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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you should be with someone longer than 3 weeks before introducing kids?!

59 replies

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 00:19

I will try and keep this as short as possible though I'm absolutely fuming! So me and my son's dad split up in March and he's finally moved on which I found out tonight and is fine I genuinely hope he's happy however I've found out from other people messaging me as he didn't have the balls to tell me himself! My son and hers have had playdates and she's put pictures on Facebook! I've asked him to tell her to remove them and to not put any more but am yet to receive a reply, he's also been buying her children clothes and things when I provide everything for our son even when he's at his though he does pay me some maintenance! When he dropped him back the other day my mom asked what they'd done and he said just chilled at home which is an obvious lie and something he does a lot! So aibu for thinking he should have waited longer to introduce our son? I'm really worried it will confuse him as he's only a baby

OP posts:
Dieu · 27/08/2018 00:21

YADNBU.
Unintelligent and tacky behaviour.

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 00:23

Thanks I'm nearly in tears as I really don't want it to turn into a massive fallout and it could have been handled so much better!

OP posts:
Creeper8 · 27/08/2018 00:57

Not something I would do but unfortunately its not something you can dictate either.

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 00:59

@creeper8 that's what I'm thinking, it's just frustrating I guess! I know he would go absolutely mental if it was the other way round

OP posts:
Tomatoesrock · 27/08/2018 01:13

YANBU. I would be raging too. He has no idea how long it will last. How old is your DS if he gets close to the other child. I know you can't dictate though I would tell him he is being a dick if I had the right or not.

Tomatoesrock · 27/08/2018 01:14

Sorry I see he is only a baby. The FB pics would enrage me.

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 01:19

@tomatoesrock I think me and he will be having a chat tomorrow and I know he will think it's because I don't want him moving on which really isn't the case as it was me that ended it but I'm just trying to prepare for that possibly being thrown at me! I want my baby to know I'm his mom and I know that's ridiculous as he does know but I don't want him calling her it and she has no right to put pics on fb when he would be absolutely fuming if it was the other way round!

OP posts:
seagulldown · 27/08/2018 01:19

I would also be very upset at this. YANBU. I suppose officially you can’t dictate what he does on his time but agree it’s much too early to introduce anyone. Thankfully my ex waited about a year before introducing his girlfriend and had the respect to tell me when he was doing this. Appreciate this is right on the other end of the scale but surely some common sense would tell them that a relationship of a few weeks is not something you’d want your kids to be involved in

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 01:24

@seagulldown this is exactly what I would do should I ever get into another relationship! What's the point of rushing it then if it doesn't work you've got upset kids! I imagine he's pretty much moved in with her from what I can see and only goes to his house when I take our child over!

OP posts:
seagulldown · 27/08/2018 01:35

How old is your son? I know it’s hard but you will be is one and only mum. I hear many tale about how great their Dads partner (and I hate it) but I always remain positive. But they only have one mum and that’s what you’ll always be. You’ll always be there for him even if the dad doesn’t make good choices.

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 01:38

@seagulldown he's only 10 months, I just hate the thought of him coming home when he can actually speak and bigging them up when it will be me who does all the hard work as his dad sees him once or twice a week so they have all the fun stuff

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seagulldown · 27/08/2018 01:52

Oh that’s so young isn’t it. And so hard for you. I don’t really have any advice, but just want you to know you’re not the only one who thinks it’s rubbish of the dad to do this. Like I said before, you are the only mum and always will be and your son will always know that

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 01:56

@seagulldown I think that's why it bothers me so much is because he's so young, and thank you I'm just getting extremely emotional wishing the situation was better for my son's sake but his dad is that selfish he doesn't think about how it could effect him!

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seagulldown · 27/08/2018 02:03

I just don’t think that some men can appreciate how disruptive this can be. Especially if it doesn’t last. All you can do though is be the rock and stable for your son. You can of course say something to him but by seeing his actions so far he doesn’t sound like someone to take it on board

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 02:07

@seagulldown it would genuinely fall on deaf ears! Once I said can you try and make sure he has a stable routine at yours like he has at mine as the following day after being at his dad's he's always really tired and grumpy and his reply was oh well he's not with me then it's you who has to deal with it! I've supplied a travel cot as he used to leave him sleeping on the sofa, a pushchair and toys aswell as the supplies he needs throughout the day when he's there! I've tried to make everything as easy as I can and now I just wonder why I bother but unlike him I do things for the baby's benefit xx

OP posts:
seagulldown · 27/08/2018 02:13

Oh gosh. Sounds like there are many issues there and the introducing the new girlfriend is just the tip of the iceberg. You are def the better person to offer all the things you have to make your baby have a safe and happy time at his dads. Although it is super shit when you have to deal with the fallout of the lack of routine. My ex has been good at continuing routine so I’m lucky in that sense but they still come home rather hyper and need some calming down before they get back to normal again

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 02:15

@seagulldown yep there are far too many issues to mention and thanks I try my best! And your lucky, I genuinely dread the day after he comes home as I know how grumpy he will be

OP posts:
agnurse · 27/08/2018 03:30
  1. Your DS isn't old enough to understand what's happening anyway.
  1. It's NONE of your business who your ex spends his time with or how he spends his money.
kaytee87 · 27/08/2018 03:43

At 10 months your son won't be confused about anything.

What is your objection to photographs on Facebook? Do you and your ex have an agreement to not have any on of your son?

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 04:10

@agnurse I really don't care who he spends his time with just don't see the need for them to be playing happy families with my kid and for him to lie about it! And he can spend his money how he wishes but if I'm supplying all the stuff for when the baby is at his while he's spending his money on kids who he's known a couple of weeks then I think I'm within my rights to be a bit pissed off!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 04:12

@kaytee87 and I'm just not happy with the fact anybody can see pics of my son, my fb account is strictly private so nobody can see other than my friends and I guess I wouldn't do that if it was the other way round

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 27/08/2018 04:12

Yanbu. I split with exh last year
He met someone this May. He introduced her to the kids within 2 weeks and moved in with her and her kids 2 weeks ago.

Non of which he told me about. I found out he was moving in with her from my parents, who found out from my youngest.

I can't dictate it. But I did confront him. I told him that he should have told me himself and he needed to be an adult. He actually agreed and apologised. He must be lying to the new girlfriend. Why would she be ok with him not telling his ex and mother of his kids?

I have been seeing someone since early this year. The kids have met him, but had met him before we got together. He is my best friends relative and they met him at a party at my friends house. But they have no idea I am with someone. There's just no need right now.

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 04:15

@thatsfuckingshit that's the thing I probably wouldn't have as much of an issue as I'm having if he would have just told me or discussed it instead of being sneaky and lying! I know exactly the type of person he is and he will be moving in very soon if not already as he tried it with me!

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FlyingMonkeys · 27/08/2018 04:24

But to be fair you spilt up with him and it's nothing to do with you who he's now with. Yes you have a 10mth old child but do you really expect him to not spend any time with anyone else until your child can understand the concept? At 10mth old they frankly won't have a clue and unless they're drilled that 'this is other mummy' ( highly unlikely). They won't know that person from Adam... it sound more like you're fucked off that you fucked then off and don't appreciate they said well ok and moved on.

Original poster
user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 04:28

@flyingmonkeys he would still have plenty of time to see her without having our baby involved and that's genuinely not the case at all, I always said when we split up that I wanted him to find someone and be happy which I'm pleased he's doing but I just don't think introducing kids after a matter of weeks is ok

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