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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think this sounds like autism?

67 replies

Barnab · 31/08/2018 20:05

Its DP I'm referring to, I've suspected it for a few years but he doesn't like labels so doesn't appreciate anybody broaching the subject. One of his DC has diagnosed autism whether that's relevant I don't know.

I'll give what insight I can.. Id like some opinions on whether you think this could be autism/aspergers or whether he's just a grumpy git or immature?

He loves his children (he has four and one on the way) but has said he was never particularly excited about them, pre birth or afterwards.

He admits to struggling to articulate his feelings and doesn't know how to explain himself and gets frustrated about that.

He can't take jokes and has a tendency to think people are making fun of him when they aren't.

He can't pick up on body language well, so If somebody was to say something in jest but with a smile on their face he'd think its a personal attack and they were being serious / criticizing or mocking him somehow.

He can't take perceived criticism for example in the work place, if somebody tries to show him how to do something a different way or correct him he'll go in a strop. He's recently completed a forklift course and when another member of staff less senior than him made a suggestion on how to maneuver the machine he stormed off and left it outside, refusing to use it for the rest of the day in the rain.

These are just a few examples I can think of, aibu to assume autism or is he just a bit of a twat sometimes?

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 31/08/2018 23:36

Pretty much everything MitchDash said.

Autistic people aren't unemotional or unfeeling or uncaring. And we aren't rude either, we just don't understand all the rules sometimes, thats all. It can also sometimes be difficult to follow the rules if we are in sensory overload etc etc.

Time and time again i see people on here conplaining that their partner is miserable, uncaring and rude and then others say "ASD, aspergers, autism!" Straight off.

No. Its just someone being an arse! (Regardless of diagnosis!)

People are very quick to throw it about and claim it fits anything they don't like, or use it to justify bad behaviour when tge reality is these people are NT, and just rude, miserable and grumpy!

JynxaSmoochum · 31/08/2018 23:41

A friend has been diagnosed in adulthood. When it was mentioned that it was being investigated, several situations where his idiosyncrasies had caused difficulties made sense. It is helpful when you realise that someone isn't trying to be bloody awkward and that they genuinely have a different perspective on a situation. He's happier for understanding that there are reasons why he reacts in certain ways that differ from most people. He's still the same person, but on all sides, a bit more understanding of his behaviour helps.

Disquieted1 · 31/08/2018 23:52

@bombardier

Great post.

PorkFlute · 01/09/2018 00:17

I don’t think the autism or twat thing is suggesting people with autism are twats.
Some people may behave in a certain way because of their autism. They might have difficulty seeing someone else’s perspective for eg. Another person may fully see the other persons perspective but not give a shit about it. That would make them a twat.

IWantMyHatBack · 01/09/2018 01:40

(OP, this isn't aimed at you)

@PorkFlute
The OP wasn't suggesting that autistic people are twats. She was conflating certain twatty behaviours with autism.

Yes, autistic people behave differently, but people with HFA/Aspergers/ASC aren't, by default, twats.

Autistsm ≠ twat.
Twat ≠ autism

IWantMyHatBack · 01/09/2018 01:45

@Barnab

Sorry, bit late responding.
Don't worry. It was badly worded, but I knew you didn't actually mean if that way
(despite my autistic brain Wink)

I dunno... There are autistic traits, and there are twat behaviours. There's also an inevitable overlap.
I'm a total twat when I'm overloaded and overwhelmed. For me, the ASC means that I don't care when I'm like that.
It doesn't mean I have to act like a twat though. I fact, PMT is much more likely to encourage twatty behaviour than my autism.

It's hard to explain.. I hope that made sense

Nikephorus · 01/09/2018 09:24

Leave diagnoses to the experts (or forget it altogether if your partner doesn't want to pursue it).
I disagree with this. OP says she's going to do some reading anyway - great. If her DP is autistic (high chance given one of his DC) then she's possibly going to understand him better and be in a position to make things easier (in the same way that you would with anyone where you know there's something they find difficult). And if he's actually not, well it doesn't matter - she's still going to be approaching him with more empathy and more 'niceness' - if more people took the time to try and understand why people did things instead of having kneejerk aggressive reactions then the world would be a better place (and mumsnet would have fewer threads!)

MedSchoolRat · 01/09/2018 10:10

I don't understand how people can say there's no point in OP understanding her partner better. Why don't people say that about undiagnosed children, too, then?

I have colleagues who apologise for certain moments when they reckon their Aspergers is making them awkward; they are right, they usually are being awkward just then. It's a social-lubricant help that they can lay it on the table why they are being awkward.

PorkFlute · 01/09/2018 10:59

But inadvertently not considering someone’s view because you have trouble imagining it isn’t twatty for eg but failing to consider others just because you are selfish is. Some people may behave as if they can’t see things from another’s perspective through choice. I think the op wants to know whether he is behaving in the way he is through difficulty or through choice.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 01/09/2018 11:03

if more people took the time to try and understand why people did things instead of having kneejerk aggressive reactions then the world would be a better place (and mumsnet would have fewer threads!)

I agree with this. I have aspergers and ADHD myself and at least one DC has ASD, I often find people misunderstand me and misunderstand his behaviour. I wish people took the time to think that someone doing or reacting differently doesn't necessarily mean they're deliberately being annoying

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 11:09

What was his Childhood like and how is he with wider personal relationships?

