AIBU to ask what your relationship is like?

[revertius]

I know I'm BU to compare my relationship to others but I'm genuinely curious here. I want to know if I expect to much. If my standards are too high.

So please tell me about your relationships.

How long have you been together?

Do you have date nights? If so, how often? Who instigates?

What little things do they do to show their love for you and what do you do to show them?

How do you split household tasks? Do they help or does it all fall to you? Do they begrudge helping?

What do you expect of them and what do they expect of you?

Can you talk about how you feel, any issues you have? Do they listen?

Do they surprise you? Good or bad?

Do they make you feel special? Loved? If so, how?

Do they make you feel attractive like they can't get enough of you or do you feel ignored?

lot of lazy journo threads on here recently.

@troodiedoo I'm not a journo 😂👌🏼

Just someone who is feeling lost and genuinely looking to understand whether I expect too much from my partner. First relationship so zero to compare it too.

what do you currently expect from your partner then?

@troodiedoo I guess I expect to feel special, loved, supported and a lot of the time I don't feel any of those.

As I said, first relationship so nothing to compare too.

I want to know whether this is normal for relationships.

Why don’t you tell us what yours is like.

I’m guessing he makes you feel ignored. He doesn’t make you feel attractive. He leaves all of the grunt work of the house to you. And he never shows his love for you.

Am I right?

@BitOutOfPractice that's what it feels like at times, yes.

Been together 2 years, he's step dad to my three kids and we also have one together.
Household tasks fall to me mostly as I'm home during the day and he works full time, but he does help when he comes home as with young children/ babies its hard to finish everything and weekends are equal.

He makes me feel very attractive and I am attracted to him very much, we have sex every day, and give other massages, cuddles, kisses and stuff to like that to show affection.

We don't really have date nights as such as with young kids it's hard, however we do sit and watch and film and have a takeaway once a week and spend time together every evening.

My expectations when we got together were that he would remain faithful and loyal to me and accept and love my children. He has done this and in a way, surprised me that he has taken them as his own. He surprises me in that I never thought a relationship could feel so good.

Well no, that’s not how it should feel ideally. And I’m guessing you’re it know that.

I don’t mean it should be hearts and flowers and big romantic guestures on a daily basis. But you should always feel loved and valued. Always.

My previous relationship was awful so even though I've had relationships before, this has been a learning experience for me.

Crikey, where do I start. Married 40yrs. No love between us. He's never done any household chores. He expects me to do everything. Doesn't listen when I try to explain how I feel. As for telling me I'm attractive........hmm.. he told me I was a fat bastard a couple of months ago. I have been on a diet ever since, and have lost nearly two stone, not for him, but for me, because as soon as I get my figure and confidence back, I'm off!

Good luck April. you sound focused and determined. have you seen dietland?

In fact, can you not just get rid of him and lose the weight in your own time afterwards? It's easier when you arne't with someone who is grinding you down.

Yeah you should always feel loved and supported

I've been with my fiance for 2 and a half years. We have date nights, he's kind to me, always tells me I'm beautiful, always makes me feel wanted and loved. That's how it should be.

Married 39 years, I'm so loved, he's my best friend. Housework is split 50/50 now we are retired. He can't cook but I can't garden so we compliment each other.
I've been very lucky this was my first and only relationship. I had no role model as parents marriage was abusive, not just to each other but us children as well.
My older brother has also been married to his first love for over 40 years.

I can tell you my experience. DH always makes me feel loved and supported. Even when I'm being quite unreasonable he will listen to me and tell me he understands (even if doesn't agree).

No relationship is perfect. We don't have date nights anything like often enough but we both agree this is something we want to put more effort into. We have a young DC and both work full time so sometimes we are just wiped out with not much left to give! We do argue sometimes, but not much.

The main thing I treasure is that we respect one another, this is reflected in how we speak to each other, consideration for each other's needs and understanding for each other's behaviour. Once the respect goes I think you're onto a losing streak and everything else is much harder to deal with.

Oh, and we've been together ten years.

I am single but I have never been in a really good relationship. Hearing about people like chocolatecoffeeaddict and the relationship she has makes me cry on days like today.

I have had several long term relationships, the longest and most recent with the father of my children. Superficially all of these men have been very different from each other but the relationships have all followed the same pattern. none I believe was unfaithful to me; but I worked very hard in each one for very little in return. I started out in each case full of hope, showered the man with affection and attention and emotional and domestic labour; received attention and nice words and physical affection in return; over time became very boring to the man in question until he was barely interested in my company and was blatantly freeloading / cocklodging. In all cases but one there was low level DV against me. In each case my confidence was shattered over time in all areas not obviously to do with the relationship, as well as feeling unattractive and unlovable.

