To be concerned about DSis' plans

[librarysuperstar]

My DSis has significant mental health problems (mainly depression, anxiety, BPD also suspected) and hasn't been able to work for a couple of years now. She's getting married soon and plans on starting a family soon after. She sent me a text the other day saying that I have to remember she will probably always be mentally quite unwell, described herself as a hermit, said being outside her home makes her feel anxious and unsafe. She says she sleeps a lot and often can't do much, and has very little energy emotionally, physically and mentally. She asked me to think about how hard it is for her to even leave her house to walk the dog with her DP. This was in response to me saying I don't see her much and wish I saw more of her. Anyway that's fine and I respect her situation and mental health is what it is.

AIBU to be quite concerned about how she will cope with parenthood given how long-term mentally unwell she is, how difficult she finds it to be out and about and her energy issues? Tbh there's nothing I can do anyway and I've already raised it as gently as I can but I'm not sure she realises how hard parenting can be at the best of times.

It will be hard for her - but she should also get additional support. What is her DP like? How about the rest of your family?

I understand your concern but people with mental health conditions can and do have kids and raise them well. If she has a good partner and good support structures and is aware of and seeking help for her illness, there’s no reason why she won’t be one of them.

I've had this concern about myself, but speaking to other mothers (with MH conditions and without) the general consensus on how to cope is "you just do". There's no doubting it is more tough, looking after yourself can feel like a full time job, but a child could be the making of her.

It's nice that you would like to see more of her, but statements like that can be very overwhelming when you're already using all your energy just to get through the day. That's not a criticism of you, but more to be aware that innocent comments can seem pushy when you're doing your best. She'll let you know what you when she's able to go out and/ or see you. And her ability to spend time with you has no correlation with her ability to care for a child. Some of us find children a joy and adults blooming hard work!

It will be hard for her - but she should also get additional support

I'd work on the basis that there will be no additional support. Cuts to mental health services and social services mean there's next to no support, anything that is available is through charities and they're stretched to the limit. Sad state of affairs.

Thanks. I just want to add that this isn't meant to be suggesting that mental health means you can't be a good parent. And I do understand that she obviously found my comment about not seeing her pushy and why; it's difficult though as she never invites me round to her place either. But yes I need to avoid saying anything like that.

tbh I'm not sure there's much correlation between seeing a sibling and being a parent.
She might be using her health as an excuse not to see you. But it has little reflection on how she will relate or interact with any future DCs.

Surely it will have an impact though if she's unable to do things? I get that it could be an excuse not to see me but assuming it isn't? She often won't take her dogs (labs) out for walks and I think this is due to the energy thing as she sleeps in for much of the day. But then I guess parenthood can bring out a different side and certainly she'd be known to the health visitors etc. Her DP is very supportive too.

I have depression and anxiety and don’t leave my house either does that mean that I can’t be a parent. Having MH issues doesn’t automatically take away your right to have a child. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe she just doesn’t want to see you.

YANBU. If she can’t do simple things like take the dog for a walk then how will she manage when she needs to take the child out?
Having a child doesn’t suddenly mean you can overcome mental health problems and just get on with it, for a lot of people having a child makes things much much harder.

I don't think saying you don't see her much and would like to see her more was insensitive, I'm not sure how much more gentle you could be about it and I say that as someone you suffers with depression and anxiety.

If her anxiety and energy levels are truly as bad as you've posted then I would be very concerned that becoming a parent might absolutely knock her for six. I know people say "you just cope", well yes, until you can't cope! Then what? A history of depression does apparently increase a woman's risk of PND.

I'm not sure how much you can do library. If you were closer and she was inclined to confide in you then you could gently suggest getting support to address the difficulties that make her unable to leave the house. Is there another family member she's more likely to discuss this with?

She does confide in me sometimes but gets very prickly as well so I have to be careful about what I say.

Yeah thanks @Shootfirstaskquestionslater I have already addressed the question of whether she just doesn't want to see me (because clearly I'm a judgmental bitch?) and I've also said that mental health issues don't mean someone can't be a good parent. Clearly this is a really sensitive issue for you but no I'm not trying to take away anyone's right to have a family although I do think the rights of children come first. Maybe you should try being less defensive if you know you're such an amazing parent, I don't know you and wasn't aiming my comments or concerns in your direction.

Is her partner expecting to be the main carer? I used to know someone with BPD whose partner stayed at home and did more of the care while she worked part time. I believe it worked for them, although she didn't seem to be affected in the same way as your sister in terms of tiredness

Is there such a thing as your right to have a child ?

@libarysuperstar I’m sure my 4 cats would agree with you that I’m an amazing parent . It’s really not up to you to decide whether your sister could handle having a baby that’s up to her and her dp to decide. With the right support she might just surprise you and be a great parent.

@NeedAUsernameGenerator her DP would need to work as far as I know. He would definitely be hands on and supportive though.

If what she says is true ( and not just an excuse to avoid her meanie sister) and having a baby doesn’t magically fix her MH issues then yes it’s very concerning
MH can and does often get much worse after having a baby, it’s not a fix so I think OP is right to be very worried
But what can she do? She can’t tell her sister not to have a baby
Would approaching her partner be an option? Are your parents involved OP?

