Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think this sounds like autism?

67 replies

Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:05

Its DP I'm referring to, I've suspected it for a few years but he doesn't like labels so doesn't appreciate anybody broaching the subject. One of his DC has diagnosed autism whether that's relevant I don't know.

I'll give what insight I can.. Id like some opinions on whether you think this could be autism/aspergers or whether he's just a grumpy git or immature?

He loves his children (he has four and one on the way) but has said he was never particularly excited about them, pre birth or afterwards.

He admits to struggling to articulate his feelings and doesn't know how to explain himself and gets frustrated about that.

He can't take jokes and has a tendency to think people are making fun of him when they aren't.

He can't pick up on body language well, so If somebody was to say something in jest but with a smile on their face he'd think its a personal attack and they were being serious / criticizing or mocking him somehow.

He can't take perceived criticism for example in the work place, if somebody tries to show him how to do something a different way or correct him he'll go in a strop. He's recently completed a forklift course and when another member of staff less senior than him made a suggestion on how to maneuver the machine he stormed off and left it outside, refusing to use it for the rest of the day in the rain.

These are just a few examples I can think of, aibu to assume autism or is he just a bit of a twat sometimes?

OP posts:
Original poster
Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:06

He did do an online test for autism and scored very highly which would indicate that he is, but he doesn't give these online tools any credit so doesn't think it holds any weight

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 31/08/2018 20:08

What difference will a label make to your DH?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/08/2018 20:08

Some people with aspergers have those traits. It often is genetic.

IWantMyHatBack · 31/08/2018 20:09

" aibu to assume autism or is he just a bit of a twat sometimes?"

Really? really??

😕🙁

Original poster
Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:10

It'll make no difference I guess, but would help me understand rather than thinking he's being a twat (the work incident for example) and going in moods that most people around him can't begin to understand

OP posts:
Original poster
Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:12

@iwantmyhatback

Sorry that sounded awful the way I worded it. What I meant was, sometimes his behaviour comes across as unreasonable and I'm wondering whether there is an actual reason for that as opposed to him just being difficult

OP posts:
Original poster
Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:14

I absolutely don't mean that people with autism are twats. Oh ffs me and my stupid big mouth Sad

OP posts:
Ted27 · 31/08/2018 20:15

Autism is not a label, its a diagnosis.

If you had a partner/child with a medical condition would you call it a label and ask what difference it makes to know ?

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 20:18

Sounds possible

I have mild ASD and ADHD, as well as a DC with autism and I recognise some of those

Original poster
Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:22

A diagnosis yes it is, when I said label that is based on me suggesting it to him before and him responding that he doesn't believe in "labels"

He struggled to accept when his DD was diagnosed and claims she doesn't have it and that she's being only being "labeled" because she's being compared to her brothers who have different personality types

OP posts:
Disabrie22 · 31/08/2018 20:25

If he’s not interested in being labelled then it won’t make a difference but you could do some reading to understand him?
I think I understand what you are trying to say - my friends son comes across as incrediabley rude but he has aspergers and to him he’s not being rude at all - it’s the way he sees it and he gets very defensive too. Obviously this is one person and autism can effect people in different ways.

Darknessinthevalley · 31/08/2018 20:25

I'm both autistic and a twat sometimes, my DH is still learning which is which Grin
Ultimately, he could be. But if he's not interested in finding out there's no point dwelling on it.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 20:26

My dad refuses to accept he has blatant aspergers and ADHD, despite his symptoms and both me and my son having it showing a very strong family link. Some people see it as a criticism

Original poster
Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:29

@Disabrie22 you've explained it much better than I did, thank you

@Darknessinthevalley that did make me laugh Grin

@BlairWaldorfsHeadband He definitely sees it as a criticism too, when its never intended that way.

For what its worth I've never told him he's a twat because I think he may be autistic Blush

OP posts:
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 20:33

Ironically getting defensive like that is a sign of it in itself. Its a shame people see it as an insult. I see it as something I have, like being left handed or having size 6 feet. Neither positive or negative.

Original poster
Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:46

@BlairWaldorfsHeadband do you find that it holds you back at all in social situations?

