AIBU to think this is abusive? Doubting myself...

[5krunning]

Hello.
I've been married for 15 years and things are normally ok with my husband but he gets angry at things and about three years ago, he shoved me to the ground. He's not physically harmed me since although he's risen his fist to me twice.
Recently I've begun to feel that the abuse is becoming more emotional but I can't stop doubting myself. I know I should've left years ago.
Last night we were getting intimate (ish) though we were both fully clothed. He told me to take my trousers off but I didn't want to because our children were downstairs and it felt wrong. They could've come up at any second! but when I said 'no', he pestered me before walked out the room slamming the door behind him. He came back 10 minutes later and said that I was a 'fucking disappointment' and that he 'never asks for much'. He was so angry at me and kept saying how he's always patient with me. He ignored me for a good couple of hours until I was so upset that I felt I had to apologise.
My words were almost sarcastic- 'I'm sorry I didn't take my trousers off when you asked. I'll try to do better next time' and he thanked me for the apology and said that although he was disappointed, he'd give me another chance for the sake of keeping the family together

I'm not imagining this am I? I've been so stupid

My parents are incredibly loving and supportive and I'm lucky to have them. I'm just scared to admit aloud what's been happening. I'm embarrassed

You really shouldn't feel that way, @5krunning . My DSis's first marriage was abusive, her DH abused both her and her beloved Labrador Retriever. I didn't know anything about it until after it was over and I was helping her file for divorce.

She also felt ashamed and didn't want to admit to what was going on. I felt awful for not having suspected, because it had been happening when I had been staying with her, I found out afterwards.

You should allow your parents to help you and your DC get away from this man.

I just feel so daft for letting myself get into this situation.
I was raised to leave any man who disrespected me. I let him get away with it too many times and now I feel stuck. I'm so disappointed in myself because I always swore I'd leave if a man touched me in anger

His response tells you everything you need to know. Cunt.

Stop worrying about other people and their feelings- DCunt, parents etc etc. No one is going to be blaming you for anything. And anyway, who cares. Get thee gone woman and much sooner than later. Good luck.

FWIW you're not alone. It's often VERY difficult for a person to leave an abusive relationship for a number of reasons - children, pets (many shelters won't allow pets and the partner may threaten to harm the pet if the victim leaves), finances, and generally poor self-esteem.

The reality is that no partner BEGINS as abusive and no abusive situation is abusive 24/7. There's a cycle. It's very complex. This is why many organizations focus not just on telling women to get out but on helping them make a plan to leave and, if they don't feel ready to leave, a plan to help keep them as safe as possible until they are ready.

Aw OP this post has made me feel so sad for you. It reminds me of a relationship I was in for 4 years. I felt so stupid and ashamed (once I realised and acknowledged that he was emotionally abusive), and still struggle to admit it to people. It creeps up on you and before you know it your self-esteem is rock bottom and you’re questioning everything you think, feel or do. You essentially lose a sense of who you are. I thankfully had a wonderful friend who I slowly confided in. I think you’d be surprised how supportive and non-judgemental those who love you will be. At the time I literally couldn’t see a way out. But with my friend’s support managed it. The first massive step is acknowledging that the way he’s treating you is wrong and that you’re not going mad (as I’m sure he’ll have you believe). I promise you are worth more than this. I’m now with a wonderful man who treats me with kindness and respect, and am slowly piecing myself back together again. Every day I am so thankful that I’m no longer in that relationship that made me feel so small and afraid. Please, please just talk to someone you trust about this. X

Thank you Millie2008 for your post and sharing your experience. I'm hoping there will be light at the end of the tunnel for me too. I'm so happy that I'm not imagining things and people understand me. I've doubted myself so much these last few days

Grim.

I’m lucky that I’ve not been in this position. But I’m sure that your parents would want you to be honest with them, so they can help you extricate yourself from this marriage. Please tell them- I know you are worried about what they will think but I bet that they won’t be disappointed in you ... they will want to do everything they can yo help you and your children x

Thank you- I will try and tell my parents. I know they'll support me but I'm just feeling insecure at the moment and so uncertain whether I'm overthinking.
How do I bring the subject up with my husband? How do I begin to explain how I'm feeling?

