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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does baby gender matter?

55 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 22:53

We are really struggling to decide at the moment whether to have a third DC. DH feels ‘complete’ already with our two DSs, but would have another if I would regret not having one.

Whilst in my head I know it makes no practical or financial sense for us to have a third, if I am honest with myself, I feel like the yearning comes from not having had a DD. That’s not to say that I don’t love my two wonderful DSs with all my heart, but I worry I will miss out on not having had a daughter in the future. When I ask myself why, it’s very nonsensical and outdated ideas that I know make no sense in today’s world and I’m annoyed for even thinking them (e.g. being more involved in a daughter’s wedding, with their children, being more accepted as a MIL to a SIL than a DIL, etc.).

I know I may be setting myself up to be shot here, but has anyone else felt like this and how did you move past it? Do you think that there really are qualitative differences between having an adult DS and an adult DD in today’s society?

(I would like to clarify that if we did have a third and it turned out to be another DS, I still think that would be a relief at the moment, as I feel I could embrace having three boys as what I was meant to have rather than never knowing if I might have had a DD. Having said that - getting past not feeling the need to even try for a DD would arguably be a greater relief!!)

OP posts:

shellbecomingroundthemountain · 28/08/2018 22:58

I have two DS and I do know how you feel on occasion.

Plus how you feel shouldn’t be rubbished by anyone else!!

All that being said, I have friends who don’t get on with their mothers. My DH is very close to his mum - they go out for lunches and dinners together and he’ll go round with the kids for a catch up etc.

I think society has programmed people to think that women need daughters when in fact we don’t.

It’s a total cliche but my DS are healthy and happy and if I ever yearn for a dd then I give myself a pinch and look at what I’ve already got

Immigrantsong · 28/08/2018 23:00

No. It never should. All every parent hopes for is a healthy child.

Bluelady · 28/08/2018 23:01

I really wanted a daughter but it wasn't to be. My son's 43 and I still feel something's missing. It's one of the very few things in my life that causes me sadness. My mum was my best friend and I'd have loved to replicate that relationship. I'll never have a granddaughter either, which also makes me sad.

So, after that pity party, I'd say go for it and I hope you get your little girl.

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:04

She’ll be coming - thank you. That’s a really helpful response.

Immigrant song - thank you also. I don’t disagree with you and would have been horrified if I’d read this thread when I was expecting my first two. Of course health is really all that matters and I’m slightly ashamed for feeling this way, but it is nonetheless how I am feeling, so I’m just reaching out for people who may have experienced something similar on an anonymous forum rather that IRL.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 28/08/2018 23:04

No one can deny you your feelings but in the nicest possible way, it should not matter ( do you mean sex btw not gender?).

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/08/2018 23:04

All every parent hopes for is a healthy child.

Well, that's bollocks, isn't it?

Some parents know full well their child will not be 'healthy' but decide to continue a pregnancy anyway (and are you judging them?). Others know their child is healthy but still feel sad about something else, as the OP does. It's not unusual, is it?! And she can't help how she feels.

OP, FWIW, I think you know deep down that the reasons you have for wanting a DD aren't very logical - and you say that. Do you think there's any chance you'd want another if you'd had, say, a son and a daughter? I wonder if you're just coping with that broodiness you get anyway from feeling you're really done?

OwlinaTree · 28/08/2018 23:05

I think a lot of people feel they want to have a child of the same sex as them. I don't think you are unusual at all to feel that way.

I find it an interesting idea that if you have 3 boys it is meant to be rather than forever wondering if number 3 would be female.

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:05

BlueLady - thank you and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. 😢 I’m sure it doesn’t mean you love your DS any less though.

OP posts:

BlueSuffragette · 28/08/2018 23:07

We have 2 DD. I feel complete. In all honesty DH adores our DD, but if time and my health would have allowed another try then he would have liked a DS..however it didn't and we are very happy. He occasionally says sometimes, I wonder what it would have been like...had we met ealier, had a 3rd baby..but we know we are very fortunate to have each other these past 20 yrs and 2 wonderful happy healthy DD. Sometimes things are meant to be. However, if wondering 'what if', will always have a big impact by constantly playing on your mind then go for it, if your family circumstances enable you to.

DramaAlpaca · 28/08/2018 23:08

I've three adult DSes in their early 20s. They are fab, very loving and we have a close relationship. I really don't feel I've missed out on not having a DD. I've honestly never felt that I 'needed' to have a daughter so I suppose I can't really identify with that. I thought DC3 was going to be a girl as the pregnancy was so different, but when we found out at the 20 week scan that the baby was actually DS3, I was surprised but really happy. I sort of felt complete after he was born, like I had the three children I wanted and three boys was what I was supposed to have.

