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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is abusive? Doubting myself...

52 replies

5krunning · 01/09/2018 00:01

Hello.
I've been married for 15 years and things are normally ok with my husband but he gets angry at things and about three years ago, he shoved me to the ground. He's not physically harmed me since although he's risen his fist to me twice.
Recently I've begun to feel that the abuse is becoming more emotional but I can't stop doubting myself. I know I should've left years ago.
Last night we were getting intimate (ish) though we were both fully clothed. He told me to take my trousers off but I didn't want to because our children were downstairs and it felt wrong. They could've come up at any second! but when I said 'no', he pestered me before walked out the room slamming the door behind him. He came back 10 minutes later and said that I was a 'fucking disappointment' and that he 'never asks for much'. He was so angry at me and kept saying how he's always patient with me. He ignored me for a good couple of hours until I was so upset that I felt I had to apologise.
My words were almost sarcastic- 'I'm sorry I didn't take my trousers off when you asked. I'll try to do better next time' and he thanked me for the apology and said that although he was disappointed, he'd give me another chance for the sake of keeping the family together

I'm not imagining this am I? I've been so stupid

OP posts:
Bodear · 01/09/2018 00:04

He sounds horrible. How would you feel if a friend’s partner spoke to them that way?

Original poster
5krunning · 01/09/2018 00:15

I just keep doubting myself and I'm worried I'm overreacting.
I know what I'd say if a friend's husband was doing it but it's hard for me being in the situation

OP posts:
PickAChew · 01/09/2018 00:18

Of course it is abusive, just like all the shoving you mentioned.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/09/2018 00:21

Yes, abusive. He sounds absolutely horrible. How are your finances?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 01/09/2018 00:23

No no no no!
This is dreadful! You KNOW it’s wrong but you’ve been in this situation for so long it’s eroded your self esteem.
I know it’s easy for us, who don’t know you, your situation etc, to tell you to get out, but you really need to take a good look in the mirror.
You are worth more than this.
I’m particularly disturbed by his reacyto your sarcastic apology

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 01/09/2018 00:24

Reaction to

Original poster
5krunning · 01/09/2018 00:29

Thanks you guys for reassuring me.

I knew it was wrong but I was unsure whether it should be a case of just 'grin and bear it' and forget it.
My finances are in order thankfully and I have a stable and fairly well paid career.

OP posts:
ColdCottage · 01/09/2018 00:40

He sounds very unreasonable.

Maybe keep a diary of incidents so you can trust yourself and not doubt your memory.

Do you have a close friend you can talk to for support. Anyone will see this is not good on his side and help you through this.

No one should raise a fist to anyone, but especially not the person they are meant to love.

I'm sorry you are not loved and appreciated as you should be.

agnurse · 01/09/2018 01:08

I'm sorry but he's abusive. That's garbage.

You deserve better. These are my go-to tips for abuse victims:

  1. Call a shelter or domestic abuse hotline. Afterward, call an innocuous number - this way if he presses "redial" he won't know you called for help.
  1. Hide cash away when you can. Cash is harder to track than credit or debit and he can't freeze your access to cash.
  1. Get copies of important papers (e.g. birth certificates) and hide them somewhere safe.
  1. When you do leave, it's often best not to go to a relative or friend's home because that's often the first place he'll look. Your best bet would be to go to a domestic violence shelter - they'll be familiar with the behaviour of abusers and can keep you safe.
  1. Consider some counseling for yourself. Abuse victims often have very poor self-esteem and may have other mental health issues. This is one of the reasons it's so hard to leave an abusive situation. A counselor can help you see the abuse for what it is and help you to understand that it isn't your fault. You don't deserve to be treated that way - no one does.
Rebecca36 · 01/09/2018 04:42

He sounds absolutely appalling. Do you really have to put up with him?

tillytop · 01/09/2018 04:53

Shoving you to the ground, sulking like a teenager, expecting you to undress when he demands, no consideration of your feelings. Yes, this is physical and emotional abuse. OP,
get help and support, do NOT let this continue. Flowers

Doublevodka · 01/09/2018 05:23

Please do not doubt yourself. That is absolutely appalling behaviour on his part and it IS abuse. You should not have to tolerate that. . Good luck with whatever you decide.

mimibunz · 01/09/2018 05:38

When are you leaving him?

