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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does baby gender matter?

55 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 22:53

We are really struggling to decide at the moment whether to have a third DC. DH feels ‘complete’ already with our two DSs, but would have another if I would regret not having one.

Whilst in my head I know it makes no practical or financial sense for us to have a third, if I am honest with myself, I feel like the yearning comes from not having had a DD. That’s not to say that I don’t love my two wonderful DSs with all my heart, but I worry I will miss out on not having had a daughter in the future. When I ask myself why, it’s very nonsensical and outdated ideas that I know make no sense in today’s world and I’m annoyed for even thinking them (e.g. being more involved in a daughter’s wedding, with their children, being more accepted as a MIL to a SIL than a DIL, etc.).

I know I may be setting myself up to be shot here, but has anyone else felt like this and how did you move past it? Do you think that there really are qualitative differences between having an adult DS and an adult DD in today’s society?

(I would like to clarify that if we did have a third and it turned out to be another DS, I still think that would be a relief at the moment, as I feel I could embrace having three boys as what I was meant to have rather than never knowing if I might have had a DD. Having said that - getting past not feeling the need to even try for a DD would arguably be a greater relief!!)

OP posts:

BuntyII · 28/08/2018 23:33

YANBU. I think it's probably pretty normal to hope to get the chance to raise a boy and a girl?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/08/2018 23:34

You certainly didn’t offend me at all!

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:35

😊

OP posts:

Dermymc · 28/08/2018 23:36

You can't guarantee a dd. Therefore if all you want is a dd, don't try. If you want a third child then try

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/08/2018 23:37

Very sweet of you to care and think you may have upset someone, you didn’t. Not unreasonable at all to have a 3 rd child.
I’m sure he or she will be very much loved

Original poster

TrainsandDiggers · 28/08/2018 23:41

Thank you x

OP posts:

Mandarine · 28/08/2018 23:49

I think you should go for number 3 OP. No guarantees it will be a girl, but 3 DC are fantastic in any combo. I have a DS and two DDs and I would say I have a slightly different bond to the girls than to DS. Neither is stronger, just different in a way it’s hard to put your finger on. Having said that, my girls are like chalk and cheese. You never know what your going to get, but there is never a dull minute with three, so you won’t have time to wonder about it!

LeighaJ · 28/08/2018 23:50

I think there's a reason why so many planning on only 2 kids wish for 1 boy and 1 girl. So I think your desire is quite normal.

Before I had a child I could picture myself as a Mother to a son more easily then one to a daughter, but I know those thoughts were related to my childhood. I was always positive I'd have a daughter though. I think if I had only sons I'd have longed for a daughter.

If you have another boy though, just remember there are always grandkids.

babbscrabbs · 28/08/2018 23:51

No one should be shaming you or making you feel bad for feeling this way. It's very common and as long as you're not rubbing it in people who might be upset's faces I think it's good to talk about it.

I decided to stick with two children. It was a head not a heart decision. It would mean fewer opportunities and time with the ones I have and we are old and tired and the planet is seriously overpopulated. Also a few friends' third children had serious health issues or it caused the mum issues and that helped me to count my blessings.

Both DH and I wanted three or four originally, but I know any feeling I have of wanting another is purely primal and not logical - we are designed to want to recreate continuously, it's our very purpose to keep the human race in existence. Once you recognise it as a primal biological urge it might help you work out what you really want. Can you live without having another?

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 23:54

All every parent hopes for is a healthy child
Actually no. I know people who only wanted boys or (usually) only wanted girls
For most people, who are lucky, having a very ill baby isn't really something they think about much, having never experienced it. And many people would conversely be just as happy with a disabled child as a non-disabled child.

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 23:55

Don't have a 3rd if you would be gutted to find out it was a boy.
I know a few like this and they have been disappointed. I know people say you won't regret it when the baby's here but they do, and you will still have that feeling of emptiness.

NickMyLipple · 29/08/2018 00:03

I was so convinced that when I was pregnant my baby was a boy.

She wasn't and she is now 5 months old.

I love her to bits but I still look at her and think "You should be a boy!"

I'm very nervous about considering #2 because I feel like if it was another girl, there would be a pang of disappointment and I really am not sure how that could inadvertently reflect back to my child.

Sex disappointment is a real thing and it's bollocks to say that most people truly don't care or don't have any kind of tiny preference. It's not socially acceptable to discuss your preferences but I think lots of people have them!

Pitapotamus · 29/08/2018 00:11

I had two sons and went for a third. I asked myself whether, even though I was undeniably hoping for a girl, if I could be sure 100% it would be a boy, would I still go for a third? I decided I would want a third even if he was a boy and so I did and he is amazing!

I found out at the 20 wk scan that he was a boy and I was desperately upset as the pregnancy had been so different to the others I had started to think there was a possibility of a girl. By the time he was born I’d come to terms with it and I bonded with him quicker than I had with his brothers. It was really helpful to find out before he was born so I could “get over it” and look forward to having a third boy.

I still feel that something is missing and that I “need” a daughter but it doesn’t impact on how wanted my ds3 is. I agree with your rationale as well, it’s not logical but somehow I feel like I would have a closer adult relationship with a daughter.

I understand that people think it ungrateful (and they’re right) but you can’t help how you feel and it makes it even more difficult that you have to feel guilty about those feelings and that you can’t talk about it in real life.

CookPassBabtridge · 29/08/2018 10:10

LRD Of course every parent hopes for a healthy child but if it is ill then they love it regardless. But I doubt anyone hopes for it to be unwell..

