AIBU to ask what your relationship is like?

[revertius]

I know I'm BU to compare my relationship to others but I'm genuinely curious here. I want to know if I expect to much. If my standards are too high.

So please tell me about your relationships.

How long have you been together?

Do you have date nights? If so, how often? Who instigates?

What little things do they do to show their love for you and what do you do to show them?

How do you split household tasks? Do they help or does it all fall to you? Do they begrudge helping?

What do you expect of them and what do they expect of you?

Can you talk about how you feel, any issues you have? Do they listen?

Do they surprise you? Good or bad?

Do they make you feel special? Loved? If so, how?

Do they make you feel attractive like they can't get enough of you or do you feel ignored?

Together three years, getting married this coming May. We naturally seem to split chores 50/50 though I can't remember a time when we've had to be on at each other about doing something like hoovering or washing up, we both just get on with what needs doing. If we do have a a date night as it were, it's usually a spontaneous "fancy dinner out tonight?" our special date nights are usually spent at home with a cooked meal, drinks, candlelight etc so we can just be with each other. For the real smushy bit, my fiance is my absolute best friend, I have never felt as loved, supported and cared for as I do with him. I absolutely adore the pants off of him, and he feels the same for me. The man rubs my feet nearly every night, makes me tea every morning, and tells me he loves me every day. I love him with everything I have and laugh endlessly with him. I truly believe that if you don't feel this way with your partner, you're maybe not with the right person.

Well, most of you are making me very jealous

I meant every two weeks, not every two nights!
OP, I genuinely thought I was incapable of love, which sounds very dramatic, I know I really think you deserve better and I don't think there's anything wrong in being picky when it comes to your partner
At the end of the day, you don't HAVE to be with someone. A partner is someone who you should want to share your life with and ride into your elder years together

Been together 10 years. He never says 'i love you' (apart from when I was giving birth and I looked shocked at him thinking this is serious haha!). He's not romantic in traditional sense, no flowers etc. But, I feel totally loved and really happy. We're equals, it's a partnership. Our love is demonstrated in all the little things like making each other a cup of tea, a hug, sharing a book/song we love etc. We really listen to each other, there's honesty and respect, lots of hugs and affection, laughter. He'll occasionally surprise me for my birthday or something with something handmade that has a lot of meaning.

I probably do most housework atm as I'm part time, but he did all housework and cooking when dc was a baby. He's tidier than me, but I'm a better cook so end up cooking most. I'd say we're pretty even, and pretty happy.

10 years together engaged for 9. 5year old 4 year old and a 1year old with autism and quite bad health. We manage to actually go out for dates about 4 times a year as our families are little to no help. However we do enjoy watching films and snuggling,playing board games etc as frequently as we can. Mini date nights indoors I suppose.
I do all the household jobs out of choice as im a full time carer for youngest and at home so I do all the housework. Dp works nights and often a fair bit of overtime however he does pull his weight with dog. This morning hes come off a full night shift and had no sleep and spent all day ripping the bedroom out and decorating... and will be doing all weekend.
We do have a lot on our shoulders and do argue every now and then as im sure most couples do. But we are regularly pretty mushy and affectionate. Never spend a day without speaking, if hes at work we still text etc. So all in all pretty good I must say. We do have a lot of stress with the kids etc with having no help at all but we manage ok I like to think.

Oh and still looks at me like I'm the only woman in the world. Makes me feel amazing very regularly and we still are all over each other as we were when we met

And even after 3 kids and 7 years he makes my head fizzy when he kisses me.

He is a messy bugger mind you.

Op life is to short to settle. If he isn't your best friend, doesn't make you laugh and doesn't make you feel secure safe and loved. Get out now and find someone who makes you feel like the best version of you. Sounds corny I know but I had a couple of relationships before my dp and can safely say I thought I knew what love was all about,then I met him. Don't sell yourself short

Diy not dog haha

How long have you been together? 4 years

Do you have date nights? If so, how often? Who instigates? No, have 2 under 2 so been breastfeeding or pregnant for over 2 years so not been away from them.

What little things do they do to show their love for you and what do you do to show them? Umm, cuddle, talk? Nothing specific

How do you split household tasks? Do they help or does it all fall to you? Do they begrudge helping? All falls to me but I'm a SAHM currently.

What do you expect of them and what do they expect of you? Again can't think of anything specific. Just to communicate well and consider when the other is tired and help out more then.

Can you talk about how you feel, any issues you have? Do they listen? Yes.

Do they surprise you? Good or bad? Not really either.

Do they make you feel special? Loved? If so, how? Yes, but again nothing specific just general day to day life.

