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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn down their offer?

74 replies

Whyohwhy65 · 26/08/2018 13:46

Me and dh always said we wanted to save for a house We've always said it and never started it. But I'm starting it now.
Mil has offered to double whatever we save for a deposit. But I don't want her money. She did the same for dhs brother and now it's all she talks about it. She tells everyone bil would never have gotten his house without her and makes him feel like he owes her for the rest of his life.
I don't want that. I would rather do it myself and know that it is all mine and dhs work that got our house.
Dh has gone off in a huff saying we will never be able to afford a house if we don't take their money.

OP posts:
supadupapupascupa · 26/08/2018 14:28

We borrowed money from parents on more than occasion to get us into a house. We’ve gone down the part ownership route, but in your case I would consider what we’ve also done which is a promissory note. A legally binding loan. Then they gave no ownership at all. And get their money back.

SandyY2K · 26/08/2018 14:29

she would want to come with us and 'help' us choose the house.

Absolutely not.

There are many first time buyers...they don't all choose a house with their mum's approval ...is he a baby or something.

It would totally ruin the house hunting experience.

I wouldn't accept her money under these circumstances and would rather rent for life.

Ohyesiam · 26/08/2018 14:29

It’s not particularly stressful house hunting, much less than selling a house.
If your dh needs help choosing / evaluating houses tell him to read a few blogs or threads on here. You won’t get it wrong unless you really rush into it.
He can always take queries to his mother to involve her. Or just do what everyone else dies and use your own sense and judgementWink.
I’d not want her involved, I really see your POV.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/08/2018 14:30

On the basis of what you've said about her attitude I wouldn't even touch it

And forget any idea of using it to buy a place further away ... do you seriously imagine she'd use her money to let you do that? Hmm

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/08/2018 14:32

There is no moan-free option here. If you take the money, she will loudly tell everyone that it was only thanks to her etc. This will last until she dies or loses the power of speech. If you don' take the money, she will moan loudly and permanently that you turned down her kind offer and would have moved years earlier if you weren't so unreasonable. See above for timescales.

You will hear about it forever no matter what you do. So just do what you want.

aprilanne · 26/08/2018 14:34

i dont understand some people really we gave our son and wife a large part of there deposit.i have never mentioned it since he is our son and we were happy to help end of story .

JohnnyKarate · 26/08/2018 14:37

Don't do it OP. Me and my DP saved like mad for our house. Once we had put an offer in we moved in to his parents for two months to save on rent. I am extremely grateful for this and always will be as we really couldn't afford our rental anymore.

My big annoyance is they tell anyone and everyone that we could only afford to buy our house because we lived with them. They often Lord it over us and then make us agree to things we don't want to do. I am now very low contact with them because of their attitude to money and the fact they feel we owe them. It's also worth mentioning we paid them rent, it was greatly reduced but we didn't live there free!!

GooodMythicalMorning · 26/08/2018 14:37

Dont do it. You'll regret it forever if it goes tits up.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/08/2018 14:42

Dh says because we know nothing about houses it's good to have her there so she can help us with it

Is he always this lame? And what would happen when you came to furnish the place - would he insist that mummy's done this in so many houses that she should do yours too? Hmm

Personally I'd watch out for the possibility that he's already discussed this with her and left you out of it, which would be a whole other kettle of fish ...

heartsease68 · 26/08/2018 14:44

I think you're doing the right thing. Owning a house is not the be all and end all. Also, if your DH was saving he'd be in a position to have an opinion. But he's not so...

user1457017537 · 26/08/2018 14:48

If she owns a lot of properties why can’t she gift you one?

DolorestheNewt · 26/08/2018 14:58

I don't think it's a good idea to have his mum view houses with you, particularly given the dynamics, and yes, it's perfectly possible to fly solo, but I don't think your DH is either lame or a baby for suggesting it. Plenty of people like to draw on the expertise of someone who is practised in housebuying or post questions on Mumsnet so that they can see what a lot of MNers whom they don't know from Adam think.

MulticolourMophead · 26/08/2018 15:01

If MIL is suggesting a one bedroom flat for you, DH, a teen and a baby, she either doesn't know as much about housing as she thinks she does, or there's something else going on.

And I'd agree you need a good talk with your DH, as it wouldn't be a surprise if he's already been discussing stuff with MIL.

