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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re being a bridesmaid?

62 replies

AnduinsGirl · 26/08/2018 10:59

Hi all,
Hope INBU but willing to listen to all perpectives!
One of my oldest male mates is getting married to his partner (also male) of a year, and has asked me to be a bridesmaid and do a speech, which I'm very nervous about. So far, he's shelled out a LOT on the wedding, which is obviously his prerogative. He's asked 4 of us to be bridesmaids and wants us to have a very particular style of dress, which he has said he will pay for. He has made a whatsapp group for us and sent 7/8 dresses in this style, but they're all from dodgy FB links - you know, where the dresses cos £24.99 and come from China 8 sizes too small....He's said he doesn't want to spend much more than that on our dresses. Furthermore, he's asked that we do our own hair and makeup. I am not a hair/makeup expert, my daily look is very basic and I am really worried about the whole thing now. I'm size 22 so worried about finding a dress that fits as it is, but just feel I'm going to end up in front of 200 people looking an absolute mess.
Am I being a dick? Is it not normal to kit out your bridesmaids including hair, etc? If IABU I will pay to get hair/makeup done.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 26/08/2018 11:57

Just say you have changed your mind and just would like to be a regular guest. You dont have to give him any reason.
Hes been a tight arse, fair enough him not paying for hair and make up, but everyone knows that finding a nice dress in a x large size for £24.99 will be hard. I would'nt want to be uncomfortable.

FASH84 · 26/08/2018 12:01

I ordered my bridesmaids dresses from China, I knew it was a risk but one especially needed made to measure, we'd trawled every shop going, and that was going to cost hundreds here, I used JJs house, I was really worried and ordered just hers first, I added an extra inch to the bust (turned out so had the person who measured her 🙈) , shouldn't have, it was perfect other than the extra space on the bust which we had altered for a very small amount. I even put a note saying I'd like the dress to hit just below the knee (very short but busty bridesmaid, wedding abroad), they emailed me within 24 hours to say from your other measurements we think this would be x inches, can you please take this extra measurement, we did and they were bang on. However the dress was around £100 which is cheap for made to measure in the UK but nothing like the £25 he's talking about. I ended up getting all my bridesmaids dresses there other than the flower girl, all the girls were really happy with the fit of their dresses and some had been bridesmaids in other weddings with more expensive dresses (they'd been asked to pay for, I paid for all of mine) , and they said the fit was best in those ones. One of my girls has since worn hers to a uni formal. The only thing I'd say is order fabric swatches first as the screen colours aren't that accurate.

DisneyMice · 26/08/2018 12:06

I got my bridesmaid dresses made to measure from China, although the seller was based in the uk. They came 3 weeks late and were an absolute disaster. They refused to give a refund because they 'need to make a profit'. Luckily I had very good wedding insurance that paid out for 4 new dresses from coast. I had 4 weeks to find them, get them delivered and shortened. It was stressful!

However, yabu about hair and makeup.

Knittedfairies · 26/08/2018 12:07

OP, could you post a link to the dresses your friend would like? Then those of us with nothing very exciting to do on a wet Sunday could go shopping for you?

minisoksmakehardwork · 26/08/2018 12:08

On eBay I've always had great success with cherlone dresses. I'm a size 18 and found they do a lot with a stretch fabric panel so there is plenty of room. Have a look at that brand. They aren't expensive either.

Traditionally the bridesmaids would pay for their own dresses etc. It is a modern tradition to pay for your bridal party. No doubt driven by the desire for the perfectly coordinated wedding.

But if he's going to be a groomzilla, you are also perfectly ok so say you can't commit to what he wants.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/08/2018 12:08

Can you post a photo/description of the required style/colour? Maybe people can find some.

He might not appreciate the fact that the dresses won’t be as they look in the photos. Maybe find some examples of the cheap Chinese dress disasters to show him/the other BMs the risk.

You don’t need to have fancy hair or make up at all. If you want it and would feel more confident with it, then it’s worth paying for. If it’s not far from home you could consider timing a cut and blow dry with your usual hairdresser to be good for the wedding, then it’s a cost you would have paid anyway.

IamPickleRick · 26/08/2018 12:09

Point him in the direction of little mistress and quiz. You will get nice dresses in there for cheaps and in your size Smile

Your hair, you pay for it I’m afraid. I’ve done it 5 times and only had my hair and make up paid for once.

IamPickleRick · 26/08/2018 12:11

Also, if the style he wants is those wrap your own dresses - the stretch jersey ones that’s you can personalise - ebay, boohoo and ASOS are very good for those

goose1964 · 26/08/2018 12:14

,DD was a bridesmaid and her friend bought their dresses from China, although they sent measurements none of the dresses fitted and needed altering, which, by the time it had been paid for meant the dresses cost more than if they'd gone to Debenhams and bought a dress from there. Even after alterations the proportions were wrong and the dresses look awful on.

Don't buy from China it's s false economy

JustTheLemons · 26/08/2018 12:17

What is the colour scheme OP? I tried all sorts of expensive dresses for my bridesmaids- just found perfect multiway ones on amazon for £25 each. They feel great quality and look gorgeous.

ClemHFandango · 26/08/2018 12:24

I got my bridesmaids dresses from Lightinthebox, which is a Chinese company. I gave them all the measurements and they made them to order. They were good quality, but I ended up not using them because one of my bridesmaids found out she was pregnant and would be 7 months along by the wedding. The dresses they wore on the day came from Asos in the end and turned out to be much more appropriate style-wise.

fuzzyfozzy · 26/08/2018 12:27

My daughter got one from China, lovely dress but didn't fit well. We had to get the zipper taken out and a corset put in. Great after that.

