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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum making me ask for money she wants to give to me...

75 replies

HowardCoward · 31/08/2018 15:22

I'm doing up my house, which is costing shit-tonnes of money.

I have the money to do it.

My mum recently came into some money which she's adamant she wants to give to me to help me do up my house. Her reasoning is that I'll get it all when she's dead so I might as well have it now.

I get that. I don't need the money but, obviously, I'd be happy for the additional support. I know I'm fortunate to be in this situation.

However, my mum keeps asking me to keep a tally of everything I'm spending, let her know how much and she'll send a cheque to me.

I feel really uncomfortable about this because I feel as though she's kind of making me go to her and say "Please can I have £1,500? I spent £750 on two radiators, £250 on painting and £500 on carpet". It's like she's forcing me to beg for the money and I feel really uncomfortable about that.

I know I probably am being unreasonable and I know my mum's ridiculously kind to offer to give me some of this money but it's just kind of pissing me off now.

Sorry, I just needed a bit of a rant.

OP posts:

Janeinthemiddle · 31/08/2018 15:25

I don't see how that's unreasonable of her.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2018 15:25

But is it actually like that? For instance sometimes I'll say to my son, "Go shopping and get what you need, then tell me how much it came to and I'll repay you." That's partly to avoid giving him a set amount and then he might only spend half, and partly because I've no idea at times how much the things will cost, and I want to cover it all.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2018 15:26

Is it that you think she'll say, "I'm sure you can get radiators cheaper than that" or question whether you actually need new curtains?

Piffle11 · 31/08/2018 15:28

Is she worried that you're going to let it go to your head and disappear off to Ibiza with a group of friends and pay for it all? Is she bored and it's giving her a feeling of being useful? Or do you think it's about control? Without knowing if she's controlling or simply the sort of person who likes to micro manage things to the nth degree, it's difficult to say. My DM tends to do 'nice' things for other people in order that she can then go and tell other people how helpful and thoughtful she is … but I think even my DM would just give me the money up front (although she'd then go and tell everyone ;-) )

Seniorschoolmum · 31/08/2018 15:28

That is probably the oddest reason for a rant but if it makes you feel awkward, you should say so.
Why don’t you pre-empt her and say “mum, I’m going to have to replace the windows/roof/whatever and that’s the one thingI could really do with some help on.” Then if she chooses to pay for that one thing, she’ll have something specific she can see, that she can feel proud of, and it might put an end to all theconversations.
You could nickname it HCSenior’s Roof.or you could put her contributions in an ISA and put them aside for future grandchildren or to take your mum on a holiday once the house is finished.

kaytee87 · 31/08/2018 15:29

I think she probably just wants to give you the right amount.

Unless there's a backstory? There's always a backstory

EmeraldVillage · 31/08/2018 15:31

Is your concern that you’ll end up have everything open to scrutiny and criticism?

Is she the type that would look to critique the list eg “£750 for two radiators, that’s outrageous, you should have got cheaper, You’re wasting money” etc etc

SpottingTheZebras · 31/08/2018 15:32

There must be a massive back story to this because otherwise I really don’t get it.

Would you rather she said I have some money so here is a lump sum?

MimiSunshine · 31/08/2018 15:32

I get you OP. If your mum wants to give you some money, you’d rather she just said “here’s £100 / £500 / £1000+” rathervthan you asking for it.

How do you know how she has in mind? You might have some... I dunno, light fittings to buy. You have a budget so you know which ones you’ll get but with a bit extra you could get the ones that will really finish off the renovation just bit more nicely.

MiggledyHiggins · 31/08/2018 15:37

I know what you mean.

My DM is generous. It's both a virtue and a fault of hers. But if she say, takes me out to lunch, she has to mention it several times that she's paying, that she wants to treat me, it has to be mentioned to every server that's she's treating me (aka paying) for lunch and mentioned at the till when getting the bill. If we bump into anyone we know, she tells them too that she's took me out to lunch and is treating me.

It actually grates after a while. She's asked me to go on trips with her often in the past but I refuse as I like to pay my own way and I know she won't let me.

