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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you should be with someone longer than 3 weeks before introducing kids?!

59 replies

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 00:19

I will try and keep this as short as possible though I'm absolutely fuming! So me and my son's dad split up in March and he's finally moved on which I found out tonight and is fine I genuinely hope he's happy however I've found out from other people messaging me as he didn't have the balls to tell me himself! My son and hers have had playdates and she's put pictures on Facebook! I've asked him to tell her to remove them and to not put any more but am yet to receive a reply, he's also been buying her children clothes and things when I provide everything for our son even when he's at his though he does pay me some maintenance! When he dropped him back the other day my mom asked what they'd done and he said just chilled at home which is an obvious lie and something he does a lot! So aibu for thinking he should have waited longer to introduce our son? I'm really worried it will confuse him as he's only a baby

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FlyingMonkeys · 27/08/2018 04:37

I get your heartache and I'm not trying to sound flippant. My ex of 3yrs split with me whilst I was 6mth pregnant to be with someone else who was around from the start of Dd's life (not on the scene now). However 16yrs on Dd doesn't even recall her and it didn't turn out to be the shitfest I'd invsigned at the time. Just live your life to the best you can and if the ex brings many folk to the party (especially whilst very young). Then just shrug it off with them as family friends.. It's highly doubtful they'll ever be called 'mum'... ever 😯

RainySeptember · 27/08/2018 04:42

If you are the one who ended it, could there be an element of him trying to annoy you, or show you that he's coming out of the break up 'better'?

If so I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

It's awful, thoughtless behaviour but unfortunately he can see who he likes on his days with your dc, put what he likes on social media and spend money on anything he wants as long as he's paying you CM.

If you think he'll comply with all of your requests by all means bring it up with him. If you think he'll ignore you, you're wasting your time and showing him how bothered you are.

If you bring it up I'd pick your battles, the thing that most bothers you. It's too late to complain about your child meeting her now because that's already happened. Perhaps a word about their social media settings?

FlyingMonkeys · 27/08/2018 04:43

And let's be fair here... You might know they're a new partner but the 10mth old doesn't have a clue. So this is more all about you than your child really.

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 04:43

@flyingmonkeys I think I'm just imagining the worst as I've never been in this situation before and am fiercely protective of both of my kids and I'll be honest I'm terrified he will call her mom and I know it's ridiculous but can't shake it from my head xx

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RainySeptember · 27/08/2018 04:45

She's a new gf and, even if it lasts, your children will only ever have one 'mum' ; she'll be called by her name.

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 04:46

@rainyseptember I was just lying here thinking the same thing that I can't change that he's met her so there's no point getting worked up about it! And I've picked my battles so far and there's been a lot but I think this just pushed me over the edge a bit! I guess I just feel if it were me I wouldn't have introduced so soon but obviously everybody is different

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Thatsfuckingshit · 27/08/2018 04:55

Personally, as the child is so young this may save you some problems in the future.

They may be together forever, in which case your son won't know any different. Or it may not work our. At which point you can speak to him and try and convince him to wait next time. Not saying he will listen.

My kids are older and aware of what's going on and my youngest isn't taking it well. It is having a negative impact on my child.

I am just trying to look at positives for you. But, like you, I wish my ex respected me as a parent enough to just bloody talk to me. When I got with Dp I told him I had met someone, that the kids had previously met him, before we were a couple and that I was cutting contact down between him and the kids until we knew if it was long term or not. It was a hard conversation to have had. But I thought we were adults.

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 04:58

@thatsfuckingshit that's very true at least with him being so young he won't know any different, but ye if he just communicated it would never have been a problem!

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FlyingMonkeys · 27/08/2018 05:06

So why do you feel it's only been 3wks when you've been separated 5mth? Maybe they've been together 3mth but keeping it low key?

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 05:10

@flyingmonkeys it's what I've been told so I guess I'm just going off that plus he's definitely changed the past few weeks so it all seems to go together

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RainySeptember · 27/08/2018 08:40

I think it's perfectly normal to feel how you feel op. You are imagining them doing fun things as a 'family unit' and your dc liking her and enjoying playing with her dc. It really hurts, I know, but there really isn't anything you can do except act unconcerned and continue building a lovely new life.

The chances are that it won't last and you can have that conversation about unwise early introductions.

And if it does last, your dc will not remember a time when she wasn't around.

I think you can ask that any photos on social media are visible to friends only, rather than public, but unfortunately that does mean his friends and hers too.

I feel for you. Don't let it push you towards a relationship of your own that you're not ready for. I've seen so many friends do that, competing with each other really. Usually the person who sits back, waits, gets themselves sorted is the one who ends up happiest and having the last laugh.