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:10

All really helpful responses thank you!

And yes, I mean sex.

OP posts:

happymummy12345 · 28/08/2018 23:12

I've always wanted a daughter. Our first baby was a boy.
Don't get me wrong I completely understand that a baby of either sex is a blessing and some women unfortunately are not able to have biological children (my own mother in law in fact), and they may say I'm very selfish.
Of course I'm happy and I love my son. But there is still that want for a girl. I'm 25 and my husband and I plan to have another baby in a few years. If we have another boy I'm not sure what we will do after that.

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:12

LRD - do people get broody when they feel they are done? I haven’t heard of this phenomenon before but is helpful to consider. Thank you.

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 28/08/2018 23:12

I think it depends on the person. The sex of my babies mattered to me a lot. I know others who didn't give it a second thought. I think most people are somewhere in between.

Whatever you feel, I don't think it's wrong. It's just there are times, places and company where it isn't appropriate to voice the thoughts.

DC2018 · 28/08/2018 23:12

It sounds to me that you are more on the fence about having a 3rd child and your fantasy about number 3 being a DD is just tempting you to try but it may he a DS which you think would still complete your family ...So you need to remove sex from the equation completely and think about how a unisex 3rd child would change your family dynamics, finances etc x

SandyY2K · 28/08/2018 23:13

It can matter to some people. I have two DDs....I feel like I might have tried again (for a girl) if I had 2 DSs...but I know it's a toss of a coin as to what gender you have.

So I'd say don't try for a third...unless you want 3 DC...not just because you want a DD.

A friend of ours was so depressed after her 3rd DD....she wasn't able to bond with her for several weeks. She couldn't/wouldn't even breastfeed her. She left the house one day feeling so low (I think she had PND) and saw a family with a DS with a severe disability. In that moment she realised how lucky she was to have a healthy child and went home.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/08/2018 23:16

trains - oh, gosh, yes! I think it is really common, from what friends say. Apparently, there's biological reasons for it - if you've successfully had babies, your hormones will tell you to keep on at it, because that's how the species would continue. I don't know how much that matters, but I think getting broody is a natural stage in figuring out that you might not have another one.

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:16

Thank you everyone. It seems that what I’m feeling is quite a common and painful experience, which is difficult to admit to. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences x

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 28/08/2018 23:19

Re feeling broody. Me and DH agree we are done. I'm getting old. We have two children. We are not having any more for many good reasons, and I'm fine with that. But I'm still broody at the moment, my baby has just turned two and I'm really missing having a baby. So I know what the op means.

DramaAlpaca · 28/08/2018 23:20

I knew I was done after DS3 was born, but I got broody again as I hit peri-menopause. My youngest DS was around 11 or so. It was just my ageing ovaries wanting a last hurrah, but oh! the broodiness for a while... I got over it got a puppy and that feeling is long gone now.

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:21

Maybe I need a dog then?! A girl one 😉

OP posts:

DrWhy · 28/08/2018 23:22

I have one DS and would actually have rather liked a second. I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy and more interested in stereotypically male work and hobbies so I sort of feel like boys will be easier for me to relate to. I’m pregnant now and know it will be a DD (harmony test so no doubt!). I’m honestly a bit worried about how well I can parent a girl but then I feel guilty like I somehow feel girls are more difficult or less valuable and that’s obviously just wrong and unfair - I guess I just have to parent her exactly like her brother and if she turns out to love fashion and make up send her on regular holidays to her aunt!
It does sound more like you are on the fence about a 3rd and if you could see into the future the sex might just tip the balance. I think you have to decide would having 3 children, even 3 boys, make you happier than having 2 children

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/08/2018 23:26

Having a child is a wonderful gift. Gender never mattered to me, but only being able to have 1 child I felt blessed with my girl

DramaAlpaca · 28/08/2018 23:28

Haha Trains, yes I got a girl dog

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:31

This is so helpful and is really helping me question what is really going on in my head. Thank you.

Ain’t nothing - I’d just like to reiterate how ashamed I am to be feeling like this when I have been blessed with two wonderful and healthy DSs. It’s not a feeling I’m comfortable with and I apologise if I have caused you or anyone any offence. It’s also good to be sharply reminded of how blessed I am to be in this predicament.

OP posts:

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