Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

....To wait to tell them ? Or should I tell them now?

81 replies

mumof2andsurviving · 27/08/2018 10:38

Posting here for traffic.

My MIL has been unwell for sometime (despite maintaining a very active life style). In the last few months she became seriously ill, had life saving surgery (which was touch and go). She came through this to discover that in the course of the surgery they discovered cancer. The cancer has now spread to (amongst other places) her bones. She has lost a huge amount of weight and if this continues (which is expected) her organs will fail. The consultant has given her months to live. The whole situation is horrific.

We have 2DC. One is 5, the other 11 and about to start secondary school. How do we begin to tell them what is going on? They know she is unwell, they have seen how weak she is compared to how she was a few months ago.

AIBU to wait until the eldest DD has settled in at school ?.

She was in tears last night as my DH had to go over and wait for the emergency dr to come out (MIL had upset stomach and is severely underweight and losing weight rapidly). She is incredibly sensitive and already has huge phobias of loved ones dying. She already knows something is up, I haven't lied to her, I couldn't,
but she doesn't know the diagnosis or prognosis.

WWYD? How and when should we talk about this? Can anyone recommend any good books or information to explain this to my children?

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 27/08/2018 18:11

I just went through this with my 9 year old and my
Mom did die.

Tell them now. You don’t have to give them every gruesome detail, but give them the facts. Don’t sugar coat it. Be honest that the death is coming, but you don’t know when. Share the updates with the kids, good and bad.

It will be much easier for them to deal with if they feel like they had all the information in an age appropriate way.

mumtomaxwell · 27/08/2018 19:18

Thanks mumof2
We don’t know where FIL’s started - it is all still a shock. We thought he had arthritis - that was the original diagnosis a couple of months ago! It was a consultant last week who decided a CT scan was needed and that’s what showed up the advanced cancer, but both are secondary cancers.

Original poster

mumof2andsurviving · 27/08/2018 21:18

We have told them. It was incredibly hard. DD11 was sobbing and sobbing. DD5 didn't really get it; just as DD11 was calming down the younger one said "come on DD11, she's not going to die". This was when I had to make it clear she would die. DD5 was most worried about the toys and colouring books that are at MIL's house and said "we could always get them when she dies".

It has taken a few hours but things are calmer now. I have ordered some of the books recommended too.

I feel so much better that it is out in the open. Thank you everyone for all of your support xxx

OP posts:

bookbuddy · 27/08/2018 21:48

Well done it’s a really horrible talk to have. My youngest didn’t get it either it took 6 months for it to properly sink in then a good 3 months grieving. The grieving process for both age groups is quite different. There’s some good guides and articles on line Daisy’s dream are good too xx

OvertiredandConfused · 27/08/2018 22:02

Well done. It’s so hard supporting children through this when you and your DH are having to deal with your own feelings and support MiL. My DD was similar age when my FiL died.

Please remember to let your DD‘s new school know what is going on.

MaMaMaMySharona · 27/08/2018 22:06

My DM always tries to shelter me from things (even now I’m in my 30s) and honestly it has made me lose a lot of trust. She didn’t tell me my Grandad had died until after his funeral as it was “too traumatic” for me when I had exams at school (I was in year 7). She didn’t tell me an old school friend had died for the same reason until after her funeral. If my father had passed away on a weekday she told me she would have waited until I got home from work to let me know so as “not to disturb my day”. PLEASE. Just be honest with your daughter.

MaMaMaMySharona · 27/08/2018 22:06

I’m so sorry, I just saw your update. Well done for telling them, I know it must have been so hard for you

Atalune · 27/08/2018 22:31

You’ve done the right thing.

SassitudeandSparkle · 27/08/2018 22:37

I wish there was something I could say to make this easier for you all, but there isn't I hope she remains comfortable.

Ginkypig · 27/08/2018 22:38

I'm glad and saddened for you in equal measures mumof2

I'm glad for you that you have found a way to tell them and that after doing it the feeling you've been left with is that you feel better that it's out now but I'm very sorry that it's a conversation you had to have.

