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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandma Won't Keep To Schedule.

67 replies

dadoftandb · 31/08/2018 01:11

Hi all, apologies for the wall of text, just looking for some impartial perspective regarding an issue that has arisen recently.

My MIL until recently visited her GC once a week, but having started getting more serious with her new BF she has started skipping the schedule and visiting whenever she feels (Perhaps more accurately; she fits the GC around her new BF).

This evening the wife got upset and gave her an earful, to summarise: While during the school holidays a fast and loose schedule was okay, once school resumes she can only visit when it's convenient.

Unfortunately what's convenient for us interferes with her time with the BF.

Are we being unreasonable to try and dictate the specific days she can visit the kids or not.

Has anyone had any experience with a similar situation?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 31/08/2018 07:16

A visit schedule lol

Can’t she just call and ask if you’re available?

SilentHeadphones · 31/08/2018 07:23

I don't know about dictating! I let MIL know when the DC's activities are and when the school has inset days. We arrange in advance, usually a week, sometimes a month or a couple of days if plans change.

Cheby · 31/08/2018 07:26

Of course it’s ok to specify when people can visit!

Grandma: I’m coming to visit at 7.30pm on Thursday
Parents: That’s the DC bedtime so it’s not convenient, you could come at 6pm

Surely that’s a perfectly normal thing to do?

Actually, a normal thing to do would be to ask when it’s convenient to visit someone.

Soontobe60 · 31/08/2018 07:27

She's not the bloody window cleaner! Why would you need to schedule her in?
As for the lovely, welcoming poster who has set times for their MIL to visit, just wow!
Spontaneous visits are great most of the time. My dad used to drop in whenever he felt like it. If we were busy, he'd just watch a bit of TV, have a brew then go. If my DH wanted to watch footy in peace, he'd go upstairs to watch. If the kids were busy, there'd come and say hi, give him a hug, then go off. Yes, at times it was annoying, especially when I'd just served tea up, but I just sucked it up. My dad has been dead for 3 years, and what I wouldn't give to have him walking in the house just as I'd sneaked off for a cheeky nap, what the kids would give just to have him turn up at bed time to tell them silly stories and sneak chocolate in.
You should welcome your MIL wanting to see her grandchildren. You should be pleased that she's got someone to spend her own time with. How would you feel if in 20 years time your own children gave you a timetable of she you were allowed to see your grandchildren?

Returnofthesmileybar · 31/08/2018 07:32

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possumgoddess · 31/08/2018 07:33

I don't understand the whole 'schedule' thing. Sometimes I go weeks without seeing my grandchildren but other times I might see them a lot, it just depends on what I am doing and what they and their family are doing. I try to have them to stay at least one weekend a month, but sometimes there is a gap of 5 or 6 weeks and sometimes only 3 weeks, and I am on granny duty at half term, but I have a very good relationship with my daughter and son in law and if something comes up I think would be nice to do with the kids I will ring to see if they are free, and likewise if they want to do something without the kids or they just want to see us they will ring to see if we are free. Much healthier that way I think.

Theresnodisneyending · 31/08/2018 07:36

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SusanneLinder · 31/08/2018 07:36

A schedule sounds extremely controlling. I am a GM, I just phone my daughter and arrange a visit. Thought that's what normal people do "eg " are you free on Tuesday etc"
Grandmothers ARE allowed to have their own lives too yunno.If grandkids are young,many of us are still working.
Seems to be assumed on here that grandmothers are all retired and have nothing else to do...Shock

insancerre · 31/08/2018 07:36

Why does she need a schedule?
Can’t she just visit when it’s convenient for you and her?

StepBackNow · 31/08/2018 07:38

I can't get past "the wife". This is not the 1940s, OP.

Theresnodisneyending · 31/08/2018 07:38

I've never heard of anyone scheduling in grandparent visits like this. Very unusual.

Petalflowers · 31/08/2018 07:40

A schedule for visiting times? Why can’t she visit at other times, unless it’s at awkward times such as bedtime. Surely all you need is a frank discussion saying how,it’s lovely to see mil, but if she plans to visit on tuesday evening, then you give you a quick call to check it’s conveneient, or to mention it on the previous visit.

Mil is perfectly entitled to,get a new bf, and to,change her routine. It’s great she wanting to spend time with gd.

anappleadaykeeps · 31/08/2018 07:43

What is it like when she visits? Does she 'fit in' with what is already going on (ie offers to do the reading with one child, helps clear up their tea), or does she expect to be 'entertained'?

LIZS · 31/08/2018 07:43

Sounds like you resent her for getting a life beyond your family. Just ask her to call ahead to make sure it is convenient. As long as she is not arriving at bedtime I think this is a non issue.

Spudina · 31/08/2018 07:44

My DF (My Mum isn't alive) has practically nothing to do with my children. I'm not expecting to hear from him till Christmas. You are lucky that your MIL is involved in your children's lives at all. She is entitled to a life too. You need to be a bit more understanding.

echt · 31/08/2018 07:44

You lost me at "the wife", OP.

FASH84 · 31/08/2018 07:46

@StepBackNow

I can't get past "the wife". This is not the 1940s,
It's a regional dialectal thing, nothing more

Gersemi · 31/08/2018 07:50

I don't understand the outrage at organising visiting times in advance. Surely it's obvious that if she and the grandchildren want to see each other, visits need to be arranged to avoid after school clubs, heavy homework nights etc?

StepBackNow · 31/08/2018 07:50

It used to be a regional dialect thing here decades ago. Now the only time I hear it is from grumpy old men in pubs or on community FB pages. It's dehumanising.

corythatwas · 31/08/2018 07:50

You can insist that she does not visit when you are busy with something else or it's not convenient for you.

You can insist that she does not visit unannounced.

What you can NOT do is insist that she does visit at times that you have decided.

And what you can definitely not do is to insist that she does not prioritise her new boyfriend- of course she will, you are prioritising your family, aren't you?

hollygoflightly · 31/08/2018 07:56

Seems entirely reasonable to me that she can't visit at times that don't suit you as a family. I'm very confused by some of the outrage to be honest.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/08/2018 07:56

Need fuller details. What is happening exactly. When are the visits, how often, what is your wife doing, how does it interfere with plans. You’ve given a summary.

Inertia · 31/08/2018 07:56

Your MIL is entitled to her own life, including spending as much time as she wants with her partner.

However, she can't expect everyone else to put their lives on pause so that they are always available at her convenience. The comments about 'just wow about scheduling time in advance ' are ridiculous - do people seriously expect to cancel their children's swimming lessons, or drag them back from a sleepover, or delay a toddler's bedtime, or ditch extra-curricular activities, just because a grandparent won't agree mutually convenient visit times yet expects grandchildren to be permanently available?

I wouldn't 'dictate' anything, but I would look at diaries with MIL to arrange visits in advance.

longwayoff · 31/08/2018 07:56

Oh get her to make an appointment like any normal family would Hmm

WhiteDust · 31/08/2018 07:58

She's not the bloody window cleaner! Why would you need to schedule her in?

So those who don't 'schedule' in family visits - Do you have a calendar/diary? Do you arrange mutually convenient times to see each other or does everyone just turn up at randomly at their convenience?

The use of the word schedule is a bit corporate OP but it means 'arrange or plan (an event) to take place at a particular time.' so I don't know why people are giving you a hard time.
Agree that your DW would have got a different response if she had posted the same thing.

Sometimes the responses on MN are really crap.