I get you OP, your ideas are a bit outdated but do still apply often.

Twotailed · 29/08/2018 10:17

I do understand your feelings OP! Our society puts a lot of weird emphasis on the mother / daughter relationship, so it’s not surprising you worry about missing out. I know a lady who calls her first grandchild ‘sonia’s grandchild’ (rather than hers equally) because Sonia is the maternal grandmother and she’s the paternal one. And I know my own mum felt much more involved in my wedding than my brother’s.

It should be this way - but it often is.

If you want a third child anyway and would be as delighted with another son then go for it - but see it as a happy bonus if it’s a daughter, rather than trying for a daughter specifically.

Otherwise, I hope you get nice DILs (or SILs)! My MIL only has sons so we made sure she was as included in our wedding planning as my own mum was (she’s lovely so it was no hardship). She came to all our appointments etc and shared the whole day with us. And when we have a child I’ll ensure it’s just as much her grandchild as my mum’s. I hope that if your sons grow up to marry, their partners are really inclusive and supportive.

Twotailed · 29/08/2018 10:18

That is meant to say ‘it shouldn’t be this way!

Cutesbabasmummy · 29/08/2018 10:25

We wanted a girl and got a boy. He was much wanted and very expensive (ivf!) and is the absolutely joy of both our lives. But there is a teeny par of me that is sad that I wont replicate the relationship I have with my mum. We're not having more children. However I wouldn't change my boy for anything because I love him just the way he is.

Amanduh · 29/08/2018 10:38

My brother and SIL wanted a boy and got two girls. When they found out 2nd dc was a girl they made a lot of noise about how they wished she was a boy, even went for extra scans etc as if they could somehow wish her in to a boy!
Now she’s here of course they wouldn’t change her for the world. I have heard a LOT of men wishing for a son and getting a daughter, but again once baby is here they wouldnt change them! They still long for boys though and I think that’s fine, doesn’t mean they love their girls less, but it is sad if it’s all they think every time they see their babies.

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/08/2018 10:50

I have 2 DSs and one DIL who is utterly lovely. (Reading MN will fill you with panic at the thought of DILs) It was lovely to get both DSs into primary school age without a pre-schooler tagging along - primary years are great, so much enthusiasm and desire to learn. (Teenage years too are wonderful, as are 20s.) The more children you have the wider the age group, and the less easy it is to do things as a family.

As to broodiness - got a bad dose last year, by which time the ship had well and truly sailed, and reached the other side of the world. Maybe it's nature's way of motivating GMs to provide free childcare?

MsHopey · 29/08/2018 10:52

DHs brother is 24, has a wife and a child, and they all live at home with MIL. MIL was at the birth of their baby (not SILs mom), and MIL helped plan their wedding.
All I'm saying is you don't know what will happen. SIL loves her family, but she's bonded really well with MIL and she has been centred in a lot of their biggest life events. Just because you have boys doesn't mean in years to come you want have a relationship with a DIL that is so close they feel like you daughter and you get to be a massive part of the big life stuff.

Me and DH enjoy our own little family and haven't had either my mother or his help with wedding, babysitting, birth stuff. We're very happy being mostly independent and raising our little family. So my mom didn't help me plan my wedding, or help with the birth, or look after our DS, which shows just because you have a daughter doesn't mean your going to get everything you're hoping for either.

Dreamingofkfc · 29/08/2018 11:11

I've just had my third boy, I love my boys and was genuinely pleased about having another boy. Alot of my friends, EPs those with two boys have said they would have anothet, if they could guarantee a girl but because they can't are stopping at two. I don't feel this way. If anything I would like four, but if my fourth was a girl I think it would mess things up slightly so makes me think maybe I'm done. Although that makes me sad too!

OutPinked · 29/08/2018 11:16

A friend of my Mother’s had five children until she got her DS. She was absolutely desperate to ‘give her husband a son’ . All five deliveries were c-section as well so very risky to keep reopening the wound.

The desperation was unreal and I never understood it. Maybe that is because I have been ‘lucky’ and have the ‘perfect mix’ of two boys and two girls. I consider myself far more fortunate that all four are healthy touch wood.

sweetcherrycake · 29/08/2018 11:29

ah i understand what you mean OP...
i have a DS and when found out i was pregnant again i was praying it would be a boy - not that i didn't want a girl just because my MIL is a compete twat and constantly says how much she prefers girls to boys how boys are smelly and how girls are so pretty and buy cute pink crap - also she had 3 GD and 1 GS (my son) - when i found out i was expecting a girl i cried and cried i was so gutted - not because i didn't want one just because i new they would be treated different i new my son would be pushed out more... 3 years later he is..its very sad and im trying my hardest to cut ties and failing thanks to walk over DH....

i hope if you do go for it you do get ur girl good luck

AnEPleaseBob · 29/08/2018 11:31

Well, that's bollocks, isn't it?Some parents know full well their child will not be 'healthy' but decide to continue a pregnancy anyway (and are you judging them?)

What a ridiculous comment! Having been one of those parents I can assure that you do hope for a healthy child, in that you hoped for that before you got the bad news, and a part of you keeps hoping that maybe it was a mistake, maybe it will be healthy after all.
Nobody hopes for an unhealthy child, do they? Of course all parents hope for a healthy child!

user1490465531 · 29/08/2018 12:05

Reading the MIL threads on here I'm glad I've got a dd.

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