To be concerned about DSis' plans

[librarysuperstar]

My DSis has significant mental health problems (mainly depression, anxiety, BPD also suspected) and hasn't been able to work for a couple of years now. She's getting married soon and plans on starting a family soon after. She sent me a text the other day saying that I have to remember she will probably always be mentally quite unwell, described herself as a hermit, said being outside her home makes her feel anxious and unsafe. She says she sleeps a lot and often can't do much, and has very little energy emotionally, physically and mentally. She asked me to think about how hard it is for her to even leave her house to walk the dog with her DP. This was in response to me saying I don't see her much and wish I saw more of her. Anyway that's fine and I respect her situation and mental health is what it is.

AIBU to be quite concerned about how she will cope with parenthood given how long-term mentally unwell she is, how difficult she finds it to be out and about and her energy issues? Tbh there's nothing I can do anyway and I've already raised it as gently as I can but I'm not sure she realises how hard parenting can be at the best of times.

kateandme
Do you have first hand experience of how this “worst possible suffering can be miraculously coped with”?

Have you actually been chronically ill, disabled or had very poor long term mental health and been able to cope?

Until the last few years I managed well in a senior management role.

Excellent. But the OP’s sis hasn’t worked for 2 years and can hardly leave the house.

mummyoflittledragon yes thanks

kateandme
What does “yes thanks” mean?

Excellent. But the OP’s sis hasn’t worked for 2 years and can hardly leave the house

Which is my point. You don’t know the last time I left the house. Or was dragged like a quivering wreck to a psyc appointment.

Things change. I went from one extreme to another. One where I could juggle fifteen things at once, some weeks not being at home for 4 nights a week, to not leaving the house and forgetting what I’d done an hour ago (illness or meds to blame? Still don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️).

I was blind-sided by my diagnosis. I ended up with 5 different diagnosis in 18 months, that all stand and I will live with forever.

But that hasn’t stopped me from being a mum. We all have our own experiences be it as a sufferer, a child of someone who has an illness, a friend or a relative.

Mental health is unique to an individual. I’m compliant with my meds. My family and friends all know the signs to watch out for, incase I’m slipping into depression or mania. They all read my care and support plan. I don’t hide my illness from anyone. I talk about it, I answer peoples questions. I can’t change it lol it’s part of me. I follow all the techniques that’s suggested in my care plan to stabilise my mood. I’m actually quite boring as a psyc patient.

But one thing I have learnt in my journey and I am still at the beginning, is people’s perceptions. They have an image of what a person suffering with mental health problems will be like. But they don’t realise that there are so many people walking around with a diagnosis, holding down full time jobs, supporting a family.

At the end of the day I would say the best people to ask their opinions on whether an individual is stable enough to become a parent is their mental health team. Their psychiatrist, CPN et. They will be the ones who can give an honest answer.

Saying ‘until the last few years’ implies a sustained period of employment, recently broken. Whereas OP’s sister is starting from a point of unemployment and unemployabilty. Your children are considerably older.

My family and friends all know the signs to watch out for, incase I’m slipping into depression or mania.

Which puts a lot of pressure on all of them, as I know from personal experience.

And the sister of one of my best friends has BPD and she’s been called in the middle of the night to talk her sis down from bridges she’s threatening to jump off. It can be very, very stressful being related to someone with serious mental illness.

DieAntword - there is a huge difference between not breastfeeding or sending your child to private school and not being able to get out of bed to look after your children. The two are incomparable and it's pretty insulting to suggest that there are similarities. If you think that having a child that you may not be capable of looking after at all, as in spend no time with as you can't get out of bed, is the same as not breastfeeding then you have a strange view of life!

BlueSky198080 It sounds like the difference between you and the OP's sister is that you have systems and supports in place to help you with your illnesses and your children saw how life can change and they can empathise with that - it sounds like they are great children and I am sure that that is in no small part attributable to you and the type of person you are.

The OP's sister is not capable of looking after herself never mind her children and it sounds like she has not been able to look after herself for quite some time. She needs to be able to manager her own life and issues before deliberately foisting those issues on an innocent child to deal with

@MondayTuesdayWednesday Never said it was the same, I said that we're not really talking about best possible life but where the line of "good enough" is drawn.

And I really doubt anyone has a kid by choice (not some accidental getting knocked up thing) where they are knowingly going to be completely unable to get out of bed or spend any time with the child so I assume this woman knows that not to be the case. She said it's hard to walk the dog, but presumably still does it because she knows the dog needs it.

My mum now she lacks the responsibilities of kids stays in bed most of the time. When she had us she may have dragged us out of bed at the last possible moment for school and got us chocolate on the way as "breakfast" but she did manage to get up and force us to school.

There are young carer organisations out there that ive worked in. We spend time with, take on trips those young carers whose parents/ carers have mh issues. Of course with the consent of the parents

I might get flamed for this but I think it's the epitome of selfishness to have a child when your mental health is poor and unstable, especially if you're relying on that child to magically "fix" you. It rarely works out that way and whilst many parents with MH issues cope well enough to keep their DC, the poor kids have a crap childhood leading to problems in adult life.