To be concerned about DSis' plans

[librarysuperstar]

My DSis has significant mental health problems (mainly depression, anxiety, BPD also suspected) and hasn't been able to work for a couple of years now. She's getting married soon and plans on starting a family soon after. She sent me a text the other day saying that I have to remember she will probably always be mentally quite unwell, described herself as a hermit, said being outside her home makes her feel anxious and unsafe. She says she sleeps a lot and often can't do much, and has very little energy emotionally, physically and mentally. She asked me to think about how hard it is for her to even leave her house to walk the dog with her DP. This was in response to me saying I don't see her much and wish I saw more of her. Anyway that's fine and I respect her situation and mental health is what it is.

AIBU to be quite concerned about how she will cope with parenthood given how long-term mentally unwell she is, how difficult she finds it to be out and about and her energy issues? Tbh there's nothing I can do anyway and I've already raised it as gently as I can but I'm not sure she realises how hard parenting can be at the best of times.

I get you OP, I have a friend in a similar situation. Severe depression, anxiety, treatment resistant bipolar disorder. She makes frequent suicide attempts and often spends long periods as an inpatient at psychiatric hospitals. She only has a small number of friends, is NC with her whole family, and hasn't had a partner in about 10 years. She talks a lot about wanting children and whether she should try to conceive as a single parent. Its hard to know what to say, she's a wonderful kind person who could certainly be a brilliant parent under the right circumstances. But I don't know if those "right circumstances" will realistically ever happen for her. I've seen her break down into tears after someone gave her flowers for her bday as she was so overwhelmed by the pressure of keeping them alive. I've noticed a real cognitive dissonance with her on things like this though. She'll make plans for the future but also be unsure if she'll be alive at the end of the week, and doesn't seem to see any contradiction. She'll make a plan to kill herself on Friday, and also to have dinner with me on Saturday, and be dead serious about following through with both plans. She wants to have children before she's 35, but also to be dead by the end of the year, and doesn't seems capable of processing these as mutually exclusive goals. It's very difficult because I love her very much (as you obviously do your sister).

As the child of two parents who had mental health problems I don't think it is fair on a child,I won't pull any punches because everyone thinks about the poor parent but what about the poor child?

People don't have a choice when it comes to mental health problems I know that but they do have a choice when it comes to having a child,all through out my childhood I asked if I was adopted because of my childhood,I thought that was why I was so hated and why my childhood was so bad,it took me years to realize it wasn't me.

interesting that there are2 feeds with different angles on same topic

so you wish you’d never been born?

I've certainly wished (many many times) that I was born into a stable family with normal parents who didn't fuck me up for the rest of my life. Not sure if that's the same thing?

@rickandmorts well no because you came from a particular sperm and a particular egg and could only have been born into the specific circumstances you were born into. Other people of course could have been born into the nice stable home you wish you’d had, and many of them were, but you never could have been.

It isn’t possible to comprehend the difficulty of being a parent without first becoming one.

This is exactly my fear. PND, hormonal changes, having to go onto different medication etc. Even if she copes ok with the baby stage which I can imagine is possible, I think she could really struggle when the kids get older, more active, needing to be out doing things, more challenging behaviour etc. No doubt at all she will love and do her very best for them but I think she doesn't actually comprehend what she's letting herself in for. Then again neither did I when I had my DC!

I understand how conception works thank you, I can't answer the question of would I rather be alive or not because I am, you deal with the circumstances you're given but I don't agree with someone with severe MH problems purposefully having kids. Flame me if you want.

I've noticed a real cognitive dissonance with her on things like this though.

This rings true and is very much my DSis. Yesterday she was telling me she and DP will be starting a family ASAP after wedding next year, then later I got a long text about how hurtful it was that I made an innocent comment that I'd love to see more of each other, literally paragraphs about how much every day is a struggle and how I need to understand it and not keep blaming her (which I'm not, at all, but this is the perception). And yet she doesn't think this will make family life difficult in the future?

