Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re being a bridesmaid?

62 replies

AnduinsGirl · 26/08/2018 10:59

Hi all,
Hope INBU but willing to listen to all perpectives!
One of my oldest male mates is getting married to his partner (also male) of a year, and has asked me to be a bridesmaid and do a speech, which I'm very nervous about. So far, he's shelled out a LOT on the wedding, which is obviously his prerogative. He's asked 4 of us to be bridesmaids and wants us to have a very particular style of dress, which he has said he will pay for. He has made a whatsapp group for us and sent 7/8 dresses in this style, but they're all from dodgy FB links - you know, where the dresses cos £24.99 and come from China 8 sizes too small....He's said he doesn't want to spend much more than that on our dresses. Furthermore, he's asked that we do our own hair and makeup. I am not a hair/makeup expert, my daily look is very basic and I am really worried about the whole thing now. I'm size 22 so worried about finding a dress that fits as it is, but just feel I'm going to end up in front of 200 people looking an absolute mess.
Am I being a dick? Is it not normal to kit out your bridesmaids including hair, etc? If IABU I will pay to get hair/makeup done.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2018 11:07

You’re not being a dick but your expectations might be a bit high.

I’ve been a bm 6 times and never had the couple pay for my hair and make up. I did my own for my wedding and would hate someone else doing it! If he’s not insisting on a particular style of hair or make up then just do what you normally do.

On the dresses, if he’s paying then you need to go along with it but make sure you get them in plenty of time so if it doesn’t fit or you absolutely hate it you’ve got time to tell him and look at alternatives.

Is he clear on the style? Are all 4 going to be the same? You could look at somewhere like amazon or Debenhams and try and find something at that price in the sale and suggest it.

At one wedding, the bride had our dresses “made to measure” and they cocked them up completely, it was a nightmare. I wear dresses all the time and don’t have a problem getting dressed from normal shops to fit so to have something apparently made to fit perfectly was staggering.

It’s only one day and while you want to feel comfortable it doesn’t matter if it’s not perfect. Try tk maxx for bargain dresses.

Original poster
AnduinsGirl · 26/08/2018 11:10

Thanks Anne, I really appreciate the input without a flaming :D
I'm not desperate to get a personally tailored expensive dress or anything like that, I just really don't want something ill-fitting and poor quality. Defiitely think I'll have to have a look myself. We don't all have to wear identical, but of the same style and colour combo he's requested. So I suppose I have some flexibility there. No way I can do my hair/makeup to match that style though - the venue is extremely fancy and I wouldn't feel comfortable there having made a mess of it myself. Thanks again

OP posts:
Bringonspring · 26/08/2018 11:10

It might be worth him getting you a larger style and then having it tailored (although can be expensive)

I wouldn’t expect my hair and make up to be paid for.

CornishMaid1 · 26/08/2018 11:11

Some of the online ordering ones do all for measurements. To be safe you may want to be generous on the measurements - it is much easier to get the dress taken in and fitted than having a dress that is too small.

CornishMaid1 · 26/08/2018 11:11

*ask not all

Hellywelly10 · 26/08/2018 11:11

Has he ever bought dresses from china before? I did once, not good and impossible to get a refund.

Twotailed · 26/08/2018 11:14

I think if the bride / groom is insisting on you getting your hair and makeup done professionally then they should pay but if it’s your choice, you should pay. Re the dress he isn’t unreasonable to choose an inexpensive one but he would be very silly to order it online - gently suggest you all have a look in Debenhams or a reputable website instead.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 26/08/2018 11:14

My sister had a dress for prom from China and it was amazing!

Tbh, I probably would expect my hair and make up to be paid for. If it came to it I would pay for it myself, if that were the case I'd have it exactly how I like it etc.

Popc0rn · 26/08/2018 11:15

When is the wedding?
Can you have a makeover at a makeup counter and get them to show you how to do your makeup?
Or watch some youtube tutorials?
Do you know any of the other bridesmaids? Will you be getting ready together?
Could one of them help with your hair and make up?

fuzzywuzzy · 26/08/2018 11:15

Hair and make up I think personally you should get done.

But dresses, I’d want to be able to try on before hand and ensure they properly fit and have options if they don’t. Which a dress from China won’t.

Try Debenhams/misguided/Dorothy Perkins or other high street stores. Otherwise I’d bow out. I’ve seen outfits from China and they’re really hit or miss fit wise and the material they use!

Original poster
AnduinsGirl · 26/08/2018 11:18

Thanks guys, I really appreciate this. Ok, I'll sort my own hair and makeup, just got to sort a dress. I agree that buying from China is not a reliable choice, problem is, the particular style he wants is not in the slightest bit common on the high street so I can only imagine buying online. Wedding is not until December so I guess if I start looking now I'll find something.

