My mum making me ask for money she wants to give to me...

[HowardCoward]

I'm doing up my house, which is costing shit-tonnes of money.

I have the money to do it.

My mum recently came into some money which she's adamant she wants to give to me to help me do up my house. Her reasoning is that I'll get it all when she's dead so I might as well have it now.

I get that. I don't need the money but, obviously, I'd be happy for the additional support. I know I'm fortunate to be in this situation.

However, my mum keeps asking me to keep a tally of everything I'm spending, let her know how much and she'll send a cheque to me.

I feel really uncomfortable about this because I feel as though she's kind of making me go to her and say "Please can I have £1,500? I spent £750 on two radiators, £250 on painting and £500 on carpet". It's like she's forcing me to beg for the money and I feel really uncomfortable about that.

I know I probably am being unreasonable and I know my mum's ridiculously kind to offer to give me some of this money but it's just kind of pissing me off now.

Sorry, I just needed a bit of a rant.

so..its fab you already have the £ to do it, its lovely your mum wants to contribute..its kinda problemish that you feel like shes "holding you accountable"(when clearly you were gonna do what you like anyhow).has she specified an amount.can you ask her?or is she paying the lot. ??..if..as you said you have the funds to do anyway..does that mean you could upgrade or go lush version of something??...OR could you maybe(as also said feel youd rather she blasted it onself/she wont)perhaps rework it so she treats you both to a luxuryish hoiday together so you can enjoy together? c/o renovation can be draining.perhaps

Do you know a ball park figure, has she thought she might need it for care later? have you got siblings who are also getting something?I think it would be better if she decided how much she can spare, or what she would like to pay for. I would say I'll pay for your boiler, or I have £2k towards your heating and just send it to you. Unless I was buying a kettle for your birthday in which case I would ask you if you had a preference and just buy it or choose one. I get that she doesn't want to give you cash that just goes into general household expenses, or your holiday fund. She wants to know what she has paid for and think that is a gift from her. That's reasonable, though if I had a windfall I might just share the cash and hope people would say 'thanks, I bought... or I'm saving that for...'
I think I would invite her round to see the work in progress, or finished project. If she mentions it again just say you want an indication, how embarrassing to ask for£20k when she was thinking £2, has she any idea what things cost, are you a high end shopper and she a bargain hunter?
I think she's just being a bit clumsy, say that's fine but if you want to pay for the boiler it's£... you can send flowers or treat her as a thank you if you want to

I’d be tempted to just keep things simple and tell her “I’ve had all the estimates in and it’s going to be £2000. Put the kettle on.”

And if she wants more specifics, just keep repeating that.

I do understand where you're coming from, as it can be awkward but I don't think she means it in anyway other that 'give me the total and I'' pay".

When me and DP bought our first home she said as a gift she would buy us a house alarm (we were broken into in our rental and she's worried ever since) and just 'get it installed and we'll pay'. Which was nice and completely fine because it was almost like you roughly knew the costs.

She's said something similar for our wedding. She's said to 'ask for money' and they'll pay for stuff. But then, how much do we ask for? Is there a pisstake limit? Do they want to pay more / less than my parents? It's complicated and puts you in an awkward position.

In your own head decide that you are paying for the house renovations and your mum's money is "extra". Name a sum you are comfortable with and, over time, use some or all of it to do something nice with or for your mum.

Maybe choose some big ticket items, like roof re-done, all the carpets or similar and suggest she pays for those.

Alternatively, get a separate credit card used only for renovation expenses so that she can help pay off some months and you can share the spend more easily. Obviously set it to pay off in full each month.

Could you pick one thing eg new couches and get them in her name ..its something she can see when she comes around. Go out shopping together to look at new ones?Or is she saying she will pay for everything but needs to see the bill.
Could you ask her what her budget is as you don't want to go over that so then you would know what her money would stretch to. I know she is being generous but its awkward having to run things by her.

I'd have been ever so grateful if my mum had ever wanted to give me money.

I completely understand OP, my mum does this and it's her way to baby/control me. I know people say oh what a problem to have, but actually, money creates a bizarre dynamic where you feel grateful for the cash but also like a teenager asking for or receiving shopping money.

My mum always offers to pay for things but then also wants an input into what I buy. She offered to pay for my winter coat when I went off to University... "Ohh no that's not nice, this is much better... (translation: more to her taste) I can find this much cheaper in X shop instead..."

