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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down their offer?

74 replies

Whyohwhy65 · 26/08/2018 13:46

Me and dh always said we wanted to save for a house We've always said it and never started it. But I'm starting it now.
Mil has offered to double whatever we save for a deposit. But I don't want her money. She did the same for dhs brother and now it's all she talks about it. She tells everyone bil would never have gotten his house without her and makes him feel like he owes her for the rest of his life.
I don't want that. I would rather do it myself and know that it is all mine and dhs work that got our house.
Dh has gone off in a huff saying we will never be able to afford a house if we don't take their money.

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 26/08/2018 13:49

I can see it from both points of view.... But you need to not cut your nose off to spite your face. Could you take her offer at face value, and let her have her bragging rights?

As long as she doesn't expect a key, and pop round whenever, is it really the end of the world? You're in a lucky position in many ways..

DolorestheNewt · 26/08/2018 13:49

I completely understand why you would be reluctant. How realistic are your plans to go solo? Have you looked at the hard facts of how long it'll take you to save, property prices where you want to live, what kind of mortgage percentage you'll likely be offered, etc.?

SongToTheSiren1 · 26/08/2018 13:50

No advice OP but am in similar boat. My dad tellms me there is 10k for me for house deposit but I don't want to take it for the same reasons you mention above - a gift that's not a gift. I have said it's his money and he should spend it on himself as he worked hard for it! But he says his wife's children have been given the same (already taken) so he's no choice but to give it to me. It's tricky and I don't envy you.

Rarfy · 26/08/2018 13:51

I wouldn't turn it down. We are fortunate that dfil is borrowing us a deposit to buy our first place. I am so excited to be able to move into a nice new house instead of the ones we have been able to rent.

I would take it,borrow it if you dont want it hanging over your head.

SuperSuperSuper · 26/08/2018 13:52

Take it, but insist on paying at least half of it back in instalments?

CocoCharlie83 · 26/08/2018 13:55

If you don't want to feel indebted to MIL you could take it as a loan and repay it once able to.

YANBU if you are happy where you are just now and in no hurry to move so have time to save up the deposit you require. But if you feel you need to move ASAP you would be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you didn't accept the offer.

Original poster
Whyohwhy65 · 26/08/2018 13:55

She has a key to BIL house actually Shock
I didn't even think about that part. And I know she would want to come with us and 'help' us choose the house. Which would basically mean turning down every house we choose. Last time we talked about houses she suggested we get a 1 bedroom flat... with me, dh, a teenage boy and a baby girl living in it Hmm
I admit it would take years for us to save but I'm fine with that, I'm still young
I'm sure house hunting will be stressful enough and don't want to add her to the stress too

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyohwhy65 · 26/08/2018 13:56

Borrowing would be worse, she charges interest Grin
That's not a joke btwConfused

OP posts:
ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 26/08/2018 13:57

How quickly can you save a decent deposit? It's usually 20% isn't it. In our area, we'd need to save 40k which is really difficult on our current salaries. We would need to save for at least 10 years! I understand where your DH is coming from.

DolorestheNewt · 26/08/2018 13:58

Take it, but insist on paying at least half of it back in instalments?
Borrowing would be worse, she charges interest

And she'd still spend the rest of her life telling anyone who stands still long enough that you'd never have been able to do it without her. Only if you're desperate, OP!

Merryoldgoat · 26/08/2018 13:59

My PIL gave us £30k as the deposit for our flat when we were together a couple of years. I was extremely grateful and they have mentioned it only once in 9 years to say to his brother that the same is available to him when he’s ready.

If I felt like we’d have been beholden to them or ‘owed them’ for eternity then I’d have been reluctant too.

A gift should be given freely and kindly without a thought to the kudos you get for it or any reflected glory. It makes it feel tainted.

Alpacanorange · 26/08/2018 14:01

Take the money. Move away. At least a couple of hours.

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 26/08/2018 14:04

You and your DH need to be clear on boundaries. Her gifting you a sum of money does not give her rights to have that kind of access to your home.

Original poster
Whyohwhy65 · 26/08/2018 14:04

That's a good idea actually @alpacanorage.
Bil lives 5 minutes away from her. I definitely won't be moving any closer. But I know my ears would always be burning with her talking about it and I hate the feeling of owing people money

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 26/08/2018 14:04

let her do it but do the house hunting and choosing yourself

Original poster
Whyohwhy65 · 26/08/2018 14:05

Dh says because we know nothing about houses it's good to have her there so she can help us with it. She owns a lot of properties. I say isn't that what estate agents and bloody surveyors are for Hmm

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 26/08/2018 14:08

Don't take it. Its just a tactic to give her control & make you forever beholden to her. (unless that's a price you're prepared to pay). Charging interest on a family member loan? What is she, a Loan Shark? Low.

Slartybartfast · 26/08/2018 14:13

dont be too quick to turn down her offer.

Rebecca36 · 26/08/2018 14:14

Your mother in law needs to take on the, "Don't let your right hand know what your left is doing", concept. Plus charity should be given quietly and discreetly.

Too late for your brother in law but if I were you I'd take her money but remind her of the above, first. I don't suppose she means any harm, some people are just like that but it is embarrassing and annoying. She gives, you say a big thank you, end of.

mumsastudent · 26/08/2018 14:14

why not treat it as along term loan &suggest paying it back slowly over time as/when you can afford it

cheeseoverchocolate · 26/08/2018 14:18

I wouldn't take it.

RandomMess · 26/08/2018 14:21

Nah I wouldn't be keen with DBIL history.

Have you looked into the ISA pension/house purchase scheme where the government doubles your money? Not sure if you can have one each if married?

Mrstwiddle · 26/08/2018 14:22

I’d be reluctant to take it too.

I borrowed a fairly small amount of money from my mil to buy a house, repaid it all within 3 months, but I can guarantee she’s going round telling all her friends she “gave” us money for the house...if I could go back in time, I’d borrow from my parents instead.

MalloryLaurel · 26/08/2018 14:24

I agree do not take her money. She uses her wealth to control people. I'd run for the hills!

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 26/08/2018 14:26

I personally wouldn't want to take someone else's money as deposit as you are indebted to them.

But also, if they have already shown themselves to be banging on about it and charging interest - you would be crazy to do this.