To ask if you think this sounds like autism?

[Barnab]

Its DP I'm referring to, I've suspected it for a few years but he doesn't like labels so doesn't appreciate anybody broaching the subject. One of his DC has diagnosed autism whether that's relevant I don't know.

I'll give what insight I can.. Id like some opinions on whether you think this could be autism/aspergers or whether he's just a grumpy git or immature?

He loves his children (he has four and one on the way) but has said he was never particularly excited about them, pre birth or afterwards.

He admits to struggling to articulate his feelings and doesn't know how to explain himself and gets frustrated about that.

He can't take jokes and has a tendency to think people are making fun of him when they aren't.

He can't pick up on body language well, so If somebody was to say something in jest but with a smile on their face he'd think its a personal attack and they were being serious / criticizing or mocking him somehow.

He can't take perceived criticism for example in the work place, if somebody tries to show him how to do something a different way or correct him he'll go in a strop. He's recently completed a forklift course and when another member of staff less senior than him made a suggestion on how to maneuver the machine he stormed off and left it outside, refusing to use it for the rest of the day in the rain.

These are just a few examples I can think of, aibu to assume autism or is he just a bit of a twat sometimes?

I missed the first thread, thankfully. I read some of the second one and it just made me really sad.

Well just as well you didn’t see the first as the second is almost a delight in comparison. I don’t think the most aggressive posters from the first joined the second.

Wow, that sounds fucking awful. Really shit that MN lets that kind of crap stand.

Actually MN were good - many posts containing inaccurate and sweeping generalisations were deleted. And several posters who had posts deleted were also sent emails by MNHQ (I know this as they themselves posted on the thread stating they were outraged as they had never said anything wrong).

MN also posted on the thread several times to try to discourage the ableist posts.

Oh that is encouraging. I'm sick of the anti ASD comments on here (generally on a thread complaining about an antisocial or grumpy husband - sorry OP, don't necessarily mean this one)

Yes agreed. One poster stated she thought her husband had ASD as he got very angry and tense when her husband watched England playing football in the World Cup.

It got that ridiculous.

Ffs

I think there is a balance between trying to understand if someone’s behaviour is genuinely outside their control and excusing bad behaviour.
I wouldn’t be surprised if DH is on the spectrum. That doesn’t excuse him being a grumpy git on occasions but it does excuse him thinking that because he knows something you also know it or needing to go over things that are bugging him multiple times until he has processed it.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

If someone in MN posted physical symptoms about a relative/friend (I.e. not themselves) and asked if the MN audience thought they had cancer? Or diabetes? Or some other physical condition, do you think the OP should the MN response was valid diagnosis?

I wouldn’t, and I suspect most others wouldn’t. And actually I don’t think many would do this about a third party - perhaps for themselves or their child if they were worried (and that’s of course fair enough)

The brain is probably the most complex part of a human body (which is enormously complex in any case). Yet it seems to me that it is acceptable to provide amateur diagnoses of neurological conditionals, yet nobody would really have any faith of an online, amateur diagnosis of a physical condition.

This makes no sense to me at all.

And further, as someone who has gone through a rigorous, diagnostic procedure, and who has been diagnosed with an ASD, I find it really insulting that so many people feel it’s OK to pass comment on a condition I have without actually knowing how it is formally diagnosed. And to be clear, just because I have a diagnosis certainly doesn’t make me able to diagnosis either - absolutely not. So much about how Asperger’s affects an individual will be completely hidden from others I know that it would be impossible for someone to make an accurate diagnosis unless they were qualified.

One of the most significant consequences of all these amateur diagnoses is that the perpetuate myths about about ASD. They belittle the condition. And they make it a whole load harder for people who actually have the condition to get an actual diagnosis, as they read ill-informed comments on public forums and think either “I don’t think I’m like that” or “I don’t want to get diagnosed as I can see the stigma is real”.

All relationships have their problems. If anyone is in a relationship where they are not getting out of it what they need (within reason and compromise) then the relationship should end. Being in a relationship is a choice (notwithstanding coercive/abusive relationships where there are huge practical issues in leaving)

Having a neurological disorder/condition/syndrome is not a choice.

AutisticHedgehog
Thank you for your interesting post. It is helpful to get your perspective.
I understand what you are saying about amateur diagnoses but I strongly suspect there are quite a few undiagnosed adults in my age bracket (late 40’s onwards). I have seen bad behaviour that is deliberate and I have seen different behaviour that is not deliberate. If I genuinely believe that someone can’t help how they respond then I am going to adjust my reaction.
A practical example
I know someone who displays echolalia when stressed. They don’t have a diagnosis but it’s clear to hear repetitive noises or phrases. Sometimes it is a sound someone has made earlier or TV or film phrases. etc. I find it a bit annoying so I put in headphones as they clearly cannot alter what they are doing. If someone was just being noisy I’d tell them to be quiet.

Leave the diagnosis to the expert assessors...

One of the advantages of people getting a diagnosis is that they will be protected in law under the equality act

I agree with autistichedgehog

The diagnosis of autism is multidisciplinary and requires various scales (cars, ados etc) plus a medical history. It isn’t something that can be done in 5 mins.

Most of the online tests don’t seem to ressemble anything like what you need for a diagnosis and I do wonder if they perpetuate someone the misinformation.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

I think you sound like a really lovely colleague and I think being able to recognise that stress is causing a frustrating behaviour rather than it being intentional is really good. And correspondingly adjusting your behaviour is great

Also - I agree with your statement that many in their 40s and above are not diagnosed - I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40s. But if I had read the type of threads to which I was referring earlier, I probably would have assumed I couldn’t have an ASD and just carried on struggling.

But in any scenario, Irrespective of whether someone is NT or ND then clearly being able to recognise they are doing things not with the notion to annoy/hurt rather than being deliberately spiteful or manipulative, is really important.

But professional diagnosis is essential (but can be a long and difficult journey)

Quite possibly yes, since you ask, but the only thing you are going to get from that is the realisation that it isn't going to go away. He isn't just going to grow out of it (like immaturity) but then, you know that anyway because he is already an adult. And if his reaction is grumpy then that is a different part of his personality, for example some people with autism have a very calm neutral response not a grumpy one at all.

I don't see why he should fake an excitement he doesn't feel. For a colleague he might fake the appropriate social response, but in a close relationship faking an emotion only makes things worse. He loves his children but he doesn't do excitement about it. One important question is whether he has any sympathy or understanding for your excitement, it is going to be very wearing for you if he doesn't. What you call "going off in a strop" might be what someone else calls "going off to calm himself down alone". If he comes back just as angry as when he leaves then there is a problem, but if he does calm down while he is away then he is doing the right thing. If he can't pick up on body language then he can't, whether he has autism or not he may lack that ability anyway.

More to the point than whether he has autism, it doesn't sound as if he is doing any of these things on purpose to annoy you. He is who he is, and autistic or not, either you like him, respect him and enjoy being with him the way he is, or you don't.

He probably does have mild autism.

There is a male-brain hypothesis of Autism, where basically the more 'male' someone's brain is (in this case they look at average difference between men and women and men tend to be better with things like spatial awareness and worse at things like recognizing emotions in facial expressions), the higher they score on autism traits. So that a man with a very male brain (anyone can have 'male', 'female' or 'androgenous' brain) will also have autism.

Sorry Lisabel, but that's absolute cobblers

Lisabel - your post is EXACTLY what I'm referring to. Amateur psychology which is so, so damaging.

You read one paragraph from an OP, take one proposed theory of autism (and get that completely wrong), and diagnose a stranger!

You wouldn't do that with a physical condition - don't do it with a neurological one!