Aibu to go NC with friend over cheating ??

[cherry2727]

Ok Mumsnetters - I need some perspective on this issue which has been bugging me for a while. I've read quite a number of posts here within the last few months by women who have been cheated on by their partners. As a married woman it breaks my heart to read about the pain that these women are going through. I feel a sense of empathy as a married woman and a woman with strong values against cheating.

A bit of background- I've been friends with my friend for a very long time and we have had a very lovely relationship. She has supported me through some quite challenging periods and vise versa. She met a guy whom she dated for about two years on and off. After two years of dating she found out that he recently got married .
She was heart broken as she was pregnant with his baby. He gave it the all" I don't love her and was forced into it!" Excuse. She decided to stick with him and make something out of their relationship as she loves him.

My dilemma is this - as a married woman I am strongly against her behaviour! I think it's appalling and reading some of the posts about Married women being cheated on has left me feeling sick about the situation. Also , my values do not permit me to agree with the decision that she has taken .

Whilst I am morally against her attitude/decision , I too want to be a good friend . I want to support her as a friend and don't want to come across as a sanctimonious, righteous cow ! I am not perfect myself however I do have values which differ from hers. She seem to think that she can live a normal happy life with this man who's married to another woman .

Please help me decide on how to deal with this situation. Do I tell her how I feel and is there a nice way of doing so or do I just carry on supporting her and not say much. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place . I feel disgusted by her as I've always considered her a lovely person with similar values of mine but I feel self righteous for judging. I don't know what to do or say really ..... I find myself being bitter towards her more and more but it's none of my business really - help me

So she dated a guy for 2 years who she's now found out was cheating on her the whole time and she's pregnant by him, is heartbroken, and you want to call her out on Her disgusting behaviour?

What about his disgusting behaviour??? Or do you reserve your judgment only for the woman involved?

How pregnant is she now?

You’re not being a good friend if you feel disgusted by her and I’m afraid you do sound quite sanctimonious. She’s behaving very badly but you’re not judge and jury and you’re welcome to end your friendship but you won’t gain anything by lecturing her. She already knows she’s being a dick but for her own reasons she’s going to keep doing it.

You keep mention being married. Being cheated on is quite painful when you’re not married to the person who’s betrayed you, it’s not the preserve of the married.

I’m married but my values aren’t different to when I wasn’t.

That's interesting selective reading LeighaJ

Up to the point she found out he was married she did nothing wrong, at that point she should've ended it for her own sake as much as anything else, but I'm guessing the pregnancy made this harder. I think the approach to take is one regarding her welfare, and that she deserves more than a man who's lied to get for two years and it's still with his wife, regardless of what he says to get and regardless of the fact she has a baby on the way. She must feel lost and devastated and is clinging to any shred of hope that it'll all work out. Ask you can do is support her to make the right choices, but that's not going to be ready for her.

I totally understand your position of being 100% against cheating as i am too, but every situation is different, and she does deserve some leeway here.
Your friend has been in love with this man for 2 years, probably pictured her future with him, and is expecting his baby. It will have been an almighty shock for her to find out the happy family life she pictured with him isn't going to be a reality, she's hormonal and clutching to what she can as nobody actively plans to be a single parent.
She isn't the one who lied to, cheated on and treated his wife badly, HE is, she was oblivious and is now in a really hard situation herself. Now is not the time to judge her, she needs support, especially as this is all very likely to go tits up and she'll be left alone holding the baby. She didn't ask to be in this situation, and is just trying to look out for herself and her baby. In time, she will no doubt have to face facts that he's married, and has no intention of leaving his wife for her and the baby, who she'll have to likely fight constantly to get support for from him.

So many typos, hopefully you get the gist

I wouldn't judge her for having a relationship with a married man. But I would be honest with her in telling her it's unlikely to end well.

Having had a friend who seemed to enjoy the constant drama of constant turbulent relationships, I eventually got to the point where I grew tired of constantly telling her the same things over and over again when she asked for advice. Eventually I stopped talking with her about her relationships and our friendship fizzled out because of it.

What’s she’s doing isn’t right but if she was my friend, I’d stick by her.

She’s pregnant, vulnerable and being used and manipulated by this fuckwit guy. I’d support her as much as I could. But I’d make it clear I didn’t agree with the situation and she could do so much better.

I hate cheating but this poor woman didn't start an affair with someone. She found out that her partner and father of her child was a cheat and a liar. She is probably feeling extremely vulnerable being pregnant, and no doubt heartbroken. Your attitude is really strange for a supposed friend. How about supporting her, bolstering her self esteem and helping her see that she deserves better, instead of judging her so harshly.