TwoBlueShoes · 26/08/2018 12:31

He's paying for the dresses from China so it's his risk. I would just let him get on with it. If they come back unwearable then it's time to have a conversation, but they might be fine, so better to wait and see, I think.

Kisskiss · 26/08/2018 12:35

I ordered a black tie dress from China ( off ali express) for 100 quid and it was actually amazing ( I’d tried everything else including harrods/selfridges but hadn’t seen a style I wanted for under 1k gbp)
Not all China made dresses are awful as it varies a lot seller to seller, but it’s better to shop where u can see actual buyer reviews and photos..

On the Hair and makeup thing, I’ve had my hair/makeup paid for or not and it’s usually up to the couple.. didn’t care much either way. Sometimes professional makeovers can turn out horrific ugh.. plus he’s a man so probably doesn’t think much about the importance of Hair or makeup! If it is important to you maybe try gently suggesting that if they hire a mua/hair stylist for the bridesmaids you will all look more cohesive and the bridal party photos will look better?

ZoeWashburne · 26/08/2018 12:36

What colour is it? Could you say "If you want to save money, how about have all of us wear a LBD that we already own and you get us bouquets in the colour that matches your scheme?"

For your hair and makeup, just do it in a way you like it.

Chinese knockoff dresses aren't just risky for their fit- they actually often use child/slave labour. It's not just a bad decision economically, but morally as well, too.

BrokenWing · 26/08/2018 12:42

You can almost guarantee the dresses from China will be a disaster, he wont be able to get a refund, will have to buy in UK at last minute and/or need to pay a fortunate to get the dresses not just tailored but fixed.

Get him to google china bridesmaid dresses vs reality and look at the images, some of them are hilarious and that is the risk he is taking.

What kind of style is he looking for?

AIBU re being a bridesmaid?
LokiBear · 26/08/2018 12:49

I had one of those dresses for my friends wedding (same situation as you - she bought tbe dress). Honestly, it was fine. Order a size bigger in a corset back. Once it arrives you could alwats match it with a bolero or wrap which is what my friends sister did to give her dress a 'maid of honour' twist.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2018 12:51

You don't have to be a BM to be a reader -if thatis easier, ask if you can do that instead.
Only you yourself know what suits your bodyshape and what you would feel comfortable in. Dont let yourself be pressurised into something that suits the other 3 but not you. You'll be miserable on the day and in advance.
After 4 kids, I have to be v careful about dresses and I know what's never going to work for me and what looks good.

There's been some good suggestions of places that would do nice dresses for size 22 which would be more likely to take into account your specific requirements, styles etc..You could order some to try on and return as necessary.
If I were you, I'd do my hair and make up nicely and take a pair of nice shoes and go to some of these shops, trying on the dresses, find some styles that suit you best. Take a quick pic.. and then have another chat with him. You can then show him exactly what you need and what will look terrible. He probably doesn't get it yet.
Could you wear a matching colour in the style you like? or even get something made but with a UK person you could have actual fittings with?
As to hair and make up. Unless he's asking for something specific that would be hard to do on your own, normally people get their own done. But its worth getting a hair blow dry? and Nails.. they make everything glam. Or he could organise someone to come in and do all four of you and perhaps eveyrone could contribute to that.
I'm sure if have a good look you can find something that makes you look absolutely lovely and best wishes for a wonderful day.

KC225 · 26/08/2018 12:59

Have a look on eBay, they have some great bridesmaid dresses and basically its only worn for a day. If it's in the same colour as they others, say as you are making a speech you can look slightly different. Say, you need a bit more structure to your dress and having a Chinese one will cost a lot be altered.

Think he should be paying for your hair and make up to be done. Can you not source some prices for them. You want to all look your best in his wedding photographs.

CuppaSarah · 26/08/2018 13:04

With four of you being bridesmaids, I'm sure between you all you'll be able to manage the hair and make up easily. Have a couple practice get togethers. This what I've done when doing it ourselves, YouTube and Pinterest has loads of tutorials.

The practice runs were really really fun. We had a glass of wine and a catch up. As for dresses, why not ask about going to a shopping centre all together to see what style of dress suits everyone? Then you can buy a little more confidently.

KC225 · 26/08/2018 13:08

Forgot to say OP when looking on eBay uk tap auction buttonwhich wipes out most of the Chinese ready made dresses and shows only the ones on re-sell. There are some lovely dresses in your size.

rougebuterfly · 26/08/2018 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheesecakeAddict · 26/08/2018 13:20

I think you a being a little unreasonable but I understand why. When I got married I did pay for the dress, alterations, hair and make up. But that was my decision and I paid for hair and make up as a treat and a thank you because they put in so much effort. When I was a bridesmaid, my dress was from matalan. It was ill fitting and not very nice imo. But the bride loved it and that was the main thing.

I say if he is paying, get a dress and if it looks awful just send him a pic asking what he thinks.

IamPickleRick · 26/08/2018 13:23

Most times we have all had our hair done by each other, but once the bride did want us to have hair up plaits. We all practised for ages and couldn’t get it right so that’s when I paid professionally myself but she negotiated a discount at the salon she lives next door to so we paid. Another time the bride wanted us all to have the exact same hair and so she paid for a hairdresser to come to her home and do us all at once. She offered to do make up but I look old when done professionally for weddings so did my own.

Within our group though, we all get hair up dos for weddings so that would be a payable expense for attending anyway iyswim