....To wait to tell them ? Or should I tell them now?

[mumof2andsurviving]

Posting here for traffic.

My MIL has been unwell for sometime (despite maintaining a very active life style). In the last few months she became seriously ill, had life saving surgery (which was touch and go). She came through this to discover that in the course of the surgery they discovered cancer. The cancer has now spread to (amongst other places) her bones. She has lost a huge amount of weight and if this continues (which is expected) her organs will fail. The consultant has given her months to live. The whole situation is horrific.

We have 2DC. One is 5, the other 11 and about to start secondary school. How do we begin to tell them what is going on? They know she is unwell, they have seen how weak she is compared to how she was a few months ago.

AIBU to wait until the eldest DD has settled in at school ?.

She was in tears last night as my DH had to go over and wait for the emergency dr to come out (MIL had upset stomach and is severely underweight and losing weight rapidly). She is incredibly sensitive and already has huge phobias of loved ones dying. She already knows something is up, I haven't lied to her, I couldn't,
but she doesn't know the diagnosis or prognosis.

WWYD? How and when should we talk about this? Can anyone recommend any good books or information to explain this to my children?

I do sadly have personal experience of this, three times over in our case, and indeed as a child myself.

Take your dd out for a walk (somewhere quiet and peaceful) and just casually chat to her as you would on any walk. Come around gently to your MIL and with no emotion (and I would really make sure you were feeling strong when you say this) tell her that she is not well and is unlikely to get better. Reassure her that granny is comfortable and looked after. I find the walking creates a relaxed and less intense environment and she will not fear the worst (unlike the sitting down we have to talk to you about something - which always strikes a tone of fear)

You need to be so strong and reassure her that things will carry on as normal and she need not worry everything is being taken care of. I would protect them from theparents in bits etc this could be potentially very damaging to her, and I would letting her see any adult out of control emotionally.

You are teaching your child resilience and the natural order of life, how she deals with it will depend very much on how she sees you dealing with it. Yes it will be difficult, but try make it into an opportunity to DO something. Why not suggest you both make something for Granny, a blanket or socks or something comforting. Make cards, and when she is ready to visit make it all as positive as possible, so she sees that you can make those last few months very memorable and cherished.

Anyone that can't hold themselves together during this period needs to be away from the children.

Making things for granny, creating happy/memorable pockets of time with her, allowing her to talk to you openly about her feelings. Informing the school of what is happening, as well as your keeping to your old routines as much as possible all will help her come to terms, and yes I would do so before school as time line can change and it will be best if she/they were prepared.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I imagine your eldest knows exactly what is going on but, unless you explain in kind detail, some of it will be from what school friends have experienced and know of, which might be a far worse and frightening experience.

Child Bereavement UK is a great charity that can help.

My Dad had cancer and died 3 weeks before Ds started secondary school. Ds always knew that his 'best friend' was going to die. My Dd was only 2 so, it wasn't the same for her. Ds is also very sensitive and went to his first day of secondary school on the day of his Grandad's funeral - which he did attend as I collected him after a couple of hours. I wouldn't do anything different. I've always been completely upfront and honest with my kids. But only you know what's best for your children OP but, I'd talk to your children and answer their questions as honestly as you feel is appropriate for them. I hope everything goes as well as it can IYSWIM.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I too have personal experience, mine were 5, 8 and 10. I agree with everyone saying tell them as appropriately as you can.

My older two have thanked me since then for telling me the truth and saying they felt they could trust me.

If you wait too long you may find you have to tell them she has died rather than that she is ill. How you handle this may have a big impact on how they deal with their grief - is it a secret? Something they can't express their feelings about? That is a risk of not talking to them now.
I have been through this with the same age children. Younger one didn't get upset much but has asked a lot of questions about death. Older one more sad but then had a longer relationship with my mum. Both came to the funeral too, and I make sure we still talk about her often but I do hide the worst of my grief from them, though they know I am sad.

telling them later it will be grief from shock and known words not said.told now as she already also seems to know something is up means the proper way of grieving can begin.often with cancer the end digonosis and grief of letting go needs to start lots sooner so you can gradually go alongside them as they go.otherwise you have to process both the illness then the loss at the same time.where as telling now you get to space that out with support and love and alongsdide people who love you.
eplxain to them (im sure your 11 knows much more of cancer than you think) about illness's that you don't get better from.and that it means at some point gran will not come back from hospital.but that she is with them always.her love and all the times they've had wrap around them still and will live on with them. that there might be lots more adults getting upset and crying but this is ok.and its ok for them to feel confused and upset too.and not needing to explain why and that they can cuddle anytime.
to ask any questions they like from you.

