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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to go NC with friend over cheating ??

51 replies

cherry2727 · 26/08/2018 23:08

Ok Mumsnetters - I need some perspective on this issue which has been bugging me for a while. I've read quite a number of posts here within the last few months by women who have been cheated on by their partners. As a married woman it breaks my heart to read about the pain that these women are going through. I feel a sense of empathy as a married woman and a woman with strong values against cheating.

A bit of background- I've been friends with my friend for a very long time and we have had a very lovely relationship. She has supported me through some quite challenging periods and vise versa. She met a guy whom she dated for about two years on and off. After two years of dating she found out that he recently got married .
She was heart broken as she was pregnant with his baby. He gave it the all" I don't love her and was forced into it!" Excuse. She decided to stick with him and make something out of their relationship as she loves him.

My dilemma is this - as a married woman I am strongly against her behaviour! I think it's appalling and reading some of the posts about Married women being cheated on has left me feeling sick about the situation. Also , my values do not permit me to agree with the decision that she has taken .

Whilst I am morally against her attitude/decision , I too want to be a good friend . I want to support her as a friend and don't want to come across as a sanctimonious, righteous cow ! I am not perfect myself however I do have values which differ from hers. She seem to think that she can live a normal happy life with this man who's married to another woman .

Please help me decide on how to deal with this situation. Do I tell her how I feel and is there a nice way of doing so or do I just carry on supporting her and not say much. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place . I feel disgusted by her as I've always considered her a lovely person with similar values of mine but I feel self righteous for judging. I don't know what to do or say really ..... I find myself being bitter towards her more and more but it's none of my business really - help me

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 26/08/2018 23:45

I wouldn't judge her for having a relationship with a married man. But I would be honest with her in telling her it's unlikely to end well.

I hate it when people blame the OW (or OM). HE's the one who's made a vow, not your friend. He's also a first class shit for two timing both her and his wife. She's goes to need your support for when it goes pear shaped, as it will.

Original poster
cherry2727 · 26/08/2018 23:45

Having had a friend who seemed to enjoy the constant drama of constant turbulent relationships, I eventually got to the point where I grew tired of constantly telling her the same things over and over again when she asked for advice. Eventually I stopped talking with her about her relationships and our friendship fizzled out bec

I feel like this too! She's constantly asking for my opinion and I just say to her to do what makes you happy.... I feel like we have been going though this for a long time and you kinda know that it may not end well but I still keep on telling her what she wants to hear

OP posts:
Original poster
cherry2727 · 26/08/2018 23:50

Your friend has been very stupid, but did she only find out about the wife when they got married or did she know before that, that he was with someone? as the two situations are very different. However , saying that she now knows he is married and is still seeing him , presumably she thinks he will leave his wife and live happily ever after with her? Unfortunately she found out after he got married. Yes you said it right . She's talking about the fairy tale life with him and even said that she feels sorry with for his wife.

How can they live together now if he is married and won’t leave his wife? He friend leave with his wife atm which works well in his favour!

She is deluded. I think in this situation she needs your support but I can understand how you feel, like you’re condoning it if you help her. Thank you for understanding. I will continue to support her .

My friend recently left her husband and I’ve found it very hard to get past the fact that she cheated on him and lied to everyone about it.* That must be tough op. Hope it gets better x

OP posts:
ExFury · 26/08/2018 23:51

He lived with your friend and their child? So on what way is he not leaving his wife?

Original poster
cherry2727 · 26/08/2018 23:55

No he doesn't live with them, he flats share privately. They are planning on moving in together. This is the life that he has promised her. Not sure how he is going to get away with it . His wife still lives at home according to him. My friend found out that he promised his wife a home . He works away so tells her that he's working to save to buy them a house.

OP posts:
sprinklesandsauce · 26/08/2018 23:55

He friend leave with his wife atm which works well in his favour!

Sorry, don’t understand this?

BasicUsername · 26/08/2018 23:56

Oh dear, everyone is so liberal about cheating on here. Until it happens to them.

Cheating is fucking awful, as is being willingly complicit in the situation.

Lots of people will say that you need to mind your own business, but she is making it your business by telling you about it. If she were my friend, I'd either distance myself from her, or I'd tell her that what she is doing is morally wrong, and I don't want to hear about it ever again.

thebewilderness · 26/08/2018 23:57

Treat it the same as if she were in an abusive relationship, which she is.
Be there for her because she will need you. Pay attention when he tries to isolate her.
Getting women pregnant to tie them to the abuser is sadly a common tactic.

sprinklesandsauce · 26/08/2018 23:57

Your friend is stupid. Why would he not be living with his wife? Does your friend not realise that cheats say whatever the girlfriend wants to hear? The wife is probably pregnant too.

Original poster
cherry2727 · 26/08/2018 23:59

Your role in all this is to be a good friend.
Not a judgey twat.

I think it's a bit uncalled for to refer to me as a twat. I just have a dilemma and thought I'd seek some advise before acting upon it. It's good to voice your opinion but no need to call me such names ! I haven't even done anything as yet! I still continue to support her and have done so from day one! Just thought I'd put my thoughts here and get some perspective on things!

OP posts:
Original poster
cherry2727 · 27/08/2018 00:03

Your friend is stupid. Why would he not be living with his wife? Does your friend not realise that cheats say whatever the girlfriend wants to hear? The wife is probably pregnant too.

I did think that too. She could be pregnant. I am not sure whether she is aware of these consequences. She dismisses the fact that he is married a lot and just talks about normal future plans with him. She even talks about having another baby within the next two years. These are the statements which make me bitter. I started off by having empathy but it's becoming a bit tedious now.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherry2727 · 27/08/2018 00:05

*He friend leave with his wife atm which works well in his favour!

