To think this was a home truth my DM NEEDED to hear?

[ManicUnicorn]

My DM drinks. She has always liked a drink and does so every single day, rarely having a day off from it. Most nights she passes out on the sofa having drunk at least a bottle of wine. On the weekends she is worse, starting at around lunchtime then passing out late afternoon, waking up and then continuing again until bedtime. Whenever she goes out she is a total and utter embarrassment, loud, lairy, rude and opinionated. She has upset and offenddd a lot of people doing this, but the next day can never remember. She has made scenes and shown herself up at weddings, christenings and yes, even funerals. She is totally incapable of moderating her drinking or doing so responsibly.

She is very defensive when her drinking is criticised or someone suggests she cuts back a little. If I want a drink, I'll have one is her favourite response, or I'll drink what I like. She shuts down any discussion, and is totally oblivious to the distress she is causing her family when she's making an exhibition of herself. She is IMO quite troubled anyway, has I think undiagnosed mental health problems and as admitted in the past she drinks to help her unwind.

So get to the point. My DF used to drink a fair bit as well, but was always much better at handling it. However last year he had a health scare, which really frightened him and he has totally cut back it. He now rarely drinks in the weeek and only has a few onw weekends. He's lost a stone in weight and looks really well. He's also noticing my DM's drinking more and is starting to comment. It's not going down well...

When drinking has becomes quite nasty to him. Snipping and trying to get an argument from him, which he's usually pretty good at ignoring. However last night he snapped and told her she was a 'a total and utter fucking pisshead'. That was it she went on ag him all night 'I'm going to get another drink because I'm a pisshead', 'would you like a drink Manic, because then we can be pissheads together', 'I'm going to bed now because I'm drunk and I'm a pisshead'. I just ignored it, but really he's right isn't he? She's just a massjve pisshead. One that I'm totally and utterly ashamed of.

She needed to hear it didn't she? And it clearly rattled her cage. I so wanted go back my DF up because he's totally right but DM and I have a difficult relationship at the best of times and it wouldn't have been worth the row that and sulk and then slagging off to the rest of the family that I'd have been subject to.

Why can she realise how much she shames us all?

She doesn't drive until around mid morning/ early afternoon, and she goes to bed early. Even before she goes to bed she's asleep on the sofa for about an hour or so.

Not much to add other than I'm in a reasonably similar situation and I am seeing a therapist who is helping me work through the issues that it's caused for me (anxiety mostly) and working out how to protect myself emotionally. Well worth it so far!

It is possible to get underneath someone's addiction & challenge it, i accept in the end it has to be their choice but offering support not criticism goes a very long way.

Chocolate I know you mean well, but that is very, very naive indeed. The only thing that will make an addict change is them being ready to do so. Until they are ready to change, no amount of support will make the slightest bit of difference. I should know - I had 6.5 years of offering support under my belt before I finally realised I was on a hiding to nowhere and had to put myself and my DCs first.

My H is now recently dead and I still stand by my decision to remove him from our lives 100%. OP has the same right to happiness and safety in her life and relationships that I and my DDs had, and she has every right to put herself first.

I am in such a similar situation. We have had to move in with MIL & BIL. We knew she drank, but is on around 2 bottles of wine a day. We can't say anything to her, she gets really upset and angry if you suggest anything. She is a danger to herself and to us (2 year old DD can't be left alone with her), doing things like falling asleep while cooking on the gas stove or trying to lift something out boiling water with her hands.
DH's other siblings just say it is her choice and to leave her alone, and refuse to help. It's so hard to see someone doing this to themselves, but until they are ready to face it, there is nothing you can do.

another one who can only deal with it by distancing herself - i do think your posts about the shame besides the point though, she's addicted, it's not a question of her setting out to shame you all. The more we bring it up, the more negative and prone to bouts of very heavy drinking my parents got. I try not to be around them in the evenings.

There is really nothing else you can do - she knows she has a problem, she knows you'd all be supportive of her cutting back - that's all you can do.

She will keep drinking until the consequences of her actions make her stop.

For some alcoholics (no question, she is a raging alcoholic), it might be getting done for drunk driving, another person might stop after losing their job or their family.
For too many, they only stop when they physically can't get their drink, e.g. after a stroke.

Alcoholism thrives on secrecy. I'd suggest you bring it out into the open. Talk about it to her and I'm front of her. (As others have said, no point in talking to her about this when she's drinking though.) Yes, she will probably lose the plot over this. It's a tactic to make you stop making her uncomfortable. In her way if thinking, if she makes you uncomfortable, you'll stop bothering her, so she will keep upping the ante.

But not addressing it with her is actually enabling her to keep drinking and creating havoc in the lives of the people close to her.

As suggested, you may find Al Anon to be of help, and if you can get your DF to go that might help change the dynamic in your dysfunctional family. You will probably find great support from others who understand what you're going through.

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs in my post, was using my phone and they disappeared!