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Original poster

Telling df a few home truths about her pfb.

55 replies

Goneforlunch · 29/08/2018 14:05

Yesterday I had kind of kicked off at df about her ds, we were sat having a joke conversation with my dm, in which I said she needs to find a rich dh so he can look after me when she dies, all of a sudden df piped up and said "don't talk about dying in front of her ds as he thinks we live forever"
I have her a Confused look as I thought she was joking, she wasn't.

Anyway I said you can't really make him believe we live forever and what would happen if she died tomorrow, how would we explain that to him?
She then started on a mad rant that he is scared of everything and that my d's always scare him, so I told her if she felt that way then her ds would not be welcome to stay at my house anymore, which of course made her backtrack on what she had said.

By this time she had now got my back up as she was accusing my ds' of doing things purposefully to upset her ds, so I told her a few home truths.
Not many children like her ds as he is rude, spiteful and doesn't listen when told to stop hitting or kicking, my eldest ds doesn't even leave my side anymore when we're at her house as he is always being attacked and he doesn't want to get in trouble for hitting back at someone who is younger.

There have been alot if issues with his dad and I can understand why he behaves in a certain way, but she blames everyone else for what he's doing rather than concentrating on his behaviour.
He is one of those children that you have to watch everything you say around as he goes back and tells tales, which of course she believes even if he's wrong, she then accuses people of trying to make him out as a bad person.

My worry for both of them is that she isn't preparing him for life outside of her home by trying to hard to shelter him from the truth because of how she reacted to things as a child, it's leading to him being picked on and laughed at.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 29/08/2018 14:13

Owch. Thats a rubbish situation.

Sadly, in my experience parents like that will continue to indulge and believe their precious delight is always glowing. It won't matter what you say, what happens at school, what teachers say, what others say.

He'll probably end up being a child who:

  • will wind others up on the sly and then when challenged by peers play the victim
  • be quite unpleasant to other children and when they eventually stop making an effort, mum will claim all the other children are bullying him (or worse are bullying him because they're clearly jealous if you dahling)
  • if a teacher catches him doing what he shouldn't and takes playtime off him then he'll spin a line to mum and mum will call school raging (possibly having starred a MN thread about how FURIOUS she is that her DC is being singled out)
  • by secondary everything will be other children's fault, teacher faults etc
  • if their child doesn't work hard and messes on, they'll still turn up on parents' evening and blame every member of staff

She isn't preparing him for life, but you see this type of set up every year. They're a minority, but it's infuriating. The best you can do is limit your children being around each other.

Returnofthesmileybar · 29/08/2018 14:14

I need to know how that conversation went after you came out with those gems Grin

BiddyPop · 29/08/2018 14:14

How old is DF's DC?

Ihavethepower · 29/08/2018 14:16

I hope she told you a few 'home truths' too.

ThirdChildFourthPile · 29/08/2018 14:17

DF?

crenellations · 29/08/2018 14:19

You haven't said how old he is but it's not up to you how they treat the conversation about death. My dc is only 3 but I'd be pissed off if someone else talked about it to them in a way that was inconsistent with ours or that has a specific aspect I knew he'd be scared of.

Eg we're moving house now and I know dc is specifically scared of toys being left behind and getting lonely so we're not even joking about that as it'd set off a lot of other worries.

VioletCharlotte · 29/08/2018 14:21

I knew a man like this once. He had a row with the kids football team for observing a 2 minutes silence before a match on Remembrance Sunday. He didn't think it was right for his son to know about death. He was 8!

cholka · 29/08/2018 14:22

I don't think you're friends anymore

Original poster
Goneforlunch · 29/08/2018 14:25

@Ihavethepower, I am always more than willing to listen to anyone that has a problem with my children or the way I parent.
My children aren't perfect and neither am I, but she is putting her fears onto her child, what @MaisyPops said is very true and some of those things have already happened, ie a child at his school is now apparently bullying him, this child used to play with him but he as I said he gets too rough and doesn't know when to stop and now said child doesn't want to play with him anymore.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 29/08/2018 14:26

I hope she told you a few 'home truths' too.
Why?
The friend decdied to go on a rant about the OP's children and how her precious angel is some sort of victim despite him striving to get other children into trouble and has been violent to others.

Sounds like textbook little shit behaviour. (Though even typing that makes me think of the 'only on MN' Thread. In real life a child behaving like the child in the OP would get an understanding 'yeah we know the type, seen them at toddlers, soft play, school. They'll be a right nightmare by teens'. On MN - OMG you can't say that. I hope you friend put you in your place. What a horrible thing to say)

Original poster
Goneforlunch · 29/08/2018 14:30

Sorry he's 6
I understand not going into gory details about death and how you explain those things to your child is of course completely up to you.

