....To wait to tell them ? Or should I tell them now?

[mumof2andsurviving]

Posting here for traffic.

My MIL has been unwell for sometime (despite maintaining a very active life style). In the last few months she became seriously ill, had life saving surgery (which was touch and go). She came through this to discover that in the course of the surgery they discovered cancer. The cancer has now spread to (amongst other places) her bones. She has lost a huge amount of weight and if this continues (which is expected) her organs will fail. The consultant has given her months to live. The whole situation is horrific.

We have 2DC. One is 5, the other 11 and about to start secondary school. How do we begin to tell them what is going on? They know she is unwell, they have seen how weak she is compared to how she was a few months ago.

AIBU to wait until the eldest DD has settled in at school ?.

She was in tears last night as my DH had to go over and wait for the emergency dr to come out (MIL had upset stomach and is severely underweight and losing weight rapidly). She is incredibly sensitive and already has huge phobias of loved ones dying. She already knows something is up, I haven't lied to her, I couldn't,
but she doesn't know the diagnosis or prognosis.

WWYD? How and when should we talk about this? Can anyone recommend any good books or information to explain this to my children?

I can't personally comment from experience but this organisation came to mind. There may be some helpful info here www.winstonswish.org/serious-illness/
Sorry for your situation

I have been through this with children of a similar age. I just gently threw in the occasional 'you know, sometimes there are illnesses that only get worse, not better' and left it open for them to take the conversation further. And my advice would be not to lie, even if you think it will save their worries. When they asked outright 'is he going to die' I told the truth but said that we didn't know when that would be and that what was important was that he knew we loved him whilst he was still here etc.

It's very difficult, but I really do feel that gently exposing them to the truth is best all round.

I found out my df's cancer was terminal by listening at doors. I had to cope with all the emotional trauma by myself. I was 11

If you don't tell her and she finds out it will be ten times worse.

Kids are far more perceptive than we give them credit for. I would tell them gently but asap, give them time to get used to the idea before she does die. It will still be awful for them, but if they are expecting her to get better and then she dies suddenly, they will be dealing with the shock as well as the grief.

We lost my MIL 16 months ago, we had an almost 2 year old (now 3) and I was 38 weeks pregnant. My heart goes out to you, it is horrid for everyone.

What does your MIL want? Would she like the grandkids to know?

If you tell your dd, would she tell your younger son?

I would talk to st Margaret’s hospice who were very good when my dad died.

She already knows something is up

No personal experience of this, but I do think this tells you all you need to know. I agree with Zippety; giving her time to come to terms with it will ease the element of shock, if not of grief. So sorry for you all.

Don't try to keep it from them, especially not from your 11 year old who seems already very aware of what's going on. Be gentle, give space for questions and quietness, but don't delay. Winston's Wish is good, as linked above.
www.goodreads.com/book/show/238136.I_Miss_You
I also recommend this book for both your children. It's a sensitive, non-religious discussion of how we feel when someone dies. It helped us a lot when my father was dying.

Your 11 year old is old enough to have worked out that her Granny is very ill. This should be talked about openly in order to allow her to start the grieving process. She will rightly get angry if you exclude her. All questions should then be answered as simply as you can. but as honestly. Without any flowering up about better places. The fact remains she will lose her grandmother. It is hard but she will learn to grief in a healthy way. The 5 year old is alittle young to understand the concept of the permanence of death but will have her own issues. After the death, I would recommend a book to read with her called Badgers Parting Gifts. Both girls do not need your own upset to be hidden. In fact, it is very confusing for children if they think the parents are ok with it all. Many of us do our children a disservice because it hurts us too much to see our children upset when we are struggling ourselves, so we hide it. Not great for the children. If you cant manage, bring in the help of other trusted relatives, eg aunts, uncle that they are close to

The consultant has given her months to live.

Those kind of estimates are (inevitably) very vague. It sounds like your MIL is very unwell indeed so bear in mind that no one can guarantee that you have time to wait until your 11 year old has settled at school.

You've said she already knows something is going on, maybe it would be best to be as honest as she can cope with now so that at least she knows you're available as a support to her and she doesn't have to work out what's going on or worry in silence.

The professional advice I’ve always been given at school-based bereavement training is to be clear and unambiguous with children. They will be often be aware of far more than you realise. Try to explain in the clearest, simplest and most age appropriate terms but try to avoid euphemisms like “gone/going to sleep” as the language can be confusing especially for little ones. As others have said there are some really good books around a to support children going through loss. Another I’ve not seen mentioned yet is Michael Rosen’s Sad Book.

Please, please tell them. I know it's a hard thing to do as you feel dreadful giving them news that upsets them and your natural maternal feeling is to protect them. But there's never going to be a good time to do it, and being open and honest about death will set them up with a much healthier attitude to it all. I've recently been through this with my 4yo DD and spoke to SANDS a lot about how to handle talking about death and going to funerals. They wouldn't be relevant for you but they recommended Child Bereavement UK who can listen to you and advise for your particular circumstances.

There's lots of advice from Macmillan too.

I think you need to tell them. The 11 year old has probably already worked it out. It will be even worse if she feels you've hidden the truth or lied to her.

I'm really sorry you are all in this situation

Yes, I would tell them.
There are organisations that help with serious illness and bereavement for children. I only know the one local to me. Have a google - ir if you post whereabouts (County) you are, someone may be able to help.
Sorry for your situation.

Sorry to hear about this, OP. I'd recommend letting the new Secondary School know as well, so they can support your DD while she settles in.

Im so sorry, what a horrendous time for you all. Death of loved ones is scary. There is absolutely no way to avoid the pain of it, unless you decide not to love anyone ever again. Pain is the price we pay for love, as the saying goes.

