To turn down their offer?

[Whyohwhy65]

Me and dh always said we wanted to save for a house We've always said it and never started it. But I'm starting it now.
Mil has offered to double whatever we save for a deposit. But I don't want her money. She did the same for dhs brother and now it's all she talks about it. She tells everyone bil would never have gotten his house without her and makes him feel like he owes her for the rest of his life.
I don't want that. I would rather do it myself and know that it is all mine and dhs work that got our house.
Dh has gone off in a huff saying we will never be able to afford a house if we don't take their money.

She wants us to get the 1 bedroom flat so we can do it up and then resell it. I don't want that. I want to buy a house we like. Move in and live it in. I'm not looking for an investment. I want to own my own home

You would be crazy and naive to not accept the help.

Also the properties she owns are abroad so she would never offer us one of those

It sounds as though there would be too many strings attached - I wouldn't do it in these circumstances

Ops,its a pity she can't move into one of her properties abroad isn't it ?
I would consider taking the deposit offered only after telling her that you just have to hear one report of her to enable you to purchase and you will go NC completly,take it or leave it.
Try your best at moving out of her area all together best thing to do really she sounds a nightmare.
We have given all 3 of ours chunks towards their deposits and have never discussed it either between ourselves or anyone else.

Never in a million years would I accept money from my MIL. Who wants to be 55 and still hearing, 'well you wouldn't even have a house without me!' No thanks.

Take it and move far away, so far that her bragging cannot be heard.

Actually OP having your MIL invest in a flat that isn't your home could be a good offer. If you do it up, sell it on and make a profit. You can repay her her 'investment' and you'd have a little more capital to invest in your own home.

Well OP, you've got a live example of how it will go down in the form of your BIL and how your MIL treats that situation. If I were you, I wouldn't take the money. Being obligated to a family member who you know will hold it over you, will bring you endless misery - your "gratitude" will be expected far after you've paid her back. I'd just smile and say how kind she is and just never actually get to the point of accepting the money from her. I'd probably keep any house hunting progress to a minimum with her and only announce your house purchase once it's officially settled.

me, dh, a teenage boy and a baby girl living in it

So where is everyone meant to sleep in the 1 bed flat/house?

It's madness. No way would I accept her money. A gift with conditions is not a gift I'd accept.

It sounds like you're going to have a problem with DH if you refuse (which I also think you should, just from what you've mentioned on here, I can tell the type of person she is, and she's not someone I'd want to take money from). Is he likely to railroad you into accepting her offer?

Does he have trouble saying no to her?

Oh, forgot to mention, I recommend heading over to Money Saving Expert and reading up about housebuying. Also, the House buying, renting, and selling, section of the forums over there is worth a read to see what sorts of problems can crop up, and if you have any questions of your own, there are some very knowledgeable member who are very helpful. I'd trust their opinion more than your MIL's.

Do you and dh rent now? So point out to him you are both capable and experienced in picking a property that you want to live in that meets your family's needs. The bit you don't know about is the buying process, dealing with solicitors, surveyors, and perhaps his mum's advice/recommendations would be handy then, but you really don't need her for the first bit of choosing which house - you two have done that already.

As for her money, I would consider she's probably already telling everyone she's matching what you save, and so any delay in buying is just you and your dh are crap at saving...

I wouldn't turn it down. We are fortunate that dfil is borrowing us a deposit to buy our first place.

I don’t think you realise how little sense that sentence makes, Rarfy 😂

OP: do not accept. Never mix family with major things like this. Your instincts are correct, the strings are more than it’s worth, and like you say, you’ll appreciate it much more knowing you’ve worked for it on your own. I wouldn’t touch money from family with a barge pole when it’s for something as important as buying a house.