I struggled with depression and anxiety before falling pregnant. I was permanently exhausted and had panic attacks almost every time I left the house, so eventually I stopped. When I found out I was pregnant, it was like something switched in me. I knew I now had this whole other person I had to be strong for and that my decisions and fears no longer affected only me. As silly as it may sound, it felt like I actually had a purpose and a true reason to actually get myself better. I know this is probably quite rare, as pregnancy and motherhood can really cause a lot of stress and MH struggles but for me it really felt like it gave me a whole new life to look forward to. I do still have bad days, with low mood, worries, tiredness and low self esteem but I no longer feel like I'm suffering or ill. In my case, I feel like becoming a parent actually really helped me.

YANBU to be concerned but you may find she is able to cope perfectly fine (well as fine as the rest of us)!

We all have our weak areas as parents. Hopefully her DH can cover her weak areas if they have kids. Or maybe the kids will have a less than ideal situation. Them and millions of other kids. Everyone just does the best they can, life is a lottery.

@selfesteemqueen that is genuinely lovely and I'm very happy to hear that this was the case for you. My hope is that it will be the same for DSis, my fear is that she might be thinking it will change things but actually it will just be adding a hugely stressful (albeit wonderful) responsibility onto her existing condition/ illness.

there are other illness that cause a mum to become unable to do much of life/parental duties.cancer.stroke.disabilties.ms etc.mental health another.but somehow you cope.being a parent you just cope with the worse of times aswell as the best. and with support it can be done.but she will need the support.
there are ways round things you wouldn't even dream possible right now.and you have help and adapt.
and the child as long as its loved and is cared for and nurtured in all the waysthat matter will be ok. and will feel safe.and secure and so will adapt and live happily alongside her.there are so many situations in life that illness comes and ploughs right through like a destroying steam roller.but somehow you can cope.and will.but it will take strength from the sufferer and for those around her.

@librarysuperstar I hope so too. I understand your fears though, it is one of those things that is horribly unpredictable. Motherhood can really mix you up! I think it's lovely that you care so much about your sister. Hopefully her husband is able to provide support where needed and she would be able to cope. Have you spoke about your worries with her or is she likely to take it the wrong way?

being a parent you just cope with the worse of times aswell as the best

This is not true. Many people struggle tremendously and just simply cannot cope with the realities of looking after another person, especially one that completely depends on you.

My Mother has BPD. My childhood was horrendous. She should have never had children. I have been NC for 3.5yrs now been the best years of my life (I'm 25).
As a child I used to hide under the counter in the kitchen as I was so scared of her rages, over essentially nothing. It wasnt as bad for me and my younger sister as we had a supportive DDad. My older siblings wernt so lucky. It got a whole lot worse after my parents divorced and moved me and my younger sibling 300miles away from my dad leaving my older siblings in foster care there as well.
I'm sure lots of people cope well with their mental health and having support is essential. But life isnt a storybook and things dont always work out. I would be very concerned for your sisters potential children.

I agree that people with mental health issues can still be very good parents but that hugely depends on the level of issues and the help the person is receiving to manage their mental health issues.

Posters talking about her husband taking up the slack and mothers getting other illnesses coping are really only looking at this from the mother's point and not the child's.

If a parent cannot carry out simple every day functions (like getting out of bed as a starting point) then it is not right to bring children into that environment. What kind of life is that for a child? It's only having the child to satisfy your own desires and I too would be hugely concerned about your sister having a child with her life the way it is now.

She needs more help for her illness before she even begins to think about having another child.

Some posters here really have low expectations when it comes to what kind of life a child deserves. It shouldn't be about just coping or dealing with a child, it should be about them having the best possible start in life and if a person cannot offer that then they should reconsider having children. Having children is not a right.

My mother suffered from depression, anxiety and mood disorder and I have to agree with your concerns OP.

A significant factor in developing mental illness is a mentally ill parent. It puts a lot of strain on the children and the spouse.

Luckily my siblings and I are all fairly tough, but it caused a lot of problems including the breakdown of one of my siblings. I would much rather have not had mental illness in a parent given the choice.