So this isn't a situation you can magic away for your kids. Life is sometimes terrifically hard like this and all you can do is lay out the facts and answer questions as honestly as you can. I agree have the conversations sooner than later given the prognosis.

There is power and comfort sometimes in just acknowledging others' sadnesses. "Yes it is sad. Yes it is unfair. You are very upset because you love them" - without trying to seek silver linings and platitudes.

I recommend you only answer the specific questions you are asked to allow them to process things at their own pace.

Sending love - it's awful having to tell our kids things like that.

I wrote a really long post but I couldn't across exact what I wanted to say so instead.

I'm really sorry you and your family are facing this.

You 11 year old does probably need told in an age appropriate way because it looks like she knows there is more and that is what is causing the crying etc but she's probably doesn't think she's allowed to ask so she is waiting for you to come and tell her. Only you know your child though so only you can decide.

I can say at 11 I was definitely underestimated, I knew way way more than they thought but didn't have any support with that knowledge because I couldn't tell them I knew, it was obvious they were hiding so I was many times stuck and struggling without support.

My brother died last year. 3 months after diagnosis. I talked about his illness with my 4, 8 and 10 year old, saying that whilst doctors could normally make people better, sometimes people were so poorly that their bodies stopped working and there was nothing that could help them. This was when people die and it means they aren't in pain anymore. My youngest was very interested in the facts and asked lots of questions, the older 2 and more awareness of what life without their uncle would be like.

We bought 2 recordable photo frames and put a photo of the 3 of them in one with a silly message for him and he did one for us.

We got a VTech book reader so he could read bedtime stories for them, They have a toy bear each with a message from him in.

I answered questions as they arose and we were very open and honest. My 3 all dealt with things very differently.

I got some fact books from the library which I read first - one was dreadful so that went back.

The invisible string is one that my youngest comes back to.

If there is hospice care involved they will be able to offer support.

So sorry for what you are going through.

My dd's were 9 and 12 when fil was ill with terminal cancer. He didn't want them to know that he only had months to live and I reluctantly respected his wishes.
Dd1 was oblivious to how ill he was but dd2 was very perceptive and asked questions. I answered as vaguely as I could and tried to change the subject quickly.
When he died, I had to go home and explain his death to them. They were both absolutely devastated and they were totally unprepared. I truly wish that I had gone against his wishes and had time to prepare them for his death

The consultant may have given MIL "months", but this is only a guesstimate, not a given. My mum was given 6 months and died after 4 months.

I don't think you can afford to wait until DD has settled into secondary school as your MIL sounds very ill. I would sit your 11 year old down today and explain very gently that Granny is very ill as she has cancer and take it from there.

We recently had this. We have an 8 and 6 year old. Their grandparent was ill and it took several months to diagnose but it was a very rare and aggressive form of cancer. We were told he had weeks to live. It ended up he lived about a month longer, and it took us a couple of weeks to tell them but as hard as it was, I'm glad we did as they were prepared and it wasn't a big secret. They were incredibly close to their grandparent. We told them separately (but simultaneously) in a way they would understand. So all in all he lived for about a month after we told them. And although obviously these things can't be timed, I wouldn't have wanted it hanging over them any longer than that. And we carried on pretty much as normal going over to visit during this time.

It's hard to know what to do for the best, but you know your children better than anyone. Am so sorry

You have to talk honestly to your 11 year old as obviously she knows but doesn't know at the moment, although ultimately it's up to your MIL what you can say. You should also go and see her new form tutor and let him/her know as your dd may well be upset in school, and will probably need some time off at some point. For the 5 year old, Granny's very ill and we're all feeling sad is probably sufficient.
When my Dad died dd was just 8 and for about a year we had a lot of headaches and tummyaches and not wanting to go to school, partly I think because she was grieving, but also because all of her grownups were in bits, me especially. Your dcs are lucky because however fond you are of your MIL you will be able to look after them and your DH and hold the family together, and if you have some other grownups around for them who aren't in bits so much the better.

My ds was 4 when my mil died. Although he knew she was ill, we never told him about it in detail. He dealt with her death in a very matter of fact way - younger children tend to accept these things. I would definitely prepare your 11 year old however - she probably already suspects what is going to happen so it would be best to makes sure she understands properly. Thinking of you all xx

When my XBIL passed away, I was advise by a Family Support group, to be totally honest with DC (aged 6 then). To use the word cancer, and to answer questions honestly in simple language.

A PP mentioned "The Invisible String" book. My DC were recommended this book when their father left and it is for dealing with loss and separation, I would recommend that you get it for your DC.

Sorry to hear about your MiL.
When my FIL died about 3 years ago, DD was 6, DS was a baby.
DH took the decision to tell DD what was happening, not going into lots of detail but explaining that sometime people get ill and they won’t get better and that although her grandad wasn’t going to be able to play with her any more, he still loved her.
We also explained that she was going to see some grown ups crying and that that was fine at any age.
I think it made the whole process just that bit easier to deal with.
My DD was a lot younger than yours but I think she deserves to know the truth. I understand your concerns but I don’t think it’s in her best interests to keep this from her.

My daughter was 11 when we found out that her dearly loved grandad had cancer and had only a few weeks to live. She was in the room when I had to break the news to my mum. There were lots of tears from all of us and it would have been impossible for me to hide it from her. However, she is the most pragmatic of my kids so perhaps not the best example.

My middle daughter was 13 when her favourite aunt died. She was in the house with my mum when the ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital and so was involved from the moment it was apparent that there was something seriously wrong.

Although she was heartbroken when she died (as we all were) she coped better for having been there and knowing that nothing was being hidden from her.

She is incredibly sensitive and suffers from anxiety but was able to handle her grief maturely and she says now that it was because she knew what was going on. She said it took away the fear.