I think there’s a lot to be said for you just do when you become a parent. I’m very aware of my mh issues, and am determined to ‘protect’ my children from them as much as I can, and whilst there’s nothing I can do to prevent them from having their own issues, I want them to grow up feeling no shame should they have them.

As and when your sister does have kids, I’d think that she’d have support from her hv, and her dp, and from you. I don’t think YABU to have concerns, I do sort of think YABU to mention them to her though - if she’s already feeling shitty, laying on more for her to feel bad about won’t help, though I do understand your being concerned. I’d suggest start mentioning the support you’re willing to offer (if any) when she has kids, and saying positive things alongside how difficult it can be.

Hi @Hoppinggreen our parents are involved I guess, and would help if needed although they're getting older and DSis lives over an hour away which is another concern. I've tried to approach it with her indirectly saying it would be lovely if she were nearer and we could pop round etc but she's very settled where she is.

I have a history of depression, although not as severe as your sisters from what you have posted. I am thankfully able to work still.

I have two DCs and have suffered badly with PND after each. It was like a 'normal' depressive episode magnified horribly each time. Having a history of MH difficulties makes you more vulnerable in the post natal period, your DSis and her partner need to be aware for this and plan for it. Are members of the extended family supportive too? My Mum was a great help to DH when I was having a very bad time and he had a newborn and toddler to deal with.

Depending how unwell she is she might find that her kids are a good impetus to overcome some of her difficulties. To some extent (and please don’t flame me, I know sometimes it’s more complicated than this) some people get into a bit of a rut, it’s not that they don’t have these mental health difficulties, but once they’re acknowledged they also fall back on them as a comfort zone, so once they realise they find it so difficult to go out because they’re ill they stop fighting it and just stay in. But if they have kids they’ll push past that (even though it’s very difficult for them) because the self-sacrificial mummy instinct takes over and their own suffering no longer feels so important.

My husband was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago after his garden variety depression he'd had since a teenager spiraled after the birth of a sick child, if we'd known BPD was lurking in the cupboard he wouldn't have had children because it's far too fragile environment for a child to grow up in. He is thankfully now well enough to manage reasonably well and to see this, he loves them to the end of the earth, but it's not the environment we would have chosen for any child to grow up in. Children should come first in any decision and a happy, emotionally and physically safe home is an essential.

I have depression and anxiety and don’t leave my house either does that mean that I can’t be a parent. Having MH issues doesn’t automatically take away your right to have a child.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with this, if you are too severely unwell to look after yourself then you shouldn't bring a child into it (intentionally of course, I'm not on about unplanned pregnancies). I've grown up with a mentally illfather, it wasn't fun and I wish some thought had been put into how it would impact me and my brother and not leave me with lifelong issues, especially in forming relationships that I am now trying to overcome with therapy before I have my own kids.

@rickandmorts so you wish you’d never been born? My mum has had repeated psychotic episodes and was far from the best mum in the world but ...gotta say still glad she gave me life.

I must be a judgemental bitch too OP based on the criticism you have had here.

Is that the best environment to raise a child? Does the childs best interests have no baring just because the Op's sister wants a child? I see she isn't working can they afford a child based on her OH's wage? As Ohnoducks said above circumstances change and are hard to plan for but to bring a child into the environment which OPs sister currently exists imo is just terrible.

I think you are right to be concerned. Personally, I believe DC are a blessing not a "right".

My dsis has severe anxiety and depression (for which she has treatment) but it still affects her ability to do the school run, do the food shopping and take the kids out. She is very very anxious at times and this does affect her relationships.

Fortunately, her dp is amazing and manages to be very hands on with the DC whilst working a full time demanding job but it is taking a toll on his physical health.

Tbh, my sister's mh mproved when her dc were babies and toddlers. I think it was because she was a sahm and could take things at her own pace. Now the DC are teen and pre-teen, things are starting to take a nose dive again. The DC aren't as content as they were to do home-based stuff and the older child is challenging her a lot. The younger child seems to be developing some quite severe anxiety symptoms of their own.

Who am I to judge? The DC are loved and no-ones upbringing is perfect but I if you ask me honestly, I think my dns will not come out of this situation totally unscathed.

I am disabled with ME and have pretty robust mental health but the flesh isn’t very willing in my case. I became ill after having dd. Being a parent has been incredibly hard. Even so I sometimes get completely overwhelmed and angry/upset.

I’d be very concerned in your place. The last thing she needs in her fragile state is to bring another generation of depressed and anxious people whilst possibly triggering bpd in the child or parent. If this were to happen, it would be terribly difficult for her to see and for the child to endure. However, I don’t really see what you can do. It isn’t possible to comprehend the difficulty of being a parent without first becoming one.

It sounds as if she would do better with one of those reborn dolls as she could give them the love and care and be really insular and still sleep when she wants. I used to think having one of these dolls was rather strange and it isn’t for me but I can totally understand the appeal for some people. But you’d never be able to broach anything without seeming to be incredibly judgmental.

I do hope she finds the strength in parenthood.