OP posts:
StartingAgain1 · 29/08/2018 14:35

How old are they?
You do sound as if this kid has been winding you up for a long time!
I'm shocked he really thinks people live forever, even in books and films people die all the time. Doesn't he have any pets or know anyone with pets? What does he thinks happen when they disappear. Really weird

Original poster
Goneforlunch · 29/08/2018 14:35

Posted too soon...
But not preparing a child for something that happens to everyone daily, is in my eyes wrong. There are ways that you can explain adult things to children without lying to them.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 29/08/2018 14:40

When we visited sil and used to take the dog for a walk we could onjy go in one part of the graveyard but not another and if her dc ( 6 and 7) read a particular gravestone they might see that a child had died and she wanted them to believe that “ children couldn’t die”
My dc were also banned from saying the word “vampire” in case it upset their cousins - cue DS ( similar age)“ what word is it we can’t say Aunty B?” “Why can’t we say vampire?” “ why does D hate the word vampire?” Etc etc.
My dc were only allowed to play football etc with them if they didn’t tackle them in case
A. They got hurt
B. They were upset they hadn’t got the ball anymore

God, I could go on all day
Anyway OP yes it’s daft but not your place to point it out

CircleofWillis · 29/08/2018 14:41

Six is still quite young. I wouldn't necessarily be having flippant conversations about the death of people they know in front of a six year old but I also wouldn't be that pretending people don't die.

He does sound annoying and a little pain but criticising him to your friend will probably ruin your friendship (if you still have one).

Original poster
Goneforlunch · 29/08/2018 14:44

I don't know maybe she skips that part or stops showing the movie beforehand.

He has been winding me up for a little while and lots of things happen that I let go.
A few weeks ago for example, we were at the park all the children were playing tag with a stick, just tapping each other when chaught, her ds kept hitting my eldest harder each time which made him not want to play anymore, so he kept telling him to stop which of course he didnt so I then told him to, her reply was "you mollycoddle him too much" again my face was Confused I told her that her ds was hurting mine and he didnt want to play, that isn't mollycoddlying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goneforlunch · 29/08/2018 14:49

@CircleofWillis We were having an adult conversation all the children were playing in the bedroom, he just so happend to walk in as I said what I did, I didn't grab him and start talking about the angel of death.

@Hoppinggreen Yes this is her to a 'T'

OP posts:
needyourlovingtouch · 29/08/2018 14:50

At 6 he should have come across the concept of death. Bizarre. Most children know about death even if they can't process it.

Idefix · 29/08/2018 14:51

As someone up thread said you probably won't see df so much now.

Many years ago I was told off by a df for allowing her ds to watch a programme about black holes as it had left him terrified of the world disappearing into one. Ds and df aged 10 - yr6

This child was also quite manipulating and his dm never saw any problems. Eventually ended the friendship with df and her ds after deliberately broke something precious when my ds wouldn't not include his dsis in a game.

Sometimes the gap in your views regarding childrearing can be too wide to bridge with friendship. You may like me wonder why you put up with the behaviour for so long op.

Original poster
Goneforlunch · 29/08/2018 15:06

I think maybe you're right, I should be pulling away from the friendship as it will probably get worse as he gets older.

OP posts:
TheIcon · 29/08/2018 15:07

Your DC are better off away from the little bastard if he's hitting them and not stopping.

Clutterbugsmum · 29/08/2018 15:08

I would step back from DF.

Stop doing things with her, and she ask be blunt, Tell her you have already told her that her child is hurting your child, so no you and your children do not to be around him at the moment.

If she ask you to babysit him, then no you are not available.

Do as she is doing put the safety of your children first. Because until she starts disciplining him then he will just get more violent towards them and you.

MaisyPops · 29/08/2018 15:11

The sticking point for me is how often this friend seems to defend her precious darling and goes on rants at/about your children whilst seemingly accepting her child's awful behaviour to others (and worse presenting her child as sone sort of perpetual victim).

Time to drift. No doubt she'll be a victim in the drifting too and she'll claim she has no idea why other children seem to not want to play with her child.

I feel for the kid though. He's a product of how his parent(s) treat him. With some boundaries I'm sure he could probably be quite a nice child.

ZigZagZebras · 29/08/2018 15:12

How on earth has a 6 year old not come across death? Is he homeschooled?
If not surely there's been mentions of it at school eg the easter story mentions death, seeing dead insects etc.
What does he think meat is?!

Don't see any way how he couldn't know about death so sounds like she's making an issue out of nothing for the drama.

Branleuse · 29/08/2018 15:16

oh you sound like a real charmer. You actually told her that not many people like her ds?

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