Thank you everyone. Both children understand death. My dad died before they were born and they both have grieved that they didn't get to meet him. Youngest DD understands the permanence of it all, and a close cousin died when oldest DD was around 4. I have always said that their bodies stopped working and couldn't be fixed.

I will look at the links/book recommendations and talk to my husband later about telling them sooner rather than later.

How terrible for you, sending you all my sympathy, OP.

Just a quick bit of advice, from the perspective of a secondary school teacher and form tutor who has helped children of a similar age through family bereavements, please do inform your daughter's new head of year and form tutor about the situation, even if you choose to delay telling your daughter. The school should have a pastoral service and approachable members of staff ready for any support she needs, along with links to bereavement and counselling services if your daughter needs this.

My DM has terminal cancer. I didn't want to tell my DD but people would ask me "How's your mum?" In earshot of DD (You can't tell everyone not to mention it in front of her!)
So I had to answer them. And of course afterwards DD would say "what were you saying about Grandma?" So I ended telling her gently. And she seems fine with it.

Older DD already suffers from anxiety and has been on the waiting list for CAMHS for more than a year already. We have already had a lot to deal with as a family. Two sudden deaths (my dad before they were born, their cousin when Oldest DD was 4). My mum has had breast cancer twice (but is still going strong). My fear is this will tip her over the edge. It's already an anxious time with a new secondary school.

But I think delaying it might not be a good idea. Husband agrees, but have to wait until MIL sees the nurse from the hospice. BACKGROUND: she didn't take in the situation at all at her last appointment; thought no treatment = it wasn't as bad as they thought. BIL took the consultant to one side and it is from him we got the accurate info. To top it off, a nurse from the palliative team came to see her (we were on holiday and so couldn't be there for either appointment). The nurse (wrongly) told her she wouldn't die from this (they didn't have the notes from the most recent appointment ). She has always said she would want to know and wouldn't want it kept from her. So my husband is going to call the nurse tomorrow and ask her to come back. He feels that my MIL needs to know before we tell the children.

It's all such a horrible mess.

Could you call CAMHS and get some advice on how to handle it? I don't know if they're all similar, but someone else I know is on the waiting list and they've been able to get some advice via telephone in the meantime. Also if MIL is referred to a hospice, even if not as an inpatient, they sometimes have family counselling available.

Of course you want to protect her, and I don't mean this bluntly, but MIL is going to die whether you've told her or not. But at least if you've told her in advance she will be better prepared and it will not be a nasty shock as well as the grief of losing her grandmother.

I was in a vaguely similar situation when I was a bit older than your daughter, and the worst bit was feeling that I hadn't been told all the facts, which then made me wonder if I could trust what people were saying or whether they were still hiding something. I don't know, but I imagine that would be worse for her anxiety than you being honest even though it will be very upsetting.

I'm so sorry for you all.

Having worked in that field my advice would be to be open and age appropriate from the earliest possible point. There will be info how to talk to kids on line - try the big cancer charity websites, they may help.

Don't wait for a magic moment, year 7 may be fine, your dc may take ages to settle. There is never a good time to break this news. Obviously you don't tell someone on their wedding day or night before a big exam though! However the very nature of the disease and the fact she is frail means time scales are an uncertainty. Kids cope if they have the tools and the facts. Not talking and hiding your feelings or telling them to hide theirs is what does the damage long term. They will be upset and you will all find it difficult. But to be open and be sad (even before she has passed) will help them process their worries and also make them more resilient emotionally.