Fourscoreandtwitter · 01/09/2018 06:13

100% definitely abusive. When you endure this sort of relationship for so long your perception of what is ‘normal’ becomes skewed. There is no way that any loving partner would tell their partner they were a ‘fucking disappointment’ - that is such aggressive, disrespectful and abusive language. And when you say he only pushed you once but has raised his fists, I don’t know any decent men who would even consider raising their fists to their partner (or anyone!) - good men (and women) don’t behave that way, they just don’t.

This man is abusive. I would say he is borderline dangerous. This inner voice of yours saying ‘this is not ok’ is right. You do not deserve to be spoken to or treated like this.

There’s lots of good, practical advice on here. I really hope you can find a way to leave him. Good luck to you OP, wishing you much strength in the times ahead.

Cath2907 · 01/09/2018 06:54

This man is abusive and horrible. You need to leave him!

Pandaponda · 01/09/2018 07:06

Hi OP, as other posters have said there are some serious red flags around abuse here. I’m particularly concerned by the shoving, fist raising and the fact you felt you needed to apologise after his unacceptable behaviour last night. Having just left an abusive relationship after 18 months of dreadful behaviour I also know it’s not just as easy as LTB. Women’s Aid have a domestic violence help line (includes domestic abuse which you are experiencing). I think it’s 24 hours - they are excellent and will not pressure you to leave before you are ready. Don’t worry if you need to call them several times over a period of time before reaching a decision - they will support you whatever you decide to do and put you in touch with local groups that can support you. If you need legal advice Rights of Women has an excellent helpline staffed by volunteer lawyers/barristers. Hard to get through but keep trying. Lundy Bancroft is an author who has written some great books on domestic abuse. Also check out the freedom project. DM me if you need further advice and good luck.

AgentProvocateur · 01/09/2018 07:08

Why are you putting up with this excuse of a man?

Pandaponda · 01/09/2018 07:18

@Agent Provocateur because she has kids, domestic abuse is very insidious and undermining and deciding to leave is a process not an instant thing. Leaving is also the point at which women are most vulnerable. Posters: by all means validate the OP’s experience of abuse but don’t give her grief for not leaving instantly. This is not an option for a lot of us - unless there is immediate danger.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/09/2018 07:21

You are not overreacting, he is an abusive twat. Sounds a lot like my ex. Get out while you can. Flowers

LynetteScavo · 01/09/2018 11:35

He sounds horrible.

I wouldn't want to live with him.

CityFarmer · 01/09/2018 12:43

Thank you @Pandaponda you're replies were excellent, well rounded advice.
Glad you're safe and thank you for helping others

gottastopeatingchocolate · 01/09/2018 12:57

OP, what support do you have IRL?
I support what Pandaponda says above - as I am 10 months out of a situation that had gone on for years.
"I know I should've left years ago" - I understand that feeling, but don't let that prevent you asking what is in your best interests (and the interests of the children) now. Find out if there is a local support for DA situations, and call them when safe to do so. (They help you cover your tracks).
If I can do anything, DM me.

Aprilsinparis · 01/09/2018 16:41

Don't leave it too late to change your circumstances, if you do you will most certainly regret not doing something sooner. You have been given some very good advice from MN's, please act on it.Flowers

Original poster
5krunning · 01/09/2018 17:19

Thanks everyone for your words and support.
I don't really have a support network as I don't have any friends I can trust with such a big issue.
I'm scared to tell my parents as I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want them thinking badly of me for putting up with this behaviour and I don't want them to think badly of my children's father. It sounds pathetic I know and I know I owe him nothing but that's how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
FadedRed · 01/09/2018 17:29

I'm scared to tell my parents, as I don't want to disappoint them.
If you parents are decent people and they love you, then they will NOT want you and your children to be with an abusive man.
If your parents aren't decent people and don't love, it doesn't matter a damn what they think.