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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum making me ask for money she wants to give to me...

75 replies

HowardCoward · 31/08/2018 15:22

I'm doing up my house, which is costing shit-tonnes of money.

I have the money to do it.

My mum recently came into some money which she's adamant she wants to give to me to help me do up my house. Her reasoning is that I'll get it all when she's dead so I might as well have it now.

I get that. I don't need the money but, obviously, I'd be happy for the additional support. I know I'm fortunate to be in this situation.

However, my mum keeps asking me to keep a tally of everything I'm spending, let her know how much and she'll send a cheque to me.

I feel really uncomfortable about this because I feel as though she's kind of making me go to her and say "Please can I have £1,500? I spent £750 on two radiators, £250 on painting and £500 on carpet". It's like she's forcing me to beg for the money and I feel really uncomfortable about that.

I know I probably am being unreasonable and I know my mum's ridiculously kind to offer to give me some of this money but it's just kind of pissing me off now.

Sorry, I just needed a bit of a rant.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 31/08/2018 16:23

Is there anything wrong with your mum wanting to feel needed? For a long time she was your whole world and you looked to her for everything.
It will be a bittersweet moment the day I feel my son needs me for nothing.

Must remember this myself the next time I'm irrationally annoyed at my mum

soupforbrains · 31/08/2018 16:23

In that case @HowardCoward I think you are over reacting. I'm not sure she is trying to be needed either. Just wants to make sure she's paying enough.

Bite your tongue and accept the lovely lovely gift from your equally lovely mother and then plan how you can spend the money that you had saved for the works yourself

countrywalks1 · 31/08/2018 16:24

Another perspective might be to do with inheritance tax and gifting? Only because she's mentioned about passing it onto you later on anyway.

Might be worth talking to her about her reasons for offerring, and letting her know how you're feeling about the micromanaging.

bobstersmum · 31/08/2018 16:26

She's not forcing you! It's a lovely gesture, just do as she asks and be grateful, or tell her flat or no.

Takfujimoto · 31/08/2018 16:27

"If she wants to help the OP out, it would surely be easier all round if she decided on a sum and gave it to her, to do with as she pleases."

This

It's also incredibly narcissistic to keep repeating or mentioning how you've treated so and so, I have a family member like this (older than me) and I never let them 'treat' me any more, it's incredibly awkward and is used as blackmail.

No thank you!

Vivaldi1678 · 31/08/2018 16:27

She loves you and she wants to help you. You want the money but don't want to feel any sense of obligation. Easy, just say no, 'Thanks Mum, I really appreciate your generous offer, but I am fine, you have done enough for me already, I would much rather you kept the money and spent it on yourself'. Job done.

Excited0803 · 31/08/2018 16:35

You don't know how much she wants to spend; I guess she wants to be involved but it isn't her home and it is intrusive. It would annoy me and I wouldn't want the money like that either. Maybe just say "no thanks" and if she asks why then you can explain. It's up to her what she does with that information.

Original poster

HowardCoward · 31/08/2018 16:39

@Vivaldi1678 I've done that. I genuinely would rather she kept it and blew it on herself but she won't!

Sorry, I know it's a non-issue.

I'm really struggling to explain what is irritating me about it.

OP posts:

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 31/08/2018 16:39

When I was redoing my bathroom my Mum said that she would pay for the renovation because she had bought something for my brother. When she said it I'd already paid the first of three invoices, so I just handed the second over to her and she nearly fainted at the cost and kept mentioning how much I was spending on a bathroom. She thought that was the total amount so I didn't mention the first invoice and just paid the third one when it came in.

It was a nice thing to offer and she did forget about it within a month or so but I do find it uncomfortable. I don't do things until I'm sure I can pay for them so I don't need any help and I could really do without the comments on how I could do it much cheaper (yes, I could, but then I wouldn't get my dream bathroom just an ordinary one). On the other hand refusing help would lead to the same volume of commentary on the subject of why won't I let her, so it's hard to refuse too.