Do they make you feel attractive like they can't get enough of you or do you feel ignored? Yes but obviously not in a 'just started dating' way

Two years together, we met later in life and it is second time around for both of us.

We are equals. He shows me he cares in silly little ways, things like this morning when I got home from nights, he had left a coffee cup and a slice of bread on the countertop (I can't hold bread to slice it at the moment) for my breakfast and when I got upstairs he had rigged up a blanket at the window to keep the light out so I could sleep.

He is happy to tell me he loves me. He doesn't stop me from going out with friends. He doesn't criticise how I dress. He tells me I am beautiful (I am not but he sees me as beautiful). We don't go on many dates but we do have days out where we wander the lanes. He is equally happy to potter at home, we split the chores (although he seems to always mow the lawn and I am the bathroom fairy) and he cooks when I am working late or on nights. He is one of the calmest most even tempered people I have ever met. There are times when some of his habits make me want to remove his organs with a rusty nail but his good points far outweigh his bad.

@Changedforpost He does make me feel secure. He is my best friend. I know he does love me.

At times though I feel unhappy. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I don't feel loved. Or important. Or special.

I feel taken for granted.

Sometimes I feel like there's no spark left. Like he loves me but he makes no effort on our relationship or on me.

@Revertius surely if you feel this way it could be that the dynamic has changed into more of a friendship?sometimes it's easy to get comfortable and take each other for granted. I've found a relationship is something that needs constant work to keep it alive. Maybe you just need to reignite the spark and mix things up again.

@Changedforpost It has definitely got comfortable.

I've given up trying to keep the spark going. I worked so hard trying to keep our relationship alive and put so much effort in. Got zero in return. I spoke to my partner about it 100's of times. Still nothing changed. Still he never put in any more effort.

I feel like if it hasn't already; it is certainly dying.

Together 15 yrs, no children at home. I broke my back a few years ago which has left me with mobility problems and chronic pain.

We don't have date nights, but when we feel we've been busy a lot and not had a lot of time for each other we make a point of having a free weekend, just for us
He brings me a cup of tea in the mornings when he's home, he never puts me down, he's always there for me.

Household tasks are split into ones I can do and ones I can't. I don't work

We don't do surprises.

He does make me feel loved in that my accident has not only changed my life but also his and he has never complained about that.

How long have you been together?
6 years total (although had the odd couple of months when we split up )

Do you have date nights? If so, how often? Who instigates?
We don't call them date nights, but yes about once a week we go out for dinner/cinema. We also try to book weekends away a few times a year. Nobody instigates as such, as its just the routine we've got into, but he probably leads more than me on a general basis.

What little things do they do to show their love for you and what do you do to show them? Every evening we're together (about 3 or 4 times a week) he will give me an awesome foot rub until his hands cramp up and I will tickle his back (his fave thing ever). I always make him tea and offer to cook him whatever he fancies (if he sees something on TV and says "ooh that looks nice" I will pop out to the kitchen and make it!) He will bring me lunch round when I'm working and don't have time to stop. He brings me 'random Tuesday' flowers for no reason at all, just when he sees them.

How do you split household tasks? Do they help or does it all fall to you? Do they begrudge helping? We don't live together and his lack of domesticity is one of the reasons why! He isn't naturally adept around the house, more used to paying for DIY jobs and leaving housework to anyone else (he has live-in help for his DCs so doesn't have to be very active in the house )

What do you expect of them and what do they expect of you? I expect him to make time for me, to put our relationship first sometimes so that I feel cherished, to be utterly honest and open, and to make me happy.

Can you talk about how you feel, any issues you have? Do they listen? We've definitely got better at this over the years. We both have counselling for separate issues so we're good at talking in general, but things get very heated and he gets defensive when he is criticised so that's an area I'd like to improve at our couples counselling sessions.

Do they surprise you? Good or bad? Yes, in good ways, with little tokens, chocolate, flowers, messages throughout the day saying he's thinking of me etc.

Do they make you feel special? Loved? If so, how? As above, also he's amazing and very generous in bed.

Do they make you feel attractive like they can't get enough of you or do you feel ignored? I'm in my 40s and weigh 14 stone and he makes me feel like I'm irresistible! He compliments me all the time and can't keep his hands off me when we're together. He also makes a point of turning off any games on his iPad/phone etc when I come in the room, as he doesn't want to be 'that guy'. We sit together on the sofa and cuddle up to watch TV together. We do have the odd 20 minutes when we do our own thing sometimes, but most of the time we're together, we're properly paying attention to each other.

I think it's easy to get into a rut where you're not cherishing each other, but then someone has to break the cycle and when you're not feeling loved you don't really feel like it do you?