I am supposed to be working right now but I'm having one of those days where I just can't shake myself out of feeling so sad that no one has ever really loved me

@YeahCorvid I feel the same quite often.

Sometimes I feel like I have given everything, mind, body and soul and get so very little in return.

Been together nine years, married, 1st DC on the way, we were best friends for a long time first and it's stayed that way. He's more affectionate than I am but I've definitely grown to appreciate and reciprocate over the years. We've always done a lot of stuff together, I don't consider it date night, but we go for meals, live music, cinema. We also just go out for days to places we'll both enjoy on a regular basis, and holiday at least three times a year (some cheap and cheerful city breaks, we're not loaded). I feel like a fat hairy yeti since being pregnant, but DH is still complimentary about little things rather than in a cliché way, he'll notice a new outfit, or different way I've done my hair, new earrings etc. We are both quite opinionated and forthright but communicate openly and don't always agree on everything, by that's ok, or values and beliefs are the same which is what counts. We split all household tasks and chores, have a joint account for all household spends and a few savings accounts joint and individual, we end up with the same personal spends each month. I earn more than he does but he's ambitious and progressing at work/taking on extra study which I find attractive. We have joint friends and social lives but also separate hobbies and interests, were both confident to spend time apart as well as together. It's not perfect (leaves his pants on the bathroom floor, will tell me the entire detailed plot of whatever he's reading/has watched, can be a bit of a collector which could escalate if not challenged) but it's the right relationship for me.

@FASH84 that sounds amazing and I'm feeling envious. That sounds like a truly beautiful partnership.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just nitpicking, whether I do actually have it good but it's hard to work out. If I do, then why do I feel like this?

YeahCorvid, I'm sorry if my post upset you, I didn't mean to. Before him I was with someone who was emotionally abusive and I was miserable. But I couldn't end it as I felt bound to him in some way and I didn't want to be single. But it took having time out from relationships and just being a single mum to my kids. It was lonely at times but it made me strong.
When my partner came along I really wasn't expecting him to be the way he is as most men seem to take what they want and fuck me over, but I think being single a while made me wise up and gain respect for myself. I feel so lucky that I have him and he says he feels the same about me. There's been times I've tried to push him away as I was looking to find fault but now I'm just accepting that I am loved.
You really never know what's round the corner and there will be someone who's right for you.

Sorry to hear that revertius

What I would say, if it is worth taking advice from a loser like me, is that it is very rare for men to settle in and then change. I know one case only where a woman really managed to get her husband to change his attitude for the better and she really was on the way out the door and meant it. Most men won't or can't change, even if they would actually be happier in a loving caring relationship they can't stop themselves being selfish shits if they're that way inclined.

I don't think you can have a good relationship without being loving and generous and I don't think it was wrong of me to be so. I just picked the wrong men. I have been dating for a year since being single and have been really careful and emotionally and practically self contained. What I have realised is that you don't have real connection by being that way and you don't end up with a rewarding relationship, even if you only want a FWB you have to take the F part seriously and be as open and kind as you would with real friends. the trouble is that then the whole thing will just happen again, like it did before. Nice men are like hen's teeth.

Together 10 years and date nights happen every couple of weeks when we can get child care.

I am Sahm on mat leave so do most of the house work - he didn’t do any unless asked. We look after the kids 50/50 when he’s home though.

I’m an extrovert he’s an introvert so he finds it hard to talk about feelings and I sometimes overshare mine. This can be frustrating but ultimately he opens up to me more than anyone else and we work through problems together. He listens to me and takes onboard what I say (and vice versa).

We don’t surprise each other or make each other feel special particularly. But we are in love and I am still very attached to him. Our sex life is great - and he still makes -me feel attractive. All in all I’d say we had a pretty normal relationship. 100% wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanks, Chocolate. You didn't upset me, I am just that way inclined today :) I am happy for them whenever I hear about women in good relationships and you deserve it

Only been together a year and we adore each other. Such deep intimacy. We have so much fun together, real laugh out loud fun!

Caring, thoughtful presents, we spend hours talking and walking... *Sigh

But we don't live together, and like I say it's only been a year so prob a bit early to compare!

We've been together 10 years. He tells me he loves me every day, tells me I'm beautiful. We laugh lots, he supports me through my disability, he's interested in my day, takes me anywhere I want to go, buys me flowers, cooks for me, washes my car, does the housework, notices when I've had my hair done, paints my toenails for me.

It's the little things that matter, and knowing that you have your partner's support, feeling loved and valued as you are.