And no, that’s not coming from a position of privilege where I can easily afford to buy without help, I’m saving currently and it’s a long hard slog, but it’s much better this way. I wouldn’t accept any money from relatives.

those saying they wouldn't turn it down clearly have no experience of controlling people

If she’s going to whine make it worth your while borrow from anyone and everyone and tell her you’ve saved a very big amount and ask her to hand over the same. I suspect she will find something to tell everyone about regardless so I’d go with it. We have a bigger house than many of my peers because of a healthy inheritance I’m very grateful when I see our boys and their friends in our decent sized garden and have parties in our fairly big house. I’m lucky nobody rubs my face in it but it’s so much nicer than we would have afforded, and if we’d had to save for a deposit the market would have moved on and we’d be in something much smaller. Stand firm when house hunting. You can even add some decoys in, we looked at houses that didn’t quite seem right to make sure we didn’t want something else, put some awful ones in, you can always say no.

The only way I’d consider it in your shoes is to save up what would get me a deposit on something suitable that I liked.
Then use the extra amount to increase the deposit on the same house, thus reducing the mortgage monthly payments.

Not use the extra to get a bigger nicer house. That way when the ‘if it wasn’t for me...’ from MIL starts you can smile at her warmly and say “oh no, we could always have afforded this house, we just reduced our monthly payments with your gift, but we still appreciate the lovely gift all the same”.

NEVER ever make any reference to the monetary gift as ‘help’ at any time.

Her buying a flat to do up and sell as part of her property portfolio, which sounds like probably a good idea for her, is a completely separate thing to buying a home for a young family with a teenager and a baby. She's trying to kill two birds with one stone but they're two very different birds. I would explain that you're happy to save for longer for your forever house and she should keep her money for her own projects.

Actually thinking further, if she's used to buying investment properties, you can smile at DH and point out his mum will be looking at properties differently to you - you'll be looking for a property that you both want to live in for years, that will suit you, but also you get a good 'feel' from. You need an emotional response, not just a purely financial consideration.

You may find there's half a dozen 3 bed houses that are within a few roads of each other in your price range, the decision to by house 2 rather than house 5 often comes down to which one you like the best. You MIL with her 'property devloper' head on might be looking at which will increase in value quicker or have a slightly higher rental value, but if you plan to live in the house for 10-15 years, those things are irrelvant to you.

Oddly, this reminds me of a thead I read years ago when that OP's DH had been convinced by a family member who was a jewelery expert to buy a plain but big dimond engagement ring, rather than the sort of vintage style the OP would prefer, because it would 'hold its value more'. The OP couldn't get through to either of them that holding it's value when you will never ever sell something doesn't matter. They were thinking purely as a ring as an investment, not something to be worn daily until death, then handed to DC who also probably won't sell it. Property developers do often struggle to stop viewing houses as investments, but as a home to live in forever/until your DCs have left home in a couple of decades time.

So don't take MIL with you. She'll not be helping you find a family home, and you don't need an investment.

God no- you already have the evidence of how she will behave.

Oof, I get you.

I had a steaming row with my mum after she kept bragging to a random shop assistant about 'putting me through university', to which I asked, 'Oh, so it's YOUR salary they deduct from monthly then?'.

The thing is with this brand of bragger is that it's never about pride in their children, it's always about showing off their contribution - my mum would never talk about my academic achievements without shoehorning in how much 'help' she gave (which was bollocks into the bargain as well as undermining the achievement she was supposedly bragging about).

I broke the cycle by doing just what you aim to do. My fiance and I saved our house deposit for ourselves.

Yes, the bragging is a minor battle, but by god is it satisfying to have escaped it.

Not all parents use house deposits as bragging rights or control chips.
I gave DD and her partner a 50% deposit for their home, but I regard it as entirely theirs. I was very touched when they offered me a key - I had never asked for one and was surprised, but I always ring the bell first, I’d never just barge in.
And I didn’t try to influence the choice of property either, just commented on pros and cons if asked. I’m doing the same for DD2, who is flat hunting at present.

The bragging is just part of the dysfunctional family set-up, and it ties you into that set up.

No, carry on saving. Well worth the sacrifice, and the only people who don't think that are those without toxic families.

Gifts should come with ribbons, not strings attached

Carry on saving and don't take her money.