon?!) but the love for my children is 1000 times thazt.

IrmaFayLear · 01/09/2018 12:48

There are some thoughtful posts on here.

Agree that a lot of people don't mean to be hurtful, they just wade in and say something tactless quite accidentally.

When df died dm was incredibly sensitive, and dissected everyone's reactions/comments/facial expressions, almost looking for offence, and all over MN there are similar people. I find it's not difficult to tell the difference between a tactless comment and a truly idiotic one. I was a bit taken aback at df's funeral when someone said to me that they too were bereaved, as their half great uncle had died a couple of weeks beforehand. Half great uncle!

That being said, I do rate my dog above most human beings. So shoot me, I do. I would never say so to a bereaved person, but after the dcs and dh, my dog is my next priority.

Isleepinahedgefund · 01/09/2018 12:52

But her loss does compare to yours, but only that it caused grief, which is something we can go through for all sorts of losses -loss of life, loss of relationships etc.

Your losses are different and will have very different ongoing effects - whatever anyone says, a parent is a particular and crucial person in your life whether you like them or not. The ongoing effect of a loss of a pet cannot be the same as they don’t bring you up etc and the relationship is less complex.

A close friend of mine lost her child recently and we are both grieving. No one expects her to have got over it, but people around me seem to think I should have done, because it wasn’t my child. They don’t understand the magnitude of my loss, because it wasn’t my child. They can only apply their experience, and in their experience, people get over a loss quicker than that. They cannot fathom that I may never “get over” it.

Give it a year, and I imagine you colleague will understand that it isn’t the same. But at the moment she feels the same basic grief that you did at the start. I’m not surprised you had a go at her, I won’t judge you for it.

SerenDippitty · 01/09/2018 13:10

I had a friend once who's cat was run over and killed. I remember going round to see her as I knew she was upset. It was like a person had died. She couldn't function. Was on the sofa with blankets on her, lying and crying for days. The worst bit was when she said to me 'it's like losing a child'

I lost a dog, a young healthy dog, in identical circumstances. And I will admit I was a bit useless for a few days. I would never compare it to the loss of a child or any other human but that is not to say it wasn’t devastating in its own way. You are a bit unfair on your friend.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 01/09/2018 13:16

When I was at uni one of the women in the course (a right little princess) was away for a week for 'a bereavement' (our tutor told us). Her cat had died.

Now Much as I loved my pets, sheesh 🙄

ForalltheSaints · 01/09/2018 13:30

Unless you had a very toxic relationship or NC with your mum I would suggest nothing compares to the death of your mother.

SerenDippitty · 01/09/2018 13:32

I agree. Losing your mum is always a big deal no matter how old they were.

BigBlueBubble · 01/09/2018 13:40

Do you really love your pets as much as your children? As much as your wife / husband / partner?
Yep. I’ve had my dog longer than I’ve had DH or DC. She was there for me when I had literally nobody. Before I met DH I had broken up with boyfriends because they didn’t accept her. She’s a member of my family and I love them all - there’s no hierarchy of who I love the most.

ParkheadParadise · 01/09/2018 13:41

@CutesyUserName
That must have been awful for you.
We will never know how grief stricken doggy lady felt after she said, what she said. For all we know she could be upset by her stupid comment.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 13:50

I very much judge people who love an animal as much as they love their own kids because "they were here first".

Does anyone remember the Animals vs Humans thread a while back where people said they'd not only rescue their dog over others people children from a burning building, they'd actually rescue their pets first before their own kids Hmm

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2018 13:53

There has to be some sort of mental health issue with people who value animal as much, or even more than humans. It's just awful.

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 13:55

I'm also highly suspicious of anyone who in the event of a fire would have to pause for even a nanosecond to think whether they should save their child or the dog.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 13:56

See, I get pissed off at people telling me that I should give a shit that my excuse of Parent's deaths were a loss

If my demon of a mother died tomorrow o would not be sad. In fact I'd mourn the snail I stepped on by accident earlier more than her. For good reasons I won't go into, but my situation is a rare one, and it's not the next persons situation. Most women are very close to their mothers and losing them would be one of the most painful things anyone can experience. A cat never compares, and you should always assume there's a closeness if someone tells you their mother has died

GunpowderGelatine · 01/09/2018 13:58

I'm also highly suspicious of anyone who in the event of a fire would have to pause for even a nanosecond to think whether they should save their child or the dog

Or even someone else's child. I've had a dog, I adored her, but I wouldn't have saved over another child, even a stranger's child

BigBlueBubble · 01/09/2018 14:07

I would totally save my own dog before someone else’s child.

Bluewoohoo · 01/09/2018 14:09

Unfortunately, as others have said, even the most loved pet does tend to get replaced, and often quite quickly, when it dies. Not quite the same sort of grief, is it?

Grief is personal and that's why my grief is more important to me than others and vice versa.

But you have to have some boundaries of decency. OP is therefore not being UR imo

BigBlueBubble · 01/09/2018 14:10

There has to be some sort of mental health issue with people who value animal as much, or even more than humans.
In my experience most humans are awful. Animals have no malice or cruelty.

ADastardlyThing · 01/09/2018 14:10

I absolutely value my dog more than a lot of humans I know, because they are dicks Grin

Nikephorus · 01/09/2018 14:14

There has to be some sort of mental health issue with people who value animal as much, or even more than humans.
Quite frankly I'd value a woodlouse more highly than I would a lot of the posters on here who are judgemental, thoughtless and have the emotional capacity of a dead goldfish and fail to see that other people also have feelings that are just as valid as theirs despite being different. And in a burning building it would be the woodlouse I'd save over all of you. A woodlouse wouldn't be shitting on another woodlouse's feelings just because they could.

Nodancingshoes · 01/09/2018 14:16

Yanbu - it was very insensitive of her. It is very sad to lose a pet, especially a dog BUT it is nothing compared to losing a parent or, God forbid, a child. I would have reacted the same. I am sorry for your loss xxx

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 14:17

Quite frankly I'd value a woodlouse more highly than I would a lot of the posters on here who are judgemental, thoughtless and have the emotional capacity of a dead goldfish and fail to see that other people also have feelings that are just as valid as theirs despite being different. And in a burning building it would be the woodlouse I'd save over all of you. A woodlouse wouldn't be shitting on another woodlouse's feelings just because they could

Thread winner!!

shatteredmama · 01/09/2018 14:21

Yanbu, at all. It was disrespectful of colleague to both you and also to your late Mum to consider those deaths to be on the same scale. Pets are lovely, but they are just that, pets. You can't compare them to people. I tend to feel quite sorry for those who say an animal is their baby etc.

Really sorry for your loss, it's horrendous isn't it.

sonlypuppyfat · 01/09/2018 14:22

Bigbluebubble what the actual f**k!

BertrandRussell · 01/09/2018 14:23

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