OP posts:
Mintylicious · 26/08/2018 11:18

I’d be honest with him, OP. Explain that you’re thrilled and flattered but very worried about the dress fitting - ask if you could maybe choose one in the same colour or something? What size are the other bridesmaids; are they likely to have similar concerns?

If it were me, i’d offer to pay for it myself, but you might find he changes his mind when he’s had a look at a few. Dessy is quite a good site; they go from size 0-size 30, and there’s loads of different styles:

uk.dessy.com/plus-size-bridesmaid-dresses/

HolidayHelpPlease · 26/08/2018 11:19

Have a look on ASOS - their wedding wear is super high quality, comes in a range of sizes and is cheapish (plus there’s always discount codes and easy returns)

ReservoirDogs · 26/08/2018 11:19

Have you thought about discussing with the other bridesmaids and then going out together to look? Or if you all decide you don't want the cheap tat asking the groom to give you all an allowance and then top up the difference. That way you can all chose dresses you like and would wear again but not have to pay the full amount for them.

ReservoirDogs · 26/08/2018 11:23

also if you google mismatched bridesmaids dresses quite a few come up and have sales on at the moment.

BaronessBomburst · 26/08/2018 11:27

I have a friend who is a size 22 and orders most of her clothes from AliExpress. She's generally very successful and has some lovely stuff. You have to check the measurements carefully with each item of clothing though, even with the same seller, as you could be an XXL with one dress and an XXXL with another.
I think it's worth paying to get your hair and make-up done professionally. You'll look and feel a million dollars. I did when I got married and the transformation was amazing. Grin

HettieBettie · 26/08/2018 11:30

My bridesmaids wore dresses from Tesco and they looked beautiful and loved them. They still wear them now x

shirleyschmidt · 26/08/2018 11:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable. At my own wedding I paid for BM dress, hair, makeup, and alterations. I saw it that they were doing me a favour and supporting me on the big day, and I didn't want it to cost them. In the grand scheme of the costs it was one of the cheaper expenses!

There has to be some balance. If he was getting you a normal dress and alterations etc, it's more understandable he may not be able to afford to cover the hair and makeup on top. And you perhaps wouldn't mind doing those bits yourself as you'd feel good in the dress.

In this case I can see why you're anxious about the finished result. Cheap dress and left to it with hair and makeup. And if they've splashed the cash on the rest of the wedding, it feels mean to scrimp to this extent on the bridesmaids.
Suggestions above are good, hopefully you reach a compromise.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 26/08/2018 11:38

What are the other bridesmaids like in terms of skills? If one can do hair and another can do make up then at least if you all get ready together you'll all be to a similar standard, rather than one super-groomed one, one scruffy one and a couple in the middle.

Papergirl1968 · 26/08/2018 11:42

Could you get one made? There’s a prom dress shop near me that makes one if you take pictures of your favoured style and colour. But any dressmaker could do it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/08/2018 11:44

I am now desperate to know what sort of dresses you'll be wearing if you cannot get them easily on the high st.

CalonGlas · 26/08/2018 11:45

When you say, 'particular style'... I understand why you're being a little cagey about the dress because you don't want to be outed if they're very, VERY unusual, but can you give us a clue of some kind - in case anyone knows of somewhere in the UK that might sell them?

It's a bit of a Don't Tell The Bride move, though, to spend a lot on the bits of the wedding that you like, and then pass the cost of the bits you're not that interested in onto guests who don't really have an option but to shell out.

CandleWithHair · 26/08/2018 11:46

I’m not clear from your OP - is he also asking that you have a specific hairstyle and make up?? If he is, and it’s not something you can do then I do think he is BU not to pay for a stylist.
If you can do your hair/makeup as you wish, then he’s not BU to expect you to DIY

As for the dresses, don’t be terrified of his choice. Just make sure he knows to order with plenty of time in case of problems with fit etc. and if he’s insistent on ordering from China that he realises if they’re rubbish he may have to pay twice for a replacement.
I’ve had some great stuff from China, but also some utter shit! It’s a minefield

CalonGlas · 26/08/2018 11:47

Is it a cheongsam?

goodgirls · 26/08/2018 11:53

I'd be telling him to sod off. He's spent loads of money on other aspects of the wedding but expects you to wear a too small chinese sack and spend your own money on hair, makeup, shoes etc?

No thanks mate. (and its groomsmaid, you can't be a bridesmaid when there is no bride!)