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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was a home truth my DM NEEDED to hear?

58 replies

ManicUnicorn · 27/08/2018 11:19

My DM drinks. She has always liked a drink and does so every single day, rarely having a day off from it. Most nights she passes out on the sofa having drunk at least a bottle of wine. On the weekends she is worse, starting at around lunchtime then passing out late afternoon, waking up and then continuing again until bedtime. Whenever she goes out she is a total and utter embarrassment, loud, lairy, rude and opinionated. She has upset and offenddd a lot of people doing this, but the next day can never remember. She has made scenes and shown herself up at weddings, christenings and yes, even funerals. She is totally incapable of moderating her drinking or doing so responsibly.

She is very defensive when her drinking is criticised or someone suggests she cuts back a little. If I want a drink, I'll have one is her favourite response, or I'll drink what I like. She shuts down any discussion, and is totally oblivious to the distress she is causing her family when she's making an exhibition of herself. She is IMO quite troubled anyway, has I think undiagnosed mental health problems and as admitted in the past she drinks to help her unwind.

So get to the point. My DF used to drink a fair bit as well, but was always much better at handling it. However last year he had a health scare, which really frightened him and he has totally cut back it. He now rarely drinks in the weeek and only has a few onw weekends. He's lost a stone in weight and looks really well. He's also noticing my DM's drinking more and is starting to comment. It's not going down well...

When drinking has becomes quite nasty to him. Snipping and trying to get an argument from him, which he's usually pretty good at ignoring. However last night he snapped and told her she was a 'a total and utter fucking pisshead'. That was it she went on ag him all night 'I'm going to get another drink because I'm a pisshead', 'would you like a drink Manic, because then we can be pissheads together', 'I'm going to bed now because I'm drunk and I'm a pisshead'. I just ignored it, but really he's right isn't he? She's just a massjve pisshead. One that I'm totally and utterly ashamed of.

She needed to hear it didn't she? And it clearly rattled her cage. I so wanted go back my DF up because he's totally right but DM and I have a difficult relationship at the best of times and it wouldn't have been worth the row that and sulk and then slagging off to the rest of the family that I'd have been subject to.

Why can she realise how much she shames us all?

OP posts:

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/08/2018 11:23

She's not a pisshead she's a raging alcoholic and yes needed to hear it although it sounds like it should have been done more constructively, while she was sober and a long time ago

QuietNinjaTardis · 27/08/2018 11:24

Because she’s an alcoholic. She won’t hear you until she’s ready to listen. My mum is in her 70s and still not ready to listen. I’ve rthe years I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that she loves alcohol more than she loves me and my sibling.

BlueJava · 27/08/2018 11:29

Speaking from experiene you'll do nothing with an alcoholic until they want to help themselves. Personally I'd distance myself to reduce the incidents when she can embarrass you. Yes it's his mum, but from my experience with my father nothing will actually work - and certainly not calling her a pisshead when she is already drunk.

escape · 27/08/2018 11:33

You have described my Mother, she's not a pisshead, she's an alcoholic in complete denial. My Mother was dead in her bed aged 49, after being there the best part of a week - Ironically , no cause of death determined.
Your post has reminded me of those utterly bereft days of hating her as she had no idea what she was doing to us and never ever, not once , took responsibility for her addiction.
Of course my Dad left her, after 27 years, and she let him and continued. She went to a very expensive rehab where she didn't touch a drop for 12 weeks, came out and stopped at the bottle shop on her way home.
This is only going one way..
My heart goes out to you.

Original poster

ManicUnicorn · 27/08/2018 11:33

I accepted a long time ago that she won't change until she's ready to. Calling her a pisshead maybe wasn't the best thing to do, but she was really goady with him for no reason whatsoever and he just flipped. I'm not sure how he puts up with it?

OP posts:

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/08/2018 11:41

Why can she realise how much she shames us all?

She is in denial about her addiction. She is an alcoholic. So sorry for you OP. If I were you though I would be speaking out like your dad. She won't like it but she needs to hear it. I don't think she will listen, it's possible she will, but i think you need to be braver about saying it. Rather than angrily calling her a pisshead has anyone actually sat her down and told her that they fear she is an alcoholic and will send herself into an early grave. If you ever drink with her stop doing it as well.