How do I bring the subject up with my husband? How do I begin to explain how I'm feeling?

Don’t.

He is treating you with contempt. Do you think that he will suddenly discover he is an abusive arsehole and go down on bended knee and beg your forgiveness? This is not how it happens.

This is not your failure. This is not happening because you have somehow failed to communicate how his appalling treatment of you makes you feel. He already knows how you feel and he doesn’t care.

I fell into this trap. Don’t fall into it yourself. This is NOT a communication proble. It is an ABUSE problem.

Don’t give him any more ammo. If you try to share information like this with him, he will use it against you.

I know it is hard to come to terms with, but this man is no longer your friend. He hasn’t been your friend for quite a long time.

Confide in your parents , they will want to support you. Do not confide in him, he wants to undermine you, at the very least. Start to protect yourself from him, mentally.

OP abusive men know that they are abusive. He knows he shoved you, he knows he raised his hand to you and he knows he swore at you to put pressure on you to toe the line and submit to him. He thinks by doing these things that next time you'll do what he says without answering back because you won't want the same treatment again. It is all abusive behaviour.

My stbxh never actually hit me but when we had an argument he often used to tell me 'another sort of man would have hit you by now' that statement was designed to get me to stop arguing with him because the implied threat was that next time I might push him too far.

He also used to say 'you always have to have the last word' when we disagreed over anything which wasn't true. Again he just wanted me to shut up so he could say what he wanted to say and have control over the conversation.

Another favourite was saying something hurtful or critical to me and if I replied I was the one who started an argument. It's all about control.

However, I really couldn't see any of this was going on when it happened. I was so used to being manipulated it got to the point that he would say I'd said something and even though I couldn't remember saying whatever it was I'd end up apologising for things I hadn't said or done.

Please, please tell your parents everything. Might be worth sitting down and writing out the instances because it is very easy for men like him to lie and say that you're making it up/ it didn't happen/ you're exaggerating etc. It helps to set it down as it clarifies in your mind exactly what has gone on.

Don't say anything to the worthless prick. Be calm and compliant while you get everything sorted to end the marriage: your friends and family will help you. Given that he's hit you at least once, it might be safer to take the kids and leave while he is out at work - or have someone with you when you tell him his sorry arse is dumped. And if he gets physically aggressive again, call the police.

Op your husband is def abusive
Now I'm starting to wonder if mine is too
He is very laid back, hard worker, loves me, great with the kids etc
But he has a problem with drink and when I call him on it, he turns nasty
Tonight, following a minor disagreement he said 'you're lucky you're not a bloke, I would have knocked you the fuck out by now'
I'll admit I was being a proper bitch... I was maybe a bit nastier than was necessary, but his response cut me.
In the past he has manipulated situations where he is in the wrong, right around so that I'm the one in tears begging for forgiveness.
I'm not sure what I'm asking or where I'm going with this, but there are times where I absolutely hate him

Greengrass123- I'm sorry you're in a similar situation.
My husband has threatened to punch me in the face during an argument before.
He even turns violence into a joke if he's annoyed at me and 'jokingly' says 'you're lucky I didn't hit you for doing that'. Even when it's minor

Fuck I'm beginning to think something is really wrong
My h does the same... or he will respond to a situation really negatively or even aggressively and pretend he was joking afterwards
I really don't know any more

The 'joking' thing is very much present in my marriage.
I get called 'a dumb bitch', 'a skank', 'an ugly bitch' frequently.
But it's ok because it's 'a joke'

It's not a joke and it's not funny.

Can you afford a solicitor? Do you own or rent your home?

5krunning He is a Fucking disappointment of a husband and I am so sorry you have had to put up with this.

Since our kids came along I've never had any sex that wasn't behind a locked door. Who wants their kids coming up and finding them having sex!

His violence is inexcusable.

"I don't really have a support network as I don't have any friends I can trust with such a big issue." Is that because he has not encouraged you to have friends, or because you have not wanted to make friends?

Maybe speak to someone and see, you may have more support than you expect.

"I'm scared to tell my parents as I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want them thinking badly of me for putting up with this behaviour and I don't want them to think badly of my children's father." PLEASE tell your family. I am mum to a teenage daughter and if she ever found herself i a similar situation I would really want to know and would do all I could to protect her.