What was his communication etc like with you, when you first met?

All that you list could be either emotional damage, or low self esteem/worth/confidence.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 11:13

Also, my DD (and I) who have Autism and her friends that I know, don't have the stuff on your list, going on, towards Family, in your OP.

alardi · 01/09/2018 11:14

I can't agree with the claim:
EITHER he's a deliberate twat OR he's got some reason not-his-fault why he can't do better. People can have conflicts without having a diagnosis or wanting to be deliberately difficult. We can't all get along all the time.

MN does a lot of this line, too, very unsupportive:
EITHER the child has SN, OR the parents are terrible parents. No other reasons ever exist for bad behaviour. Like good parents can never produce NT child who is difficult.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 12:24

""OR he's got some reason not-his-fault why he can't do better""

It's a lot easier for Adults to start to learn appropriate behaviour and 'fake' a lot of what others do, naturally. So I don't agree that he can't do better.

OP, as well as my other questions, does he get excited or look forward to other things besides from his Children's Birth?

Is it you that's pregnant with your first to him?

Don't just look for reasons, tell him that you won't put up with bad treatment.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 12:25

""Like good parents can never produce NT child who is difficult.""

Or Parents can cause emotional damage which presents as certain conditions.

Nikephorus · 01/09/2018 12:40

It's a lot easier for Adults to start to learn appropriate behaviour and 'fake' a lot of what others do, naturally. So I don't agree that he can't do better.
I'm guessing you're not autistic?!

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 01/09/2018 13:01

Lol it is not easy for autistic adults to be less autistic. Maybe neurotypicals should be more autistic?

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 13:27

Nikephorus , you guessed wrong. I am Autistic, so is my DD. I was also a volunteer at my DD's SEN School.

You can understand, as an Adult, who undiagnosed manages to have relationships, get and keep jobs and have children, what hurts others.

So you may not e excited at the Birth of your child, but you fake it, so not to hurt the person that you care about.

You can teach empathy, to an extent, but you can also teach how to pick up on body language and emotions/appropriate responses. In Adults, that is. Not always in children.

But, now, we do start a level of teaching. Children who want to hug, or touch, are taught, slowly to not do that. I met a Mum at a bus stop with her 3 year old. I had my 3 year old GD with me. Her DD tapped a lot, she was working on teaching her not to tap others, more than three times (it was coming down slowly).

We teach children correct responses, like smiling/greeting/thank you's etc. Lots of stuff that doesn't come naturally.

I never used to sit or stand by people. It was in my 30's that I realised I needed to change that.I don't see the need for small talk, I've taught myself to be tolerant of it. I hate texting/putting kisses. Two of my DD's want them, so I do.

The list could go on.

The OP hasn't answered my questions about his Childhood and self esteem. All of those things could be a deep rooted issue and not a condition.

We would have to know a lot more of his background to even consider Autism. I asked the OP if she was the one pregnant with her first baby to him. When we are in shitty relationships, we look for reasons, sometimes it's the Partner that's just a shit.

Birdsgottafly · 01/09/2018 13:29

BlairWaldorfsHeadband , no, it isn't easy. There are times when i'm very out of my comfort zone, but it's doable.

I can't and won't shake hands, though. I will also strongly respond to random touching.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 01/09/2018 13:31

I hate strangers touching me. A man touched my arm the other day and I felt very uncomfortable.

BakedBeans47 · 01/09/2018 15:47

I think people do to an extent learn some of the social norms that may make them seem “less autistic” for want of a better expression.

My son seems to show more autistic traits as he gets older but then on the other hand he’s trying to learn the “correct” social responses. Eg one of his issues is knowing when it’s his turn to speak so he’s trying to manage that and also learning that he needs to say “hello” to people he knows when he meets them outside as otherwise he wouldn’t unless he wanted to engage in conversation with them

Obv none of us can diagnose the OP’s partner but to me the traits (other than the one about not being excited about things) do seem to have ASD-ish elements

cariadlet · 01/09/2018 17:12

I think people do to an extent learn some of the social norms that may make them seem “less autistic” for want of a better expression.

Totally agree. Women especially seem to do this.

For example, if someone asks me how me how my weekend was or asks about my children, holiday etc then I ask the same kind of question to them. But it did take me a long time to realise that that's what I should be doing. Eventually, if you remind yourself to do things like that enough times then they become almost automatic.

AutisticHedgehog · 02/09/2018 20:36

@Bombardier25966

Great post. There’s a whole thread in extrapolation and retro-fitting of the layman’s view of ASD in relationships. It’s very, very frustrating.

It seems to be this get-out card so partners of these “Aspies” can say “it’s not me, it’s ALL you”.

IWantMyHatBack · 02/09/2018 21:43

I hate that thread. I've had to hide it.

AutisticHedgehog · 02/09/2018 21:58

On the first thread I tried to explain why a lot of what some of them were saying was really offensive but was rounded on by several of them (lots of deleted posts!)

But I realise there’s ignorant crap all over the internet so it really isn’t worth the effort.

But it’s frustrating as it means the non-facts of autism continue to be propagated, and then the next amateur psychologist comes along to declare their partner has traits of ASD and is therefore an Aspie. It’s not helpful at all.