FullMetalRabbit · 26/08/2018 15:03

I wouldn't take it - CSIblonde is right - it's about control

QuoadUltra · 26/08/2018 15:06

I think take her money and ignore her chat. You really can just ignore it. Just don’t rise to it. It is just talk. And her advice on the houses sounds useful - she can’t make you buy something you don’t want.

Take the money and give your DC her best family home possible to grow up in.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/08/2018 15:06

Get saving and prove him wrong. There are a lot of first time buyer incentives out there that don’t come with emotional strings attached.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/08/2018 15:09

I agree do not take her money. She uses her wealth to control people. I'd run for the hills!

This what Mallory says - you will always be beholden, she will use it to control and manipulate you and you will never be free of her evil influence!!

So, you buy a property with her help and advice? What happens if you decide to move house from the one she approves of? What if she isn't happy with that and wants 'her" money back? What if she doesn't even just want interest, but wants it proportionally back - so, if your home increases in value by 20%, she wants 20% more than she actually gave you?

She will be a thorn in your side from the day you accept her tainted cash. JUST SAY NO!

(Projecting, I admit - I saw this with my parents and my evil, EVIL paternal grandmother. She ruined all of our lives. This will affect your children as well as you and your DP. Truly, it isn't worth it.)

Pettyspaghetti · 26/08/2018 15:13

Probably an unpopular opinion, but my friend was in a similar position last year. Due to renting it would have taken her and DH years to save for a deposit. PIL offered a partial deposit but wanted the house to be in a specific area, etc etc. They refused, and ended up taking out a loan for the mortgage deposit, as some places still do this. With their mortgage repayments and the loan repayment they are still paying less than what they did in rent. Is it a possibility that you can do this?
If not, I’d either make sure your DH makes it’s absolutely clear that accepting her offer doesn’t mean she has any say/ownership over the house. If she can’t agree with that I’d save up on my own. Like you said, you’re young so there’s still plenty of time.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/08/2018 15:14

If MIL is suggesting a one bedroom flat for you, DH, a teen and a baby, she either doesn't know as much about housing as she thinks she does, or there's something else going on

Quite so ... considering she's supposed to be so well versed in house buying, isn't this a rather strange thing to suggest?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/08/2018 15:17

OP, it definitely can be a help to take somebody more experienced with you for viewings, if you are new to it all. (Though probably not your MiL!)
Whatever you do, don't take everything estate agents may say as gospel!! They just want to get the place sold - they certainly won't be pointing out any negatives to you, e.g. lack of storage space, windows stuck up with paint, signs of damp/rot, garden facing the wrong way - lots of things all too easy to forget or miss as a first-timer.

Toddlerteaplease · 26/08/2018 15:19

I'd bite my parents hands off if they offered r that kind of money!

longtompot · 26/08/2018 15:26

Talk to your bil about how it has been since he was given the money to buy his place, and decide from there. He might be able to you some ideas to put into place before accepting ie you have final decision on which property as despite her money the mortgage is still in your names and not hers, move a good non daily visiting distance away etc.

We wouldn't have been able to buy our house without my inlaws help, so don't turn it down because you don't want to be beholden to her. Nod and smile, nod and smile whenever she mentions it.

holidaycountdown54321 · 26/08/2018 15:33

I refused deposit help from our in laws too, I just didn't want what you mention to happen. I did however very foolishly accept a £5000 loan from them to do some renovations once we got the house. We didn't need it as we'd saved a large deposit and could have just held 5k back, but no my husband insisted and promised they would never throw it back at us.

Fast forward 12 months later we had a fallout over them being interfering (after having our first child), my mil writes a letter to me (just me not my husband), you know because we don't have phones or messenger. In the letter she listed off all the great things she had done for us, all money related stuff, even included our wedding which they offered to help towards, I didn't ask!!!. The thing that made me most angry was that she wrote "you wouldn't have been able to buy and renovate your home without us". It simply was not true and the reason we could buy it was several years of very hard saving. It made (and still makes) my blood boil!

Whatever you do don't accept the help, it comes with hidden conditions!! I massively regret borrowing anything from ours I should have stuck by my guns and said no thanks.

CoolCarrie · 26/08/2018 15:45

Do it yourselves, then you know you owe her nothing. She is obviously a controlling piece of work, who will, no doubt, expect a key and bragging rights about your home, don’t let her control you, learn from your bil experience.

Slartybartfast · 26/08/2018 15:58

an old friend married into a family of estate agents, they bought her and her dh their first house. so lucky.