To think this was a home truth my DM NEEDED to hear?

[ManicUnicorn]

My DM drinks. She has always liked a drink and does so every single day, rarely having a day off from it. Most nights she passes out on the sofa having drunk at least a bottle of wine. On the weekends she is worse, starting at around lunchtime then passing out late afternoon, waking up and then continuing again until bedtime. Whenever she goes out she is a total and utter embarrassment, loud, lairy, rude and opinionated. She has upset and offenddd a lot of people doing this, but the next day can never remember. She has made scenes and shown herself up at weddings, christenings and yes, even funerals. She is totally incapable of moderating her drinking or doing so responsibly.

She is very defensive when her drinking is criticised or someone suggests she cuts back a little. If I want a drink, I'll have one is her favourite response, or I'll drink what I like. She shuts down any discussion, and is totally oblivious to the distress she is causing her family when she's making an exhibition of herself. She is IMO quite troubled anyway, has I think undiagnosed mental health problems and as admitted in the past she drinks to help her unwind.

So get to the point. My DF used to drink a fair bit as well, but was always much better at handling it. However last year he had a health scare, which really frightened him and he has totally cut back it. He now rarely drinks in the weeek and only has a few onw weekends. He's lost a stone in weight and looks really well. He's also noticing my DM's drinking more and is starting to comment. It's not going down well...

When drinking has becomes quite nasty to him. Snipping and trying to get an argument from him, which he's usually pretty good at ignoring. However last night he snapped and told her she was a 'a total and utter fucking pisshead'. That was it she went on ag him all night 'I'm going to get another drink because I'm a pisshead', 'would you like a drink Manic, because then we can be pissheads together', 'I'm going to bed now because I'm drunk and I'm a pisshead'. I just ignored it, but really he's right isn't he? She's just a massjve pisshead. One that I'm totally and utterly ashamed of.

She needed to hear it didn't she? And it clearly rattled her cage. I so wanted go back my DF up because he's totally right but DM and I have a difficult relationship at the best of times and it wouldn't have been worth the row that and sulk and then slagging off to the rest of the family that I'd have been subject to.

Why can she realise how much she shames us all?

To be honest, for someone's who drinks so much she is in pretty good health for her age, she has arthritis but that's it mainly. I suppose one day it will probably all catch up with her though.

But she is so, so embarrassing and I know it's only her it's reflecting on, but you can't help but feel mortified when she makes a show of herself. Some of her antics have become family folklore they are that bad.

I could have written this post. Worked through this with a therapist who taught me that I can't change my mum but I can change how I react to her. For me, that's meant cutting down in visits, never calling in the afternoon once drinking has started and trying to use email as a way of keeping in contact. I've talked to my mum when she was sober about my concerns and sadness and it's made not a jot of difference. So all you (and I) can do is protect ourselves as much as possible by limiting the impact of the self destructive behaviour. Good luck xx

Leave lots of literature around about what excessive drinking does to the liver, oesophagus and brain cells.

She probably needs to hear that she's an alcoholic tbh and it probably needs to come from someone who isn't your DF.
It sounds as though he enabled and condoned her drinking for years so I doubt she'll be open to hearing his pov now he's suddenly become aware of how damaging it is.
Also, lots of parents are embarrassing. That's not really the problem. The problem is she's an alcoholic.

IMHO, your dad (and you) need to leave, for all your sakes. Living with an alcoholic is soul destroying. Perhaps having her DH and DD walk out on her will be the wake up call she needs.

Are you an only child? If not, can you get your siblings involved?

And well done to your dad for starting to control his own drinking.

im on ur side and ur df.but there is the difference.your dad drunk lots.but ur mum is an alchoholic.which means there bahaviours.getting free of it.and putting it to one side will be very different and with your mum being an addict it comes intwined with the mental health side too.
IM NOT SAYING WHAT YOUR DAD DID ISNT FANTASTIC.all praise to him.but its very different for addicts.
for your own piece of mind have you ever sat with her when all is more calm.sober moments?said you see something in her and want her to know if she ever needed you to help with this you would be there and do anything you could?
for your mum to be an addict for this long she will be in a constant battle of depression.shame.anger and confusion.she will hate herself and her illness but not have a clue how to stop.or being with it for so long no who she is without it so wants and needs it more than ever.
it is not your fault having lived with it for so long but she will be ashamed of the shame she feels from you lots now too.and not being able to stop it will only continue that cycle.
god her behaviour has been appalling.but this isn't your mam especially after so long this is a woman completely taken over by a terrible addiction.

DF won't leave. I just can't ever see that happening. I do agree that he's enabled her behaviour for a very long time though.

I have a DB who has sort of detached from her a bit, which I wish I could do. Privately he's told me he thinks she's an alcoholic though.

I thought you were going to say she was really told a home truth about how her drinking affects herself and others. 'pisshead' is hardly a 'home truth'. In fact, it isn't saying anything at all.

So I'm still waiting for what the actual home truth was that was said.

Also have an alcoholic mother, and recognise the difficulty of doing the right thing by her versus the right thing for yourself and/or the wider family. I'm not sure that she 'needed to hear it' so much as that he clearly needed to say it. As pp have said, alcoholics don't change unless they want to, and often not even then. But I think it was important for DF to acknowledge what she's doing, the extent to which he's been enabling her, and perhaps start to think about what changes he might make. Perhaps it was your presence there that helped him do that, so don't feel that you're of no support just because it was difficult to speak up too. These are hard things to cope with.

Salem she is a pisshead though, pisshead means someone who drinks far too much and shows themselves up, which she does. Often.