(I remember what she bought my brother, it was a boat. Both my Mum and Dad had reasonably modest tastes for their income level but spent a literal fortune on boats over the years. If I'd known then what I know now I would have had fun pointing out that they could have got a dinghy for much less. )

Original poster

HowardCoward · 31/08/2018 16:40

@Excited0803 She won't take no for an answer! Seriously!

OP posts:

areyoubeingserviced · 31/08/2018 16:44

Op, Is there a back story?
Do you think that your mum is being a tad controlling?

HandOff · 31/08/2018 16:48

I totally get you.

My in-laws like to do this. They want us to ask for the money.

If you don't want it now, just say no thank you.

CSIblonde · 31/08/2018 16:52

That's really odd to want to know item by item how itsspent: It's either a trust or a control issue. Or is she just bit odd re £. Why hasn't she said an amount either. Normal thing would be i'll give you £3K or, I'll buy the carpets/wood floors. Just say maybe two things you need & have done.

nutellanom · 31/08/2018 16:53

I totally get you. You're a financially independent adult who can afford the renovations yourself, but having to ask your mum for the money for the different items puts you into a dynamic when you don't feel like this is so anymore. There's an element of control there from your mum which generally in life you probably manage to avoid since becoming an adult etc.

I have a fairly good relationship with my parents but I would feel the same way!

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2018 16:54

She's not going to just give you a lump sum. That's what annoying you. It comes with strings attached, it has to be for the house and you don't know how much she's willin to give you.

Just give her thr breakdown. Ask her how much she wants to contribute.

LostInShoebiz · 31/08/2018 16:57

I completely get you OP. My mum did exactly the same a little while ago. In the end it was just too awkward to ask her as we were worried the money had been spent elsewhere so we did without.

I wouldn’t have thought twice about asking as a teenager but as an adult it feels so greedy.

zzzzz · 31/08/2018 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cornishclio · 31/08/2018 17:04

It is a bit weird as presumably she knows how much she wants to give you. When we give money to our daughters we just give them an amount and leave it to them as to what they spend it on. Presumably though you are keeping a tally anyway so why not just do that and when you have finished say that you have spent £10000 on the kitchen or £5000 on a bathroom or whatever. Surely she does not want it broken down any further than that?

kaytee87 · 31/08/2018 17:07

Op had clarified that her mum is not asking for a detailed breakdown. She just wants to know how much money to give her once it's all done.

Phineyj · 31/08/2018 17:07

I get where you're coming from. She's stating it's a gift but she's behaving more like a grant funder. You would like to feel like an independent adult. Having been in this position with family, if you don't need the money, I wouldn't take it.

PrincessAvaR · 31/08/2018 17:09

Do you have the kind of relationship where you feel you could explain to her that you feel awkward? You could tell her you're extremely touched by/grateful for her offer and that she's very generous but you would like an idea of how much she was thinking as you don't want to feel like you're taking the piss.

NamedyChangedy · 31/08/2018 17:26

I see where you're coming from OP. It now feels like you have to answer to someone, when you were planning to do it completely independently.

I wouldn't let it get to you - just keep a spreadsheet of your costs as you go along (which you should be doing anyway!!!), and give her the tally when you're all done.

What would have been simpler is if she said "you know what, I have £5,000 to spare. Here you go, you can use this on the house". Then you wouldn't feel like you're being tracked.

Poppyinagreenfield · 31/08/2018 17:27

We had exactly the same thing happened to us and felt duly awkward and uncomfortable having to go and ask for money piece by piece. We couldn’t be arsed. Didn’t get anything.

bubbles108 · 31/08/2018 17:31

Turn it around @HowardCoward

By not allowing your DM to give to you in the way she chooses, you're being controlling.

AbbieLexie · 31/08/2018 17:35

Could you say to your mum that tax might need paid on sums she gifts you? Stick to the amount she's allowed to gift without any problems.

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