Thingsdogetbetter · 31/08/2018 15:40

From my understanding of a tally, it means the total. Has she asked for a breakdown or just wants the total? The tally would mean the total amount for the work. To mean that seems fair. Ask her for a ball park figure that she's willing to give, and then you budget accordingly and spend your own money on anything over.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2018 15:45

Do you feel like she's keeping tabs on what you're spending? Is she normally critical of your choices?
Because otherwise I think you're being a bit daft, actually - she doesn't want to hand over a wad of cash for who-knows-what, she just wants to pay for some of your bills and costs.

But if you don't want to do it, then don't.

Bibidy · 31/08/2018 15:45

I get it completely OP.

It's awkward to have to ask for money, particularly when it's being gifted to you. It's so kind of your mum but it would be so much less awkward for you if she just said "Here's a cheque for £2k to put towards your renovations".

I'm sure she doesn't mean to 'make you beg' but it's just one of those awkward things when it comes to money isn't it.

LusaCole · 31/08/2018 15:48

Agree with Things - could you give a less specific breakdown, eg "£4500 on bathroom" or similar?

I can see why she wants to keep track at a high level. But I can see why giving her all the details would make you feel infantilised.

Stillme1 · 31/08/2018 15:51

This is a DM who has offered some help with expensive stuff. She is being kind and helpful but still that it criticised and you don't like the way she is going about it.
It cant just be taken as kindness and consideration for the difficulties of modern life for young people.
I don't know what DMs have to do to please people these days.

actualpuffins · 31/08/2018 15:55

If she wants to help the OP out, it would surely be easier all round if she decided on a sum and gave it to her, to do with as she pleases.

fourplusfour · 31/08/2018 15:56

I get this too OP. My parents gave my siblings and I each some money a while ago. For various reasons I was unable to have the money at the time but they held on to it for me. They often remind me that I still have x-amount left but it is awkward asking for it. I do feel I have to justify what it is being spent on.

MaverickSnoopy · 31/08/2018 16:00

Doesn't she just mean for you to add up the costs as you go along so that she can give you the right amount back at the end?

Popfan · 31/08/2018 16:03

Sounds to me like she's being really kind!

YearOfYouRemember · 31/08/2018 16:13

I think it is reasonable to want to know a budget. You don't want to wish you'd asked every time you look at your carpet and wish you'd known you could have had real wood floor boards if only you'd known mum was paying.

PorkFlute · 31/08/2018 16:15

Unless she’s said she wants an itemised list rather than the total amount I don’t see the issue?

soupforbrains · 31/08/2018 16:18

I think this very much depends on your relationship with your mother and what she is like.

IF it was my mother then she would criticise every decision I made and force me to either choose the cheapest options for everything or feel bad about everything I had spent above the bare minimum. She would also expect to have an input into style/design choices and would drive me INSANE.

but your mother may in fact just want to be sure she's covering all the cost for you. so she just wants you to generally keep a list so that she knows how much money to give and maybe can do it in lumps small enough that she doesn't end up paying a withdrawal/transfer fee etc.

Original poster

HowardCoward · 31/08/2018 16:18

She is being really kind.

She's not after micro-managing I don't think. She just wants me to keep tally and then say something like "Everything ended up costing us about £12,000" and she'll send a cheque for £12,000. She's not asking for a detailed breakdown but I think she wants to feel like she's paying for something rather than just giving me money if that makes sense.

But as PP have said I'd rather she just said "I'm sending you a cheque for £12,000 or £14,000 or £20,000 to help towards your house renovations".

I can't really explain why it irritates me. I think it's because she's trying to feel needed by getting me to ask for the money but I don't need the money, she's foisting it on me

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 31/08/2018 16:19

I think if you say I need radiators, decoration and whatever, which is going to cost around ***. Any help towards that would be lovely, but I'm not expecting it.

Maybe she wants to give you what you need, but perhaps keep any extra back to treat herself?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/08/2018 16:21

I wished I had your non problem.

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