Other than that I have no advice, remember she has an illness and will need help. If you can get her to a GP do but as others have said she will only combat it when she is ready to admit her problem to herself.

dizzy174 · 27/08/2018 11:48

is it possible to film her behaviour? it may help her to remember!

DoinItForTheKids · 27/08/2018 11:49

A friend's dad was an alcoholic. She went to al-anon.org/ meetings and found them really useful and it helped her decide how to approach it from her end, what was realistic to expect and what wasn't, that sort of thing. Might be helpful as understanding an addict's mind and thought processes is difficult to get your head round and whilst we know that person is suffering, living with an addict regardless of the substance they choose to use, is absolutely awful.

Original poster

ManicUnicorn · 27/08/2018 11:53

She is very reluctant about seeing her GP for anything. Ive wondered if this is because she's worried a blood test might flag up liver problems and then she'd have to stop? Im not a big drinker and don't drink with her BTW, so that's not an issue.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 27/08/2018 11:54

The bit of your post that made me sad was that you said you wanted to stick up for your father but didn't. The poor man is living with a raging alcholic - please support him!

You are worried about a row, a sulk and a slagging off? So bloody what? Your mother is a pain in the neck and will continue to be until she sorts herself out. Please support your father in whichever way you can.

Aside from that I cannot understand why you would spend any time with the woman. She sounds nasty.

Gersemi · 27/08/2018 12:00

Can you and your father sit down with her early in the day and have a conversation with her about this? She will probably continue to deny it, but at least it will plant the seed.

Original poster

ManicUnicorn · 27/08/2018 12:01

You are right Chamomiletea. I know I should have backed him up more, but Ive always struggled to stand up DM. She is very overbearing even when sober.

OP posts:

deepsea · 27/08/2018 12:10

Your GP can prescribe medication that will help her to stop drinking.

Why don't you speak to her gently and calmly about cutting down as you are so worried how this is going to end for her.

Wishiwasa · 27/08/2018 12:14

My heart goes out to you. It is so difficult as there isn't anything you can do until the person actually wants to make the change. Definitely I'd say from experience don't bring up her drinking when she's already had a drink as IME that only fans the flames. She probably knows as she got so defensive about it (well, passive aggressive), and is probably ashamed, guilty and frightened of stopping. Or could be in complete denial and have no intention of changing ever. Either way the first step will have to come from her. Let your father know how proud you are of him for taking the positive changes in his life that he has. Perhaps let your mum know you are there for her if she wants to look at her drinking. However, first and foremost look after yourself and your best interests. You are in an impossible situation with someone you love and that is so hard to deal with. Sorry if this rambles somewhat!

Original poster

ManicUnicorn · 27/08/2018 12:19

Being passive aggressive and sulky is her default setting. I see her as being very emotionally immature. I work with young kids and when you challenge or disagree with her she behaves exactly like a four/five year old does when you tell them off. Think hurt little looks, pouting, sighing and huffing etc.

OP posts:

RabbitsAreTasty · 27/08/2018 12:24

You don't need to stand up for your dad in front of your alcoholic mother. As you know, it won't have make any real change.

Have you told your father that if he chooses to LTB, he will have your support. You would respect his decision to leave her due to her alcoholism and would not think badly of him.

For now if I were you I might suggest that you and he go to al-anon together.

user1492863869 · 27/08/2018 12:25

I guarantee she knows she has a problem and is ashamed of herself. She will be in a cycle of shame and depression, needing alcohol to block the pain and not recognising she is mentally and physically addicted. But like a lot of people she doesn’t understand her addiction or her depression but she will know what she is doing isn’t right or good for her. It doesn’t matter whether depression caused the alcoholism or the alcoholism caused the depression, she is still an alcoholic. That means she needs to accept this and never drink again. Curing depression won’t enable her to drink moderately.

She won’t realise the impact on you or your father because she is no longer capable of engaging in a healthy relationship. Her only relationship is with alcohol. It will be all she really thinks about. I am sure you both love her but you can no longer have a relationship with her because, as long as she drinks, she is not the person you need her to be. You can’t help her, only yourself and your father.