Sorry, don’t understand this?*

Sorry typo - he doesn't leave his wife atm.

OP posts:
sprinklesandsauce · 27/08/2018 00:05

Sorry if I was harsh, it just astounded me. I think she needs your help to try and cut ties with him. He will string her along for years :(

PerfectPenquins · 27/08/2018 00:06

Well if she insists on constantly asking your opinion. I would be totally honest that I think it’s selfish, grubby and cruel. Yes she was lied to but when she found out the truth she has chosen to play a main role in another woman’s pain and that I would have no respect for her.

KioreWahine · 27/08/2018 00:08

I'd struggle with this too.

Does the wife know about the OW and the baby? She's had a lucky escape if they don't have kids and she can move on now.

A man who runs two women and marries one is no catch. I suspect your pal will need you in the future.

Original poster
cherry2727 · 27/08/2018 00:09

Treat it the same as if she were in an abusive relationship, which she is.
Be there for her because she will need you. Pay attention when he tries to isolate her.
Getting women pregnant to tie them to the abuser is sadly a common ta

I like this advise . It's very well put, thank you . I will continue to be there for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherry2727 · 27/08/2018 00:13

Sorry if I was harsh, it just astounded me. I think she needs your help to try and cut ties with him. He will string her along for years :(

That's ok but thanks for sharing your opinion. I don't want to be a horrible friend at all but I don't want to compromise on the things that I believe in hence the dilemma.
I see everyone's view that I should just continue to be there for her- she may need me one day if he doesn't change .

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 27/08/2018 00:16

I wonder if my experience could help you...

I invited a dear friend out for a very particular chat a few years ago. Without bad-mouthing her partner, I made it clear that I was having a lot of trouble talking/listening to him, and her talking about him. I said it was a question of my own personal principles (without outlining which ones). I said I would be very sad to lose her friendship, so wondered if we could continue, but with the understanding that I’d prefer it was one-on-one with her and that we avoid the ‘relationship counselling’ topics.

She was shocked, but agreed. For the most part we continued well for 2 years after this, with me occasionally steering the conversation away from him. Then he twigged, and forbade her from contacting me. Within 18 months she’d separated from him, and we picked up our friendship. She’s told me she was grateful that I was honest with her back then, and cared enough about her to try and still be a part of her life even though I disagreed with her choices.

Yes, it’s a risk to have this kind of conversation. She could get very angry, defensive or hurt. It’s important to speak fairly generally, without direct criticism of her or him. Make it totally about you. Specify (if you can) that you’d be only too happy to hear about her kid.

If you’re lucky, she could come to appreciate that chats with you stay on positive topics, world affairs and her beloved kid? So many friendships seem based on mutual whinge-sessions. Seems unhealthy (and really boring) to me.

Hope this helps.

Original poster
cherry2727 · 27/08/2018 00:16

Does the wife know about the OW and the baby? She's had a lucky escape if they don't have kids and she can move on now.

I don't think that the wife knows. My friend contacted her and asked her who she was initially. My friend only told her that she was his friend but didn't reveal anything more to her as she was in shock at that time.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherry2727 · 27/08/2018 00:21

Skittlesandbear
Thank you so much for sharing your story . I am pleased that you and your friend were able to rekindle your friendship.Thanks
I will learn one thing from this and it's to make our conversations about her well being and her baby's . It can be quite difficult as she seeks my advise on things such as " do you think we should move to xxxxx or xxxx!" It's soo hard but I will try to steer clear and prob cut short these types of conversations. Your story have given me a new strategy so thank you

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 27/08/2018 00:24

"After two years of dating she found out that he recently got married ."

You say he recently married. So was he actually cheating (on your poor friend) with the woman that he recently married?

Was your friend the one who was cheated on first?

(and if so, "as a married woman" are you "strongly against" that woman's behaviour? a bit interested in knowing)

Either way, given that she has a child with this man, she will always have some kind of connection with him, so the sooner all the information is out 'on the table', before the three of them, the better.

Original poster
cherry2727 · 27/08/2018 00:35

You say he recently married. So was he actually cheating (on your poor friend) with the woman that he recently married? I believe that it's the other way round as his wife states that they are childhood sweethearts.

Was your friend the one who was cheated on first?
I am not too sure as he doesn't seem to be very honest about the situation.

(and if so, "as a married woman" are you "strongly against" that woman's behaviour? a bit interested in knowing) as in the wife's? She doesn't know about my friend and the baby. She hasn't done anything wrong in my eyes. She's the only person left in the dark here. Quite sad really . *
*

OP posts:
TwentySmackeroos · 27/08/2018 00:39

Your friend is set up for an almighty fall.

Reason I asked about how pregnant she was, if wasn’t clear from your op if she had terminated or was still pregnant or what the timeline was. It is clear now she continued with the pregnancy. She is totally trapped, faced with poor options, either go it alone, or hope he follows through. In the latter case, could she ever truly want or trust him, given his track record?

She needs you as a friend. You might not like where she is, but her options are piss-poor. Please do what you can to help her. He sounds despicable.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/08/2018 00:46

You're not being a good friend by 'telling her what she wants to hear'

Nor would a real friend judge or ditch her in this awful situation she's found herself in.

Be honest without falling out with her (she needs her friends right now!) by telling her gently that he's a twat and nothing will change, he is not her happy ever after.

Original poster
cherry2727 · 27/08/2018 00:47

Twentysmackarooms

Yeah I will be there for her. I am utterly disgusted by him. I've seen him once since and I found out and I found it hard to look him in the eye and smile. I don't understand why people like him think that it's appropriate to deceive people in this way ?! I guess they can get away with it hence why.

The comments on here have reinstated my empathy towards my friend so thanks all. I was just caught up in my own feelings to be honest and a bit angry at her for carrying on the relationship x

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