Grandma Won't Keep To Schedule.

[dadoftandb]

Hi all, apologies for the wall of text, just looking for some impartial perspective regarding an issue that has arisen recently.

My MIL until recently visited her GC once a week, but having started getting more serious with her new BF she has started skipping the schedule and visiting whenever she feels (Perhaps more accurately; she fits the GC around her new BF).

This evening the wife got upset and gave her an earful, to summarise: While during the school holidays a fast and loose schedule was okay, once school resumes she can only visit when it's convenient.

Unfortunately what's convenient for us interferes with her time with the BF.

Are we being unreasonable to try and dictate the specific days she can visit the kids or not.

Has anyone had any experience with a similar situation?

Poor woman!

Its not 'dictating' if you let people know when its convenient for them to visit your home and family. Its also massively unfair on kids for the adults who are supposed to be close to them to just flit in and out of their lives when they feel like it.

Surely in a loving family you just make arrangements a little bit in advance and are flexible with each other as much as you can be? You and “the wife” sound jealous of her mother’s relationship- don’t you think it’s a good thing she has found a partner?

"Dictate" suggests that there is a tense relationship between you two.

There needs to be some discussion about how to work things out in a way that works for everyone. It needs to be a kind and civilized discussion.

It's not "horrible" for parents to have some sort of limits on when someone comes round, because busy families have stuff they have to fit in like homework, afterschool, extra-curriculars, bedtimes and so on. It's not always OK for people to just show up when they want.

This isn't horrible. Your children need stability. You're not required to fit visiting around Grandma's schedule, especially if she's retired. Nor are you obligated to entertain her when it's not convenient.

If she is getting serious about her BF surely that's a good thing? I'm sure her grandchildren are important but they aren't the most important thing in her world. She (presumably) put her own children front and centre in her life, but that doesn't mean her grandchildren should be too.

Really though, it boils down to a simple question: do you and your DW want your children to have a relationship with their DGM? If yes, compromise - visits arranged in advance but not necessarily a specific day of the week. If no, just carry on with your current plan.

Also, giving someone "an earful" is never acceptable. Speak respectfully or not at all.

It does sound as though you disapprove of your MIL having a life of her own (and that her own DD also disapproves.) Yes, it's fair enough to ask her to come at times that are convenient for you, but you don't get to issue orders to her. Would you and your DW be as pissy about it if she'd taken up bingo, or joined a knitting club, or is it just that you are both appalled at the idea of her having an active sex life?

Depends why it’s convenient for you only on certain days and when it is she wants to visit...

I mean if she’s trying to visit on a day the DC have something on, it turns up at bedtime that’s obviously going to be an issue.

But if it’s just because it’s unscheduled not so much - tbh I think having a schedule for a family member to visit is a bit odd unless there’s some sort of issue there already...

It depends why you want to set days

What? Just let her mum visit when she's free and accept that sometimes she's not. She has a life of her own, let her enjoy it.

They still have a relationship with Grandma.

Grandma will probably be a happier more chilled grandma because she's getting some loving.

Don't be controlling. It seems like you/ 'the wife' are jealous of the boyfriend

I have a DM who flits in and out at her convenience, and she doesn’t even have a new romance as an excuse! On top of this, she would ignore the kid’s best interests (the routine, let’s call it, of regular healthy food and rests) when she was alone with the kid.

We put up with it for a couple of years, then we put measures in place. We offered 3 windows of time per week that she could visit or take DD out. Two after school (pre dinner & homework), and one weekend time (an afternoon, with the option of a sleepover). Things that fit with our (much busier) week. The clincher is that she has to book the time a week ahead, so we can plan around it. Via text. Very clearly. She can have all those times, or some.

Guess what? In a year, she’s actually managed 1 sleepover and a couple of afternoon teas. It’s been very useful to be able to say to all the relatives who believe her plaintive ‘but the parents are keeping me from my darling GD who cries for me!!’.

Sometimes the measures you have to put in place (and police) seem over the top. But they can work. Set it up so MIL’s not making life more difficult, but in a way that she has only herself to blame when she ends up not seeing the DC.

Visits should be at mutually convenient times. If there is no easy time one week, then visit the next.

No, I don’t think that’s unreasonable although you might say it in a different way.
just explain to MIL that during term time, bed time is X o’clock with no flexibility and she is welcome to come over within this parameter. Also that she may find herself helping with spelling homework if she chooses to come on a weeknight.

Is she just turning up at random times and that’s the problem?

If so I would let her come and say hello but rearrange a time for her to see them properly when it’s convenient for all of you.

Some of the replies on here are awful. I doubt you're a shit husband or father. So long as what you are doing is for your child's good, and you and your wife agree, that is what is important. I have a loose schedule with my MIL, but she can always ring and ask if she wants to see the kids. If we're busy or it interferes with their routine then it's a no. Not mean at all. We're all happy with it and it works for us.

well, my parents have never visited to 'a routine'.

They do what normal people do and pick up the phone and say - are you in on Tuesday? Can I pop round for a cup of tea?
To which the reply may be yes, lovely to see you, or no, sorry, how about wednesday instead?

What a strange post really. It all sounds very rigid and controlling

You have a schedule for visiting? How very odd.

I can appreciate you don’t want unplanned visits at inconvenient times, but why not just ask that MIL calls first to check when it’s convenient to call round. Surely that’s what most people do?

I would get quite wound up by visitors, even close family, just turning up at the wrong times/days, so YANBU. If they came too late in the evening and kept DCs up on a regular basis so I had to pick up the pieces the next morning i would turn them away at the door until they learnt to arrange things in advance. A text sorting out days/times is a very easy thing to do.

If the kids have school, after school clubs or wrap around care as you both work, or have Brownies etc in the evening, and homework, yanbu. It can be hard enough to juggle all that without factoring in your own evening activities, perhaps a book group or sports class, and then fitting granny in at odd times on top if all that.

I think offering a couple of times a week when you are not all frazzled us fine, especially big you are expected to entertain her as well.