Over the years I've just been really firm and refused everything. No thank you mum, I don't need this, I already have that, we paid for this already (even if I don't or haven't). I can't even accept a coffee because she'll foist a cake I didn't want on to me. And if I dare complain or not eat it then I'm rude and rejecting her love! I know she's being motherly in her own way, but it's suffocating.

We are also buying a house and my dad has offered to do the decorating... But the thought of them two arguing with me over my choice of door and wallpaper makes me feel sick. It'll ruin the experience.

If I were you I would say thanks mum very kind but we've got this covered, we already paid for this that and the other...

Op if your mum is generally lovely and kind just kindly thank her.

My mum might have done the same but from super sweet maybe slightly misguided pov.

She doesn't have controlling bone in her body.

Pils on the the other hand.... Wow. Fuck me.

Mil wants to choose everything, control everything..... It's not from a nice place at all.

Yy pickled it's stifling.

Mil offered to buy pram, thought she meant give us money towards it not actually go out and choose it herself. She has stifled and ruined everything.

OP - I totally understand, my Mum is the same, lovely heart but stifling , exactly as PickledElectricity just said. My DM loves to give, do things, even if unwanted. She has a real need to be loved and needed and it's exacerbated since my father died, she was his carer at the end and she loved that role. She comes to my house and will do something unwanted, unasked - and says 'you can't stop me' giggle, giggle e.g. Let's say she got a duster out and decided to dust and polish a room. I try and take deep breaths, ignore, and let her get on with it, but she won't just do it , she would then prompt me saying ' oh did you see I did so and so' and I always reply - I don't want you doing anything in my house etc but she just titters away like a schoolgirl as if she's being charming and I love her doing stuff really.

Money-wise my Mum is the same , and I know exactly what you mean when you feel churlish even commenting negatively. Maybe try saying that you would appreciate a small donation but just don't list out the detail. Even writing this down I can feel this won't work as I could see my Mum doing the same. I'm now at the point that I don't take any money and just repeat, enjoy your money while you have it, go on lots of holidays.

My DM comes every week as she does some childcare, which I appreciate, but she has to bring groceries. I've asked her not to, but she always sneaks something in. When she's gone I'll go to the food cupboard and spot a packet of pasta sneaked in that wasn't there before. Or a pack of carrots or something, or some teabags. I don't even comment on these now, and just let her have her little game.

Is DM assuring herself that the money is not bering squandered eg on one fancy sofa rather than useful or needed items. i think maybe old habits die hard and she was always careful what she spent. I would humour her with a list of expenditure up to her amount.

After your update, I think you’re being ridiculous if I’m honest.

You say you can pay for it yourself, so pay for it yourself. After it’s done, you can tell your mum how much it cost and pay off any debts incurred or top your savings back up with whatever she gives you.

You’re in a ridiculously enviable position and your mum just wants to feel that you appreciate being given thousands of pounds which sounds highly reasonable to me.

Sorry you sound both unreasonable and ungrateful. It sounds like she just wants to know a breakdown of what her gift of money went for. How is that making you "beg for money"? 🙄

When I send thank you cards for money or gift cards I've received as presents I usually tell them what I used it for or will be using it for. I don't see this as much different, it's just human curiosity.

Just give her the list and say thank you!

My DM comes every week as she does some childcare, which I appreciate, but she has to bring groceries. I've asked her not to, but she always sneaks something in. When she's gone I'll go to the food cupboard and spot a packet of pasta sneaked in that wasn't there before. Or a pack of carrots or something, or some teabags. I don't even comment on these now, and just let her have her little game.

Little game?! She’s trying to take care of you, she’s your Mum. I get why that might feel infantilising sometimes but surely now you have kids you understand to some extent?

And she does childchare for you! Our only living parent, MIL, hasn’t so much as watched the twins for an hour since they were born 2 years ago, and she definitely doesn’t do thoughtful things like shopping.

Some people need to take a step back and look again at their “problems”

Afraid I think YABU. Unless there’s a backstory, to me it’s reasonablw that your mum wants to give you money for something concrete rather than a nebulous amount which would leave her wondering- did she give you too little and leave you short? Has she given you too much and actually could have hung on to some of that for herself?

Like a PP, it’s considered good manners in my family to reply to a birthday cash gift with “thanks so much, I bought/am going to buy xxx”. Almost more so if you’re giving to someone who’s financially not in need of the money. My grandma doesn’t want to give me money that’ll just go on groceries or the pension or whatever, she wants me to have a treat around the time of my birthday. Same kind of thing here.

