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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandma Won't Keep To Schedule.

67 replies

dadoftandb · 31/08/2018 01:11

Hi all, apologies for the wall of text, just looking for some impartial perspective regarding an issue that has arisen recently.

My MIL until recently visited her GC once a week, but having started getting more serious with her new BF she has started skipping the schedule and visiting whenever she feels (Perhaps more accurately; she fits the GC around her new BF).

This evening the wife got upset and gave her an earful, to summarise: While during the school holidays a fast and loose schedule was okay, once school resumes she can only visit when it's convenient.

Unfortunately what's convenient for us interferes with her time with the BF.

Are we being unreasonable to try and dictate the specific days she can visit the kids or not.

Has anyone had any experience with a similar situation?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 31/08/2018 07:58

Strange family. Surely dgp are close family? Why do they need an appointment just to drop in and say hello? Doesn't she come to see the adults as well as the dgc? Just give her a key and say she's welcome anytime but the dgc might be .busy

GrasswillbeGreener · 31/08/2018 07:59

Some people can drop by spontaneously, be told, sorry they are just going out to Brownies can you come later / tomorrow, and not take offence. Others will make a great song and dance about it. They are the ones whose relatives start saying, we've got to make some reasonable rules to prevent constant upset.

I have to admit I haven't experienced any of this as I grew up without grandparents nearby, and am now bringing up our children with all grandparents in another country. So visits are planned quite differently. However, one set still managed to book a visit where they flew home, the day after my daughter finished at choirschool. Tried to say goodbye over lunch when their big leaving service was that afternoon - telling us they couldn't possibly cope with attending that service, goodbyes were too emotional. They had been given dates in advance and booking their leaving flight 2 days later would not have interfered with what they needed to get home for, and given them a proper day to spend with their grandchildren and say goodbye calmly.

headhurtstoomuch · 31/08/2018 08:00

Is gran Ma generally visiting or is she babysitting for you and not turning up? Seems odd that you would have allocated times for when she can or can't visit.

kaytee87 · 31/08/2018 08:04

I'm not sure there needs to be a schedule for visiting, that's quite bizarre tbh.
Surely grandma can just phone to see when is suitable and you arrange a mutually suitable time then?
I'm not seeing the issue here?

WhiteDust · 31/08/2018 08:30

Do people not know what the word 'schedule' means?
It's not bizarre or ridiculous to make plans or arrange dates/times with others!
Admittedly it's an overly formal word to use but in the context of the AIBU surely the meaning is understood?

PortiaCastis · 31/08/2018 08:34

Does she have a schedule for you, one would hope that she can live her life how she wants without your timetable messing it up

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/08/2018 08:37

A schedule for visiting is......odd.

It sounds as if you expect eeveryones life to revolve around yours which us selfish and ridiculous.

WhiteDust · 31/08/2018 08:39

Does she have a schedule for you, one would hope that she can live her life how she wants without your timetable messing it up

That's the whole point of the original post! Grandma is ONLY visiting at HER convenience. She chooses times that are INCONVENIENT for the OP.
Her 'schedule' means she won't visit at mutually convenient times.

Jeippinghmip · 31/08/2018 08:40

I don’t like people dropping in, so I would always go for a prior arrangement. If DGPs or anyone else wants to visit they either wait to be asked or phone ahead. So I think you are being perfectly okay wanting arrangements that suit you and your family.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/08/2018 08:43

That's the whole point of the original post! Grandma is ONLY visiting at HER convenience. She chooses times that are INCONVENIENT for the OP.

Well as the OP mentions school I bet the DGM has had YEARS of sticking to their 'schedule'. Have they ever in the past asked if the time was convenient for her or has it always been come at x time otherwise you won't see them. Perhaps she is fed up of being at their beck and call.

corythatwas · 31/08/2018 08:43

The problem with the OP what that the word 'dictate' didn't suggest any kind of compromise or recognition that grandma's convenience should be given equal weight. Given the general bias on MN against MILs I think it's pretty well guaranteed that he would have had a different response if he had written "would WIBU to insist on discussing this so we can arrive at a compromise that suits all parties?"

JynxaSmoochum · 31/08/2018 08:50

She's a grown-up member of the extended family. She doesn't have to be "scheduled" in to a regular weekly time slot and she is perfectly entitled to get on with her own life.

It is reasonable to arrange mutually convenient time slots. As a grandma, it is reasonable for her frequency of coming over to decline if she has other commitments. If she is being unreliable and not turning up as arranged then that is unreasonable. If you are assuming that she should be coming on Wednesday at 4:30 and she hasn't and it was never agreed then that assumption was unreasonable.

Is there a reason why your wife is upset about a boyfriend that is an underlying issue (grief, breakdown of parental relationship)?

WhiteDust · 31/08/2018 08:50

sillysally
Who knows? Possible but but the OP hasn't told us that.

ciderhouserules · 31/08/2018 08:58

The Wife?

Surely The Wife should be dealing with The Mother in Law regarding The Children and leaving the Important Man out of it?

thecatsthecats · 31/08/2018 09:12

I think that it's OBVIOUSLY fine that visits are mutually convenient.

I think it's a bit precious and selfish to be aggrieved that her relationship is becoming serious. That must be lovely for her, and will impact far more on her life than playing with kiddies.

(wtf are people crying about 'stability' for? Grandma has a boyfriend and therefore sees the grandkids a bit less, nobody's abandoned them, deprived them of their needs or abused them. They just see slightly less of a person who still loves them.)

For what it's worth, I don't like it when people whinge about people zoning out a bit when they get a new partner. I think it's an entirely natural and fundamental part of the bonding process, and it generally evens out when they settle down. I'm 11 years in and I still find the balance tricky between work, social and home commitments, and it always strikes me as bitter and unnatural to expect a couple in the early-shagging glow of a relationship to be entirely normal.

TheVanguardSix · 31/08/2018 09:15

You don't have to 'dictate'.

Just say, "Ah mum-in-law, it'd be so great to see you but not today. So sorry. We have 'x,y, and z' on today. What other days did you have in mind?"

Then she gives you options and you respond, "Let me have a chat with 'the other half' and get back to you."

Then come back to her with answer.

No need to get all controlling and weird about it.

JessieMcJessie · 03/09/2018 19:06

OP never came back, eh...

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