An aunt of mine died of breast cancer. I was 6 or 7. I had heard she was ill. Then I overheard she had died. I asked why and my dad got angry and shut me down and said it was a disease only old people died from and to stop talking about it. I was told my dad was just upset and to change the subject. Now, I was an anxious child but this then set up a phobia of cancer which lasted years. Indeed until I could talk about it as an older teen to my godmother. I'm not saying you will manage it like this by the way! Just trying to show how not talking may damage. And also I think the anxiety was already in my head if you see what I mean! But it is really important to be open and appropriate and try to show them your feelings in an approachable way too.

Good luck. It will be hard and sad for you all. But you sound like a lovely considerate mum. You'll all get through this ok. Just keep talking. Be open. Use accessible language. Do you have any religious beliefs? We don’t so I have always said I don’t know what happens but xxxx, xxxx and xxxx are what some people believe and I’d like to think that xxx happens.

Also perhaps go onto the SN boards are ask there. Anxiety is something that is commonly seen in SN and they are incredibly informative and helpful.

Macmillan have info for children and go to a Maggie’s centre if you have one near you. They have a website too.

My FIL was diagnosed with bone and liver cancer last week. Our DCs are 10 & 5 and we have told them “grandad is very poorly with cancer”. We haven’t shared the prognosis with them yet (it is short) because we are not sure what’s happening in terms of palliative care. We have said they can ask us questions anytime and we will answer as best we can. They want to visit him and he is keen to see them so we’ll go later in the week.

Right at the beginning my DH said “what will we say to the children” and I was adamant that we would tell them the truth. I think it’s important to be open about this kind of thing.

for you all. It’s a terribly sad time.

Having been through similar with similar aged children I think it’s best to tell them. Our relative was diagnosed very suddenly during a routine examination and also died very suddenly. Children need to hear the truth from their parents. It will be much worse if you don’t tell them and could have more of an impact with regards to the phobia. It’s very difficult and I’m sorry that your facing this. We are still having the aftershocks I expect that this will be our life for some time yet.

Mumtomaxwell I'm so sorry you are all going through this too, my MIL's started in her stomach, it's now spread to liver, lymph nodes and spine. It really is f**cking awful

Tell them the truth now. It sounds like she could die very soon.

It's only a week until term starts.

No, of course this cannot wait for long, but you need to weigh up if it can wait a couple of weeks, so that at least her first week of finding her way round the new place and routines can be done without the additional burden. You could use the time to talk to hospice staff, or find a specialist counsellor to talk through your possible approaches, plus get in any useful books etc.

I had breast cancer a few years ago. We were advised to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way.

Are they aware she has cancer? They are probably aware of the surgery, doctors appointments, and that something is not right with their gran.

If they see you upset, explain gran isn’t well and it’s upsetting. . It’s better not to hide the truth in the long run.

Agree with pp tell them as soon as, use very clear and unambiguous words.
My lo were 12y, 8yr & 4yr when their dgf died we had 6mo from diagnosis to dying so not long at all really.
The 12 yo made his own decisions about what he wanted to know/be involved in, he asked to see his dgf the night he died (DS had some stuff he wanted to say) I took him to see him I don't regret for a single minute doing so, I know my DS saw a horrendous sight but he got to have his last conversation with a very dearly beloved grandad.
The 8 yo asked what he wanted to know and that was that, the 4yo still asks questions today though he remembers very little . Being honest allows them the opportunity to deal with their thoughts and emotions.

I work in a gp surgery for context
If it were my children I would very gently tell them today so that they have time to adjust to this.
We have patients in these situations who have some time, however we have just as many that are gone within days.
I think it would be more difficult for your children to deal with a death that was unexpected. Let them make peace with it now

I lost my father at 12 years old to cancer. Nobody explained anything to me, I was left to guess what would happen. Nobody talked to me about it.

I have recently lost my mother and brother in law to cancer. I was honest and open about it to my children from the start, they are 6 and 10.

I have struggled with bereavements but I do think how the adults handle it sets the tone. This is really sad but you need to show them that, awful as it is, you will come through this (as you had to with your own df).

I really don’t think missing the chance to have known a grandparent in any way compares to losing a living one.