Posters talking about her husband taking up the slack and mothers getting other illnesses coping are really only looking at this from the mother's point and not the child's.

Yup.

I struggled with depression and anxiety before falling pregnant. I was permanently exhausted and had panic attacks almost every time I left the house, so eventually I stopped. When I found out I was pregnant, it was like something switched in me.

That’s great, but BPD doesn’t just switch on and off.

You just cope!

I have bipolar, fibromyalgia, anxiety disorders and a host of other issues (I’m like an A-Z of medical issues). Until the last few years I managed well in a senior management role. However my health took a sharp decline unfortunately.

But I’m a good mum, and I know that. I’m now a single parent, but co-parent with both their dads. Ds18 is about to start university after getting excellent A-Level results and having an unconditional offer. Ds14 is in all top sets in school and plays sports out of school.

Yes it can be difficult for them. There are days when they’ve woken me to remind me to take my meds, and have made me something to eat. They’ve had to support me in the bathroom. Help me get dressed. Even sleep in my bed when my backs gone into spasm to help turn me every 20 in its or so. A lot is undignified.

They can both cook well. They hoover and dust. Strip and make their beds. Empty and fill the washing machine, dishwasher and tumbe dryer. They are pretty self sufficient! But it doesn’t mean that they aren’t kids!

They have their friends are to stay, they go out frequently, older ds’s girlfriend sleeps over. Younger ds shouts at everyone when talking on the Xbox (why do they do this???).

So yes having a mental health problem and or physical problems brings their own challenges. But we get through, we manage, we cope. We do are best. We also bring up very empathic children.

I’ve suffered with crippling depression and twice been hospitalised. If I was that bad then I wouldn’t have children, no. It’s not “a right”. And children are not a gamble to perhaps be the making of her. I wouldn’t even consider having children until I could leave the house and was emotionally and psychologically stable for a considerable length of time. It’s horrific when mental illness happens and you already have children. To be actively trying to bring a baby into that situation is just wrong.

Some posters here really have low expectations when it comes to what kind of life a child deserves. It shouldn't be about just coping or dealing with a child, it should be about them having the best possible start in life and if a person cannot offer that then they should reconsider having children. Having children is not a right.

If that was the case though I’d never have got a chance to exist. I’m damn glad my parents who were completely unsuited to parenting did have children anyway (though I was an accident and my mum did consider having an abortion so i guess it was a ‘choice’ even then).

And no one really means it when they talk about the “best possible start”. No one says women who can’t breastfeed shouldn’t have kids, or people who can’t afford private school.

Absolutely if you don’t think you can handle the responsibility of caring for another human being don’t have a kid, but even pretty damn unsuitable people having kids is not always some terrible crime. Plenty of people had subpar childhoods and still are glad to be alive.

its so interesting to see how people have coped both with parents of a sufferer and being a sufferer and a parent.so does it depend on too many variables to say either way until your a parent and your the child you will never know.but there are still always things to put in place.so that both mother/father and child have the best life possible either way.
and I do think that like without the baby as a factor life and coping does depend so much on those around you and the support and love you have.becasue illness,the worst possible suffering can be miraculously coped with when there is others,not as dependence or to put every pressure onto.but support of eactoher.

kateandme
Your posts are very distinctive so I speak not just about this individual post. You sound like a lovely and caring person. But in this as in other instances, I think you are romanticising the struggles. Not everyone has the strength or even the desire to strive to be the parent they need to be for their child when they are in good physical and mental health. Let alone when they are not.

My life as a disabled parent is incredibly difficult. I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet but the handful of people, who really know me and appreciate how ill I am greatly respect and admire my strength. There is no way I would have brought a child into this world had I been ill first. That would have been cruel to a child and suicide for me.

because also there are the sanest of parents.the strongest of emotional health who can go on to fuck their kids up and be bad parents.so there are too many things to consider and you can never tell a "good parent" until its there in front of you.you just hav to be there for yours and your loved ones and support eaohter the best way possible.