And btw, those heartbroken cheated on women that you read about on MN that is driving your anger- your friend is one of them.

What about his disgusting behaviour??? Or do you reserve your judgment only for the woman involved?

I am too disgusted by his behaviour but as he isn't my friend, it's quite difficult for me
To say anything to him.

Regardless of your feelings about infidelity, it sounds like she needs a friend right now, not someone to berate her from a more comfortable position. Sometimes decent people make poor decisions

For what it's worth, even if she hadn't only just found out about his wife, I still think that it's possible to be friends with someone whilst disagreeing with their choices.
I'd have trouble remaining friends with someone who repeatedly hooked up with married men (values thing as a person, repeating the same behaviour etc), but would maintain a friendship with a friend who was having an affair whilst making my feelings known (awful decision but sometimes people do stupid and selfish things). At some point the shit will hit the fan and they'll need a friend, but I wouldn't be a cover, I wouldn't spend hours listening to 'the poor me I miss my affair partner' routine. Maybe it's me but I think people can be quick to say 'but I would never do X... I would never be so stupid...' on a range of topics, but there's every chance the friend in a crappy situation or being stupid probably thought the same at one point.

You’ve got a strange preoccupation with how you feel ‘as a married women’.

Morals are not the preserve of the married.

Sounds like she is pregnant and terrified to me.

I would judge his behaviour far more harshly. He has strung two women along for minimum 2 years. Married one and impregnated the other.

Yeh it’s really not her I’m judging in this situtuation...

I am too disgusted by his behaviour but as he isn't my friend, it's quite difficult for me
To say anything to him.

This statement is odd too. It is not your place to police your friends behaviour either. She isn’t answerable to you! Your role in all this is to be a good friend. Not a judgey twat.

And 'as a married woman' three times? Really? We get it, you snagged a husband, well done you.

Your role in all this is to be a good friend.
Not a judgey twat.
Put more bluntly than me but very true.

I'd like to think if I ever monumentally screwed up or ended up in a horrendous situation (even if it was my own doing) that my friends would be able to support me because I'm their friend rather than turnjng my situation into their own personal thought experiment about their morality and brilliance.

I think it's easy for someone that's not in her shoes to judge her and say she should have instantly ended things the moment she found out.

Although she probably should have told his wife he's a lying, cheating, scumbag.

Maybe you could drop her a line OP.

Thanks for the replies all. It's quite nice to have a different opinion other than mine on the issue. I have always supported her and will continue to. I have been battling with this issue hence why I seek some wise words on here prior to making a fool of myself .

For the record , she's had the baby and planing to move in with him. He's still married but states that he can't leave his wife. Not sure that changes anything tbh

Also I am very disgusted by his behaviour. I never mentioned my disgust towards him as my issue isn't really with him as he isn't my friend.

Just go clarify, I said married women in my post due to the fact that it was a general conscientious on here not that I'm saying the pain of cheating is only subjected to married women .

Hang on a minute, how can she move in with him if he won’t leave his wife?

I am in no way glorifying the fact that I am married !! Marriage isn't all roses and fun and I too know that ! I've been through some really challenging times with my dh! This post wasn't to do with me highlighting the fact that I am married at all! I think I just repeated stuff in my post that I probably shouldn't have had .

He doesn't live with his wife. She still lives at home as he told her that he is going to buy them a family home but then decides to move in with my friend instead.

I can't stand people who cheat in relationships, my friend was cheated on by her Fiancé over a year ago, she stayed with him for the sake of their Child and for financial reasons (he's the main earner) I wondered for months why she didn't just leave him (surely after that you could never trust them again) but I wasn't the one in the situation. As much as you disagree with your friends actions OP, you can't force her to LTB if she doesn't want to, she is obviously very vulnerable -being pregnant, and is probably only thinking about her feelings and her situation and not fully realising the consequences this will have for all involved.

Sorry missed update, didn't realise baby had been born!

Your friend has been very stupid, but did she only find out about the wife when they got married or did she know before that, that he was with someone? as the two situations are very different. However , saying that she now knows he is married and is still seeing him , presumably she thinks he will leave his wife and live happily ever after with her?

How can they live together now if he is married and won’t leave his wife?

She is deluded. I think in this situation she needs your support but I can understand how you feel, like you’re condoning it if you help her.

My friend recently left her husband and I’ve found it very hard to get past the fact that she cheated on him and lied to everyone about it.