Original poster

mumof2andsurviving · 27/08/2018 22:51

I feel so relieved they know now. It's going to be hard, really hard. We are going over to my MIL tomorrow (I'm taking some food over for her) and that will be difficult for them, especially the eldest DD.

I will let her new head of year know, and the youngest's new teacher know.

OP posts:

Original poster

mumof2andsurviving · 27/08/2018 22:52

MamamamyShorona that must have been so tough on you. I'm so sorry

OP posts:

HollyWoods8224 · 27/08/2018 23:06

I think you should tell them, but being at different levels they may want different information.
Give them the opportunity to say goodbye/spend precious moments if they want to - these are things that unfortunately once missed cant be repeated. (but if forced, can't be undone)

My sister was 13 and visited our grandmother with me up until the last day (she would chose someone to hold her hand etc, never on her own), her and I would have a bit of a debrief over a hot chocolate afterwards.

I found my school priest was very helpful to talk to, he always had a great way of explaining difficult things, even the non religious kind, to children, (my grandparents were religious and he knew them very well so it made sense for us to talk to him).

Maybe their school teacher might have some advice?

HollyWoods8224 · 27/08/2018 23:12

oops, have just seen the last page - wishing your family lots of strength for the journey.

Goth237 · 28/08/2018 13:32

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I would tell MIL that the children know because they may have questions to ask her and she should be prepared for that. Especially as she's just been made fully aware of her situation, she may find the questions a bit hard to answer (more so from DD5 who won't know the best way to ask things). I hope that your MIL is as comfortable as possible. X

stressedbeyond123 · 28/08/2018 13:37

my mum has, in the last few weeks, been diagnosed with Stage 3 Lung Cancer. i have told my DD who is 7 (nearly 8), everything, within reason. She knows that nanny has lung cancer, and that the doctors are going to do their best to treat her and make her better. she'll be having surgery in a few weeks' time and we have to help her afterwards so she can get better.

We've had the odd question which i have answered as truthfully as possible (always bearing in mind being age appropriate).

personally i think with anything like this it is always best to tell the child(ren) what is happening so they can process it and deal with it. Obviously i am aware that everyone has different parenting techniques and you have to do what is best for you and your children x

tillytrotter1 · 28/08/2018 14:07

My OH was never told that his father had died very suddenly, OH was 8, he was collected from school, stayed with relatives and taken home after the funeral etc., he learned the truth by the simple fact that he wasn't there! His Mother was always odd about death, when we were married we went for a weekend visit, called first at his grandmother's house as usual to be told by a neighbour 'they're not back from her funeral yet'. Very strange attitude.

Original poster

mumof2andsurviving · 30/08/2018 00:01

I am so glad we told them. MIL rushed into hospital last night. Is deteriorating fast. She has been admitted and will go from there until hospice care. Thank you everyone for your responses and best wishes.

OP posts:

SassitudeandSparkle · 30/08/2018 00:06

So sorry to hear your update OP, I hope she is as comfortable as possible in the circumstances.

Jeippinghmip · 30/08/2018 09:16

She did sound really poorly, I am so sorry to hear your update. 💐

NataliaOsipova · 30/08/2018 09:38

So sorry to hear that. Wish you and your family all the best.

backstreetboysareback · 30/08/2018 09:57

So sorry you and your family are going through this, thinking of you all

PrivateDoor · 30/08/2018 15:16

I am so so sorry to hear this op We lost my mother in law very suddenly to a stroke, she was unconscious in hospital for a week before passing away. It wasn't appropriate to bring my children in to the hospital to see her so they never got to say goodbye which was really hard. As horrendous as your situation is, I think you need to take the 'opportunity' (not the best word, I know!) to let them say goodbye properly, even if it is just them telling her now how much she means to them.

There is no easy way of doing this I really do wish you luck

Ellie56 · 30/08/2018 22:32

So sorry to hear your update OP. But at least you know you have done the right thing by your children.

Stay strong.

ohfourfoxache · 30/08/2018 22:46

Oh shit

Thinking of you all

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.