OP posts:
HateIsNotGood · 31/08/2018 21:03

What darkness said really. Everyone can be a twat sometimes. If it helps you to understand your DH's 'ways' by seeing 'autism' as the root then that's fine. It really is. But don't expect him to want understand himself in that sense if he doesn't want to.

Autism isn't a strap-on, it's how 10% (estimate) of humans are. There are a few situations where it could be/or is likely to affect how the human being is affected/treated (#1 Education) but if your DH has formed his life thus far without his autism being highlighted then leave him to his own definition of himself.

Remember his 'ways' were always part of him - and part of the person you fell in love with, jst as he did with you.

cariadlet · 31/08/2018 21:12

Those do sound like they could be autistic traits and it does often run in families. If he is in denial about his DD and doesn't like labels then there's not much chance of getting a diagnosis.

But if there's even a possibility that he is autistic then it probably would help you to read as much as you can about it.

I'm pretty sure that I'm autistic and my GP has made a referral for me. The waiting time in my area is over 12 months which has been very frustrating, but has given me time to do loads of reading which has really helped me to understand myself.

BakedBeans47 · 31/08/2018 21:14

Sounds like he could be. Obviously it’s not possible to diagnose from a post on MN, but certainly my autistic son has similar traits.

PureColdWind · 31/08/2018 21:20

It is possible he has autism based in what you've said. My son is 8 and sometimes comes across as rude in his interactions with people - but really he is just confused about a social situation - like he might think someone who is joking with him is actually insulting him. I could imagine my son getting annoyed too if someone tried to show him how to do something - as he might wrongly think they are insulting him by assuming he doesn't know what to do.

This comic is very good for understanding autism
themighty.com/2016/05/rebecca-burgess-comic-redesigns-the-autism-spectrum/

Original poster
Barnab · 31/08/2018 21:34

Thank you for your replies. Its great to hear from people who themselves have autism or have DC with the condition so know the traits

I'm going to do some reading up, he's not interested in being diagnosed so I won't bother suggesting he gets assessed through the proper channels but if I can learn more about it myself then it'll no doubt help me understand him better.

Before it occurred to me that there may be something else going on, I often thought he was being grumpy and rude for no reason which would get my back up.

I'm more tolerant now since I grew to suspect autism

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 31/08/2018 21:46

All I'm seeing is someone with a basic knowledge of autism and trying to fit their partner's behaviour to tick the right boxes. If you look at most people that closely they'll tick some boxes, because we all have our quirks. And the more you read, the more boxes you'll find to tick.

Leave diagnoses to the experts (or forget it altogether if your partner doesn't want to pursue it). And please stop with the "autistic or twat" comparison. Autism doesn't make someone act like a twat, being a twat does.

(If that comes across as defensive it's because I'm sick of a complex condition that many of us have fought for years to have recognised, being diminished to an internet diagnosis and an excuse for bad behaviour.)

MitchDash · 31/08/2018 22:06

As someone who has considerable experience in working with those with Autism I would say your 'symptoms' are a reach, in my opinion.

For instance my son is hugely excited by his nephew which makes him struggle to manage his emotions and he has to use his coping stratagies to manage. It is a phallacy that people with Autism do not experience emotion, indeed the newest research suggests they feel more but shut it down because they cannot cope with the overload of emotion.

You don't mention sensory difficulties, like food, scent or colour which are common nor do you mention any imbalance in his sensory load - over load in one area - for instance vision - will usually cause under performance in other areas to compensate ie taste. Many people struggle with the sensation of touch requiring firm pressure or none at all. Nor did you mention issues with short term memory or interactions with people.

There are a million indicators of Autism and being 'rude' or 'unemotional' are not the main ones (and those words aren't a true understanding of Autism anyway). Just my opinion.

Disabrie22 · 31/08/2018 23:26

I know there’s some criticism of the OP but I’m someone who has taught for years and there was virtually no conversation about autism until the last 6 in my experience. Now we have people asking questions - however awkwardly phrased and it can only be a good thing to open a conversation and encourage someone to further their knowledge.

Disabrie22 · 31/08/2018 23:28

OP - there was a great programme on a while ago I think it was called How Autistic Are You? And it was hosted by people with autism. It showed the diagnosis being made and was very interesting and positive. Give it a watch if you can xxx

Swipe left for the next trending thread