Your DM is indeed a total and utter fucking pisshead but there's no point in telling her that - or anything else - when she's pissed. All that gets your DF is a load of abuse. Never talk to a drunk about their drinking unless you are both sober.

She's a raging alcoholic but she won't change unless or until she wants to. While you and your DF don't tell her coolly and factually how her drinking affects you, she can deny it's a problem. She needs to be asked to listen to your accounts of her behaviour - perhaps you could read out your OP - and your DF could tell her he supports every word. And then you need her to understand that your DF can't be asked to live with this indefinitely, that sooner or later she's going to be on her own with the drink.

Your DM really is particularly antisocial in her drinking habits. I wonder why anyone invites your DM to anything. It might bring her up short if faced with some consequences, i.e no invitations unless she stays sober throughout the event. If she gets wrecked and the event is spoilt, she's not going to be invited anywhere for a fixed period - two months?

And your DF needs support for his own drinking and for coping with DM. Agree with previous posters that he might be better off living apart from DM. She sounds dreadful

Exactly what @bluejava said.
I've been dealing with my alcoholic father for decades now, we have tried every method under the sun. I have now accepted it his his problem, not mine and I have distanced myself to protect my children from the pain it causes.

Your DB detached, so can you. Why the defeatist attitude? Is it a genetic trait being hooked on things that are bad for you?

I have lots of sympathy and empathy. My dad is similar. He has drunk so much for so long that he has alcohol induced dementia. Watching him and his life unravel and not be able to do anything about it has been frustrating and deeply hurtful as he has prioritised drink over his children and grandchildren.

Hope truths are all fine and dandy.

You can tell people that theyre drinking too much until the cows come home (Wherever the cows have gone)
However people have to have their own epithany. If she doesn't want to give up your home truths aRe neither here nor there.
Also I'm only going to say this because I feel I have to. In your mums defense if people telling me what and how much to drink. I think I'd get defensive.
No one likes being told what to do.

I think the only thing that would make her stop would be for her to have a major health scare, much like my Dad did actually. Either that or getting done for drink driving, but that won't happen as she's very careful about when she drives the morning after a skinfull.

I also think you should film her drunken behaviour and show her when she's more sober. I know someone married to a family member like this and she ruins every family get together which would otherwise be lovely and no-one close to her has the balls to tell her she's ruining their lives. I see it as very selfish toxic behaviour. She needs a massive wake up call for her sake as much as yours.

You can't force a wake up call on a person with an addiction. It doesn't work like that. I wish it did. That would make life a lot easier for an awful lot of people.

What are your options Magic?

I mean manic. I have stoopid fingers but hate autocorrect

She ruins most family gatherings. An early memory is of her vomiting all over her sister and brother in laws landing, stairs and bathroom after a barbecue and having to be carried home. We thought it was funny at the time, but it's not is it? Another time she 'popped' around to her neighbours for a drink and and ended up smashing a load expensive champagne glasses that had been a wedding present. She did have the good grace to replace those though..

And this is before we get to all of the times she's insulted or been rude to someone.

LittleYellowLifejacket It may sound strange to you but my biggest worry for my mum is that she is embarrassing (in the sense of humiliating, shameless, hurtful, inappropriate verbally and physically, acting out) because the time when it was all about concern for her health is long past.

And telling her she's an embarrassment is actually the only thing that seems to give my mother a bit of a wake up call and a signal to keep it down to a dull roar on certain occasions. See, she can kid herself she's not an alcoholic because she never drinks during the day (except for all those times when she does - but they don't count for whatever convoluted reasoning) but she can't kid me or my dad or my kids or actually most people but she doesn't see that. What she can't stand is losing face in front of neighbours, friends and certain extended family members and she'd be horrified if they were to see her go the length of her drunken nastiness so (and it's very weird because she certainly won't try and control herself for us) she somehow manages to control her intake AND moderate her behaviour around them.

You could try sitting her down and saying you're worried for her health but it sounds like she's in denial. Do you think it started as a social coping strategy or is it down to depression or, an escape from something traumatic? A relative is an alcoholic, its down to the trauma of a childhood incident. An ex partner's Mum drank over her partner dying v young. (George Best drank due to social anxiety). Whichever it is, I think her GP is your first route. Counselling isn't going to work unless it's alongside formal, structured, residential rehab.

Ive wondered that CSI and I actually dont really know? What I do know is that my grandparents only ever drank on occasions like Christmas or weddings etc and never had alcohol in the house. So no history of dependency in the family. Believe it or not DM is actually very outgoing and sociable when sober, and has never been shy.

She does struggle with stress, and has she told me in the past she drinks to help her releax and unwind. This was a long time ago though.

I think there's a lot of issues you and your DM are struggling with. Your relationship is not the best by the sound of it & she is self medicating with alcohol as you point out she most probably has mental heath issues. Alcoholism is an addiction & an illness. I hate it when people say 'they aren't ready to deal with it' as many people have on this thread (apologies if I offend anyone saying this). It just sounds like a way of copping out & not helping that person or dealing with the elephant in the room. It is possible to get underneath someone's addiction & challenge it, i accept in the end it has to be their choice but offering support not criticism goes a very long way.
I agree with posters who say either op or someone who DM respects needs to be sitting down & telling her they're worried about her dependency on drink, health etc. I appreciate that if you have a difficult relationship with your DM it might not be you who talks to her but honestly, someone does.

If she drinks that much, how can she possibly be sober enough to drive the next day?

And why can't you detach from her?