I think a good compromise would be to say that the estimate is xxx as a PP has said. Maybe tell your DM that you are feeling uncomfortable spending “her” money in case you make decisions she might later think are too extravagant, so could she give you the money and then you could use it/top it up as you please.

£750 for two radiators!!! you need to shop around.

Misses point of thread.

My DD is like you OP, I have spare cash, she has a money pit, but Ms Independence won't take a penny. It's frustrating because I just want to see her living in a warm, finished , comfortable house, not a building site, but her casa her rules as they say.

Taking the view that you should never look a gift horse in the mouth I would just say that you’d really like a new front door (for example) which is going to cost x amount, and that it would be lovely if she could buy that for you.
If she starts to quibble on the price or the style you’ve chosen then that would be my cue to open up a debate about her offer to help you financially. I wouldn’t be prepared to buy something I didn’t want just because she was buying it for me.
My mum and dad have been generous to a fault over the years, but apart from weddings they have never given any of us a lump sum,- their gifts of money have always to been to buy specific things or have specific things done. Like a lot of people they like to see something concrete for their money and I see nothing wrong with this at all.

I'm really struggling to explain what is irritating me about it.

And I’m struggling to,understand

This resonates with me. I understand how you feel and also that you feel somehow your feelings aren’t justified. It’s really complex loosening the parental apron strings from both ends. When money gets involved it’s even more tricky. My beloved mother recently offered to give me some money (which she could afford and on basis ‘better now than when I’m dead’) but spent a very long awkward period suggesting alternatives to actual money (complex premium bond type transfers etc etc). It felt as though she needed me to say ‘no I’d really like ready cash’ which I didn’t need to say and didn’t want to say. In the end we had a good talk about how she’ll always be my mum and I’ll always be her daughter and how hard it is to work through what that means as we both get older. Also how amazing it was she had worked and saved throughout her life etc etc. I did say I’d prefer cash if she wanted to give me cash but that there was no need. Sometimes even just a simple enquiry from her re what kind (price is what she means) of hotel I’ve stayed in etc sets off the ‘control/judgment’ radar in me which I then turn off. It’s taken me decades to find that off switch easily.

Maybe she just feels out of touch with how much a renovation costs ? If you are in the middle of it, it might all seem bindingly obvious to you, but not to her. ‘ Tell me how much and I’ll give you the money’ sounds rational and wonderfully generous. Unless there is some weird backstory, I don’t see how that offer translates to ‘Asking me to beg’

TammySwansonTwo - I always do try and step back and appreciate she does it from a good place, she is a very loving mum. However, if you don't live it you don't know what it's like. I am 50, not 15. I don't need childcare particularly. It's just a school run which she enjoys and wants to do something now being a widow. She likes to see the kids once a week and it's nice for them to see Nanna. She can be quite over powering though. for example she once said to DD in front of both of us-' who do you love most Mummy or Nanna' but framed it as just joking . If I am sat on the sofa and DD comes over to me for a cuddle Nanna will always say 'awww doesn't Nanna get a cuddle, Mummy sees you all week' etc
I know she's loving but it does feel like I'm an internally rolling eyes teenager. So I bite my tongue. The older2 DC don't have much to do with her particularly as she is quite smothering.
I know i'm lucky having a loving caring mother, and I don't complain in real life.

You are 50, then that explains a lot. I had assumed from your posts that you were probably in your 20s, first home, limited funds etc. Obviously at 50, you don't need guidance or supervision. I would expect that the roles would be reversing and you would be starting to take care of your mother.

Assuming your mother is 75-85, it makes sense for her to be giving away cash if she can afford it, as long as she has enough money to fund any care requirements. But wouldn't it be much better for her to be putting money away for her grandchildren, school fees, university, house deposit, whatever? Presumably, at 50, you are financially sorted, so no point in paying two lots of IHT.

It's just her way. She doesn't want to offer too little.

My mum can be way too generous, my partner found that out recently. I got hurt badly and my dad took me to hospital then home and my partner went with my mum to the shop to get some food as I wouldn't be able to drive for a while. He said we were fine on most things, just needed basics like milk, bread and butter. She ignored him and they came back with pizzas, pies, chicken, veg, fruit, biscuits etc. He did try to stop her, but eventually gave up as she doesn't listen.