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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p*ssed off that no option for cohabiting/long-term relationship exists on maternity notes?

341 replies

BillieBryson · 30/08/2018 21:34

I'm newly pg with DC#2, and today had my booking appointment with midwife. Perhaps it's the hormones, but I felt particularly enraged this time round when I forced to choose 'single' as my marital status as the only other option was 'married'. I've been with OH for 12 years FFS! Why, in 2018, when a considerable proportion of couples choose not to marry, is there no recognition of this? Doesn't this also artificially inflate statistics for single mothers (not that there is anything wrong with that of course)?

OP posts:
TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 18:32

I couldn't give a shit re the law or what it thinks I'm simply filling in a form and don't wish to put Single when I'm not

You are. You're not married therefore you are single. Its nothing to do with "respecting your relationship", nobody cares about your relationship. It simply means that your partner would have certain rights if you were married to him, and he doesn't if you are not.
your feelings on it don't change the facts in any way.

P3onyPenny · 03/09/2018 18:36

Or she has no intention of marrying him or she knew her dp had no intention of marrying and didn't care or she did know,did care but wanted a baby more as it was her only chance.....

Similarly there will be men bullied or guilted into marrying as going along was easier( cracks always show later), men who thought they'd cared more at the time of marriage and now want out,men who agreed to marry knowing full well they'll leave later,many who marry,cheat and just Coast along until they're found out,men who marry and are crappy husbands....

All sorts of variables. Hmm

P3onyPenny · 03/09/2018 18:38

Nope not single. In the eyes of the law I'm unmarried. Plenty of forms recognise this.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/09/2018 18:42

They probably should state married or unmarried.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 18:46

Nope not single. In the eyes of the law I'm unmarried

In the eyes of the law unmarried means single.

It doesn't matter how many times or in how many ways you protest it: it is a simple fact. YOU ARE SINGLE, LEGALLY.

P3onyPenny · 03/09/2018 18:50

And as I've said countless times I don't give a shit about in the eyes of the law. I'm not Single,I'm unmarried. As such there needs to be a third box.

Dungeondragon15 · 03/09/2018 18:53

Why does there need to be a third option though? They just need to substitute "single" for unmarried. They don't need to know whether the father is a life partner, partner, boyfriend, one night stand etc etc as it makes not difference.

P3onyPenny · 03/09/2018 18:54

Yep,would agree with that.

Pearl87 · 03/09/2018 18:55

They could change "single" to "unmarried", but I guarantee some people would object to that, too! There would be cries of "I'm engaged to my partner, why isn't that an option? Why don't they respect our engagement?" Or "I've been with my partner for 20 years, that's much longer than some marriages last, why are they lumping me in with women who aren't even with their children's father?"

Seriously, they don't care about your love life! All they want to know is the legal status of your relationship. The purpose of the form isn't to validate you and your partner.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 18:57

And as I've said countless times I don't give a shit about in the eyes of the law. I'm not Single,I'm unmarried. As such there needs to be a third box

There does not need to be another box on all forms for everyone else because YOU don't give a shit about what definitions of what the words that are already there mean.
You can't actually think everyone else needs new forms because you dont understand what single means?

PenelopeShitStop · 03/09/2018 18:58

I was with my DH for years before we married. I couldn't have given a toss that I was considered single in the eyes of the law. Neither did I need to tick a box in order to validate our relationship.

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 03/09/2018 19:00

I'm unmarried and not in any relationship right now.

TheCraicDealer · 03/09/2018 19:00

So essentially you want there to be three "boxes" (married, single and cohabiting), knowing that for the purpose that that data was collected, i.e. PR at birth, you'll be lumped in with "single" anyway? Seems like a bit of a waste of headspace tbh.

When I was getting finance for my car I had the same choice between single and married, same as when I was sorting car insurance. It's not that uncommon a question, although clearly there's a difference with major life events like pregnancy and birth.

flamingofridays · 03/09/2018 19:05

Mumsnet loves to belittle unmarried mothers doesnt it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/09/2018 19:09

QueenofmyPrinces

Surely a birth certificate would have sufficed.

That is utter rubbish

Otherwise why doesn’t she change her name to that of her Ds’s. I have changed mine a couple of times. Think it costs about £20. Fill out a form saying what you want to be known as and the solicitor stamps it.

Being left with nothing is because you haven’t got your name on the house, cars, business, pension and will (latter 2 if your dp dies)

Dp have been together from when we were very young and had not a bean. Although I haven’t had a regular income or earned considerably less than dp I couldn’t have moved into a house that wasn’t half mine.

The thing I think needs addressing is not necessarily the marriage issue but I have seen a few posters on here who say they are not on the mortgage/deeds of their home because they aren’t working or don’t earn enough.

People need to know if someone is telling them that then they are being fed lies

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 19:11

Mumsnet loves to belittle unmarried mothers doesn't it

No. What makes you think accurately being described as unmarried is belittling? Says more about your thoughts on it.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 03/09/2018 19:12

You don't even need to pay a solicitor for a change of name deed, they can be downloaded for free if you want one.

There is a lot of bullshitting around names and parental responsibility though. It seems to be one area where people actively enjoy making up the law. For that reason, I find the account entirely plausible, even though it's incorrect.

flamingofridays · 03/09/2018 19:14

No. What makes you think accurately being described as unmarried is belittling? Says more about your thoughts on it

Not what i meant at all.

Being described as unmarried isnt belittling. Being made out to be a silly little girl who doesnt know her rights is belittling. Some of the comments on here go to show you're looked down upon for being unmarried.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 19:23

Being made out to be a silly little girl who doesnt know her rights is belittling. Some of the comments on here go to show you're looked down upon for being unmarried

The only people being told they dont know their rights are the people who do not actually know their rights.
Youre not looked down upon for being married at all, thats nonsense. You are looked down upon for not being married and refusing to understand that there are legal distinctions to being married.

You are also looked down on for not being able to grasp what the word single means vis a vis the law!!

P3onyPenny · 03/09/2018 19:23

Well clearly Penelope you don't speak for all unmarried women with partners.

P3onyPenny · 03/09/2018 19:25

Star Wars I'd still be happier with unmarried,it is more accurate.

PenelopeShitStop · 03/09/2018 19:26

I never said I did peony. You seem to have a problem discerning fact from fancy.

P3onyPenny · 03/09/2018 19:30

And Winter I do understand what Single means on forms so no need to belittle.

There is no reason why Unmarried can't go on the form. It means the same as Single and it's accurate .

DelilahandDaisy · 03/09/2018 19:33

Using unmarried is like saying married is the default. I would not like that at all.

P3onyPenny · 03/09/2018 19:34

You are either married or you're not. The only thing that matters is recording that you're married. That box is still there in all its glory. Single changing to unmarried does not change the meaning of married.

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