"It sounds pathetic I know and I know I owe him nothing but that's how I'm feeling." It is not at all pathetic, I think it is quite a normal reaction.

Please speak to women's aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Make sure you cover your tracks, keep yourself safe.

been there..& sadly the cycle of domestic violence you ARE experiencing will only get worse. Nothing can change a guy on this control pathway. Get yourself a copy of 'how he gets inside her head the mind of the male intimate abuser' by Don Hennessy. This will help you understand what is really going on in your relationship.... and the knowledge on how his guy is attempting to control you. This is the book all WOMAN in a domestic abusive situation, social workers, solicitors etc MUST read. Take care .... get informed and you are stronger than he will want you to believe!

5krunning 'I'm embarrassed' You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You stayed because (I imagine) he convinced you it was a one off and he would never do that again, and was sorry (or because you were afraid - or a combination of reasons). Whatever your reason for staying were, you stayed because you felt it was best, this last example of selfish, entitled, controlling behavior has convinced you that you do not want to live like this.

So do not feel embarrassed, he is the one in the wrong, you know that.

PoppyField really good points.

OP do not tell the fucker anything.

When you first posted and I read it and it said a few incidents I thought, I bet there is more.

Then I just read "My husband has threatened to punch me in the face during an argument before." and "He even turns violence into a joke if he's annoyed at me and 'jokingly' says 'you're lucky I didn't hit you for doing that'." So suddenly there are more cases of threatened violence. And "I get called 'a dumb bitch', 'a skank', 'an ugly bitch' frequently.
But it's ok because it's 'a joke'" That's called negging, it's designed to keep you under the thumb.

This article has some good points but I would not confront your husband, as others have said, he knows what he is doing. NO MAN really thinks it's OK to threaten violence as a joke, let alone pushing his wife to the floor is OK.

www.bustle.com/p/what-is-negging-7-signs-someone-is-doing-it-to-you-72174

greengrass123 if a friend described your relationship to you as her relationship, how would you feel, what would you advise?

Italiangreyhound- thanks for the link! I've never heard of negging before but it makes sense! Thank you so much for putting the time in to analyse my situation. I will try to contact women's aid and see what they advise in terms of a plan. Thank you

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247

They can help you with the practical stuff of planning to leave and staying safe until then, and when you do leave.

Do not tell him you're going to leave, do not tell him you're thinking of leaving, do not tell him when you actually leave.

Leave without warning when he is not home. Leave a note telling him you've left but do not tell him where you've gone. Ever.

Freedom Programme can help you with understanding how he manipulated and entrapped you in this situation, and will help you understand his behaviour.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it's free if you go to the group course, it's confidential, nobody will know you've attended, nobody will judge you. They just want to give you all the information they have to share with you so you can be the one in charge of your own life again.

He knows he's abusing you, he knows the impact it has on you - that is what he wants to achieve. He wants you broken, frightened, and submissive so that he has total control of you. He feels entitled to behave like this. Talking to him would only make him escalate his behaviour because he would feel like he was losing control of you if you felt confident enough to challenge him.

All of this is about power and control. That's why he makes all the "jokes" about violence and only used violence the once - because it's kept you in line. You're afraid he'll do it again, you know he's capable of it, so you comply with him to avoid it.

Take all the support you can from WA, FP, your GP, any service that can help you. They just want to support you.

Leaving isn't easy, no, but as someone on the other side of it who used to feel so confused and asked herself the same questions you're asking, life can and does get so much better once you're away from them and have had the chance to start healing.

Keep going. You will get there, even if it takes you a bit of time.

Thank you for the link and number AnoukSpirit! I appreciate all the advice I'm getting!

If it makes it any easier OP, to consider leaving him, think of dc only. A decent normal man would not want you to get undressed and have sex with the possibility of DC walking in. A normal man would kiss and cuddle and say he can't wait until the DC are in bed tonight and you're alone. That's how normal partners, fathers behave. Think of DC, if you feel unable to put yourself first. As for parents, they will only be disappointed if you don't tell them and get their support in LTB. Sorry, I know it's difficult, been there myself