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 09:00

@rainyseptember thank you so much, thats exactly how im feeling, ive had a pretty terrible few months but i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and put my big girl pants on and make an amazing life for me and my boys! I'm determined not to get in any relationship yet as I'm really not ready, and I messaged him last night asking for her to not put pictures on and he's read it yet didn't reply but they've since been deleted! Thank you so much for being supportive, it's my 1st post and genuinely thought I'd get flamed that I really wasn't in the mood for xx

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RainySeptember · 27/08/2018 11:17

Oh op I really feel for you. You'll always get lots of support here. If the photos have gone, he's listening to you even if he hasn't replied. That's a good start. I always think a measured response and choosing your battles is better than going in all guns blazing. Hopefully this woman is just excited to be in a new relationship and will be a good influence on your ex and a positive presence in your dc's lives x

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 11:35

@rainyseptember we've spoken a small amount this morning or should I say I've sent essays and he's sent back few word answers but I've remained calm and just explained I'm just disappointed I didn't hear things from him directly and it was other people messaging me last night! He's said the baby will always come 1st which is a given! Feeling a lot better now, thank you again xx

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garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/08/2018 11:52

He sounds like an idiot if he hasn't provided basic necessities like clothes and a cot and pram for his own child so I am not surprised he doesn't realise that 3 weeks is too soon for this. He clearly doesn't have a clue what he is doing.

You need to be firm with him. You shouldn't be providing things for his house and he should be sticking to basic routines. Have you thought about mediation? You at he is paying some maintenance but I hope he is paying the full amount he should be. Don't let him get away with things now becuse you have 17 more years of this and if you let him walk all over you he will.

Don't worry about him getting confused. He knows who mummy is and he won't ever see his few gfriend as mummy. Plenty of children have these situations with potential step parents and they never replace real parents.

Randomusername01 · 27/08/2018 12:00

YANBU about the three weeks bit but Id say sending essays to him makes you sound a bit controlling. With the greatest respect, when he has his child, unless you think your child is in mortal danger, then its fuck all to do with you who he is seeing or what he is doing. My ex used to send me big long rants about who I was seeing, putting fb pics of the kids up, who I was leaving my chilren with when they were in my care etc etc. At first I used to try and pacify him with short replies, or take down the pictures to avoid arguments, and try and live my life as lowkey and privately as possibly so as to avoid him sending me, as you put it, essays. It took a long time and a lot of support to realise when I had my children in my care, it was fuck all to do with him and if i wanted to put fb pics up, or indeed any of my friends then I bloody well could, that after 6 months of a secret relationship I didnt owe him an explanation of who my new partner was to the nth degree. It was nothing to do with him. You need to step back and live your life with your children when you have them, and let your exdp do the same without interfering.

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 12:05

He's actually paying more than what he should which is why i haven't really made much of a fuss but that's due to him not wanting to go through the csa as I've found out he has other kids he doesn't pay for! He's an absolute delight! The essays were more along the lines of that I won't be supplying stuff for at his anymore and he needs to get stuff before he has him tomorrow and that I don't appreciate that he lied to me the other day when this mess could have been cleared up then, he can take our boy wherever he likes as it's his time with him but it's the fact he lied about it and didn't have the decency to just tell me what was going on

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Randomusername01 · 27/08/2018 12:17

The lying is not good, but if he thought telling the truth was gonna end in an argument then it is understandable. I can honestly say I used to lie to exdh when he would question my whereabouts because I knew he didnt like where I was going/doing/seeing (nothing bad but he just was a knob) before I learnt to tell him it was none of his business before going nc altogether.

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 12:25

@randomusername01 it's caused more of an issue now he's lied, I'm trying to stay as amicable as possible for my son's sake

OP posts:

Ava1988 · 27/08/2018 12:30

Sorry you are in a tough situation. It can't be easy! Do you think this relationship will be a long term thing or is your concern that ex will introduce your ds quickly to anyone he meets?

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 12:39

@ava1988 yes I think so, our relationship went really quickly and also ended really quickly so I don't want my son meeting loads of different women

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Randomusername01 · 27/08/2018 12:41

If its causing issues and you dont want to be lied to, just maybe dont ask what your ex has been doing, unless for things like when was ds last fed etc. Its hard to accept but your ex doesnt need to explain himself to you anymore. I agree that he should be buying stuff for ds when he has him though.

enoughisenough2 · 27/08/2018 12:46

I’d say 3-6 months

Ava1988 · 27/08/2018 12:47

I think you have a right to feel that way definitely. Especially if you know he's going to act like that. It actually makes me sorry for the new lady he is with because she may have no idea what he's like and believe meeting his son means a long term commitment. What a brain ache! Well done for wanting to stay amicable though. I have 2 dsc and their mum loathes my dp and me (which is really hard because I met dp a long time after their split) and it makes it hard when there is ill feeling. Ironically dps ex is like your ex partner and has been engaged 3 times in 2 years. I know it sounds horrible but you kind of learn to expect it and automatically go into defense mode for dc to think....right how are we going to cushion it this time. We are lucky in the sense our 2 seem to be quite resilient at the moment. Keep doing what you're doing it sounds like the right thing :) it will get better I promise

Original poster

user1487254694 · 27/08/2018 12:48

Surprisingly it was the only time I'd asked well it was actually my mom who asked just making conversation as he always comes in for a coffee when he drops him back but from now on it will be like a business transaction! I've already pre warned him that he needs to supply his stuff tomorrow as I won't be bringing anything

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