I think the best thing is to have a serious talk, say that you've reached the end of the road with things as they are. Tell him what you want from a relationship and that if he can't give it to you (presuming you still want him to) then you'll need to split up so that you can both find happiness elsewhere. Life is too short to be in a miserable marriage. Then give it a time frame, say you'll reevaluate in say 6 months - long enough to get into new patterns, but not too long that you'll let it slide! - then see if he's able to make you feel loved and special.

Of course to start with it will feel contrived, but maybe you need to push through that somehow. Is there any way one of you could move out, to maybe try dating again? Bring back some mystery? At the very least you need to take the relationship out of the house so that it's not all dishwashers and laundry.

@MyRelationshipIsWeird I tried having a talk with him the other day. I said we needed to talk about exactly what we both wanted and expected from our relationship, etc.

He told me what he wanted was for me to stop asking him complicated questions that he can't answer.

We've been together 4 years, was all sunshine and daisy's in the beginning - a dog, 2 kids and 2 house moves later its all lost its sparkle a bit but I know he appreciates me, he often passes a comment about how he couldn't do my job (I'm a sahm). As for housework etc he will run the hoover round on a Saturday morning before his mother arrives and will do a load of washing or 2 on a Sunday afternoon (when me and the kids are out and he has his personal time, it's also to make sure his work gear is clean and dried for the following week) but apart from that I do everything else. Don't really have date nights but get every Saturday afternoon together when we will go get something to eat before doing the weekly shop.

As for do they listen? No. Most of the time my 5 month old son listens more, but If I have a problem with him I'll text him. But I'll be sure to read it through and make sure I've got down everything I need to say without being on the attack, because when we talk he goes straight on the defensive and then I don't get to say what I need to and we fall out. So this way I say it all and he reads it all without interruption, works for us.

You won't like this but he probably is happy with comfortable and unromantic. Men won't change . You deserve butterflies ... just my opinion

We’ve been together 6 years, getting married next year. We have two sons, own our own house. We were best friends for around 5 years prior to becoming a couple and we have maintained that basis to our relationship.

Household chores, the cleaning/cooking is split 50/50 but I definitely manage the mental load near enough completely own my own. It doesn’t feel that way, and OH does more of the childcare to balance it out. He takes them out every Saturday morning for football and breakfast so I get a lie in, and time to watch whatever TV show I have recorded. This isn’t something I do for OH but I would readily if he asked!

I feel very loved by him. Although we don’t have sex everyday, we definitely show affection everyday (although him more than me). We have sex around twice a week. Sometimes more, also sometimes less depending on what else is going on.

My OH compliments me regularly, as do I him. We don’t have date nights as such, although we do go for occasion meals out, as both of our children are under 5 with one still not settling without me. We do loads of family days, every Saturday and Sunday we explore with our boys, doing country walks etc. It’s always something I love, and look forward to.

My OH makes me laugh, he is kind, and thoughtful in a way that I’ve never known anyone to be. I am absolutely still in love and attracted to him. I can’t imagine my life without him.

Honestly? I have to convince myself that I deserve him everyday. He’s wonderful. Met when I was 17 and he was 28. Was supposed to be a one night stand but he never left. We married after 6 months. We split up for 18 months when I mental health was really bad and I went off the rails. I had a baby with a violent man. We reconnected when my baby was about 18 months old and got back together. Haven’t spent a day apart since. My DD calls him daddy and we now have a son too. He’s the best person I know, tell me loves me everyday, puts up with my general craziness, takes me out in a date night every week.... he’s the kind of man that every woman deserves.

revertius - that's crap Well if he won't even engage with the basics then there's not much you can do single handedly to fix things. It takes two to fix it and it sounds like he's not willing to even think about it, let alone change anything. As sad as it sounds, I think you have to face facts that its over and start getting your life in order to move on. There is lots of help and advice available on here if you do

@MyRelationshipIsWeird I'm starting to see that it needs both of us to fix things

I don't want to walk away though...We have a two month old

Been together for ten years, but we went to school together. He asked me out in Year 10 and I said no as he was too short for me FB and a mate reunited us.
We don't really have date nights; we usually get a babysitter once a year for our anniversary! We're both boring and enjoy staying in. Crunchyroll and chill.
My husband make s me drinks all the time. I hate making drinks lol.
He works full time and I'm a housewife, so I run the home. I t works for us and our fami ly. We're best mates, tell each other everything, we've seen each other at our worst, and best. He's the one person other than myself tha t I trust 100% - we have each other's backs.
He treats me better than I've ever been before in my life, and yeah makes me feel attractive lol.
This is the slushiest, mo st sentimental thing I've ever written vom