I think you and your father should take some time out to discuss what is best for you and him. You can’t set her boundaries but you can set yours. Please go to a support group for families and learn more about this and how to help yourselves. If there is one thing you do, do this. By all means tell her what you think of her but not when she is drunk. That you think she is alcoholic, you are ashamed of her and she has been abusive to you and your father. I don’t think it will do any good. Get help for yourself and your father, become stronger and find out more about the disease. Nothing she says is worth listening to whilst she drinks, it will not be true.

I think the future is one in which she gives up the drink or you and your father give up your relationships with her. Please also don’t be fooled by a few weeks or months of abstinence. All alcoholics can give up for a period of time and convince themselves they never had the disease or can now manage it. This is an absolute sign they are still in the grip of the disease. She’s going to have to have been dry for 12 months before she can judge her relationship with alcohol. Then you decide if you can have a relationship with her.

Maelstrop · 27/08/2018 12:27

Do you live with her? As other pp have said, you have described my mother. She has to be told not to ruin events, like engagement parties, weddings. She’s a fucking embarrassment and a disgrace. At 80, she’s sadly not going to change and going back 30 years, I tried and failed to get her to change. Pointless and just caused cold silences and the phone being put down on me when she asked why I come up so rarely.

All you can do is support your dad. Maybe point him in the direction of a support network for families of alcoholics. I feel desperately sorry that you’re in this position. To echo another pp, my mum and yours love booze more than anything else. The stupid comments from her are pure defence, you can react or go lc.

BewareOfDragons · 27/08/2018 12:32

Why are you so concerned about why she says to your extended family? I'm sure they all know that she's a raging alcoholic as well and she's probably embarrassed herself in front of them frequently enough for them to not give any thought to what comes out of her mouth about other people.

I'd back up your dad. I'd also encourage him to leave her, frankly, and to continue on his recovery to good health and not put up with your mother's crap. And I can't even begin to imagine how much money is being wasted on that amount of alcohol day in and day out!

DolorestheNewt · 27/08/2018 12:39

For now if I were you I might suggest that you and he go to Al-Anon together.
This. (Whether your DF wants to go or not, actually, I would encourage you to go. Al Anon is for relatives of alcoholics, and AA is the fellowship that alcoholics themselves attend. There are an awful lot of people supporting each other in this horrible situation at Al Anon,)

diddl · 27/08/2018 12:39

"He's also noticing my DM's drinking more and is starting to comment. It's not going down well... "

Well to be fair it wouldn't would it?

She has been like this for years & only now he's saying something?

Sounds as if he was a pretty heavy drinker also, just maybe not an embarrassment with it?

Well done for him that he's managed to just cut back by the sounds of things, clearly your mum can't.

Original poster

ManicUnicorn · 27/08/2018 12:41

I'm staying with them at the moment, which is probably not ideal. She has always drunk a lot, for as long as I can remember and I thought this was normal and everyone's mum did it until I grew up and I realised that they don't. Its never interfered with her daily life and she always always been able to hold down a job etc. The nastiness when under the influence is a new development, but she been making scenes when drunk my whole life.

DF used to drink just as much but has cut back due to health concerns and I think the Classic thing has happened where he's suddenly realised what she's like.

OP posts:

pointythings · 27/08/2018 12:44

I think you need to focus on supporting your DF and on both of you finding some support to put boundaries in place. Your DM will not stop drinking until she is ready to do so. It may be the case that your DF will need to leave her.

Make sure you and your DF form a united front and support each other. There isn't likely to be a happy ending to this, but with help you can at least make it as bearable as possible for both of you.

LittleYellowLifejacket · 27/08/2018 12:49

It appears from your post that your biggest worry is that she's embarrassing. I know this is probably not the case but you need to think about what message your mum is getting.

She'll probably respond better to 'we're worried about your health' than 'ffs, you're an embarrassment'

Singlenotsingle · 27/08/2018 12:53

It's not just her being embarrassing either, is it? My sister died at 58 from alchohol related problems and I don't think she drank nearly as much as your DM although she was in denial so who knows? First she went a bit unsound mentally, thinking everyone was out to "get" her. Then the belly swells up with fluid, and the organs just shut down one by one. It was heartbreaking. She never got to meet 2 of her dgc. I don't know what you can do about it though I she doesn't want to be helped.

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